Title: Can Anybody See the Light?

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/IDWverse

Rating: T (kissing)

Notes: Sideswipe x Prowl. Sideswipe isn't sure he can keep going on without his brother, but Prowl won't let him drown in self-pity. This is set in the same world as New Road. Title taken from the Portishead song 'Strangers'. Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

Warning: Deals with cannon death of Sunstreaker from IDW comicverse. I also have made Sideswipe & Sunstreaker actual brothers, despite the conflicting takes from IDW on who they are to one another.

The POV is Sideswipe:

Everything seemed dark now. Even in the middle of this planet's brightest days, he still felt like he was wandering in the dark. Being trapped on a hidden base on Earth certainly didn't help matters, either. Earth was the last place he wanted to be. But he knew the darkness he felt had nothing to with literal light. He had lost his sunshine…his brother, Sunstreaker. Gone forever, and leaving a void in his spark that seemed to swallow his former light-filled self whole.

Sideswipe wandered down the corridor with slow steps towards the common room. He paused at the open door, peering inside to see only one mech sitting at a table− Ironhide, whose lure of high-grade propelled him into the room. The distinctive pink-tinted glow off Ironhide's container tipped him off as to its true contents. The Earth synthesized energon was a dark purple color, and it left a lot to be desired in the arena of taste. Sideswipe pushed all his dark thoughts away as best he could, forcing a smile to cross his lips as he strode across the room.

Spinning a chair around, Sideswipe straddled the seat and crossed his arms over the backrest. "I don't suppose you would be willing to share… would ya?"

Ironhide glanced up at him then dropped his focus back down to the container between his hands. He only vaguely grunted in reply before pushing a cylinder-shaped container near his left hand at Sideswipe.

Without a word, Sideswipe hopped up from his seat, grabbed an empty container, and then settled back on the same chair to pour a drink. He took a long sip of the high-grade, allowing its taste to roll over the sensors in his mouth. It was smooth and pungent-tasting. He swallowed the sip. The liquid fuel slid down into his conversion tank, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. Slow, creeping warmth radiated from within as it settled into the tank, causing his dermal plating to heat slightly. "Now that is some excellent high-grade," he said as he stared into his container at the glowing, pink liquid.

Ironhide faintly chuckled at him.

They sat in silence, both undoubtedly lost in their own thoughts. Sideswipe made sure to savor each sip as he slowly drank himself into a stupor. He had no concept of how long he had been there. The only indication of time having moved forward was his almost empty container. The sound of Ironhide's chair scraping metal feet on the metallic floor caught Sideswipe's inebriated attention. He glanced up to see Ironhide standing over him. Time, war, and regret marred the elder warrior's face as his mouth pinched down into a frown.

With a hard slap to his shoulder, Ironhide poured more high-grade into Sideswipe's container. "Your brother was a good mech. I don't hold him accountable for what he did. You shouldn't, either."

A sharp pain within his spark nearly forced him to whimper, but he bit back the urge. Glancing up, he watched Ironhide offer a sad-looking smile before he turned to leave the common room.

Dark silence once again reigned, and he found himself all alone again.

----+----

Strong arms wrapped around his frame from behind. Warmth coated his back as Sunstreaker pressed close. Hands slid around Sideswipe's waist, resting against the front of his torso.

"What are you doing, Sunny?" asked Sideswipe.

He felt the weight of his brother's head on his left shoulder. "Nothing."

"We aren't sparklings…" replied Sideswipe. He didn't bother hiding his exasperation at the overly affectionate way Sunstreaker treated him.

He wanted to prove he could stand on his own, figure out just who he really wanted to be. His entire life he had been defined as a being twin, one half of a whole. He yearned to be on his own. But Sunstreaker acted so possessively toward him. Breaking free seemed almost impossible. His only options were to flee or stand up and fight. He didn't want to do either…If only Sunstreaker would stop crushing him under his burdensome love...

----+----

"Sideswipe…"

The distant voice sounded familiar. Sharp and commanding in tone… He dimly lit his optics, squinting as he did to further reduce the amount of light that assaulted his visual cortex. A silhouetted figure stood over him. The distinctive shapes of door wings confirmed his suspicion.

"Prowl."

"Care to explain why you are recharging on the common room floor?" asked Prowl.

"Ah…no." Sideswipe then let his optics flick back off. He relaxed against the metal floor again. He really didn't remember lying down but figured it must have been after the second serving of high-grade.

"I believe the berth in your quarters would offer more comfort than the floor," replied Prowl. Sideswipe detected a hint of dry humor in the statement.

Relighting his optics dimly he gazed back up at Prowl with a cheeky grin. "Was that a joke, Prowl?"

"If you want it to be." Prowl's hand extended out in an offer of support to help Sideswipe to his feet.

Sighing air loudly from his intakes to purposely denote his annoyance, he brushed the offered hand aside. Instead he managed to drunkenly maneuver his frame upright on his own power. Standing on his feet turned out to be a lot harder than he anticipated, however. He nearly knocked both of them to the floor as he swayed sideways. Prowl grabbed hold of his waist from one side and pushed his smaller weight into Sideswipe, helping to steady him. Both seem to freeze in their precariously balanced positions. Sideswipe hadn't been in such close physical proximity to anyone in a long time, except in the heat of battle and that hardly counted as the same thing.

"Maybe I should just stay on the floor…" said Sideswipe softly.

"Nonsense." Prowl moved carefully into a better position at his side, offering his smaller form as a crutch of sorts. One black and white arm snaked around his waist, while the other reached around to his front, pressing white digits against the center of his chest. Sideswipe leaned his form against Prowl. "Now, let's get you back to your room."

They left the common room and slowly made their way to the barracks. The entire walk back Sideswipe couldn't stop thinking about just how odd Prowl was acting toward him. He expected to be reprimanded for his behavior. Instead he found the tactician behaving with enormous patience and kindness. More than that, the feeling of warmth against his plating sent a pleasant sensation tingling over his sensory net.

At the door to his quarters, Prowl typed in an override code to let them in without even asking Sideswipe to attempt remembering. Internally he sighed with relief, but externally he frowned disapprovingly at Prowl.

"Don't even act as if you remember your code in your current state," replied Prowl to the frown.

Prowl led Sideswipe to the berth, and he eased himself onto its surface with continued assistance. Relief at reaching his destination was quickly replaced with a sense of loss when Prowl extracted himself and moved away. Maybe he simply didn't want to be left alone in his dark room. He really couldn't be sure why, but he knew he didn't want Prowl to leave.

His dark hand reached out and grasped Prowl's white one. As it were a lifeline, he held on tightly. "Don't go…" he said in a quieted voice.

Prowl's light blue optics flared with surprise but quickly returned to their usual soft glow. "You are intoxicated, Sideswipe."

"So?" Sideswipe leaned back and tugged lightly on Prowl, but he remained an immovable object.

"You are not acting like yourself," replied Prowl calmly. He seemed completely unfazed by Sideswipe's reluctance to let go of his hand.

"Act like myself? And what is that, exactly? I don't even know who I am, and you expect me to act 'like myself'?" Sideswipe felt his spark quietly ache for his dead sibling.

Prowl's expression remained unreadable. He didn't move away, but he also didn't offer an answer. He stood mutely watching Sideswipe. Frustrated with the lack of response, Sideswipe let go of the white hand. Hurt and anger mixed with his current overcharged state, leading to a complete lack of control over his emotions. He buried his face in his black hands as he felt a wave of loss wash through him. He would never be whole again. Nothing in this world could replace the opening torn through his spark.

Fingertips lightly stroked the crest of his helm. Surprised by the touch, he lifted his face from his hands to look back at Prowl. The tactician's face remained expressionless, but the tender touch indicated Prowl's desire to offer comfort. Sideswipe decided to act boldly. He reached out, placing his dark hand on Prowl's waist and pulling him close. Without a word, he caught the smaller form in a tight embrace. He expected Prowl to struggle or protest, but he didn't. Instead delicate fingers brushed over his shoulders and helm, offering comfort.

"Don't go..." repeated Sideswipe in a whispered voice.

"As you wish," replied Prowl quietly.

Sideswipe let go of Prowl and scooted back onto his berth. Prowl then carefully climbed on beside him and then lay down on his front beside Sideswipe. Dermal plating tingled faintly from the warmth of Prowl's body against him.

"Thanks," whispered Sideswipe as he gazed at Prowl. He had always considered the tactician to be attractive but found him nothing less than beautiful up close.

"Recharge, Sideswipe. I will stay with you until you wake up," replied Prowl.

His spark still ached in his chest, but having Prowl near seemed to chase away the darkness. A sense of calm spread through him, and he easily slid back into a recharge.

----+----

"We can't keep doing this," said Sideswipe.

"Do what exactly?" asked Sunstreaker.

His brother's body wrapped him in warmth. He was spooned against his back with one arm draped over his waist . They were soldiers now. Their closeness not something anyone on base would ever understand. Moreover, Sideswipe still felt crushed under his brother's personality. Not only did he insist on being roommates, but he also routinely put Sideswipe in his place during training exercises. No one knew they were twins. They had made sure not to mention it when they joined. Twins weren't understood and often viewed as bad luck.

"Be like this..." Sideswipe eventually replied.

"This is the only time we can be this close. What is your problem, anyway? You've been acting like a jerk ever since we joined these wretched Autobots." Irritation and a distinct growl were woven into his brother's voice as he replied.

"I have not. And I am not the jerk," snapped Sideswipe.

He felt Sunstreaker move behind him. Sideswipe looked over his shoulder to see his brother sitting up and staring him down. Optics narrowed with what might have looked like anger to anyone else, but to Sideswipe it was clear he hurt his brother's feelings.

"Fine! You want me to leave you alone? I will." Sunstreaker got off Sideswipe's berth and loudly landed on his own on the opposite side of the room.

Sideswipe rolled to his back. He stared across the darkened room at his brother's golden back. Part of him wanted to go over and apologize. The other part knew this had to happen. They couldn't be so close, and Sideswipe needed space to grow. I'm sorry Sunny... I'll make it up to you... he thought.

---+---

A whine escaped his vocalizer as he came out his recharge. His spark painfully ached, and he whimpered a little as he rolled to his side. Pulling his legs to his chest, he finally lit his optics and felt the darkness of the room eating at him. He trembled and gave in, crying quietly.

He felt an arm wrap around his waist, and his optics flared as he jerked with surprise.

"It's just me," said Prowl calmly.

Sideswipe glanced over his shoulder to see that handsome expressionless face watching him. He had completely forgotten about Prowl being there. He quickly reached up to wipe any tears of coolant that might have escaped. Embarrassed didn't even begin to describe how he felt; mortified was more like it.

"Sorry... I forgot you were here... I actually kinda thought you'd leave..." said Sideswipe. He refused to look back at Prowl and let his head fall back against the berth.

"I told you I would stay," replied Prowl.

A tension filled silence fell between them for a kilk or two.

"Would you rather I leave now?" asked Prowl.

Sideswipe found it curious that Prowl still had his arm wrapped over his waist. It felt nice, though, and like earlier, having Prowl close seemed to push the darkness back. "No..."

He felt Prowl move to lie just like Sunstreaker had liked to do, spooned against his back. The smaller shape of Prowl's frame didn't completely envelop him in warmth, but it still felt reassuring.

"I know about Sunstreaker. I know... that he was more than a 'brother in arms'." Prowl's voice remained soft-sounding.

"You do, huh?" replied Sideswipe. He wasn't all that surprised Prowl knew. The tactician seemed to always have a way to know everything about everyone.

"Yes." Silence followed the one-word answer. Unlike moments before, Sideswipe didn't feel ill at ease. A calm seemed to spread over him. The pain in his chest never really stopped, but it did lighten into a dull ache instead of a sharp, stabbing sensation.

"Prowl?" he asked, breaking the quiet.

"Yes?"

"Thank you." Sideswipe let his optics dim as he relaxed completely.

"Anytime."

-x-X-x-

After a patrol shift, Sideswipe stood in the wash racks, allowing the dust and grime from the human roadways to slide off his paneling and down the drain in a steady stream of dirty, swirling water. It had not escaped his attention that Prowl seemed to be giving him light duty assignments. But after the incident a few nights ago, he didn't feel that he had a right to complain.

The nights since then had been really awful, too, souring his mood further. Memories haunted his recharges, and the darkness seeped in around the edges of his waking mind. He couldn't be sure what was worse: the memory of his sunshine or the darkness of the void left behind. The unthinkable started to creep into his processor... joining his brother was starting to look like the best option available for escaping the pain.

"Sideswipe."

As if on cue, Prowl called out to him from the doorway of the washracks.

"What is it?" he asked without even bothering to lift his head to look at him. Instead he stepped fully under the spray of water, which then coated and dribbled down his helm.

"I would like to speak with you," said Prowl. From the echo, Sideswipe could tell Prowl had moved to just behind him.

He flicked the lever to turn off the flow of water. Its residue dripped off his frame, making soft plipping sounds as it hit the floor around his feet. He turned slowly to face Prowl. Putting on a false half smile, he tipped his head at the tactician. "What can I do for you?"

Prowl's usually stoic expression morphed into a look of concern. "You have been avoiding me."

Fraggit. Sideswipe had hoped that Prowl wouldn't notice. Now what? "You're imagining it, Prowl."

"I am not stupid. You are in a great deal of pain, and I had hoped my actions the other night would have opened the door between us, but instead I seem to have pushed you away. I would like to make it clear that I am here for you. You can talk to me anytime." Prowl's optics dimmed slightly as he spoke.

Sideswipe felt utterly stunned by Prowl's forwardness. "Ah… okay."

A saddened look seemed to taint Prowl's optics. "Sideswipe..."

Feelings he was sure had been completely wrung out of him after his brother's untimely death came roaring to the surface. A flicker of undeniable attraction for Prowl took hold of not only his processor now but also his spark.

"I… didn't want to unload anymore of my own personal slag on you," Sideswipe replied in a quieted voice. "You have enough to deal with already."

Prowl's optics seemed to search Sidewipe's face for a long moment. "You are not the only one with issues," he finally replied.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that… I found great comfort in our interaction the other night," replied Prowl.

Now Sideswipe searched Prowl's unreadable face for a trace of insincerity or possible outright lie. He didn't get that impression, though. It occurred to him that Prowl might actually just want them to be there for one another. And even though Prowl acted like everything was fine, maybe that was just an act. Sideswipe felt ill-equipped to help anyone else, though. He was barely hanging on himself. "Oh," he finally replied.

"Unless you rather I leave you alone," said Prowl as he canted his head faintly to one side.

Those words echoed deep into that void in his spark. A radiating pain mixed with a new sensation. He tried to identify the feeling, and he could only classify it as a spark flutter. How could his spark be doing both at once? Crying out to the missing half while also calling out for Prowl? As he tried to reconcile the two conflicting emotions, a surge of desire poured out from his spark, drowning the pain. He acted without thinking, something he hadn't done since losing Sunstreaker. Stepping closer to the smaller form he bent down while cupping Prowl's beautiful face in his dark hands. He leaned so close their noses nearly touched. Just like the other night, Prowl didn't pull away. "I'm gonna kiss you... so if you don't want me to you better do something about it now."

The faintest of smiles perked up Prowl's lips as his light blue optics shimmered. Dipping down Sideswipe allowed his lips to meet with Prowl's. They molded together like matching pieces of a puzzle. Warmth from the point of contact seemed to spread outward, causing his energy field to lightly ripple. He gently mouthed those smooth lips and, to his surprise, Prowl returned the action. In slow, deliberate motions they pressed and massaged their lips together. After an extended moment, Sideswipe pulled back, breaking the kiss.

Their faces hovered close. The sound of water dripping echoed against the metallic walls of the room. Sideswipe slid his hands down over the shape of Prowl's jaw and along the curve of his neck.

"So… ah. Yeah," Sideswipe said in a quieted voice.

"I was wondering how long it would take you," replied Prowl to his incoherent sentence.

Sideswipe's optics brightened with a touch of surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Sideswipe, my interest in your well-being goes beyond the general concern of a supervising officer," replied Prowl, acting as if it were completely logical.

Straightening his posture, Sideswipe let his hands continue to wander as he pondered Prowl's words. One hand settled where Prowl's neck met with the collar column, and the other slid lower over the smooth curve of the hood. "And I would know that why...?"

A white hand lifted to lightly trace down one side of Sideswipe's face. "In your current condition of emotional turmoil, I didn't feel like pushing was the correct action to take."

Sideswipe gently tipped his head into the hand touching his face. "So nudging was okay, then?" he asked in a teasing tone.

A small smile spread across Prowl's beautiful lips. Primus, he was gorgeous when he smiled, and he felt his spark swell in his chest in response to the rare sight.

"My patience wore down, I suppose." The fleeting light look then faded back to concern as the smile disappeared. "I think we should progress slowly."

Sideswipe let a huff of air loudly escape his intakes. He knew full well that Prowl had probably devised a strategy. "And step one would be?"

"Dry off," replied Prowl, his small smile returning.

---+---

"Sides?" asked a young sparkling Sunstreaker softly.

"Hrm?" Sideswipe replied as he looked over at his brother sitting beside him on the floor of their shared room.

"You think we'll always be together?" Sunstreaker looked worried. Sideswipe knew why. Despite their young age, they both understood all too clearly the conversation they had just eavesdropped on. Their parents discussed sending them to separate institutions for schooling when they got older.

"Sure we will," replied Sideswipe with a huge smile.

"You're lying," snapped Sunstreaker.

Sideswipe frowned at his brother then punched him in the arm. "Shut up."

"You shut up! You're the one telling lies!" Sunstreaker lunged at him, and they tumbled across the floor punching at each other.

Sideswipe ended up pinned against the wall with his brother straddling his torso. He smiled up at Sunstreaker, who still looked mad. "I will always be your brother. We'll always have each other no matter what."

"No matter what...You promise?" asked Sunstreaker, halting his arm poised for another rough play punch.

"I promise!" replied Sideswipe.

Sunstreaker dropped his arm and bent down to press their foreheads together. "Okay…"

Sideswipe threw his arms around his brother's neck and hugged him as he placed a chaste kiss to his cheek. "I love you, Sunny. We'll always be brothers… forever."

---+---

Sideswipe's optics flared on. It took a moment for his vision to adjust. His spark ached like it had every time his processor replayed a memory file of his brother, but unlike in the past, he awoke with a small mech wrapped up in his arms. He focused on Prowl deep in recharge, lying across his chest in the dim light of the room. His face looked so serene while he rested. It had been like this for several Earth weeks now. Sideswipe had effectively moved into Prowl's quarters. The tactician insisted on leaving a corner light on at night, which helped more than he was willing to admit. But waking up to find Prowl there and know he wasn't alone helped more than anything else.

As Prowl had said at the outset, they moved forward slowly, only stealing kisses or gentle touches when alone together. Mostly they talked. Sideswipe had been reluctant to talk about Sunstreaker, afraid that mentioning him would only make things hurt worse. Prowl showed extraordinary patience, though. He had even shared first, admitting how guilty he felt for many of the decisions he made in his role as sub-commander. A lot of his guilt centered on Sunstreaker's abduction and his inability to locate him in time. Sideswipe also learned that Prowl had rarely been getting full recharge cycles… until they had started spending their nights together.

Sideswipe still had regularly interrupted cycles though, the difference being that he no longer spent the remainder of the night after waking up contemplating how to extinguish his own spark. He even managed to slide back into a recharge state most of the time.

Tonight's memory brought too much to the surface to simply accept and move on from. He gazed at Prowl and absently ran his fingers along the curve of his canopy as he thought about his brother.

Prowl's optics dimly lit. "A bad one?"

He paused before answering, feeling a little guilty for waking Prowl. "Good memory… I just feel bad about breaking a promise," he replied in a hushed voice. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Pushing up, Prowl maneuvered himself so their faces hovered close. Sideswipe offered a sad smile to him while staring at the face that he grown to love seeing more with each passing day. Prowl reached up to trace along his cheek slowly. "I am glad to hear it was a good memory," he said in a softened tone.

Sideswipe wrapped both arms tightly around Prowl and squeezed. Dipping down, Prowl left a series of kisses along his cheek and jaw in return. He felt his spark swelling in his chest in response to the affectionate way Prowl treated him.

Where darkness once ruled at the edges of his mind, trying to break him apart, he now found words that teased at him instead. Words he had only ever uttered to Sunstreaker echoed silently in his mind. Words that now bubbled to the surface in the wake of the replayed memory...

"Prowl, I love you."

He felt the smaller form grow still. White fingers flexed against his chest. Sideswipe wanted to hear those words repeated back to him, but he also had a feeling they might not flow as easily from Prowl.

Slowly, Prowl lifted his head and stared at Sideswipe. "Those are not words to be thrown around."

"I know that." Sideswipe mock frowned at Prowl.

"Then why did you just say that?" asked Prowl as he furrowed his brow slightly.

"Because I meant it." Sideswipe furrowed his brow back, mimicking the look on Prowl's face. "And... because it's how you make me feel. I haven't ever cared about anyone other than Sunny... ever. But I care about you... I love you."

Prowl's expression softened. "Sideswipe..." he said in a hushed voice before leaning down to capture Sideswipe's lips for a brief kiss. Pulling away, he lifted his head so they could look at one another. Light blue optics were sharply focused on him for a long, drawn out moment. Prowl's perfect lips parted... "I love you, too," he finally whispered back.

Sideswipe didn't anticipate how hearing those words would affect him. His spark fluttered excitedly in his chest, despite the constant ache from the void where Sunstreaker should be. The dueling sensations felt odd. Still, the good feelings attached to hearing Prowl say those words back outweighed the pain.

He pulled Prowl down into a tight embrace. The sides of their faces pressed together, and Prowl wrapped his arms around Sideswipe as best he could to return the hug. His light, Sunstreaker, was gone forever, nothing would change that, and Prowl wasn't a replacement by any means. Instead he had become Sideswipe's lifeline: a promise of being pulled out of the darkness and a reminder that he still had something precious to live for right here in his arms.

"Prowl?" he said in a soft voice.

"Hm?" replied Prowl.

"I promise to always love you."

"So long as I am able, I will be at your side loving you. That's my promise to you," replied Prowl.

He could never have what he really wanted, which was more time with his brother. But he decided to make one last mental promise to him. 'I'll live because you can't Sunny, and I will love and not let go in your honor. That's a promise I intend to keep.'

Author Note: Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for being my beta on this, and the wonderful encouraging words.