Warning: do not read ahead if you have not watched 8.1 as there are spoilers.

This is inspired by watching the new series and from having read Harry's Diary. First you will find Harry's POV, then Ruth's. They are meant to be diary entries.

Thanks to Kudos, Spooks and the fantastic actors for creating the fabulous characters and opportunity to imagine what might be going on in their heads

Harry: 4 November 2009

I have seen Ruth. She's angry with me, and I can't blame her. The only person I can blame is myself. It was my reckless behaviour that put us in that position.

I went to Sarkisiian to ask for his help with a nuclear bomb threat, and he did help, but then took me hostage and sold me on. It was to his own peril as he was double crossed and is now dead. I thought that for some reason Amish Mani was there to rescue me - I don't know why I thought that. Stupid me, of course he wasn't.

Mani wanted uranium. Uranium that he lost several years ago in a major operation. It was going to be misused and I was responsible for removing it from play. I didn't trust the other parties involved and with clearance from the top, I brought it back to England where it was hidden. The only other person who knew its whereabouts was Ruth. I needed a fall back position, and I knew I could trust her.

I don't know how, but Mani knew about Ruth. He knew that I had told Ruth, and he knew that she wasn't really dead. I tried to convince him otherwise, but it was no good.

Three years of wondering, and then I see Ruth like that. When she walked through the door I found it difficult to control what I'm sure must have been visible on my face. I wanted to smile at her so she would know how good it was to see her. To offer some kind of encouragement, and assure her that we would be alright. But I had to fight that impulse because it would have given Mani more ammunition. And because I wasn't actually confident that we would get out alive.

They left us alone for a little while, probably hoping it would press their advantage somehow. We said very little to each other. The few things I did say were questions. Stupid questions that I wish I hadn't asked, and which she didn't answer anyway.

Faced with emotional blackmail, Ruth gave in and told Mani where to find the uranium. She told him exactly what she knew, but somehow they were already aware of and had checked that location. The uranium wasn't there anyway. I had it moved two years ago. Something Ruth wouldn't have known because she was already gone. So now Ruth's husband is dead and her stepson is without a father.

Her husband. I can't believe that she is married. I didn't want them to kill him. Of course I didn't, but I couldn't tell them where the uranium was. Even when they threatened the boy, there was really no choice. If I told them, they would use it. A dirty bomb would kill thousands of people, thousands of children. Ruth begged me though, said she could only see her child in front of her, and told me I was heartless. I almost caved in when I saw the look in her eyes, but I couldn't. I work to protect the greater good of the country. She knows that. One life or thousands of lives?

I lost my temper several times. Kicking the laptop across the room was unplanned, but surprisingly helpful. It felt good too.

I did manage to stall the situation just long enough for the team to get there. It was a close call though. I guess I gave the game away a bit when I yelled at Mani not to hurt Ruth. He had pulled a knife and was heading for her. I don't think I could have done anything to stop him, although I was certainly going to try everything I could.

To top events off, when I returned to the grid, Malcolm told me he wants to retire. So one of my oldest friends has now left and the team will be much the poorer for his loss. He will be greatly missed, not just for his technical skills, but also for his good humour and ability to keep us all grounded. I'll miss him.

I don't know if Ruth will ever forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself, and I don't know how to even try and make it up to her.

Ruth: 4 November 2009

George is dead, and it is all my fault. Mine and Harry's. I don't know how or why, but they found me and came after us. George and Nico should never have been part of this. I'm feeling so confused and tired, and I don't know how to explain what happened.

I am sure Harry would say it's because I'm a born spook, but I don't know. I just felt I should always be ready for something like this. That's why there was always a bag ready. Hidden in the cupboard, but ready.

When I saw that car and the men in it, they were so out of place. I just knew that something from my past was back to haunt me. The only place I could think of to go for help was MI5, so we headed for England.

George was angry. So angry he could barely speak to me. I had to tell him that yes my name was really Ruth, but no I hadn't always been an office worker. I couldn't tell him much more. It doesn't matter that I am officially dead, I signed the Official Secrets Act, and I'm still bound to it. He came with me though. There was little else he could do when I convinced him of the danger.

Malcolm was the one who answered my phone call. Needless to say it wasn't a call he was expecting. It was so good to see him again. He came to the safe house and we talked. He didn't say anything about Harry, which was strange, and then when I asked and he paused like that, I knew something was wrong.

Walking back into Thames House and onto the grid was the strangest feeling. The team has changed which I should really have expected given the spy business. Jo is still there, different somehow, but mostly the same Jo. And Ros has stuck around, that was something I didn't think would happen. I shouldn't have been so shocked to hear about Adam and Zaf, but I was. I wish I could have said goodbye to them.

By the time I got back to the safe house it had been compromised, but we didn't know. When we thought we were being taken to a new house, somewhere with a garden for Nico to play in, they separated us, and I was brought to an old apartment block where I first saw Harry again.

Harry. This was all about Harry and the uranium he brought back from Baghdad. Damn uranium! Damn Harry!

The look on his face when I walked into the room was something I can't really describe. I think he had been told they had found me, because he didn't look as surprised as he might have. He looked broken though, and there was something else that flickered across his face, but I can't think about that. Not now. All I can think about is George and Nico.

George is dead because of me. Me and Harry and that bloody uranium. If I hadn't met him, he wouldn't be dead now. Harry asked me if I loved George, and I didn't answer him. All I could say was how guilty I felt. How guilty I feel. I feel guilty that I never told him who I really was and why I was in Cyprus. I never told him about Harry either.

Now all I can see and hear, over and over in my head, is the picture of George in that garden. George being shot and me screaming and crying. Then when they said they would do the same to Nico, Harry wouldn't tell them. Somehow I knew he wouldn't, but I had to try. I played on his emotions, those feelings that I know he used to have, and begged him. I called him a heartless bastard, even though I know he's not.

I think at that point I almost didn't care what happened to me, but it wasn't long after that that Lucas arrived. It was just as they were coming towards me with a knife, and Harry lost it.

Now I am with Nico. He's fallen asleep on the bed after crying for a long time. We cried together. I am about to ring and speak to his aunt back in Cyprus. They don't know what's happened yet. They probably don't even know that we're not there. I don't know what I'm going to say to her.

I know I'm going to see Harry again soon, and I don't know what I'm going to say to him either.

So how did I do?

I think there will be a chapter to match each episode. At least that's the plan at the moment, depending on what actually happens plot-wise :)