Author's Note: dabble a bit in the IDW comic continuity here but for the most part this story is taking place in the generic G1 established universe. That new character, Drift, just fit into my plot too perfectly as a canon Gary-Stu to contrast Spoiler's anti-Mary-Sue antics. Talk about a sitcom just waiting to go oh so very wrong. Along for the ride I finally have a suitable place to incorporate my favorite doctor and mad scientist mechs as well.

Disclaimer: Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I'm surprised she's lasted this many chapters, too.

Related Music: Dreamgirls – And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going

Designation: Spoiler

Chapter 4 – Help a Con Out

And I am telling you
I'm not going.
You're the best [mech] I'll ever know.
There's no way I can ever go,

No, no, no, no way,

Ravage never considered himself to be a spiritual Cybertronian, by any means. But at this very moment he sincerely prayed to Primus that his optics were malfunctioning.

The sole reason he took this reconnaissance mission was to avoid the alternative. Besides, he never minded scouting the Autobot's base before. Even when captured, the mechanical jaguar always managed to escape and more often than not, with some useful tidbit. This time he planned to come back with a particularly intriguing data file, and not just because the Decepticons desperately needed anything useful at this point in the war. Primarily he wanted to make up for his disobedience earlier.

Soundwave had enough on his mainframe to fritz over without Ravage adding insubordination to the datapad of things to deal with. But he just couldn't stand the very idea of chasing after the most useless hunk of metal this side of the galaxy. And that includes everything Scavenger has stockpiled in his scrap heap excuse for a berth, he mentally added in disgust. Spoiler never amounted to much prior to the war beginning. So it came as no surprise she was beyond useless here on Earth. Especially now that the Decepticons were at such a disadvantage during this late stage in the war.

"Ravage… Ravage?" The sing song voice brought him back from memory files to once again focus on the purple femme encaged before him. "Here boy," she coaxed intermittently with high pitched exhales of air.

He ignored her, choosing to survey the Autobot's brig from outside the security cameras range instead. The room was dim, with only the emergency lighting activated. It looked well maintained, aside from the giant gaping hole in the wall he was currently peering in through. Its edges were jagged and blackened by some sort of energy discharge. And by the look of the scorch marks on the femme, he figured the blast was initially meant for her. Apparently the Autobots like having her around almost as much as we do, he thought sardonically.

Currently Spoiler was slapping the plating on her upper thighs to get his attention. "Does the good kitty wanna help Auntie Spoiler out of her cell? Yes he does, yes he does."

The only response Ravage chose to dignify that with came out as a dangerous snarl. Sure he could easily pass through the opening in the wall to enter the cell adjacent to Spoiler's. From there, the already deactivated bars would be simple to unlatch. But currently he didn't have very much incentive to do so. She was contained and out of his way for now, allowing him more time to assess the situation. Especially since this new development raises quite a few questions. For instance, what's she even doing here? His first assumption was that the Autobots had probably captured her in the act of harming their beloved human pets. But if that's the case, why not just deactivate her outright? They certainly had no qualms with shooting to offline him when spotted in a similar situation.

The more he thought about it, the more inquiries continued to bombard his CPU. Though at least one thing's clear: this entire situation had a rational explanation. Sure the Autobots were sentimental fools, but there was always a core program behind any maudlin actions. However glitched and unpractical. So there had to be a logical reason to incarcerate a Decepticon at this stage of the war.

I should have just followed her when Soundwave instructed me to, he considered grudgingly. Sure I'd still be aggravated, but at least then I'd know the reason why.

An obnoxious clanging noise suddenly filled the room. Spoiler was running her hands back and forth along the cell bars. "Come on, help a con out! I know you know the escape-while-still-alive trick. Pit, I'll even process you an energon goody later if you do it for me now."

Ravage exhaled a snort at that. In the past, he had the misfortune of attending several of her intelligence briefings after a mission. They consisted of Spoiler either ranting about something completely inconsequential or attempting to flirt with one of Starscream's subordinates. So the very notion of getting the information he required directly from her was disregarded before it even formulated. No, if I want to learn about her recent blunder it would have to be through spying on the enemy. A task that he was literally made for, as the Decepticon's Saboteur.

Without so much as a backwards glance, the mechanical jaguar turned from the hole and emerged in an abandoned corridor where there were minimal security measures for him to avoid. Ravage usually liked to start along the outskirts of the base and work his way into a position where he could silently record from. But today he had a much more definitive objective. He needed to find where a commanding officer was stationed and stalk them till they said something of relevance to this situation. This tactic had a much higher percentage of failure, especially considering who the security director was. Red Alert had thrown their entire base into full lock-down over a pop-up add on Teletraan 1 before. With Spoiler on board, that hypersensitive bot now had a fairly legitimate reason to overact. The Saboteur would have to time his pacing accordingly and keep all surveillance programs on high alert.

Moving silently around corners here and through ventilation shafts there, Ravage eventually stumbled upon two Autobots and one Decepticon defector. The impeccably pristine white armor of their Chief Medical Officer, Ratchet, stuck out blindingly in the dull gray corridor. He stood with arms crossed over a broad chassis which was shaped like his alt mode's windshield. Long ago, Ravage had decided that the sparse splashes of red that adorned Ratchet's frame were a delightfully subtle contrast to his not so cheery disposition. This white mech even made the Decepticon's Surgical Engineer, Hook, seem like a rather compassionate medic. Though that usually depended on his patience which more often than not depended on who is patient was. Currently Ratchet's overall stance somehow exuded both annoyance and curiosity at the same time.

He was accompanied by the Mechanical Engineer, Wheeljack, whose frame resembled a slagged hunk of space debris compared to the CMO. Ravage was not surprised to see that the inventor was once again in a rather damaged state, and most likely due to his own masochistic ingenuity. His coloring was primarily dark gray and white with spatterings of green and red adorning his chassis and stabilizing servos. This resident scientist mech was now idling in place with a contemplative arch to his optic guards. Aside from that, it was difficult to gauge exactly what it was Wheeljack could be processing since the lower half of his face was comprised of a grated plate. Usually the color and brightness of the vocal indicators fashioned to each side of his helm were quite denotative. But they were currently unlit as he looked to be listening intently to the third member of their group, Drift.

Ravage felt the upper corner of his metallic snout lift in a silent snarl as he regarded the Decepticon defector. Drift had once been among his ranks and known as Deadlock under Commander Turmoil. Aside from that, Ravage never paid particular interest in keeping tabs on him. After all, Deadlock was just another grunt to be used as a shield on the battle field. Then one cycle he up and disappeared like Skywarp on a highgrade bender. He resurfaced recently on the side of the Autobots with a new designation, an outdated blade-like weapon, and an inflated mainframe that could rival Starscream's. Drift's armor was similar to Ratchet's in color, but less boxy in shape with a ridiculous looking helm that took the decorative design of a chevron too far.

The traitor was facing away from him, giving Ravage a clear view of the two Autobots. Drift was speaking at a low volume, and from what Ravage could discern in his current position, Ratchet was acting as some sort of interrogator. Wheeljack just seemed to be along for the ride.

"-have to take it up with Prowl. I've already told you everything I know about her being here. So continuing to ask the same questions isn't going to spontaneously give you a different answer," Drift had been saying to Ratchet while Wheeljack stood by.

Upon hearing that, Ravage made certain he was within audio range and then began recording to a specialized file. If this was going in the direction he hoped it would, his mission might be over without having to further engage that pit-spawned femme. Then the Saboteur could get back to trying to win a war rather than wasting any more time by trailing some incompetent drone that was feeble-mainframed enough to get caught.

Meanwhile Ratchet was glowering back at Drift, looking none too pleased by both the offered prospect and implied jab to his processing capabilities. He stood a little straighter before replying, "You were on the schedule for the brig during the time of her incarceration. Do you mean to tell me that throughout that entire shift, you have gained no information in regards to her presence here?"

Reluctantly, the traitor clarified with, "I wasn't there for the entire shift."

The red and white mech's optics flashed briefly at that. "Now do you mean to imply that you had abandoned your post?"

"No! No, it wasn't like that at all. Jazz came in and pulled rank on me to get guard duty, that's it."

Ratchet's expression didn't change but his voice managed to come out in a soft, controlled tone. "Before you were able to learn anything regarding her presence here?

"He showed up almost as soon as I was left alone with her."

The medic just stared back at him, blue optics fading to a dangerous white.

"What? He was very convincing." Drift paused thoughtfully and then added, "not that it took much, considering who the prisoner was."

Before Ratchet could resume his verbal assault, Wheeljack stepped towards Drift and lit up the corridor with the words, "Since you've been given a reprieve this shift, hows about you theorize with me for a click?

Drift's frame shifted in hesitation before nodding for the engineer to continue.

"Consid'rin your past... experiences with the Decepticons, why d'ya think she'd be here exactly?"

The traitor ran a dark gray hand along the back of his helm while venting a sigh. "Honestly, I don't want to know. And neither should you."

The inventor seemed rather dejected at the very idea that there was something he wouldn't want to understand. Ratchet still looked determined.

"I have been informed that a con was discovered in Prime's quarters earlier this cycle." The CMO explained. "He was brought to my Med-bay directly after the encounter for screening. I ran every diagnostic scan I could process on his systems and all the tests came back negative. I require something more definitive to search for if I am to discover what exactly she did to him or was trying to do." His red, decaled shoulders hunched slightly when he unenthusiastically added, "any insight you might have, however miniscule, would be…appreciated."

The traitor stood silently, faceplating still unreadable from behind. It frustrated Ravage that he couldn't analyze Drift's expression from his vantage point. Though the sight of a polite CMO and patient engineer did make up for that somewhat. The moment was surreal enough on its own. Then Drift spoke up.

"As great an argument as that was, it's still not going to make me recall a file I wasn't around to record." He then adjusted his stance casually while pointing out, "I'm guessing that speech didn't sway Prowl and that's why you came to me with it."

Wheeljack's hand was holding Ratchet back before the medic even had a chance to inflict damage that he would invariably have to undo. "You'll have to excuse Ratchet here. He gets a bit heated concidr'in the functionality of his patients."

"I'm sorry and meant no disrespect," the traitor quickly spoke up while stepping back defensively. "It's just… while I've never worked directly with Spoiler; I'm more than aware of that femme's multiple malfunctions. None of which are anything you should worry about.

Still holding back a slightly less volatile CMO, the inventor's face literally lit up with excitement as he asked, "So d'yah think that maybe she's been reformatted with some kina new technology?"

Drift rumbled a dark chuckle at that. "As tempting as that sounds it just wouldn't work. You don't know her like I do. In fact, I'd wager that you've never even faced her on a battlefield throughout the whole war."

Wheeljack tilted his oddly shaped head contemplatively before shaking it in confirmation that he hadn't. Ratchet's face settled into passive inquisitiveness.

"That's cause she usually manages to get lost on her way to the field."

The CMO brusquely shook off the engineer and stepped forward, "that is not even remotely feasible. Every Cybertronian protoform is installed with, at the very least, a basic navigational system."

"I know. And the only explanation I've thought up so far is that someone must've been slacking the day she rolled off the assembly line," he explained in a poor attempt at humor.

Wheeljack emitted a clanging chuckle while Ratchet let out a frustrated hiss at Drift's jest.

It was becoming more then apparent to Ravage that nothing of value was to be gleaned from the three Autobot's before him. Figures, the one Chief Officer I come across on this Primus forsaken ship hasn't even been briefed on the situation. Suppressing a frustrated snarl, he prepared to make his silent exit. But as he pulled away another thought occurred to him. If he were to leave now then he'd have to confront Spoiler directly to get answers. And he didn't relish that prospect one bit. Thus he decided to remain in his position for now; even if there was only a slim chance that these Autobots would say something of use. Anything these fraggers say has to be more pertinent than whatever slag Spoiler has to emit.

Apparently encouraged by the mixed reactions, the traitor continued to describe Spoiler for them. "Pit, how she even manages to find her way back to the Nemesis is a surprise. And the cons are more than a little embittered that that's the only place she seems capable of getting to by herself."

As Wheeljack's snickering subsided he once again took on an inquisitive look and asked, "how's about if she was sent to us with some kinda new weapon. One meant to take her and us out from inside our base before we finish 'em off?"

"Unlikely. She just can't be trusted with a delicate operation like that."

The engineer's optic guards climbed higher as he smoothly suggested, "what if she wasn't informed about it?"

"Look, if the cons plant a bomb on her she'd probably just end up bringing it right back to them, taking out the Nemesis for us."

As Wheeljack's vocal indicators faded out in what Ravage assumed to be disappointment, Ratchet stepped forward.

"Speculation aside for the moment; we need to consider the irrefutable facts. What I do know is that her reasons for being here clearly revolve around Optimus. I inspected his chassis myself and found no traces of a foreign substance or altered components within." The CMO paused before getting to his point, "now, from what you know of Spoiler, is it possible that she sought to offline him manually, steal the Matrix of Leadership or possibly both?"

"You're giving that femme too much credit to even process that much," Drift remarked while shifting his stance. "I mean, we're talking about a con that's actually managed to fail at dying on all the suicide missions we've already sent her on before. Incompetent doesn't even begin to describe her."

"And maybe you are not giving her enough credit," Ratchet rumbled back. "That femme not only made it into our base, but past security and into the private quarters of Optimus Prime. Opening his very chest plating before we were even made aware of her presence!" He took a ragged intake of air before adding, "Now, recalculate the possibilities with that knowledge factored in. Personally, I would rather have all the dents knocked out before we lose after coming this close due to an overlooked technicality. No matter what Prowl tries to assure me."

Drift's stance suggested he was taken aback. "Alright, alright," he conceded. "I guess anything's possible. But there's only one way to be certain. Ask her yourselves."

Flatly, Ratchet said, "Prowl placed the Brig off limits."

"Not to me," the traitor pointed out smugly.

"I knew it was a good idea to ask ya about this," Wheeljack declared triumphantly.

Ratchet was still frowning but it didn't reach his brightly shining eyes. "Let us just get down there before someone else realizes he is still coded for guard duty."

Ravage was already up and dodging back down the corridor before the medic finished his sentence. If those bots were on the right track with this, the Decepticons needed to act fast. Especially if Spoiler had done something possibly for or invariably detrimental to their cause. So he needed to get back to that brig, get that con and then get the frag out of there. The next course of action was obvious, Spoiler's mainframe needed to be scanned, the sooner the better. Soundwave's not going to like this one bit, he thought when he remembered how the Communications Officer had acted the last time he attempted to pry into her innermost processing's. But given the current situation and possible mitigating circumstances, it was a necessary sacrifice.

After rounding that last corner and ducking into a tight shaft, the mechanical jaguar found himself once again before the charred hole in the brigs wall. Spoiler was lying on the floor, still singed and presumably deep in stasis. This boded well for the first part of his plan. Slinking through and into the brig cautiously, Ravage maintained his covertness right up until he reached the security panel. At which point he worked quickly to reprogram the surveillance system to display a feedback loop of the last few clicks where Spoiler remained uncharacteristically still. He then put his mainframe to opening her cell. Time and the element of surprise may have been on his side, but it would take all his skill and the grace of Primus to get her out of this base in at least one online piece.

It wasn't until the already deactivated cell bars opened towards him that the purple femme decided to online her optics and notice his presence.

"You came back? You came back for me!" Her voice rang in near hysterics.

Ravage emitted a low growl at her inability to understand that silence was necessary as he made his way back towards the hole he had entered through. Instead of hearing her follow like an obedient little drone, she just continued to prattle at him excitedly.

"That'll make this so much easier. I mean wow, sure the bars were already shut down thanks to pissing off old lead-head, but from there I wasn't sure how to go about getting out from behind them. And then you came along!" Her tone became a bit dejected when she added, "and disappeared for a bit… but now you're back and I can finally finish my mission."

Unsurprised that once again he had no idea what the frag she was on about, Ravage flicked his tail to indicate that she ought to mute it and move along.

"Oh right," she chimed out, apparently just catching on.

Leaving with Spoiler flanking him took much longer then his entry, but surprisingly she wasn't hampering him nearly as much as he anticipated. It was almost as though she was well aware of when to hold her position or run like pit to avoid detection at the different intersections. The idea that this was easier then he thought crossed his mainframe too soon once he prepared to exit the base.

Ravage was just about to make a dash towards the tree line when he detected that Spoiler was no longer behind him. Perplexed, he turned to find her leaning against the passageway she should have been exiting.

"Go ahead; I'll catch up once I'm good and done here."

He jerked his head, indicating that they were already more than done and now had to leave.

Spoiler just kept bending her lip-plates into that slag ingesting grin of hers and claimed, "I already told you, I have to finish my mission. I made it this far already, you can't expect me to just give up now."

Actually, that's exactly what Ravage expected her to do. It's what she always did. So he had no idea why she was changing her pattern to inconvenience him now.

"Don't look at me like that," the purple femme scolded.

Pulling back his feline shaped audio receptors, the mechanical jaguar rumbled their need to leave now. All she had to do was abandon whatever fool errand she had come out here to frag up in the first place.

Still smiling, poorly armored arms folded across that modest chassis of hers. "My plans already been considered, coded, and is in the process of being executed. There's no way I'm about to let you re-write it now. I'm staying," she finished while stirking an unbalanced pose.

The Saboteur's snout vented an irate hiss at her insolence.

Optics flashing, the purple femme suddenly pushed off from the wall. "I'm as serious as a spark attack." Instead of moving to join him like she should have, Spoiler abruptly turned and began sprinting towards the nearest line of surveillance equipment on the Ark.

Unwilling to compromise himself further, Ravage was already heading off towards the cover of the forest. Attempting to use force to drag her sorry aft back would only give the Autobots all the time they needed to apprehend them both. A risk not worth taking, especially considering who I would be locked in their more carefully guarded brig with. He would simply have to report back now with what little he knew and even more questions to short a logic chip over. He also couldn't help but resent Spoiler for the report he would be giving to Soundwave. The Communications Officer was overworked and under-energized as it was. Even the most impressive processor suffered from strain at some points. Unfortunately now was no exception.

Seething silently in frustration, Ravage was convinced that if the Autobots didn't just throw her behind bars again, she would surely meet her end this time. A thought that, while not unappealing, certainly hampered ascertaining answers any time soon.

-8-8-8-8-

No, no, no, no way I'm livin' without you.
I'm not livin' without you.
I don't want to be free.
I'm stayin'

I'm stayin'

And you, and you

You're gonna love me

Angst Behind the Humor:

Dodging the camera's line of sight at the last nanoclick was a close call for the femme. But it worked out and by all appearances seemed to discourage Ravage from pursuing her further. He was the expert at this sort of thing, so a reckless action like possibly revealing herself to the enemy was just the stunt she needed. I just wish I didn't have to trick him like that, she thought with a pang of guilt. He had come all this way to free her and without his reports, she wouldn't have been able to navigate her way into the Autobot base in the first place.

Venting a sigh, Spoiler decided to focus on the bright side. The prime side, she clarified with a chiming giggle. I'm so close I can almost feel his grated abdominal plating. It's just a matter of getting to that point again… but this time going all the way with it.

Optics flashing with optimistic determination, the purple femme rounded the last turn only to stop short and nearly fall over at the sight she was greeted with.

"I figured the cons were desperate, but to actually send the dregs of their ranks is a new low. Even for Megatron." The glow of this Autobot's plasma rife booted up menacingly as it was raised to optic level.

"Oh, I uh-er… Hi Elita," Spoiler's vocalizer stuttered out. "By any chance, is Optimus available?"

Tear down the mountains,
Yell, scream and shout.
You can say what you want,
I'm not walkin' out.
Stop all the rivers,
Push, strike, and kill.
I'm not gonna leave you,
There's no way I will.