Disclaimer: I don't own 'Sea Patrol' or sexy, clueless little Spider
A/N: For my brother; the person who has less of an idea how to pick up girls than our favourite idiot Seaman…
Spider's Guide to Girls
HOW
TO GET GIRLS TO NOTICE YOU:
1.
Tease them about their cooking
PROS:
You may be able to convince them to
cook chips
CONS: Death
by egg-inflicted injuries
2.
Make out they're older/smarter than they really are
PROS:
Your stocks go up, apparently
CONS:
Only works for those under 18, easily pleased and happen to be so
desperate to get away from their psychotic father that they'll take
just about any guy that pays them any heed
3.
Get yourself trapped on a boat full of snakes with her
PROS:
You and her, the peace and quiet of a boat with nothing to disturb
you except a crate full of dangerous serpents
CONS:
The fact that you HATE snakes and end up crying like a little girl
while she saves the day
-
HOW TO KEEP THE GIRL WHEN YOU GET HER:
1.
The old 'dude in distress' move. There's nothing a girl likes
more than protecting her guy from the bad things in life
PROS:
Many quiet moments in the wardroom that give you a chance to try some
of your best lines on for size. Even if they're bad she'll still
laugh because you're at death's door!
CONS:
Your impending demise. And if you don't die: the abuse you'll get
from the lads when you get back to work
2.
Listen when she talks about her messed-up relationship with her
mother. Particularly good when you're kidnapped and trying to
lighten the mood
PROS:
She thinks you're a good listener. You can establish whether she's
worth the long haul – just remember all girls eventually become
their psychotic, neurotic mothers
CONS:
Jokes about her similarities to aforementioned psychotic, neurotic
mother will end with bruises on your shins
3.
Drop hints every so often about future plans (most effective when
kidnapped by escaped criminals on pleasure cruisers, holding foreign
babies and exploring radioactive islands)
PROS:
She will learn you are a mature man who sees there is life beyond
jumping ships and visiting foreign ports
CONS:
If the conversation is from left field she'll look at you like
you've grown an extra head, ask what her reproductive system has
got to do with you then glare you from the room
-
HOW TO LOSE A CLINGY GIRLFRIEND:
Arrest her father for terrorist acts against a small Pacific island