Just the Two of Us

Chapter 17: Reminiscence

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She flew as if she was part of the wind, as if she was freer than the birds, as if there are no such things as problems and worries that existed in her world. She careened her flying oar carelessly as if she were a child in play, as if nothing bad could ever happen and she had all the time in the world to expend. Perhaps she is bliss, personified. Right now she is the very opposite of what she is expected to be; Death and Misery.

At the very moment, at least, she is Botan. The bubbly, blue-haired spirit who was, for a long while, the messenger and assistant appointed to the spirit detective Yusuke; The girl who watched and cheered them on the sidelines, stood by them during the tough battles, and saw and celebrated with them in their little victories.

Kurama saw her even before he neared the vicinity of Genkai's property. She was a sight to behold, a speck of blue and pink in the sky, flying freely, swirling and tumbling and zooming and laughing.

He kept his gaze on her as he walked up the stone steps, as he went towards the woods instead of the temple, not even stopping to inform the owner of his presence. He watched her.

When he reached the last of the trees – near the edge of the cliff, he contemplated on walking towards the grassless, bare grounds, but stopped himself. In the plains he would be easy to spot, and surely if she saw him, she would immediately stop. He did not want her to do that.

She has yet to notice him. She continued flying aimlessly, swirling and zooming, and he wondered how long she's been at it and how long it would be before she quit, or tire herself out. No matter, he decided; he can wait.

He will wait. Patiently. So he propped himself by the trunk of the tree and sat and watched. And she was still up there, happy and unaware.

"I love the sky!"

He flinched at the sudden flash of memory... at her voice, from many, many years ago; an unwelcome yet enchanting sound of laughter, at the remembrance of the warmth of the sun and the sounds of the waves and sounds of children running about in the sand. It brought along, as usual, a sharp pain in the heart and he had to breathe deeply to shake the feeling away.

He doesn't know how, or when, or why, but he suddenly found himself drifting to sleep just a few minutes afterward...

( At the human world, the night Yusuke beat the soul thief Gouki, several years ago...)

...

In the sea of people, Kurama walked towards a definite direction, straight to meet the Spirit Detective known as Yusuke.

People blocked his view, but it didn't matter. He could sense the unguarded aura of the not-so-normal human teen.

Intending to speak to the detective, he didn't bother to mask his presence. He let Yusuke become aware that one of the three demons is approaching. A hundred meters away, he could feel the spirit detective's panic.

The obstructions cleared, and Kurama wasn't surprised to see Yusuke's beaten state.

What surprised him— more like stunned, shocked, and stopped him in his heartbeat— is seeing a familiar girl assisting the detective.

A trick?

No, this is real—

The soft, sky blue hair…

Those oriental, amethyst eyes...

That slender figure—

An ethereal presence in the human world.

Botan.

In human form and human clothes.

Beside the spirit detective.

Was she sent by Koenma?

No. Koenma couldn't have known his real identity.

To the prince and everyone in the spirit world, he is just one of the many demons posing a threat to the human world. He wasn't the only Kurama in Makai. The name could easily be coincidence.

A coincidence… a chance meeting... if not a cruel twist of fate.

Finally, Yusuke and Botan spotted him. Their guarded stance broke that one-second-that-felt-like-an-hour trance, and Kurama reinstated his focus.

In a hospital in the same city, Shiori Minamino, his human mother, is fighting for her life, and is about to lose it. This is no time to think about memories of the past.

This is the time to repay the good done to him by Shiori. This is the time to atone for his sins by offering his life in return for his mother's recovery.

Botan's presence must have been a sign.

"Don't be so tense," he told Yusuke, without looking at the two. Because he couldn't. "I won't fight, and I won't run. In fact…I have a favor to ask."

He saw Yusuke's guarded relief and surprise.

This will be easy if the detective cooperates, and he obviously will.

But it's hard not to notice the distrust in Botan's eyes.

Of course, she doesn't know. She distrusts him now for a different reason, unaware of a bigger, far worse reason that he will never reveal...

His eyes dimmed, but he steeled himself. This, at least, he deserves.

Back to present

...

When a dash of red and tan and yellow entered her kaleidoscopic vision of blue, earth brown and green, Botan immediately halted her reckless flying to see what it is.

Before that, she had to stay still and close her eyes and shake away the sudden onslaught of dizziness and exhaustion. Once she felt fine, she tried to find it—

And soon enough, her eyes found him.

"Kurama?" she murmured, in wonder. Why is he here? The team is not scheduled to arrive until tomorrow, the day of their send-off party and night of departure. Even those in training are spending this day elsewhere, most likely bidding goodbyes and making last minute preparations and... whatever.

She quietly flew towards him, noting that he was asleep under a tree.

How long have you been here? She made sure not to make any sound as she landed. She put away her oar and approached him. Grateful that she was wearing jeans, she sat nearby and stared at him. She figured that he's been watching her, rather, waiting for her to notice him and fell asleep. She debated in her mind whether she should wake him up or not.

Seeing that he doesn't look exhausted, probably just bored out of his mind waiting for her earlier, she decided to wake him up.

"Kurama?" she called, giving him a light nudge. He did not stir. She tried again... and again failed to wake him. Suddenly, she couldn't help but chuckle. The smart, alert, agile Kurama fell asleep unawares. If she had been an enemy, he'd be captured or hurt by now.

Then she found herself staring at him; and for the first time since she was assigned as Yusuke's assistant, she let herself take in the physical appearance of this human. Who is also a demon incarnate, a spirit detective, and apparently, her mate in the past.

Her eyes took in his waist-length, soft red hair, with its signature pointy ends. He has upturned, perfect nose, fine brows and thick eyelashes that made him somewhat effeminate, and yet very desirable to his female, human friends. His eyes had always been captivating, the emerald orbs that dances in the sunlight, orbs that are hiding just now that he sleeps.

A while back, Botan wondered why she never felt a physical attraction to him in the past years, despite that she admired his skills. She thought that it's simply because it has been a millenia since she fell for him, and it's just a case of falling out. But right now, staring at him, Botan realized that the real reason is simpler: Kurama in his human form is not her type.

He shifted, but remained asleep. She cleared her mind off silly thoughts and nudged him again, trying to wake him. His brows merely knitted...

Unconsciously, she raised her hand to smooth his brows, and before she realized what was happening, his hand caught hers, and emerald eyes stared inquiringly at her surprised amethyst ones.

The first thing that resurfaced in his now-conscious mind is his dream. This isn't the first, really, that he dreamt of their encounters. In so many years that passed, he lost count of the times he woke up from a distant memory (when they were mates) and recent ones (as tantei) that troubled his sleep.

It was unnerving, to say the least.

He could have tried to erase his own memory of her... But he never did.

This was his way to repent. He had long decided that for every day that she lived in emptiness, he will live aware of the weight of his actions. That he would suffer for both of them. He took this upon himself in silence–there was no one to blame but himself—yes, his sufferings after the tragedy were self-inflicted.

The next thing that he realized was that a hand was touching his face. He opened his eyes and saw pinks and blues—blue sky, blue hair, pink long-sleeved tops, and pink cheeks. It took a few seconds to compose himself and call her name.

"Botan?"

She blinked. "Y-you fell asleep."

Apparently, he did. "I was waiting for you."

She smiled brightly. "Guessed as much. You should have called me out, you know?"

Kurama marveled at the deity in front of him. She looked good—healthy, serene. She was composed, even cheerful. This was her usual aura from before. Frankly, after all the heavy burden he placed on her shoulders, he expected her to, at least, be unsettled and a lot less friendly with him. He decided to return her smile, "Ah, but you were busy."

"Sorry. It's just that," she took her oar and held it up, "I'm returning this soon. For good. So I'm sort of enjoying my last days with it." Seeing that he couldn't come up with anything to say about the matter, she stood up and he did the same. "Weren't you supposed to arrive tomorrow? You're early..."

"I wanted to speak with you before everyone else arrives," he elaborated, "You know how those guys can be. We'll find it difficult to speak privately with all of them around. Do you mind?"

"No. You're right, I guess."

"So, is now a good time? I don't mind waiting if—"

"Now's good," she cut in. "I think Yukina might come over earlier to help with preparing meals and cleaning. If she arrives tonight, then we'll be busy."

He nodded. Just then, uncomfortable silence reigned.

They decided to go for a walk. An aimless walk, that is. Kurama is anxious to start; he had a lot of things to explain. But Botan was suddenly quiet and nervous, so he waited for her to regain composure.

They were in the middle of the forest when she suddenly stopped and fired a question, as if afraid that if she waits some more, she will lose the guts to ask: "Did it ever cross your mind to tell me?"

He hesitated, but decided her straightforward question warranted an honest answer. "I never planned to," he answered, "But yes, it crossed my mind. It was a fleeting thought, and I knew right away I shouldn't."

"And why shouldn't you?" she whispered.

"Because there was no point in telling you," he continued, "Only to leave you again afterwards."

She fell silent, letting the words sink in. The first time, in Ningenkai. The Forlorn Hope. Yes. He was planning to die then... He was going to sacrifice himself in exchange for his mother's life.

'And what about after that?' Botan wanted to ask, looking away. 'When the Forlorn Hope didn't take your life? When you knew you didn't have to leave this life after all? Why didn't you tell me then?' But she only said, staring at the ground, "I see..."

He recognized the unvoiced questions, and decided to talk about it anyway. "Unacceptable as it may seem, I only thought I was doing the best I can for you."

She suddenly looked at him, eyebrows knotted, lips curled. "Why would that be the best for me?" Her eyes caught his; he didn't dare look away.

"I wanted to stop hurting you. Everything that happened between us—I saw how much pain they caused. I couldn't stand to see you hurt any more... I took the memories away so I can no longer inflict you pain." She didn't look away, and he could see that she is bravely fighting back tears. Kurama swallowed and felt as if someone has kicked his insides. He was right, no matter how long ago these things happened, it would still hurt her so. And no matter how they approach the topic now—and yes, he had thought of all the possibilities—she was bound to hurt.

The slow, bitter smile that formed when she heard his words did not suit her at all. Kurama could only wince knowing that this is something that he caused. "I know," she said, eyes darting away from him.

He had been distracted by that smile, that the words didn't register right away. "What?"

"I know," she repeated. Her voice no longer quivering, she had on a certain look in her eyes when she looked at him once more. She had the look of someone who knows the secrets of the world. Almost without blinking, she continued, "I know your reasons. I wasn't there the first time you regained your demon form—I was outside the arena, with the girls—but the other time, when you fought Shigure? I was watching. I understood from there how you think, especially with regards to the past."

"And... how do I think, Botan?"

"You think that everything that is happening should be in your control; that the past is something you should have controlled; and the future better be in your control."

How dare she analyze him, and stare at him as if taunting him to correct her? He felt somewhat offended, but so much more torn between guilt and amusement. Because she dared. Because her past self would have done the same. "So I... am a control freak, is that it?"

"Not just that," she frowned now at the detected amusement in his voice, "You also think that everything that happens to everyone around you is something you can control. And that is why you still carry all that guilt. Because you believe that you should have been able to stop all tragedy from happening to our family. You need to know..." She was whispering now, her voice becoming softer by the second, "That none of it was your fault. The attack... the deaths... there is a stronger force behind all of those, that no human or demon can control no matter how strong you believe you are. I've worked in the Spirit World, so I know... as painful as it is, we need to admit that we are powerless against what is fated. Do you understand what I'm saying, Kurama?" Slowly, she took a step towards him, "You need to let go of all that needless guilt..."

Involuntarily, he took a step away. The ferrygirl immediately stopped and ducked her head. "Botan..." He sighed, seeing that his backing away hurt her. He could crown himself The World's Worst Jerk right at that moment. "You're right...but you know, you shouldn't be so forgiving. I'd rather—"

Suddenly, she looked up. And he can say that he deserved this; that he expected this, but it struck him all the same when she said, "But I haven't forgiven you yet."

There is a big difference between expecting to be held responsible and actually receiving it. The latter hurt more. For all these years that Kurama called his actions unforgivable, hearing it from Botan still stung. Even when she immediately retracts what she said.

"I mean..." she stammered, "I understand why you did it, and soon, I know that I will be able to fully forgive you, but before anything, I... I have to hold you responsible for erasing my memories. Because you need to know that you were wrong."

This rendered him speechless. He waited for her to continue...

"You seem to have thought that the only way for me to move on was to erase my memories. But that was wrong. You should have given me a chance to move on in my own terms. For the past years, I ferried hundreds of souls every day. If the easiest way to for them to accept their misfortune was to erase their memory, then Reikai would have done that to every soul every time one dies. It would have made our jobs so easy..." There was mild accusation in her voice; Botan knew that what he did was the easy escape. So that he would have an easier chance to move on, he erased Botan's memory so she won't ever return and remind him of his pain.

It made it easier for him, yes. And he had to acknowledge that what he did wasn't at all selfless.

Botan saw the defeat in his eyes and she knew that she was getting her point through. But she didn't like the pain that crossed his eyes. So she tried her best to attack kindly. "Like I said, I know your reasons, and I understand...you thought you were helping me. You just wanted me to stop hurting. But what you didn't know is that losing my memories didn't heal my wounds. You sealed them fresh, and so, right now, it still hurts me like it happened yesterday."

The tears she was holding fell, then. She covered her face with her hands in an attempt to stop crying. It was too much for him, and he gave in to the urge to close their gap and gather her to his chest. Botan froze for a while but didn't move away. Kurama wondered if it was a good sign.

They were silent for a while, and once again, it was her who broke that. "Kurama," she murmured, "Starting today, don't worry about me anymore."

He frowned, not understanding her words at first. This woman, Kurama admitted to himself, is full of surprises. Instead of being angry, she took it upon herself to understand the reasons behind what he did, and the things that he still worries about.

"Because, you know," she continued, "I am strong."

"I know," he admitted, closing his eyes, not letting go, feeling the beat of her heart against his chest. "I know that now."

"I can't really blame you for wanting me to just forget and leave you for good, back then. I was headstrong. I defied everything, everyone, just to get to you..."

"You were. But it was your right... I should have..." Where should he start? There are so many things he should have done, so many things he shouldn't have. Yet he found himself voiceless, as he'd been since they met today. Guilt, Kurama knew, was not yet done paralyzing him.

Botan wasn't done yet with him. "Had you said goodbye directly... Had you let me have the time to process your decision... I would eventually have accepted it and moved on... Instead, you erased my memories. All of it. I think, you have forgotten an important part when you erased my memory."

"I... have?"

"Yes. You forgot that the things we shared," she whispered, "Wasn't all pain and suffering. I remember now that day you gave me that potion clearly. You talked as if you're the one whose memory was lost. Or your memory became selective... but I remember, Kurama, that our life before that wasn't all pain and suffering. You only chose to remember the painful memories."

He was rendered speechless. He felt her move, and realized that he was holding her tight against him. Still holding her shoulders, he moved to give her enough space to breathe and look at him.

Her eyes are misty, but she wasn't crying anymore. "I remember," she continued, her voice getting softer, "That we loved each other. We had fun. We watched the sunset at the Horizon; we played as if we were one of the young ones. You made the best Makai Suimono. We had that adventure, and you saved me when I was almost imprisoned. I got to meet Amu and Ryo, and your mother and father. I loved them, and I would like to think that they loved me, too. We had the greatest time, you told me your dreams and I dreamed with you. And we were starting to build our own family..." She took a deep breath, and in a much calmer voice, she added, "The tragedy took that family away. But you were the one who took everything else away from me. You took away the best part of it all..."

Of course, after a thousand years he had long found the truth about his faulty decisions. But hearing the words from her made him feel so much worse.

Silence one again reined. And then Kurama realized that she had been doing all the talk, when he specifically planned ahead so many things he had to tell her. He had prepared his speech, yes. But now that she had given those words, he couldn't find his own. He felt too caught up in his guilt and shame.

"Botan," he began, "I'm sorry for—"

"No, don't," her fingers reached his lips, stopping him instinctively. "You don't have to explain that you're sorry. I already know that. These past years I knew you as a tantei, I saw how you have regretted and tried to make up for most of the things you did in the past since you joined the team. So, I forgive you, okay? I... I don't want to spend the rest of my life with grudges and regret. Just give me time, and surely, I will move on. It's just like what I tell souls I ferry; the only way to live peacefully is to face the truth. To accept what has happened, make peace with it and carry on with your new life..."

He can't help but smile a bit. He caught her hand and stared at her fondly, "I guess ferrying taught you a lot."

"Yes, I guess it did." She smiled back. Then suddenly, she dropped her gaze to his chin. "Kurama, can I... request something?"

Seriously, after everything he's done to her... "Anything."

She bit her lip and took a deep breath, "Please don't erase the memory of us in your heart. Don't let us pretend that Village of Peace never existed, that there wasn't a Kurama and Botan in the past who had a wonderful life together and was starting their own little family... it's inevitable to remember how that dreamlike happiness ended, but in this lifetime, to know what direction you will take... you first need to acknowledge where you've been. We don't really have to do anything about it anymore, other than accept it, right?"

He nodded. "Right." He could tell that this was difficult for her to say. Yet she went ahead to say it. "Botan, you're right. You're strong... in fact, I think you're actually stronger than me," he admitted.

She looked surprised, but easily accepted that fact. "Not in battle, of course."

"Not in battle," he agreed and let her go.

They laughed, and just like that, both felt as if a heavy weight on their backs had somehow been lifted. When their laughter died down, Botan noticed the dark clouds that now filled the sky. Following her gaze, Kurama saw it too. "You should return to the temple before it starts raining..."

"Hm? Aren't you coming with me?"

He shook his head. "I just wanted to speak with you. But I think I'll just return tomorrow. I still have to make sure Hiei shows up, you see."

"Ah." She nodded. "Well, goodbye then."

"Goodbye... See you tomorrow."

When he didn't move to leave, Botan reached her hand out. "Tomorrow, begin anew, alright? When we meet again, we meet as friends. Friends who weathered the storm of the past; friends who will still stand together with their team no matter what."

He accepted her hand, thinking that he had been given so many things he didn't deserve. But as she said, there is no use to insist on trying to control what fate decided for him. Fate, for some reason, decided to return this wonderful deity to him. As a friend. "Tomorrow," he promised, and finally let go.

Droplets of rain started to fall, and he stepped back as Botan materialized her oar and flew away.

He stayed on the same spot until heavier drops fell, until he was soaking wet, until he shivered from the cold.

Odd, but when he finally decided to go, he didn't feel the coldness of his wet clothes. The only thing he felt was warmth – the warmth of her hands, of her breath against his chest, of her presence so close to him.

The warmth of being accepted back into her life again.

He thought that, maybe, the rain is capable of washing away his sins.

To be continued...

Thank you for (still) reading!