Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the poem in italics and the plot.

Chapter One: Falling Hard

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I'm falling deep.

I'm depressed and stressed. I want to rip out my hair and act like none of this ever happened.

And I think I might just fall asleep.

Duncan says I'll be fine and that things will go back to normal and that I won't have to worry. It's hard. Not to worry. Not to worry that things won't be the same like they are or how they used to be. Not to worry if I'll see tomorrow but the way I treat myself I might not. Obviously Duncan doesn't see what I see...I see my body weaken, grow limp, and tired. All he does is tell me "Feeling any better?" or "Hey, I missed you.". To be honest...I don't want to hear any of those lies right now.

I'm hurting myself.

I don't what to do anymore. My grades are dropping, my hair is thinning, I grow tired, and all I want to do is go home and lock myself in my room.

God...I need help.

My mom doesn't even notice the change within me! My own mother! The one who claims she loves me! All she does is cry at night and yell at me. I really don't know why I do this. It feels almost natural to me. It's a shame that Bridgette doesn't even notice my change, she's my best friend. She's too busy making out with Geoff to even notice anything but his tonsils.

Falling deep within me.

I try to stop myself, I sware I do... but something deep inside me...it's telling to continue to torture my body; my well being! I guess it all started when my mom and father got divorced. Mother cried every night and then some. Father found a new wife and started a new family. I guess he doesn't really care that he forgot all about me. His first born; the one that he and his first love created. How could he do such a thing to me...to my mom! They looked like the perfect couple and nothing could ever tear them down. I don't know why this is happening to me.

Save me please.

I want to tell someone but people are being so oblivious it infuriates me! It makes me not want to tell them, then avoid them. I guess that's why Duncan really wants to come see me. I see him everyday and he doesn't see this freight train about to hit me. I'm going to crash and burn and no one will be there pick up the pieces. Then with my remains all they can do is look down and give me flowers. Who want's flowers when you're dead? Nobody. So why even try?

My body aches in pain.

I clutch the little domain that remains.

It hurts so bad. I often cry myself to sleep but the only person that sees me looks down upon me and shakes his head. I guess that's why he won't help me overcome this demon inside me. I guess he doesn't love me enough to give me an intruder alert. I guess no one really loves me. My mom she yells at me for things that I have no control over. My father started a new life and didn't even bother to include me. Duncan is too busy flirting with other women to even notice me and when he does all he does is interrogate me. All I want is love and someone to be there for me and he can't even be that person. I'm in a full grown battle but this...this is a war that I'm loosing.

This war I fight with myself.

No matter what I'll always loose, and all I do is yelp.

It's useless trying to fight back when everytime I try I fall down and go 3 steps back. So why try? Why try to do something when you know you can't over come? It's like trying to reach to the Heavens just to get a glimpse of what happiness is like. Why try? I know one thing, I'm done trying.

When I dream this dream,to

I know all the beautiful things I see, aren't what they seem.

I'm sure being dead is a better feeling than what I have right now in the pit of my stomach. It screams and yells. I do not respond to it's demands it's yelling at me, for all I care me getting hurt is the best satifaction I could ever have at this moment.

Closing my eyes...trying to not to dream too deep.

And fall into a never ending sleep.

My name is Courtney Barnes and I'm a walking disaster.

Okaay! So, this came to mind when I was in 3rd period and I just had to type it up.

Uhmm the bolded part is a famous line in a book called A Catcher in the Rye. Which I do not own. It is also the name of an amazing somg by Bring Me the Horizon., which I do not own.

Uhmm here is an analysis on the poem

I'm falling deep: Im in something I can't get out

And I think I might just fall asleep: Falling asleep can be another meaning for dying or giving up.

I'm hurting myself

God...I need help: Basically it's her calling to God, telling him that she is hurting herself and she needs his help and guidance.

Falling deep within me: She keeps falling and it's getting harder to get out.

Save me please: Again, another cry/plead to God.

My body aches in pain,

I clutch the little domain that remains: This was sorta a hint. So the last part is basically saying that where ever she's hurting herself its hurting and becoming smaller hence the words little and domain.

This war I fight with myself,

No matter what I'll always loose, and all I do is yelp: She's loosing what ever thats attacking her and she's yelling for someone to help her.

When I dream this dream: A refrence to the 2nd stanza, dreaming is when you're dead they often refer you to be dreaming.

I know all the beautiful things I see, aren't what they seem: She's referring to when she's dreaming all pretty things can't block all the bad or ugly that she's caused.

Closing my eyes...trying not to dream too deep,

And fall asleep into a never ending sleep: She's still "asleep" and she doesn't want to stay in this position that she's in, she wants to wake up and be free again.

I hope I did a good job with that part, I never really had to analyze my poems before.

Also, can anyone guess what Courtney's problem is? I gave some hints.

Avior.