This is a fic that, at first, I never would have dreamed of writing. However, after a bit of inspiration I decided to try my hand at a humor fic. I know that my first story was as far as you can get from a parody, but I want to become a more flexible writer and not just write about the same genre over and over. I'm not promising that this will be a great, but hopefully it will be...I hope you like it! (Oh yeah, feedback would be greatly appreciated so I know if this story is good or not. Thanks!)
"Do you ever feel a strange sadness in the hour of twilight? They say it's when our world connects with theirs." Said the man sitting next to Link on the bank of Faron spring. Link, however, was hardly listening. He had more important things to do than to have to listen to an emo rant on about his emo problems. These important things included being annoyed about the fact that the camera had taken so long to get a close-up shot of him and why nobody appreciated the fact that his hair was clearly the more fabulous than theirs. Before Link could think of more things that were unfair and annoying about the Legend of Zelda: Twilight princess, the man said something that was even more unfair and annoying.
"Hey, can you deliver this sword to Hyrule castle for me Link? I would, but I'm too depressed and I think I might accidentally, like, commit suicide if I go." He said.
Link squeaked in horror. Castle town was full of emos and people with totally unfabulous hair. There wasn't even a market there that sold hairdryers in pink. These were just the first of his worries. What if they made fun of the fact that he looked like an elf, or that his voice sounded 'slightly more camp' than people might have expected from the protector of Hyrule? Link almost had a heart attack just thinking about it all. Then he remembered the last time he had given Zelda a gift when she had visited Ordon village. It was a magazine from the shop. Link had thought it had been about rubber ducks. He didn't realise that the 'u' in ducks had actually been an 'i' until he had given it to her. It had made her use a naughty word when she saw it. In fact, she had used quite a lot of naughty words, some which Link didn't even know existed until then.
The memory caused Link to shudder slightly. If only he had looked at the picture on the front of the magazine before giving it to the princess of Hyrule...He made a mental note never to go to the shop in Ordon village again, before standing up. He had done this because the emo man was also standing up and now waiting for Link's reply. If Link's voice hadn't been deemed so annoying that it was a safety hazard to people's mental health, then he might have screamed at the man to go and get pecked to death by a parrot with an afro. Unfortunately Link wasn't allowed to speak because if he did, then every character in the game would have died in the first few hours of game play. Instead, he turned and ran back to his house where he could go to sleep with his bottle of conditioner and forget everything that had happened. The emo man made no attempt to stop him, he simply headed off to go and find the parrot with the afro.
The next morning, Link awoke to find himself on a completely different floor to the one his bed was supposed to be on. Link was unsure of why this was until he heard an annoying voice shouting 'Hey' coming from the rather convenient window in front of him. Link didn't know why anyone in their right mind would actually want look out of the window to see the person's even more annoying face. However, he also didn't know who the hell would have a fourth floor in their house that was only used for the purpose of looking out of a window. This argument somehow persuaded Link to look out of the window. He really wished he hadn't.
Augh! He thought. It's burning my eyes!
"What's the matter buddy?" Asked the annoying man "Is the sun getting in your eyes or sumfin?"
Link would have slapped the annoying man if he could have reached him. It was obvious that it was the man's face that was the problem. Link decided that he definitely preferred the sun.
"Well anyways-" Continued the man. "-I was just coming to ask you to help me with the goats. They're bein' real skittish lately."
Link did not want to help with the goats. He did not want to look at the man's face any longer. He did not want the man to keep calling him 'buddy' when they were clearly not friends. Link was going to put an end to this. He turned and took a step towards the edge of the platform that he had been standing on. He forgot that it didn't have a safety railing and fell off. He fell two floors before landing and picking himself up whilst muttering bad things about his house being built by drugged-up architects. He limped over to the door and yanked it open, letting the fresh breeze awaken his senses. He took another step and fell the distance from his house to the ground. This time even worse words made their way out of his mouth whilst he picked himself up again. Unfortunately his voice had been too quiet to kill the annoying man, but Link had a better way of murdering him. He mounted Epona and turned her to face the annoying man. The annoying man was a bit worried about the manic grin on Link's face. It was roadkill time.
One brutal roadkill 'accident' later and Link found himself trotting gently into Ordon village. The camera panned out to show the whole of the village (which turned out to be ridiculously small) and unhelpful writing appeared at the bottom of the screen informing the player of the village's name. It wasted ten seconds of the player's life and meant less screen time for Link; who was now extremely pissed off. As if enough annoying stuff hadn't happened to him today. Then there was the music. The player's ears nearly committed suicide (If that was ever possible) and the player tried to kill him/herself by jumping off the nearest couch. The world's suicide rate exploded despite the fact that jumping of a couch is hardly an easy way to kill yourself. The only players left managed to destroy the speakers on their TVs before they were driven to the point of insanity. Link was still trotting forwards.
There were lots of people in Ordon village. They were all waiting for the right moment to jump out at Link and force him to do one of their tutorials. If only the poor player could have been ready then they might have been able to survive the torture. Luckily for them however, Link was ready to do some serious tutorial skipping. He went up to the mayor, dismounted Epona and stood in front of him. The mayor immediately began a conversation but Link wasn't listening: he was waiting for an unnaturally and ridiculously angry goat to come charging from Ordon Ranch with murderous intentions. Link was supposed to stop it (another little tutorial) but there was nothing preventing him from diving for cover and watching it massacre everyone instead.
Several brutal massacres later and Link decided to go and collect the items that were supposed to have been 'rewards' for finishing some of the tutorials. He found the fishing rod in a ridiculously small house and decided to store it in his 'invisible storage space' or down his pants if you prefer the truth. He couldn't think why anyone would enjoy playing a game that involved fishing, but decided to shove it down his pants anyway (just in case he needed to catch a fish that he could use as a key to unlock doors or slap bad guys with...). After a while of pondering on this fascinating topic Link headed to the shop forgetting that he had recently promised himself not to visit it again. The woman inside looked stoned. She was holding a half-empty jar of milk whilst staring at it miserably. Link began to wonder just what was in the milk.
"Here, you take it.." She stuttered as Link approached. Link decided to talk to her, she looked too stoned to notice what his voice sounded like.
"Hey, don't you want me to catch a fish for your kitten first so it comes back into the shop?" He inquired.
"FORGET ABOUT THE GOD DAMNED KITTEN AND TAKE THE MILK!" She screeched.
"Hell yeah!" Link muttered to himself, grabbing the jar she was holding out to him. Then, he quickly turned and left before she tried to set him another tutorial.
Outside, Link decided to try the milk. After all, it was probably only milk wasn't it? How bad could it be? There was hardly any left so he gulped the remainder down and waited for a few seconds. Nothing happened. Then the chickens started appearing. An army of them amassed in front of him. Link was scared.
"D-don't you think about c-coming near me you...you...horrible beasts!" He squeaked feebly. The chickens didn't move. Link realised that chickens weren't actually that aggressive. One had pecked his leg before (which had been pretty terrifying for poor old Link) but apart from that, chickens were generally quiet, gentle, stupid things. No wonder they let him grab their legs and fly with them (a ridiculous but awesome thing). He suddenly felt the need to pet one of them, just to show his appreciation. It nearly bit his hand off when he reached out. Now Link was scared. He ran towards his house but suddenly the chickens were all drinking cans of Red bull and started chasing him furiously. He was not fast enough to escape their hyper-wrath and they dived at him, teeth bared. Link didn't think chickens were supposed to have teeth, but was frightened nonetheless. He tried to jump out of the way but chickens were on all sides now, only the white glint of knife-like teeth could be seen. A giant beak was coming towards him, he was going to be eaten by a chicken, not the other way round. This was their revenge, the chicken's revenge.
"I'm sorry!!!" Were Link's final words as the knives closed in around him.
Three children were looking down at the cowering boy.
"Oh man..." Said one of them "I bet he drank that milk that my mom makes."
"Yeah, maybe we should have warned him that it wasn't milk."
"I don't think we should have." Said a disturbingly intelligent looking toddler. "I find the fact that he thinks he's being attacked by an army of chickens on energy drinks is rather amusing."
"Oh yeah...it is..." Chorused the other two thoughtfully. Suddenly Link retreated from his cowering pose, looked up, blinked a bit and then sighed with relief. The chickens were gone, only to be replaced with...the children. Now Link wished that the chickens would come back. If there was anything he hated more than Ordon village it was the children that lived there. One had the most annoying expression you could possibly imagine and annoying hairstyle to match, the toddler was a character rip-off of Stewie Griffin from family guy and the other was a monkey-stalker. But there was another child. One that was even more annoying than Link's voice. Colin. But Colin didn't exist any more because his mother had 'accidentally' knocked him into the river. The river was so shallow it was impossible to drown in, but Colin was so useless that he drowned in it anyway. Now everyone was happier because there was no chance of him breeding. Link and the three children sighed with relief in unison as if they were all thinking about Colin's death. Three of them were, the other was thinking about world domination.
"Anyway." The monkey stalker piped up. "We want you to teach us how to use these!" He said, shoving a catapult and a wooden stick in Link's face. Link thought that a machine gun might have been more useful than a catapult, and that a real sword would have been more useful than a wooden stick but he decided to take them anyway.
"Hey! You can't go past without showing us how to use them!" Said annoying girl.
"Yes I can!" Link yelled, killing all three children at once with his voice. He stepped over their bodies and ran towards Ordon spring. The gates were locked and Ilia was inside with Epona. Link was a bit worried about what Ilia might have been doing to Epona in there. He searched wildly for a ridiculously convenient passage that lead into Ordon spring and found one in one of the rocks. Once he had finally scrambled through it he stood up. His eyes were met with the most horrific scene he could possible have imagined. That...that s-should be censored..even his thoughts were shaking at the sight of what Ilia was doing to his horse. Thank god some bad guys came round the corner before Ilia could do any more. One of their arrows impaled Ilia through the back. Most sane people would agree that this would have killed her. Link was, luckily, one of those sane people.
"HELL YEAH!" He shouted happily before one of the bad guys came up behind him and.............knocked him out with a big club. Then the bad guys galloped off with the impaled Ilia and Link was left, lying alone in the water, getting his hair very wet. When Link awoke he found that his hair was totally ruined by the water and sobbed for a while. Then he decided to go and see if there was a big, evil black wall covering the entrance to Faron woods. He ran across the bridge, hoping that his hair wouldn't go too frizzy when it dried. Finally he reached the entrance to Faron woods. There was a big, evil black wall in front of him.
And that is the end of chapter 1!!! Chapter 2 should come in about a week but I don't know for sure. It might be later or earlier than that. I hope you liked this chapter and please tell me if it was OK or not!