Hey hey! What is up you guys? So I took a break from Don't Touch Me (not really, I posted the new chapter last night!), and did this little co-write/RP/collab -whatever you want to call it- with TheOneWhoLivesInYourCloset. It actually came about when we were talking about Kyle doing girly things, and we thought it would be hilarious if we wrote a crack story where Kyle does girly things and Cartman catches him. I was Cartman, she was Kyle. So without any further delay, we bring you Rumors.

Hope you like! We know that this is a secret fantasy for many Kyman fans. ;D

Warnings: Kyman and a lot of pervertedness on Kyle's part.

Today was just another normal day in South Park.

Well, as normal as it could get. Don't ask.

Anyway, one of the town's residents, Eric Cartman, was making his way over to a friend's house. Or rather, someone he picked on. A lot.

"If those retards are telling the truth..." he muttered, holding a video camera close to him, "Then I'm about to get the ultimate footage to totally ruin his life. Heh heh, stupid Jew."

The stupid Jew he was referring to... was of course Kyle Broflovski.

Now Kyle was a very smart boy. He just didn't know...

That some people were on to him.

What are we talking about?

Well maybe if you could just shut up for a few minutes, you would know.

At any case...it was a rather chilly afternoon, despite the fact it was the middle of May. Kyle had the windows tightly closed to his room, but the curtains were partially open.

"Heh heh, perfect." Cartman chuckled under his breath, looking up at Kyle's window.

Climbing the tree that had conveniently grown by Kyle's window in the years since elementary school, Cartman perched on the branch nearest the window and began to set up his camera for filming.

This was gonna be good if the rumors were true.

In the slight crack that the curtains revealed, Cartman was able to see a little bit of a hand--Most definitely Kyle's--holding what appeared to be a comb. On the bed, it showed that Kyle's hat, which was normally on his head, was seated on the pillow, his jacket and pants folded up neatly near it.

One would simply assume, if they just glanced, that Kyle had finished taking a shower or was getting dressed.

That, however, was far from the truth. After moments of patiently waiting on the tree branch, camera placed right in front the small opening in the curtain, Cartman found that the rumor was indeed correct.

He nearly dropped his camera, threw up, and fell of the branch all at the same time when he saw what Kyle was really doing.....

Surely this was a joke.

There was no way this was real.

No way.

But it was real.

There he was, levelheaded Jewish Kyle Broflovski, the one who always seemed to be the voice of reason, the one with the best grades in their class....

...dressed like a Catholic school girl.

His usually fluffy sheep-like Jew fro had been brushed and straightened in an extreme way, leaving it silky with only gentle curls hanging on the ends. To top that, along with the pure white blouse and plaid black and white skirt, Kyle wore lacy white colored stockings, and shiny black Mary Jane shoes.

What was even more disturbing was that Kyle didn't seem to even mind...in fact, he looked rather happy as he looked himself over in his closet mirror, glancing at the MAKE UP on his face to make sure it was smoothed on correctly.

....Then...it happened....

"Oh teacher, won't you help me get a good grade for the test~?" a high pitched feminine tone came from Kyle's lips, making him easily sound like a real teenaged girl.

Even though Cartman couldn't exactly hear all that Kyle said, he caught the gist of it.

Kyle... was acting like a fucking girl. A girl.

And, unfortunately for Cartman, that was enough to make him lose his balance and thump onto Kyle's window in a daze, in danger from dying (well, not really) due to the great amount of blood flowing out of his nose.

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed.

Maybe coming here to spy on Kyle wasn't such a good idea.....

And it just got even more bad....

It was even more unfortunate for the nose bleeding Cartman that everything was going to get so much worse....

"CARTMAN!?!?" Feminine tone gone, a flustered and enraged cross dressing Jew stared at the window in bewilderment, shock...and did we mention rage?

Oh, there was so much rage....

"Ha... haba ha..." Cartman was too out of it to say anything coherent. He continued to lean against the window like a broken doll, completely unaware of his surroundings.

Kyle... Kyle fucking Broflovski... dressing like a girl.

It was too much for him.

"ANSWER ME YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!!" Kyle screamed as he threw open the window, making the possibly brain-broken Eric Cartman slide in slowly and plop on the floor.

"Shit, you're getting blood all over my carpet!!!" Kyle ran into the bathroom, and after a couple minutes came back with a paper towel roll, managing to lift Cartman and drop him on the thick towels, the blood soaking in.

After a few minutes of coming back to his senses, Cartman looked around quickly, his eyes falling on the Jew. He immediately backed himself up against the wall, a terrified look on his face.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!!!" he cried, pointing a shaky finger at Kyle. He kept pushing his back against the wall, trying to get as far away from the boy/girl/freak as possible.

"THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING SPYING ON ME!!!??" Kyle snarled, stomping over to the mirror and roughly rubbing the make up off him. Not only was he insulted for being called a freak...but there was Cartman, spying on him...WITH A CAMERA.

After getting every bit of make up off him, he turned back to the rather creeped out Cartman with a snarl.

"And who are YOU calling a freak!? You were the one who began nose bleeding at me!!!!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger back.

Cartman tapped a finger on his chin, looking up at the ceiling.

"Hmm, I don't think that's the point here, Kahl. The REAL point is: WHY IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DRESSING LIKE A GIRL?!"

Really, this was just... when did he start doing this?!

"I-I...." Kyle turned a deep red and looked away, his soft curly hair brushing against his cheek gently.

"...I-It's interesting alright!? After that...Marjorine incident...." Kyle softly mused, thinking about the timid Butters being forced to wear a dress to infiltrate a girl's slumber party, "....It just....got me curious....and if I'm not mistaken, YOU'RE the one who would dress like Britney Spears and make
out with a Justine Timberlake cutout!" he formed a smirk on his face, crossing his arms.

Cartman flushed a deep red at the mention of this. Walking over to Kyle, he grabbed the collar of his shirt roughly, pulling him up off his feet.

"You will NEVER speak of that again, you hear me?" he snarled, glaring deep into Kyle's lovely green eyes.

...

Wait.

Did he just think Kyle had lovely eyes?!

What in the HELL was wrong with him?!

Kyle let out a soft and almost cute 'eep' when he was grabbed by his collar, his feet dangling inches off the ground.

....Hold on.... Did his face just grow warm by how close he and his enemy were? Their noses were barely touching, and oh my God, those beautiful soulless eyes...

....That didn't just happen.

He did not just go poetic on Eric Fucking Cartman's eyes...

IT WAS A LIE.

"Awww what's wrong...?" Kyle managed to tease, a grin growing on his face...

"Are you going to 'hit me one more time'?"

Cartman's face grew even darker as Kyle said this, but he quickly brightened up. A smirk of his own crossed his face.

He could play the game, too. And he could play it well.

Raising a hand up, he smacked Kyle.

Straight. Across. The face.

"Actually, yes. I just did." he grinned, dropping Kyle on the ground.

With a yelp, Kyle plopped to the floor, the fucking Nazi's hand print practically tattooed on his cheek.

.....Oh that was it.

He did NOT just go there and bitch smack him.

With a cry of revenge, Kyle punched Cartman right in the face, suddenly becoming a master of karate and leaping up off the ground, his leg giving his enemy a sharp kick in the stomach.

Too bad Kyle forgot about his skirt....

Too bad he didn't realize it could fly up....because it did...showing a rather adorable pair of lacy panties.

Just as Cartman was going to give a nice punch back (Kyle still was a guy, after all), he noticed Kyle's skirt go up.

"GAH, I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT!!!" he yelped, covering his eyes.

Kyle blinked slightly, then yelped and pulled his skirt back down. Then he noticed something....

Cartman grew weaker...freaked out if he did feminine like things...

...Oh this was good...he would get his revenge.

Even if this meant scrubbing himself raw afterward.

"What's wrong....?" Kyle asked in a soft girlish tone, leaning up and pressing a small hand on Cartman's chest, "I wore those panties just for you, Eric......"

Yes, Kyle totally went there....

He called his enemy by his first name....

Cartman gulped, turning a deep, deep red.

Kyle did not just... no. NO.

Holy shit, what in the fuck was he smoking?!

In a panic, Cartman shoved Kyle away from him, running to the other side of the room.

"STAY. AWAY." he said in a shaky voice, holding his hand out in front of him.

He couldn't believe this was happening to him. This was just so fucking WRONG. He twitched even more when Kyle made himself give a soft pout, making a bit of a whining sound. Mentally though, the Jew boy was laughing hysterically at how Cartman was looking right now.

This was TOO good....

"Nnnnn, but Errrriiiiicccccc....." he whimpered, slowly walking over to him and kicking off his Mary Jane shoes.

"Don't you like what you seeeee~?"

"No, no I don't!" Cartman barked. He tried to keep backing up, but found that he was again against the wall with nowhere else to go.

Goddammit.

This was just fucking insane.

He waved both hands in front of him, shaking his head violently.

"Stay away from me, Kahl!"

"I don't want to," Kyle was suddenly up in his face, a cute innocent smile on his features and both of his hands on either side of Cartman.

"You waaaaant meee..." he purred softly in his ear, "You like how I loooooook...~"

"Kyle, if you don't get your dirty little Jew hands off of me, I swear to God..." he growled, baring his teeth at the boy who was 'seducing' him.

Then, it hit him.

That was it.

This was all a joke. Kyle was trying to get at him. Get revenge on him for spying and videotaping him.

Well, if that was the game he wanted to play...

...Cartman could play it too. And he would fucking win.

Grabbing Kyle by his collar again, he pulled him up off his feet and did something that went way beyond what Kyle was trying to do.

He kissed him full on the lips.

.....

....Well.

Kyle was not expecting this. Who WOULD expect this?

As he felt Cartman's lips press rather violently against his, the cross dressing Jew just stared with wide eyes, a blush on his cheeks. ...Then it hit him.

Cartman knew what was happening...but he won't win.

Yanking him closer and wrapping his arms around his neck, Kyle Broflovski kissed Eric Theodore Cartman back. The older boy jumped slightly when he felt Kyle press back against him during the kiss. He knew that he knew what was happening. And he was kissing him back... fighting back.

But Cartman wouldn't lose. Though Kyle had won some of the battles so far, he wouldn't win the war.

Oh no.

Cartman held his lips firmly against Kyle's, not about to give up.

The wheels turned in his mind, plotting his next move. What else could he do, how far could he push it...?

Oh. That's perfect.

In a bold and daring move, Cartman moved his tongue to pry Kyle's mouth open, slyly slipping it inside.

That'll get him.

Kyle meanwhile...began to spazz, and not in the good way. Want to know why?

CARTMAN'S TONGUE WAS IN HIS MOUTH.

Don't panic...Don't panic....

He had to win this fight. HE HAD TO.

In his own bold way, Kyle made himself moan and very teasingly flick his tongue at the intruder in his mouth.

A smirk formed on his face as he felt his enemy tense up at what he just did.

' If I wasn't trying to beat this stupid Jew at his own game, I would be throwing up right now. Literally.....' Cartman thought in absolute disgust.

Now he had to take this even farther.

Goddammit.....

What could he do, what could he do....

Reaching a hand up, he slowly sneaked it up Kyle's shirt, resting it on his back.

He pretty much drew the line there...and would have no clue what to do if Kyle couldn't take that. No clue.

Much to his glee though, it almost made the Jew throw off Cartman and go to scrub his back with acid and soap.

But he couldn't back down--

....He knew what to do.

Something that would make Cartman dump himself in bleach and make Kyle take a cold shower.

But he had to do it.

Slowly and steadily, his frail hand went running down his chest, down to his belt..down to the center of his pants...and slowly unzipped the zipper.

"THAT IS IT!" Cartman roared, pushing the Jew off of him, pulling his zipper back up.

"I DRAW THE LINE THERE!"

"HA!!! I WIN THEN." Kyle grinned like the Chesire Cat, almost reading to burst out laughing as he began to wipe his mouth from the 4 minute make out session.

"I really don't give a fuck." Cartman growled, closing his eyes and walking for the door. "That was WAY too far."

He thought he was headed for the door out of the Jew's room. However, he was completely wrong. He actually ended up walking into the boy's closet, tripping as soon as he entered.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" he yelped.

What he thought was going to be a normal closet, filled with typical boy clothes...

... was in fact filled with dresses and other girl apparel.

Lots of it.

Poking his head out, he jammed a thumb behind him, pointing at the clothes behind him. "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS?!"

".....My clothes...?" Kyle asked nervously, a sweet smile on his features. Cartman had run right into his cosplaying closet, where every single costume he bought online was.

There was a cat girl maid section, different versions of the school girl section...

Even a gothic lolita section.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?" Cartman sobbed, looking up above him.

Was that a section for shoes?!

Holy crap... was this a joke?

Was he really in some chick's house with a Kyle look-a-like?

Goddamn, this was just fucking nuts.

Was Kyle a girl all along?!

...of course he was. He wouldn't own this many shoes if he wasn't.

Holy shit. He didn't know what to think. He honestly didn't.....

Meanwhile, Kyle knew that Cartman was probably trying to guess if he was a boy or girl.

....Which leads to the greatest part in Kyle's scheme to make Cartman freak out.

"Hm....if you really wanna find out Cartman....that if I'm a boy or a girl..." Kyle smirked, and lifted his skirt up.

"Why don't we find out....?" and the panties started coming down.

......

Oh god...

He wasn't about to...

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Cartman gulped, turning a pale, pale white. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to NOT witness what Kyle was doing.

He was going to be real sick.

Kyle smirked and kept slowly pulling them down as he walked over to Cartman in that seductive 'It's raping time' sort of way.

"Now, Eric..." Kyle said very sweetly before smirking.

"Leave."

Cartman would have left...

...if he could.

But he had been so traumatized in the past 20 minutes that he was left completely paralyzed.

He literally couldn't move a muscle.

Kyle glared at this, wouldn't he ever leave? The Jewish boy then blinked...then smirked.

He knew what to do...

"Well then...if you won't leave...." and with that, a pantie-less Kyle sat on Cartman's lap and began playing with the collar of his coat.

"We'll just have to have some fun......~"

Cartman gulped and opened his eyes, his pupils wide.

"What?"

His voice couldn't have possibly been any higher as he said this.

"You heard me...." Kyle whispered lowly and smirked seductively, his hands once again going down to his pants.

"Let's take these pants off you...okay~?" At the word 'Okay', Kyle made his voice high-pitched and girly, a grin on his features.

No way.

No fucking way.

Just... NO.

Cartman quickly slapped Kyle's hands away, giving him the strangest look ever.

"ARE YOU FUCKING ENJOYING THIS?!!"

Yeah, that had to be it. There was no way Kyle would go this far if he wasn't really, REALLY enjoying it. Not in the torture way, but in... another way.

Why couldn't he move, dammit?!

"Mmmm....maybe...." Kyle smirked and his hand went straight back down and unzipped him fast and hard.

"Maybe I just am~" he purred.

..........

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

This kid was nuts!

If he didn't move soon, he was going to get molested! By a fucking Jew no less!

Finally, he managed to get his body moving again, so he jumped up in an attempt to escape the psycho.

...

Unfortunately for him, he only managed to knock Kyle over again, his lips landing right over the boy's in a harsh kiss.

Goddammit.

Meanwhile, Kyle knew the poor dumbass tripped and fell on him....but he would definitely use it to his advantage.

He let out a loud moan at the rough kiss and yanked him closer, shoving his tongue deep into his mouth. After a minute or so, he broke away with a smirk, his grip on Cartman tight, "Oooh Cartman, I didn't know you wanted me so baaaad...."

Cartman was completely stunned, staring at Kyle with wide eyes.

He was more than done with the Jew's little game. He wanted the fuck out.

Bad.

He squirmed and wiggled in Kyle's grip, but it was in vain.

He was stuck. And Kyle would probably think that his squirming was just another sign to validate his point that he actually wanted the Jew.

Shit. He only came here to see if the rumors were true and maybe videotape Kyle a little in his cross dressing game. Why did it have to turn out with him now on top of a frisky Kyle, squirming to get away from him in fear of being molested?

He whimpered and feared for his sanity. Kyle smirked wickedly at this, and whispered loudly in his ear.

"If I let you go...will you leave and not tell anyone about this? Ever....?"

"M-maybe." he stuttered in reply, his brain only half working.

"Maybe....?" Kyle smirked....

And there was a squeeze.

I'll let your mind wonder what the squeeze was.....

What happened next was a once in a lifetime thing.

Eric Cartman... Eric Theodore Cartman...

...squeaked.

That's right, squeaked. Just like a tiny, timid, terrified mouse.

"OKAY, NO! I WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS EVER AGAIN! JUST LET ME GO, PLEASE!" he
sobbed again, holding his hands up in a pleading gesture.

This was the ultimate form of torture.

Kyle smirked cruelly and released his grip on Cartman. He then gave him a sexy wink.

"Alright then, you can leave...see you at schoooool...~" he cooed.

Cartman sat back, shaking like a leaf.

"Oh no you won't. I am SO getting a restraining order against you."

"We're not married you retard, it only works with that.......hmmm...." Kyle
grinned and began kneeling down on one knee, taking Cartman's hand in his.

"Oh dearest Eric....."

"What now?" he groaned, rolling his eyes and swallowing visibly.

Holy shit. If this stupid Jew wanted him, why didn't he just say so?

"....Nah, never mind. I think you should leave before my parents find us...knowing my Mom, she'll definitely think you made me dress like a girl..." Kyle grinned, walking over and opening the window for him.

"You are so fucking weird." Cartman muttered, walking over to the window.

He glanced at Kyle one last time and reached a hand out to tug at a red lock of hair, watching it as it bounced back into place when he released it.

"But you don't look too bad as a girl." he smirked and held his hand up to his ear like a phone. "Call me sometime. Maybe we can have some fun."

And with that, he jumped out the window onto the tree branch, sliding down to the ground with his video camera in hand. He waved a quick goodbye to Kyle and turned to walk back home.

'That'll throw him for a loop.' he thought to himself, laughing maniacally on the inside.

But instead....Kyle started laughing.

Hysterically.

'Oh, he thinks I'm just gonna blush and not talk to him anymore...but I'm taking him on that offer....I'm going to call him over and over.....' he thought, flopping on his bed and bouncing on it.

Sure, he was into the whole cross dressing thing...he liked making himself look pretty.

It still didn't mean he was gay.

And after seeing Cartman come into his room and freak out on him, he knew he would be in deep trouble if the idiot ran his mouth. So he scared the hell out of him...Heaven knows that Cartman's going to be scrubbing himself right now in the shower, washing his hair with the strongest shampoo known to man.

And Kyle would forever be entertained, knowing that he scared the shit out of Eric Cartman.

...Maybe he should show up to Cartman's house in just a bikini.

....It would be a lovely Happy Birthday Present.

There you have it! Pretty interesting, right? I thought so.

So yeah, hope you guys liked it! Drop by a review and tell us what you think.

There's an alternate version in the next chapter, so make sure you check that out! Thank you guys so much for reading! I know this is a little unexpected from me since my main priority is DTM, but I thought this was pretty fun for a change!

That's it for now! Love you guys~!

-Soul