The idea of this came to me while writing Naruto McDowell: if I had Evangeline rectify the third most screwed up infancy in the world of fiction, why don't do the same with the second most screwed up, Harry Potter's one? Or it was Harry's the third one and Naruto's the second? And no, I won't try with the two tied at the first place: I can't write Evangeline raising Gaara without having Sasori engaging a relationship with Chachazero (and having those two engaged give me nightmares), and having Evangeline learning of what Saotome Genma did to his son before Ranma can take care of himself equals in my mind to such destruction to scare Godzilla... So, let's doom Hogwarts and the Dursleys!

by lord Martiya

Disclaimer: the Harry Potter books and related characters, stories and places are registered properties of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury. The manga Negima! Magister Negi Magi and related characters, stories and places are registered properties of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha. The relationship between Wizards and Mages are a derivation of the idea of ZephyrFiction, who I thanks for granting permission to use, in his fanfiction International Magic (I suggest you check that out to see Harry receive the cuddles he need). For all the rest in here and your incoming insanity from reading, the blame is mine.

FIRST PERIOD: VAMPIRE UNLEASHED

Evangeline A.K. McDowell, the Dark Evangeline, the Maga Nosferatu, the Queen of the Night, the Apostle of Destruction, the Tidings of Evil, and many other dreadful nicknames, in short the most feared person in the world (even Voldemort at his peak was just a distant second), was doing something most people couldn't imagine her doing: meditating. But, after all, if she hadn't started killing people at random it was just for that. And she had more reasons than ever: just two hours earlier, Negi Springfield, her only hope of boosting her sealed powers enough to free herself, had publicy naked her while she was toying with him before capture, and then the blackout that gave her powers back ended, forcing her in defeat. In those moments, Chachamaru just placed a biohazard sign and ran away with Chachazero, as it was too dangerous even for them until she had finished. That's why Evangeline couldn't believe that someone dared to knock at her door.

"How do you wanna die?" she said opening the door.

"Hearthstroke after a wonderful night of sex with all of my harem in my imperial palace after taking over the world, thanks." was the reply. From Qiao Ling Cheng, one of the few people who could dare that without being slayed. And the worst part was that Qiao was even sincere... "But I'm not here for that, I'm here for business."

"What kind of business?" Evangeline replied, resisting the temptation of slaying the mad scientist.

"I can free you."

Evangeline looked at Qiao speechless, then, with a hint of hope, spoke: "Are you sure? I'd need five days for the ritual..."

"And a little shimose(1) can destroy the barrier generators, but I had in mind the other method: the password."

The infamous Infernus Scholasticus that blocked her in place was a secured-type curse (a Goddess Curse, as they called it in Japan from a famous manga(2)), almost impossible to break without incredibly superior magical powers. That was one of the two reasons Evangeline was still blocked: she didn't knew the password Nagi used (and Evangeline tried anything she could imagine in the last twelve years, from 'password' to incredibly complex combinations of letters and numbers passing through thousands of words, the Tetragrammaton, all of the names that were used in place of the Tetragrammaton and various stupid jokes), and without that she needed a very long ritual, a boost from a large quantity of blood from one of Nagi's blood relatives or an even greater boost from other sources. But if she had, she would be able to break the curse in every moment, even when she was sick. For that password, Evangeline would do almost anything.

"And the price?" Evangeline asked.

"Your word of Lady of the Thirstle that you'll go in a certain non-restricted place in Surrey, take a look and act as you wish, ne." Qiao replied.

"I'll do it."

"The password is Lic Lac Lalac Lilac."

"My magic activation key?!"

"He found it funny."

Evangeline used the password for the spellbreaking, and was immediatly released from both her curse and the school barrier sealing her own powers. Then facepalmed.

"Tell me where I have to go, then run away before I start cursing at Nagi." Evangeline said.

"4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging." Qiao said, then ran away.

"Master, why there were all those dead birds?" Chachamaru asked.

"The something that freed her had simply warranted a lot of cursing." Chachazero replied. "It happens every time, she know such curses and swearing that once she killed the crew of a... What unit was?"

"It was the 502nd SS Heavy-Panzer Battalion(3)." Evangeline informed. "Now let's look in, it may be funny."

Evangeline and her two partners looked in.

"What the fucking hell are they doing?!" was the comment. From Chachamaru.

"Since when do you know curses?" Chachazero asked.

"From when I was first programmed, I just didn't found occasions to use them."

"Shut up." Evangeline ordered.

What they had seen and were continuing to see was simply disgusting, even for Evangeline. Yes, she was born in a time when parents openly used violence as part of the education of their children, and herself had received great spankings at her time, but even back in that time without concept of child abuse there were limits, limits the people of the house were openly breaching. The fat family head and his skinny wife were forcing a 4 years old child, their nephew according to some word she heard, to do chores a child wasn't build to do, beated him up for 'offences' the like of not arriving at their calls fast enough (two minutes with him being at the other side of the house and busy with chores) or interrupting his chores to answer their calls, encouraged their own spoiled and fattening son to beat him up, called him a freak, insulted his parents and even had him sleep in a cupboard under the stairs.

"Chachamaru, prepare to destroy the bodies." Evangeline ordered.

"Yes, mast-" Chachamaru said. Then stated: "Master, they just mentioned Dumbledore."

"What?"

"Apparently he gave them the child in care when he was 1 and his parents had just died."

Evangeline didn't liked that: as a mage, and probably the most powerful who had ever lived, she hadn't exactly a good opinion of most wizards, but she hadn't ever though that one of them, especially Dumbledore, would do something like that. Hell, she wouldn't believe Gellert Grindelwald being capable of such a thing, and Grindelwald was Hitler's partner in crime. Well, it wasn't a good comparison, after all Grindelwald was a pretty decent man if you didn't account his ideology and had actually saved a lot of Hebrews, Roma, Gay and other 'inferior people' from his own partner in crime (and that spared him from the Hanging, Drawing & Quartering requested by the prosecutor), but she had heard that even the vicious Voldemort strictly forbade his followers from child abuse. If the two single worst criminal of magical history loathed child abuse, why in the hell the man who arrested one and fought the other would have two people do that? While thinking about that, she realized to not have controlled well the area, and did so. And discovered that the house was site to a blood-activated love-powered ward. Whoever casted it was so good that had to be on Lily's(4) level, and in fact she found her 'design signature' in an angle meaning she was the one who designed it, and that and Dumbledore being the caster with his Elder Wand were the only thing that prevented it from falling to pieces: it was so rarely and so little powered enough that any other ward, even if casted with the Elder Wand, or if it wasn't casted by Dumbledore with his wand, Lily or Evangeline herself, it would have failed three years earlier. Also, she found that a non-magical member of a magical family (squint or something like that, she didn't remembered) was regularly there looking around. All the three facts alone warranted further investigation, and together...

"Chachamaru, order rescinded." Evangeline ordered.

Later that night Evangeline sneaked in, and found an old letter from Dumbledore.

Dear Petunia, I'm Albus Dumbledore. You sure remember me as the headmaster of Hogwarts from when I had to refuse your application. I'm still sorry about that, but my school is a magic school, and, quite frankly, you have no magic power.

I'm sorry to inform you that your sister Lily and her husband, James Potter, were killed last night by a Dark Wizard calling himself Voldemort. He was disposed of, so he won't be a treath for the time being. However, he still has followers.

And this is why I'm writing you. The child you found with this letter is your nephew, Harry James Potter. With help from his mother he managed to defeat Voldemort, and his scar is the sign of that. I need you take care of him for the time being, as you're his only relative. Obviously, all expenses for Harry's care will be taken care by me.

Yours,

Sir Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Supreme Mugwomp, Chief Warlock, Grand Sorcerer, Victoria Cross, Order of Merlin (First Class), Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry(5)

P.S.: I'd be very disappointed by an eventual refuse, and even more disappointed if Harry came out spoiled, intolerant against magic or too indipendent.

For the second time that day, Evangeline facepalmed, this time for Dumbledore's epic failure: clearly he wanted to defend Harry, the famous Boy Who Lived, from the Death Eaters, and possibly Voldemort himself (after all, in the letter it was said he was disposed of, not that he was dead) by using a protection gave him by his mother (from the hint in the letter and having met Voldemort once, she deduced that Harry's mother willingly sacrificed herself to protect his son. She would bet that Voldemort was defeated because the idiot failed to account for that and was struck by his own curse when he tried to kill the child), and then ruined everything by sending him to a relative unable to maintain the wards and refill the protection. And while the post script insured that Harry would take care of, the Dursley had evidently interpreted the 'spoiled' and 'too indipendent' parts as an unspoken authorization to beat the crap out of him. And Dumbledore would probably ignore it, if he had a manipulable Harry (after all, why should he be worried about a 'too indipendent' Harry?).

"Not if I can help, Dumbly." Evangeline said. "Not if I can help. Chachamaru, give me Elizabeth's chief administrator's phone address. How is he called, anyway? Only the name, I remember the last name."
"Antony Charles Lynton, better known as Tony B-."

"Fine, fine. The address."

Number 10, Downing Street.

In the 'master' room, a phone rang.

"What the hell..." the 'master' of the house said before pulling on the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, Right Honorable. I'm Lady Evangeline Athanasia Kathrine McDowell of Garthland, VC, GC, LT."

"Do you really exist?!?!?!"

"Yes, I do. Are you interested in having the Minister For Magic and his Chief Warlock humiliated?"

"What I have to do?"

The following night, Vernon Dursley was thrown down from the bed by an insistent knocking at his door. At midnight.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!?!?!" he shout.

Two second later, the police peppered his eyes with the riot guns, and then KOed him with their batons, then they procedeed to do the same with his wife. Later, in presence of their lawyer, they were notified that were filled charges for child abuse against them.

"But he's a freak! We were just trying to beat the magic out of him!" Vernon replied.

The officers exchanged a look, and the lawyer facepalmed.

"Riight... Now, why do you had that 'freak' in your home?"

Later, the lawyer asked mental infirmity for Vernon, while Petunia tried to save her neck by appearing dominated by her husband.

Albus Dumbledore wasn't having a good day. First, his control instruments lost track of Harry Potter and exploded, and then he found out that the Muggle police had arrested the Dursleys for child abuse on Harry, apparently acting on charges from the Prime Minister himself. Now, after placing Aurors to watch Harry, he was trying to rally the Wizengamot on his support to have the Dursleys freed and raising Harry Potter again, for he couldn't risk having an indipendent Harry, but the Scottish members, led by the MacDowall(6) representative, were opposing, and even questioning the Minister and his own ability to make good decisions on the matter and the Dursleys' right to be considered Humans.

"Why, exactly, are you questioning their right to be considered Humans?" Dumbledore asked.

"Humans are Beings. Now, the definition of Being is 'Any Creature that has sufficient intelligence to understand the laws of the Magical Community and to bear part of the responsability in shaping those laws', and as Vernon Dursley has not similar intelligence, he can't be a Being." was the reply from the MacDowall representative, a Rachel MacDouall.

"And what make you believe him not intelligent enough?"

"That's what he said in front of the Muggle police, and in presence of his barrister."

Rachel played a record from the Muggle police in Little Whinging.

"But he's a freak! We were just trying to beat the magic out of him!"

Dumbledore and the Wizengamot were horrified from Vernon's declaration.

"While I find this declaration horrible, I'd like you focus on the fact he made that to people who didn't knew about Magic." Rachel pointed. "And there's more."

"Riight... Now, why do you had that 'freak' in your home?"

"Hu? Well... It's all his fault!"

"Whose fault?"

"That Dumbledore! He's another magician! He forced me to abuse Harry with his magic!"

"Jim, add Insults to the Police at his charges."

"Mr. Dursley's declaration to be forced by a spell was proven false by the Aurors and indipendent experts." Rachel said, stopping a general outrage at Dumbledore. "Still, he was so stupid to try and frame you, a person he knew very important in the Magical Community, without having implanted fake evidences, and framing you in a Muggle process. Now, fellow WM, can such a person be considered intelligent enough to understand the laws? Can he be a Being?"

"Well, those declarations may create some doubt..." Dumbledore admitted. "In front of these evidences, I have to retire my petition to help the Dursleys. Now, we h-"

Dumbledore was about prompting a decision about Harry Potter's guardianship when an Auror stormed in.

"HARRY POTTER WAS KIDNAPPED!"

Mahora, Japan.

"Are you my mother?" the young Harry asked.

"Sadly, no. But I'll be." Evangeline, in adult form, replied, trying to not laugh at her little exercise in the abilities that REALLY gave her the Puppet Mistress title.

footnotes

(1)A powerful explosive based on the picric acid. It was invented by Shimose Masachika, and widely (and deadly) used in Japanese artillery shells, bombs and torpedoes from 1893. In the naval battles of the 1905 Russo-Japanese War, Russian warships were literally burned by a variant of this explosive.

(2)The manga is Ah! My Goddess!, where the effect of a spell are secured in place by a password decided by the caster, and attempts to break the spell without the password may do (and normally do) more harm than good, for the fan of us readers.

(3)An SS heavy tank formation consisting of 45 Tiger tanks. As part of the 9. Armee, it was destroyed in the Battle of Halbe on april 28 1945 against forces of the 1st Ukranian Front of the Red Army.

(4)She's not Lily Evans, she's an OC of mine for my Negima! stories. And, thanks to natural talents and a long experience, she's the best in the world at wards and curses (incidentally, Evangeline's the best at breaking them).

(5)As it's a formal letter, I had Dumbledore sign with all of his titles in the most probable order (the Victoria Cross in UK goes before anything else. There're no post-nominal letter as Dumbledore anticipated that Petunia wouldn't understand their meanings, so preferred to use his full titles.

(6)Historical and still existing Scottish Clan, it's actually Evangeline's family (McDowell is an alternative spelling to the most used MacDowall). They were one of the most powerful clans in the Lowlands, being even capable of kidnapping king James VI of Scotland and keeping him imprisoned in his own castle (specifically, Edinburgh Castle) with no repercussions (the other clans involved in the fact, the infamous Ruthven Raid, had their heads executed by beheading).