Disclaimer: Star Trek, Spock, and Kirk belong to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount.
A/N: I swear I haven't abandoned Mission to Gamus! The update is coming tomorrow if I have to kill myself. But this was too funny not to post...
You know that funny email that has been circulating about the dog's perspective vs. the cat's perspective? Well I took that and ran with it, only using Kirk and Spock. Guess who's the dog? Love you, Jim! Warning: This crack!fic contains slashy Kirk/Spock references!
Here's the original email, it will make more sense if you read this first.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
This is my take on how the email would go if Kirk was the dog, and Spock was the cat.
Inside Edition: Enterprise - Kirk and Spock's personal logs
Excerpts from Captain James T. Kirk's personal log:
Stardate: 2254-05
8:00 am - Had replicated blueberry waffles dunked in syrup for breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:00 am – Reported to the bridge and sat in my captain's chair! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - Ordered Sulu to increase the ship's speed to warp factor nine! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - Sparred with Spock in the gym and almost got choked to death! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed, petted, and comforted by Spock after our shower! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Had steak for lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played 3-D chess with Spock and actually won! My favorite thing!
2:00 pm – Beamed down to Klingon and almost got kidnapped but didn't because Spock came to my rescue! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Received Starfleet's reprimand for aggressive negotiations on my mission to Rigel VI resulting in being assigned cargo transfer missions for two months straight! My favorite thing! Wait a second…
4:00 pm – Drank whiskey with Bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm – Listened to Chekov make a shipwide announcement about the Enterprise approaching New Wulcan! My favorite thing!
6:30 pm – Met with my father in-law on New Vulcan and discussed Spock's upcoming Pon Farr! Not my favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Discussed the merits of captaining the Enterprise with Scotty! My favorite thing!
7:15 pm – Accidentally walked in on Scotty making out with Uhura! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Sent Cupcake to the brig for sleeping on the job! My favorite thing!
9:00 pm – Ignored Bones' summons to Sick Bay for my annual physical! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – "Slept" and melded with my t'hy'la! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from Commander Spock's personal log:
Stardate: 2254-05
Day 383 of my starship assignment amongst illogical humans...
My fellow crewmembers continue to taunt me about my lack of emotions. They like to openly share their feelings with all on board which taints everyone's professional working relationships. All of this unrestrained emoting gives me a headache. On New Vulcan, this would not be tolerated. Perhaps I should have accepted the invitation to the Vulcan Science Academy…
Although I make my contempt for gossip perfectly clear, I nevertheless eavesdrop on Yeoman Rand when she confesses her undying love for the captain to Nurse Chapel. Yeoman Rand finds herself the accidental victim of a Vulcan Nerve Pinch at lunch.
The only thing that keeps me going is my life bond to the captain. In an attempt to annoy Dr. McCoy, I once again give Jim a subtle Vulcan kiss at the lunch table. The doctor proceeds to vomit all over Scotty, who shrugs and excuses himself to get a new sandwich.
Today I faced a Klingon in combat when he attempted to abscond with my captain. I had hoped that flinging him across the room would strike fear into his heart, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of when my bondmate's life is threatened. However, he merely made condescending comments about my manhood before reluctantly surrendering Jim. Fascinating, Klingon behavior is. Now the Klingons know that they should never try to come between my bondmate and I or else they will suffer my wrath!
I am convinced that many of the other officers on board are still frightened of me, just because of that one incident where I almost choked Jim to death on the bridge. That incident occurred a year ago! It is called forgiveness. They would be wise to grant me such.
On the starship Enterprise, the captain receives special privileges. He is regularly complaining of back pain - and seems to be more than willing to ask for his first officer's assistance even though we are in plain sight of the bridge crew. He is obviously retarded.
The doctor has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the captain regularly. I am certain that he reports my private medical conditions to Jim even though I have repeatedly asked him not to. The doctor is currently engaged in a long term friendship with my bondmate, so he is safe from my baser instincts. For now...
There was some sort of assembly called by Jim and his accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was the only way they could keep this a surprise. I must learn what they are planning!
Today I was almost successful in keeping my emotional reaction a secret, but that is very difficult if you are pied in the face with chocolate mousse. This was Jim's intent all along. Whether he knew that chocolate is a natural Vulcan aphrodisiac still remains to be seen.
Our nighttime session was more pleasurable than usual! However, my t'hy'la looks much too proud of himself, which makes me believe Jim does know about the chocolate. He falls asleep in my arms and I wish to never be parted from him. These humans have apparently tainted my logic.
THE END
A/N: Like it? Hate it? Was Spock getting pied in the face whilst on duty by Jim and co. too unprofessional? Hahaha.