Author's Note. Thank you to the people who reviewed. It was supremely
nice. As always, your feedback is much appreciated.
Chapter 12: Revelations and The End
"Okay, Aragorn," said Catalina, crossing her fair arms and giving him an evil look, "decide whether you want to marry me—a gorgeous, blonde, eternally young elven queen, or the French twit."
"Oh, oh, oh" said Lauren, "Pick me, I vill be nice queen."
"Gandalf?" said Legolas.
"What do you want?" asked Gandalf annoyed, "this is the really dramatic part, the final confrontation. What a great story this will make!"
"Why are you giving Aragorn the choice? Doesn't he have to marry Catalina or the world is doomed?"
"I want to marry Lauren," said Aragorn.
"Excellent," said Gandalf under his breath, then, "Oh no! The world is doomed! Doomed! All has been in vain, we're all dead!"
"You planned this, didn't you?" asked Mercedes.
"It makes such a tragic story, truly epic!" said Gandalf.
"And you told me to," said Aragorn, looking confused, "you told me I had to or. . ."
"Shut up, you fool!"
"Wait a minute," said Legolas, looking from one member of the Fellowship to the next, "you knew! You knew all the time!"
"Of course we knew," said Frodo in an eerily calm voice, "it was the only way. We were sick of all those 'parodies' in which we acted stupid, not to mention Sam and I are gay half the time. We wanted an epic. Gandalf showed us the way. Don't you see, Legolas? It's so easy." He smiled sadistically.
Legolas looked to Catalina, Mercedes, and for some reason, Boromir. They looked baffled.
"This whole time," he began, the realization dawning on him, "you knew how this would end. You knew the world would be destroyed, and you let it happen. Every time I tried to lead you right, you purposefully messed it up so you could have a good story?!? You're sick!"
"Oh, of course you think so!" cried Sam in a booming voice, "all the fangirls just loooove you. What about Sam? When was the last time anyone wrote a self-insert about falling in love with me?!?" Everyone looked critically at Mercedes, who looked guiltily at the floor.
"You were all going along with this story, pretending you wanted to save the world, and all you really wanted was an epic story in which the world was destroyed? Don't you know that the parody is the highest form of art? But no, it was all a lie. Aragorn's not really that stupid, and . . ."
"Oh, Aragorn is that stupid," said Gandalf, "they all are in fact. You're the only one smart enough to realize how STUPID my evil plan was. That's why you're the only one who didn't know. Come on, I mean I convinced the Fellowship to make the story longer and more epic by ignoring obvious solution to our problems. Then at the end, tragedy strikes. You were the only one who could prevent it, and you nearly did. But now it's too late. You can't defeat the inevitable doom and the literary masterpiece it will produce. MWAHAHAHA!"
"You haven't won yet," said Legolas, "I know what can ruin your story."
"Nothing," said Gandalf, "Catalina swore she would spread a shadow on the world. Our 'quest' failed. The world is doomed. The story is magnificent!" Gandalf laughed a high, evil laugh.
"Oh, Mercedes, my love. . ." said Legolas with a smile.
"No! Not that!" cried Gandalf, "not the fluff! We're so close to having a tragic ending!"
"You know I've always thought you had the most beautiful eyes. . ."
"NOOOOO!"
"And I want to marry you and make you a princess. . ."
"AHHHHH! NOOOO! This isn't happening! I had it all worked out, it was to be a brilliant ending! Curse you, you've ruined it! You ruined everything!" with those words, Gandalf's head spontaneously combusted and great fuchsia birds flew out of his body. The traitorous members of the Fellowship who had betrayed the causes of truth and freedom in the hopes of a decent story were turned to soaps. In the years that followed, Catalina took over Middle Earth, but instead of a shadow, the intelligent and beautiful queen spread love and prosperity. Legolas and Mercedes were married and the fair elven princess and her kitty warriors lived happily ever after.
"Man," said Legolas, "Gandalf would have hated this. A very stupid and fluffy end to a very stupid parody."
The End
Chapter 12: Revelations and The End
"Okay, Aragorn," said Catalina, crossing her fair arms and giving him an evil look, "decide whether you want to marry me—a gorgeous, blonde, eternally young elven queen, or the French twit."
"Oh, oh, oh" said Lauren, "Pick me, I vill be nice queen."
"Gandalf?" said Legolas.
"What do you want?" asked Gandalf annoyed, "this is the really dramatic part, the final confrontation. What a great story this will make!"
"Why are you giving Aragorn the choice? Doesn't he have to marry Catalina or the world is doomed?"
"I want to marry Lauren," said Aragorn.
"Excellent," said Gandalf under his breath, then, "Oh no! The world is doomed! Doomed! All has been in vain, we're all dead!"
"You planned this, didn't you?" asked Mercedes.
"It makes such a tragic story, truly epic!" said Gandalf.
"And you told me to," said Aragorn, looking confused, "you told me I had to or. . ."
"Shut up, you fool!"
"Wait a minute," said Legolas, looking from one member of the Fellowship to the next, "you knew! You knew all the time!"
"Of course we knew," said Frodo in an eerily calm voice, "it was the only way. We were sick of all those 'parodies' in which we acted stupid, not to mention Sam and I are gay half the time. We wanted an epic. Gandalf showed us the way. Don't you see, Legolas? It's so easy." He smiled sadistically.
Legolas looked to Catalina, Mercedes, and for some reason, Boromir. They looked baffled.
"This whole time," he began, the realization dawning on him, "you knew how this would end. You knew the world would be destroyed, and you let it happen. Every time I tried to lead you right, you purposefully messed it up so you could have a good story?!? You're sick!"
"Oh, of course you think so!" cried Sam in a booming voice, "all the fangirls just loooove you. What about Sam? When was the last time anyone wrote a self-insert about falling in love with me?!?" Everyone looked critically at Mercedes, who looked guiltily at the floor.
"You were all going along with this story, pretending you wanted to save the world, and all you really wanted was an epic story in which the world was destroyed? Don't you know that the parody is the highest form of art? But no, it was all a lie. Aragorn's not really that stupid, and . . ."
"Oh, Aragorn is that stupid," said Gandalf, "they all are in fact. You're the only one smart enough to realize how STUPID my evil plan was. That's why you're the only one who didn't know. Come on, I mean I convinced the Fellowship to make the story longer and more epic by ignoring obvious solution to our problems. Then at the end, tragedy strikes. You were the only one who could prevent it, and you nearly did. But now it's too late. You can't defeat the inevitable doom and the literary masterpiece it will produce. MWAHAHAHA!"
"You haven't won yet," said Legolas, "I know what can ruin your story."
"Nothing," said Gandalf, "Catalina swore she would spread a shadow on the world. Our 'quest' failed. The world is doomed. The story is magnificent!" Gandalf laughed a high, evil laugh.
"Oh, Mercedes, my love. . ." said Legolas with a smile.
"No! Not that!" cried Gandalf, "not the fluff! We're so close to having a tragic ending!"
"You know I've always thought you had the most beautiful eyes. . ."
"NOOOOO!"
"And I want to marry you and make you a princess. . ."
"AHHHHH! NOOOO! This isn't happening! I had it all worked out, it was to be a brilliant ending! Curse you, you've ruined it! You ruined everything!" with those words, Gandalf's head spontaneously combusted and great fuchsia birds flew out of his body. The traitorous members of the Fellowship who had betrayed the causes of truth and freedom in the hopes of a decent story were turned to soaps. In the years that followed, Catalina took over Middle Earth, but instead of a shadow, the intelligent and beautiful queen spread love and prosperity. Legolas and Mercedes were married and the fair elven princess and her kitty warriors lived happily ever after.
"Man," said Legolas, "Gandalf would have hated this. A very stupid and fluffy end to a very stupid parody."
The End