THE NEW ADVICE GIVERRRRR

Dear Ms. Grace,

My son is a 24-year-old graduate of Gotham University, but still lives at home with my husband and me, rent-free. Since his older sister died when he was 15, we've probably coddled him to excess, to help him cope with the loss of his only sibling. Now he has no job (nor is he looking for one), and he's bringing rather loose women home with him to spend the night on a regular basis. Needless to say, we don't approve, but we can't make him stop this behavior. We're afraid that if we give him an ultimatum, he'll leave and we'll never see him again. We can't bear to lose our only child. What do you recommend we do, to encourage him to take responsibility in his life?

Sincerely,

Mrs. F

- - - REPLY - - -

DeAr Mrs. Efffffffffff,

Ms. Grace the ADvicE lady has Gone bye-bye. I am reSPonding in her (permanent) abseNce.

yOur son is cuRRently liVing the Life of Riley. Why shOuld hE chAnge? You and your HusBand have failed as parents. THat's all THERE is tO it. Failed.

hoW Did your daughTer die? Was it from a catAstrOPHic aX-ee-Dent (harveydent, harveydent) tHat I caused? ThE idea maKes me sMile.

Ha ha HA hA HAHA shE DieD. Ha

Go staB a grOcery store CleRk. You'll feel betTEr about Being a useless parent.

-JOker

Dear Ms. Grace,

Last month, my wife's older brother invited us to his house, hosting his own birthday party. I'll call him "D". Although our money is tight, we bought "D" a new food processor, which he mentioned he needed. Just yesterday, we were at my wife's younger brother's house (I'll call him "L"), and to my astonishment, we learned that "D" had re-gifted the food processor to "L". We were told that the gift was a result of "D" cleaning out his house recently, and unloading items he didn't need. Both my wife and I were affronted by this. I want to give "D" a piece of my mind, but my wife doesn't want to stir the pot. What would you advise?

Sincerely,

Annoyed

- - - REPLY - - -

hmmMmm… so YoU are annoyed. U r a NOID.

NOID? WhaT do noIdS do for Fun? R noiDS allowed to Get a driver'S liceNse?

MaybE your gift was a hunK of useless crap. Was it a bRAnd name gadget? maYBe he got riD of it

bEcauSe it

sucKs.

and on thAt topic, U suck, AnnOyed. You u yew ewe Suck.

Do ya eveN got a PAIR in youR FruIt of the LooMs there, sport-O?

If u do, I

hoPe (hope, dope, mope, soap, Pope-on-a-rope)

ur geNitals haVe a

clOse en-KOWN-terrRRrrrrr

with said foOd proceSsor. Ha ha hahaHa Ha HA!

Maybe if soMeone fed you soMe penis patE, you

would leaRN to aCt like a man with BALLS, instead of writiNG letTers like a girlllll.

if I c U, on the street, I'm staBbing U in the eaR.

-JOKER

Pee Ess: purple graPes are my FaVorite of the Fruit of the Loom guys.

Pee Pee Ess: Ms. Grace is dEad, so StoP writinG to her. doN't wriTe to ME either, becAuse U... R a dOUche.

Dear Ms. Grace,

My older sister is a senior at the high school where I'm a sophomore. Her friends came over for a slumber party last weekend, and one of them brought alcohol. I saw my sister drink some, even though she's only 17. I think I should tell my parents, but I'm afraid she will start mean rumors about me in school if I tell. What should I do? I don't want her to get hurt by drinking and driving.

Sincerely,

Worried Little Sister

- - - REPLY - - -

Ummm… whY wasn't I invited to the par-teeee?

HmmMm?

Slumber parTies are my FaVorite! When everyone is giGGling and paiNTinG each other's toenails, it's eaSy to Rob the hOUSe and set iT on fiRe.

don't teLL your paRENTs about the aLcohol. No one liKes a snitch, Little Sister. Did you heaR me?

NO ONE likes a SNITCH.

snitChes don't

Live loNG

in Gothammmmmmm.

sTart mEan rumors about yoUR sister

. . . . .at sChool (like mAybE she sLept with the wHole football team and has Chlamydia)

Ha haHA Ha heh

Ha

Vee dee is fun-ee.

TheN she'LL lose all heR friends and

NO one will brinG

her alcohol

and sHe'll sit at HoMe and mope and reALIze she's a loSer and get KnoCKed up by the firSt guy who slEeps with her then she'll maRry him and take out all her anGER on him and

Push him

into a liFe of alcoHolism and petTy crime. i neeD another recruit. I keep Killing mine oFf.

dO it, and waTch her life unravel. Low self-estEEm is funny. Ha ha

-JOkeR

... bY the wAy, Mizzzz graCE is d-e-A-d, so i am thE only one wHO will answer advICe letters now. Ha hee ha HA!

Author's Note: If you need advice from the Joker about a matter that concerns you, submit your question in a review. He will reply to everyone... but what he'll actually write is anyone's guess.

-4oC 2009.06.30