You would think that we walked off into the sunset at that point, right?

Life is never that simple. Walking away from Starfleet became messy, painful, and ultimately destructive.

But more about that later...Because I need to remember the good times first.

Spock and I took some time for ourselves after we resigned our commissions. We first travelled to Iowa to see my nephew Peter, who was there with his wife and kids. They wanted to try life on Earth for awhile. We didn't stay there long, though. Since Mom died, the farm seemed too quiet. Peter understood and didn't object when we headed to Vulcan after a few days.

Vulcan was where I finally got to teach my bondmate about the true meaning of being loved by a human.

After visiting with his parents, Spock took me on a tour of the geographical sites of the planet. We explored small rivers and oases, canyons and sand dunes. They were all beautiful in their own harsh ways. But the site that caught my attention the most housed a small volcano.

It was in a valley, surprisingly enough, between two larger hills. Its location and size reminded me of a young boy standing between his two older brothers.

When I told this to Spock, he raised an eyebrow and told me that the small volcano was the remnant of the gigantic one that created Vulcan's continuous land mass. That little thing had completely covered the planet with its lava and had hid most of the water underground.

I nodded when he finished his explanation and gave him a smile. "I owe a debt of gratitude to that volcano, then."

"Oh?" Spock looked at me curiously.

"If it wasn't for that volcano and the planet it created, I wouldn't know you. Your logic, your tenacity, and your sharp mind are all a result of this land and its conditions."

"Yet you, a man from a gentler place, tempered them. You helped me refine my being. I would not be who I am now if you were not with me." He took my hands and squeezed gently.

Although I was flattered by his comment, I knew he was giving me more credit than I deserved. "You would have found a way. You always seem to know what you need to grow, to become more than you are at the moment."

"Much of the time, you have been part of what I needed to spur that growth, t'hy'la. You must realize that by now."

I shrugged. "I was a convenient foil or cheerleader when I needed to be."

Spock looked at me with a slightly exasperated expression. "False modesty is not necessary. In fact, it is a hinderance. For I need you again this day, so I may learn."

I blinked in confusion. We were on vacation, not a mission. Even Vulcans needed to rest once in awhile. So I had to ask, "Learn what?"

He gave me one of his unwavering looks. The subject of his lesson had to be serious, something that meant a lot to him. So I waited patiently until he could admit he needed to know more about "Human expressions of affection."

Puzzled, I started walking along the base of the volcano. His request made no sense. It sounded like the things we had been teaching him as a child of 35 (Given their long lives, most Vulcans are considered to be youths until about 50). "Spock, you've watched people express all kinds of affection over the years. You've even been on the receiving end of a lot of them, from me and from others. By now, you should have all of them labelled and classified. What more could you learn from me?"

Spock came over and stopped my pacing with a light hand on my shoulder. He then laid a single finger on my lips to quiet me as he spoke. "I wish to learn those which you find most meaningful when you wish to convey love."

Oh. That was something entirely different. Something much more personal. My heart leapt as I considered the possibilities in his words. Was it finally my turn to give to him? Was he really allowing me to show him how much I loved him?

I examined his somber face. To most, it would look just like any other Vulcan's. But I saw a twinkle in his eyes that hinted at the deep feelings that he hid behind his countenance.

I kissed the finger lightly. "All of them?" I asked quietly.

Spock nodded. "I have reserved a room in a building a few kilometers away."

With that, I let my bondmate lead me away from the volcano and to a transport that took us to what could be best described as an inn.

It was a tall structure, like most Terran hotels, but it had an earthiness and quiet that reminded me of old English inns.

Our room had a great view of that little volcano and the two hills guarding its sides. I smiled as I stood by the window and looked out to see the sight that had so fascinated me. "You know so much about me. More than I do, at times."

When I turned away from the window, Spock was taking off his meditation robe and setting it aside. He nodded in acknowledgement of my observation, then added, "But your affectionate nature is something I have kept at arm's length. I believe it is time to change that."

"Why now?" We had been married nearly thirty years. It was a bit late for a 'getting to know you' session.

But I should have known my Vulcan would have a logical explanation, even at that point. I watched as the corners of Spock's mouth lifted in a small smile. "Because now I have fewer reasons to hold you away."

I nodded my understanding. Our lives had changed in ways that made us more accessible to each other. "No decorum to maintain, no 3 am red alerts."

"Precisely." The twinkle in his eyes grew more pronounced.

I walked away from the window and watched Spock sit on the bed. As I moved closer, he held out his hand to me.

"I will not beg this time, t'hy'la. But I still must ask."

"I will always say yes." Unable to resist for a second more, I leaned down and kissed him before we both climbed into bed.

He must have known how much this opportunity meant to me. Because, for the first time in our relationship, he allowed me complete control over our physical joining. I didn't realize what a difference that made until I touched him. It was a simple touch, really. I just laid a hand on his side to feel his heart beat.

The light caress made Spock tremble and moan. That, in turn, made me gasp softly as the bond flared with his emotions: love, desire, fear.

He wanted to just let himself feel them, but his training fought him at every turn. So I reminded him that he was in a safe place, a place where he could be himself without worry. "Shh. It's just us. You can let your control go." To emphasize my point, I ran my hand up his side soothingly.

It took a few minutes and some coaxing, but when my bondmate finally freed himself of logic's restraint, he practically glowed.

This was the essence of the being I married, the self I had glimpsed so briefly after Spock's Kohlinar trial. To see it again filled me with awe. I felt unworthy to be given such a gift.

But he chose me. So, in return, I did as he had asked. I made love to him.

When he responded to me without hesitation, as if I was his whole existence, I cried. Tears ran down my face as I caressed his body. Sobs were wrenched from me as I slid into him.

And when I saw the tears of joy running down his face, I orgasmed. But once again, the physical sensations in that moment were nothing compared to the mental ecstacy we shared. This time, my emotions were secondary to his. I was amazed at how much I made him feel and at his trust that I wouldn't take advantage of his vulnerable state.

I collapsed on him, overwhelmed.

Spock wrapped me in his arms as I wept. Then he kissed me. A human kiss. It created such strong emotions in me that I had to make love to him all over again.

Not two minutes after we had finished.

It was like that all day and into the night. We loved each other continuously. Looking back, it's like seeing the mirror image of our first time together.

They both seemed to go on forever, but where the first had been fierce, this was gentle. Where the first had been painful, this was ecstatic. Where the first had been driven by biology, this was driven by the heart.

It was also the last. I didn't know it at the time. Even if I had, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

It's the events after that day that I wish I could change. Because I did something insanely stupid.

I became infatuated with someone else.

I know what you're thinking. How could I, after that night?

It was surprisingly easy.

After our planetary tour, Spock stayed on Vulcan to train for the diplomatic corps. I went back to Earth to help Peter sell the farm. We both decided it was time to let go of the past.

I was only supposed to be there a few weeks. But there were old land deeds to sort through and Mom's trinkets to divide between us and sell. Then, Peter decided he wanted to move to my uncle's horse farm a few kilometers away. Of course, I found myself helping with that, too.

The weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, two years had passed.

Without Spock around, I was lonely. Oh, I know. It was my own fault I was on Earth. But I was convinced Peter needed me. And since we tended not to speak through the bond, it gave me only a small steady reminder of Spock's presence in my mind. But I needed more. And as before, what I couldn't get from him, I sought elsewhere.

While helping Peter, I met Antonia, a horse trainer who lived a kilometer down the road from my uncle's place. She was in her 40s but looked at least ten years younger. I quickly became attracted to the spirit in her that reminded me of myself at an earlier age.

True to our arrangement, Spock approved of the first time I slept with her.

But because of my loneliness, I found that I wanted more. Her verve pulled me in, making it easy to push aside that constant presence in my mind.

As I became more involved with Antonia, Spock's connection with me began to fade. Oh, the bond didn't disintegrate. He just stopped leaving it open.

I didn't even notice. I thought I was in love with this gorgeous woman at my side. By the time I told her a couple weeks later, I couldn't even detect Spock's presence. When I realized what had happened, I figured that Spock accepted my choice. I tapped on the shield between us a few times to make sure, but he didn't answer me. Not even to say goodbye.

I don't know what the hell possessed me at the time, but I actually believed Spock had found someone else, too. So I stopped trying to reach him. Then I turned back to Antonia.

Antonia was a good woman, She loved me with a rather easy passion. But after about a year with her, I got the itch for space again.

By this time, the Enterprise-B had been built, and its captain was asking me to join the media event that was to be their maiden voyage. Without hesitation, I dug out my old uniform and told Antonia I had somewhere else to be.

She argued. She pleaded. She embarrassed herself to try to get me to stay. She knew if I went up on that ship, I wouldn't be coming back. I'd find a freighter...or a tugboat. Hell, I'd let them promote me to Admiral again if it would mean getting back to the things I loved.

None of her entreaties changed my mind. I needed this, and I would do anything to get it. Anything to get into space again. Anything to feel that fire again. Anything to feel the joy of exploring with my crew...

Yeah, you can see where this is going. It wasn't about space, it was about Spock. It was about the family that was scattered across Earth and a few other planets.

So I contacted some members of that family. Pavel and Scotty were both still in the Fleet and were glad to join me in the new Enterprise's sendoff. Afterwards, Pavel promised a lunch where we could talk about possible options for a rather washed-up captain.

But I wouldn't-couldn't contact Spock, except for a light tap on the shield that had been in the bond since I declared my love for Antonia. When my tap wasn't answered, I sighed and figured that his silence told me everything I needed to know. Because of my stupidity, I was now alone.

My heart felt like it weighed a ton. What had I done?

Pavel could see the stress on my face when I boarded the Enterprise-B and shook hands with Captain Harriman. He believed it was due to the circus of people surrounding us. I let him think that. I didn't want to talk about how low I was feeling.

I couldn't help but feel depressed. I had made the worst mistake of my life: leaving my bondmate. I had done it blindly, without regard to Spock's feelings. All for the love of a woman I couldn't care less about now.

I deserved to stand on that Vulcan sand, as we did so long ago, and face Spock's lirpa once again. This time unarmed.

My pain made me restless. To make matters worse, now I wasn't allowed to sit in that captain's chair two meters in front of me.

And I was the one who caused both situations.

So when Harriman received that distress signal, I was relieved. Relieved to have something to do. To have a reason not to dwell on my fate.

But the ship was not prepared to be two meters from Spacedock. Nothing was installed yet.

The three of us were appalled as we watched that first ship explode. Emergencies like this are the reason you should never take a vessel out in less than fighting condition. But we were here, and the people in the other ships needed help. So, I got Harriman to buck up so he could at least save some of them. Scotty made the Enterprise respond as it should. And Pavel, well, he made Bones proud.

Then we became caught in whatever had destroyed the first ship.

While Scotty planned our way out, I raced down to deck 15 to the deflector relays. I wasn't about to let these kids die on their first walk around the block.

I got the relays working as fast as I could. The tremor in Scotty's voice when I slammed the panel door shut told me I had done it with only seconds to spare.

I breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to get up...and the wall behind me was ripped off the ship.

The next thing I knew, the shield in the bond was shattered and I heard a shout from the other side.

T'HY'LA!

I don't remember anything else until I woke up inside you, ribbon of light. You made me forget most of my past. You gave me back the last happiness I had and blocked out the pain. Until Captain Picard of the Enterprise-D showed up and offered me something I couldn't refuse.

The chance to save the galaxy once again.

So I went to that planet with Picard. Veridian II. I seemed to recall it being on the Fleet's forbidden list because of a developing society on a planet nearby.

You didn't even hesitate to let us go. Picard must have wanted to save his crew as much as I wanted something productive to do. Hey, 78 years is a long time to spend doing nothing. In the past, Spock would have distracted me if I ever had to sit still for more than 30 minutes.

But now I was raring to go. I fought the mad scientist Picard was up against with an excitement I didn't expect. It was invigorating.

I could see you above us, wanting to claim us again. But I wouldn't let you. I wouldn't let Soren destroy all those innocent people just to be inside you.

I had been given a chance to embrace love. Let me tell you, Nexus, your ribbon of light and artificial joy pale in comparison.

I wouldn't let those people suffer in falsehood when they could have the reality of each other. So I helped Picard. I fought Soren. I kept the madman away from Picard as he juryrigged that weapon to self-destruct.

Then I fell. I miscalculated, and the scaffolding around the missile broke away, taking me with it.

So here I lie, staring up at you, Nexus, my companion for more than half my years of existence. The half I don't remember. It's just as well. It makes the important memories easier to find.

But now I can feel where the scaffolding is crushing my chest. I'm having trouble breathing. I know it won't be long before it's all over. I will finally be facing that which I've avoided for so long.

Death.

Oh. Oh, no. Not now...

The bond just opened. The shield is gone!

Spock lives still...and will feel me die.

Oh, Spock. Spock, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I won't have the time to make it up to you.

Oh, fading fast... Breathe, for him. Can't let him think he is to blame...You can do this.

Live long and prosper, my love.

Thank you.

Spock.

T'hy'la.

end part 9 and story