Note : Like in any of my Death note fics, it's totally AU, because I can't admit they died. So as usual, L is alive, Light is alive, Watari is alive, Rem is alive (or well, whatever a shinigami is when he's not turned to dust) L and Light are together and Kira is not the bad Kira anymore, and Matt and Mello grew up normally at Wammy's until they left to live their life as adults, but not very far one from the other. They still work for L and there's no competition anymore with Near. But Mello is still a total badass and Matt still... Matt ^^
Matt
It's been one of these days, when you are already over frustrated and everything tends to remind you the object of your frustration.
It's been years, since the first day, I think, that I wanted him. Yeah, we were only kids, too young for sexual stuff and all, but I have wanted him as soon as I saw him. He was all I wasn't. Beautiful long blond hair, his features were soft, almost girly, his body thin but already muscular (and it got worse with years, his body, oh... his sexy body...), a sharp look in his steel colored eyes, and a mind so strong it could break through everything.
I immediately wanted to be his friend. But I quickly realised I was in love with him, when I got jealous of anyone talking to him, looking at him or whatever.
I don't exactly know why, but he became my friend. My best friend, I was his only friend and always wondered why among all people at Wammy's he'd pick me, the geek that never talked to anyone, that was shy and introverted. I'd thought he would pick one of these other guys that were always pulling some shit and fighting, it was more like him.
But he just came to me and said we would be friends, and I said ok. That was it. And since then, we never got separated.
And here I was, stuck in my red Camaro in traffic jam, with nothing else to do than smoke and let my thoughts wander. I tried the radio but they kept on making a fool of me with their stupid songs (yes, I'm pretty sure they did this intentionally) like I want your sex by George Michael or You can leave your hat on by Joe Cocker (a conspiracy, I tell you). My thoughts wandered to the same thing as they did everyday, every night, for years. But while growing up, they became each time dirtier. God forgive me, but he shouldn't have put such a sexy thing as Mello on earth if he didn't want me to drool at his sight. Or was it the ultimate temptation I had to resist to if I wanted to go to heaven ? I'm not a believer, so I chose not to care and keep on drooling.
And in my thoughts, that was my hands which wandered. My daydreaming always started soft, tender, because after all, I love him, it's not just sexual. And even if I already saw him naked (hey, when you share a dorm room with another guy, and the same bathroom, there are times you get to see the whole stuff), I think my hands won't be in peace as long as they don't know if his skin feels as soft as it looks like. I never could watch him as much as I want for the many times I saw him naked, and it would have been too obvious if I looked there, but I once had a nice view on his butt and oh god. He would make any chick jealous, even the most perfectly shaped ones. It's just indecent how his butt and hips are a bit larger than his waist and makes said hips sway when he walks, like a model on stilettos.
I wanted my hands on those hips so much, I got crazy the day he came back from the leather store with his first leather pants and tried them on in front of me. When he stood in front of me (I was sat on the couch playing Zelda) with his fists on his hips, the leather glued to his forms, the laced front reaching just high enough to cover his pubic hairs, I think I lost half of my brain cells, I could hear them pop and explode in my head. I almost lost it when he asked me how he looked like. I could only reply a very smart "hummfffff huh cool" before lighting a cigarette and pretending making coffee in the kitchen.
Actually, I had to hide the nosebleed he just gave me. And something else situated south of my nose.
And from that day, things got worse for me, because every single day I had his leather clad self in sight (and I cursed myself from moving downtown with him when we left Wammy's, because that was pure torture). It took me several nights of self pleasure (excuse the details but well...) to calm down a bit, but really a bit. I think I had a permanent hard on for two or three days (and it hurts, believe me).
Many times I thought I would jump him, rape him, do anything that could help me release the pressure. But first, he was stronger than me, second, he would beat the shit out of me, and third, Mello being Mello, if he had wanted anything of this nature from me, he would already have taken it (me ?) so I knew for sure I didn't have a chance.
Like in a good romantic movie, I could say without a doubt my love was hopeless.
I woke up from my reverie when I heard horns. The traffic was fluid again and I could move. It's only when I stiffened in my seat (I had slipped in a more comfortable position) that I felt I was tight in my jeans. Fuck.
Mello
I heard the key turn and the door open. My heart skipped a beat. Matt. Why do you have to be Matt ? Your frail body, your hair making a fire halo around your pale face, your goggles covering your big eyes, that cigarette between your lips, and the way you walk clumsily and look at me like a deer caught in headlights. You look like my prey, and god knows I'd like to catch you, but this is not an option. The only option would be for you to tame me, or at least, realise you already tamed me and I'm only waiting to eat in your hand (or eat anything from you...). Because Matt, I love you. But I love you too much to make the first move. Because Matt, you'd do anything for me, I know that, and I don't want to think that you let me do what I want with you, your body, just because you can't say no to me.
It hurts me, because you'll probably never make a move, you're straight I guess, I've done so much to tempt you and you never reacted, like when I showed off in leather that day, you just ran away, I guess you're uncomfortable with the thought. Even younger, I walked naked in front of you countless times, but you always looked away. You know, I'm not gay Matt, I'm just in love with the person that you are, whatever gender you are.
Oh, it was not easy, when I noticed I loved you (and that's why I beat the shit out of that guy at Wammy's when we were 15, he had the guts to call me a fag because we were always hanging together), because Mello is strong, Mello is a real man, Mello isn't gay... I think I was in denial a long time, but now that we live together (how I wish that meant more than sharing a flat) it's a bit easier to admit I love you although you're a guy.
So here you stand, with that red package under your arm, looking at me like if you were surprised to see me. Oh come on Matt, don't tell me you got a present for a girlfriend for Valentine's day ? Don't tell me you have a girlfriend, I don't want to hear that. But I can't help myself and I ask you...
"Hey Matt, got a date for Valentine's day ?"
"No, what a stupid idea" he replied, looking at me like if I had said the dirtiest swear in the world.
"So, what's that package ? It looks like a Valentine's present, all wrapped in red, and it's Valentine's today anyway"
"Yeah, huh, it's nothing" he tried to runaway to his room.
"Come on Matt, tell me, what is it ?" I insisted, no way he would get away with the it's nothing stuff.
"Ok, just some new games, they didn't have plastic bags so they wrapped them so I could carry them easily" he lied.
But I gave up. If he said he didn't have a date tonight, then I would see if he left or not. And maybe I could sneak in his room later to see what's in the package. Yes, I do that kind of things.
Oh, I see you coming, yes, I could have a date myself, guy or girl, I could get anyone I wanted, that's not the point. I just didn't want anyone. Except him. OK YES I ADMIT IT ! Mello is a virgin at 21. Call me sentimental or whatever, but I could never do anything with anyone. How could you kiss someone who's not the one you crave for ? I have pride, even in that domain. Mello doesn't go out or fuck just for fun or emptying his balls. Mello has self control (and yes, Mello likes to talk at the third person, bear with it).
Matt
Shit, I thought he wouldn't be there already, so I could just hide the package in my room and forget it.
But he was there, sprawled on his stomach on the couch, reading, his ass defying me, perfectly moulded in that goddamn leather. I think I twitched. And I think he saw that I froze where I was. Shit.
He really thinks I would have a date ? Me ? First I would be too shy to ask anyone out, second, we tell each other everything, I mean, not the attraction I have for him, but everything else, so I would have told him already such an important thing, he's my best friend after all. Wait. Does that mean he imagines I could have a date and not tell him, and then, that he could have one without telling me ? Does he have one ?
Tears stung my eyes all of a sudden, while my heart wrung painfully. I never thought about that eventuality, stupid me. Of course he won't be single all his life, what did I believe ? That we would live together as friends forever without anyone else ? Yes, I believed that, very hard. What a dickhead I am.
I stuck the package in the bottom of my dresser, on top of several other boxes, and after breathing deeply to calm the sting in my eyes, I go back in the living room.
Mello was sat in front of the tv, laughing his ass off in front of a serie I don't know, eating marshmallows. Wait. Marshmallows ? Mello ?
"Out of chocolate Mello ?"
"Hm ? Ah, the marshmallows ? No, they're chocolate marshmallows actually" he replied, stuffing his mouth while focusing back on the tv.
"I thought you only liked chocolate bars"
"They didn't have any, and I didn't feel like walking to the next store, I didn't have my bike so I got that instead, it'll be ok until tomorrow" he said. "And I wanted marshmallows anyway" he added.
"Ah ? That's not like you to have a sudden change about sweets" I was quite intrigued. Mello only lived for milk chocolate, one brand, nothing else.
"It's just because... hm forget it"
I was really intrigued now, really really.
"What ?" he spat at me, mouth full, as he saw I was staring at him puzzled.
"Because what ?" I insisted.
"Because I'm frustrated, ok ?" he glared at me with a look I couldn't define.
"I don't get it" I said sheepishly.
"Matt you jerk, I'm eating marshmallows and you act like I murdered someone !"
"It's just not like you, that all" I muttered. I could feel he was uncomfortable, and it was even less Mello. There was something going on. "Why didn't you ask me to get you chocolate on my way home ?" I asked. Usually he would call me, when he was out of chocolate.
"I wanted marshmallows, marsh-ma-llows." he told me like talking to a 4 years old kid.
I rolled my eyes and sat at my desk, starting my laptop. I couldn't use the tv to play some games so I would play online instead.
Mello
Why is he bugging me for fucking marshmallows ? What's wrong with him ? Ok, it's not usual for me to eat that shit, but I really felt like eating them. I couldn't tell him why, could I ? No, certainly not... Or maybe ?
My mind suddenly elaborated a plan, or at least the first steps of a plan. It's Valentine's day, and I could use that excuse to make some oriented jokes without it being too awkward, right ? I could blame the date if he took it bad, and say I was just joking. If I couldn't confess anything to him, at least I could push the situation in the way I wanted it ? No, bad idea, he doesn't feel anything of this nature for me, and that would be just cruel to push him that way, he would feel uncomfortable and I would ruin the evening. I prefer by far having a nice evening with my best friend than finish it each of us in our room being uneasy. Forget that Mello.
I sighed. He looked at me. Did I sigh that loud ? Yes, holy shit. Oh, his look at that precise moment... I think I saw sadness. Just when I realised I probably looked sad too because I was telling myself I couldn't have him.
Awkward.
He got back to his screen, I turned the tv off and headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Matt was not my Valentine but I could prepare something special anyway. Not too special, it would be suspicious.
"Matt, what do you want to eat tonight ?" I asked from the kitchen. I swear I saw him blush as he turned his head my direction. No, can't be...
"Huh, dunno, whatever you want Mello" he replied, staring back at his screen in a much too intense manner. He was obviously nervous.
What was going on ? Shit. Could it be he planned to go out (date ?) and he didn't dare telling me ?
"You're eating here tonight, right ?" I asked to be sure.
"Of course you dumbass, where else would I eat ?" he sighed.
What was that growing tension tonight ? Well, ok, I don't care, he doesn't have a date, that's the most important. Because otherwise I would have someone to kill tonight for Matt to stay with me. That's probably why I didn't reply to the fact he called me dumbass, because in another situation I would have smacked him.
I decided I would prepare katsudon, Matt loves japanese food and I had everything required in the fridge, I was well inspired to go to the grocery yesterday. Once everything was ready and I just had to wait for the rice to cook, I decided I would make dessert. I quickly mixed eggs, flour, sugar, butter and a little of that brandy liquor Matt sometimes put in his evening coffee, and once the dough was ready, I gave it a heart shape and put it on an oven plaque. I added canned cherries I found in the cabinet on top of it and it went straight into the hot oven. I was quite proud of my pie.
The rice was ready and my pie cooling on the kitchen counter so I served two katsudon bowls, and headed to the living room.
"Matt, it's ready"
"Ok, let me save my game" he replied, exiting his game.
Matt
"Matt, what do you want to eat tonight" he asks me. Holy fucking shit. I think I went bright red.
Your cock ? Your tits ? Your lips ? And don't scratch anything, all answers are correct.
He looked at me amused, I'm perfectly sure he noticed the color of my face. But then he got that sad look again. Fuck, he must start to understand, and he's not happy with it. I really have to control myself, or I'll piss him off, or worse, he will leave because he doesn't want to deal with my gayness.
I focused back on my screen, trying to regain my composure. I could hear him in the kitchen, and suddenly it smelled like cherries. Wow, Mello making dessert ? He's really weird tonight. Oh, is he trying to make things better because he has a bad news to tell me ? I'm paranoid. Actually, Mello cooking was not that unusual, it started when we decided to move from Wammy's and I joked about the fact we wouldn't eat as well as at Wammy's anymore once we would be alone, and he took it as a challenge. I never thought he would challenge himself in that domain, but he did, as seriously as any other domain. And he's a good cook, let me tell you he even made me gain some weight (yeah, ok, at first he was bad as hell but he forced me to eat and you never say no to Mello...).
He calls me for dinner. Katsudon. Wow (second time). My favorite food.
I really smell the bad news now.
"Had a nice day ?" he asks me.
I know he's only trying to start the conversation, the silence while we're eating is so thick I could cut it with my chopsticks.
"Yeah, the usual stuff" I reply, trying not to look at him. I really don't know what is happening but we're unusually uneasy. I have to talk, if we don't have a normal conversation right now, this silence will be the end of me.
"Want some more ?" he points at my empty bowl with his chopsticks.
"No thanks, I'm full. That was tasty" I add because I know he spent time cooking, and it's the truth, his katsudon was delicious.
"No place for dessert ?" he kinda pouts.
"I always have place for dessert" I cheer him, I guess he would be really pissed off if I didn't eat the dessert he prepared.
He goes back to the kitchen, picking up my bowl and his. I can't help it, I watch his lower half disappear in the kitchen. He caught me. FUCK ! I'm doomed. He's going to light my hair on fire and throw me by the window. Huh ? He smiles at me. Genuinely. He has a severe disease and will die soon, that's why he's not normal tonight, and won't kill me. Yes, I am sure.
Mello
I can feel his eyes on me. Why does he stare at me ? I glance above my shoulder as I make it to the kitchen, and I think my heart stopped for a while. I didn't expect that. Not at all. Matt was looking at my ass. No, give up hope Mello. He must just be disgusted by my obvious show off. Maybe he's just disgusted by the sight of me in leather. It's true that after all these years shaking my ass under his nose, in my tight pants, he never showed any interest, so why now after all ? I can't help but smile, just in case...
Once in the kitchen, I realised how sissy my pie looks. Matt is going to laugh at me for sure. First I make a pie, which is already far away from Mello, but it's heart shaped. Mello, where are you ? Why did Barbie replace you there in the kitchen ? I feel awfully ashamed right now, but well, I can't go back now, I have to bring it in the living room.
If he makes fun of me, I could always punch him. Yes, Mello would do that. No, I don't have personality disorders, thanks.
I come back in the living room with dessert plates and forks, and then with the pie.
Matt's eyes were priceless when I put the pie on the low table. He looked at the pie, then me, then the pie, and me again, and he stared at me all confused and his face color matched his hair all of a sudden. If he makes an unpleasant comment, I'll kick his head until all his teeth are on the ground.
Matt
The pie. Heart shaped pie. Now I'm really feeling bad. What's all this about ?
He's waiting for me to talk, it's obvious. What do I say ? Brain, find something that won't get me killed in the next seconds, please.
"Woa, nice pie" I mutter. Great, really great, brain. Can't do better ? "Heart shaped ?" I add.
"Yeah, I thought it would be funny" he replies blankly.
Funny, ok. No reason to act like a girl at her first date, right ?
He serves two pieces and the silence is just unbearable.
Finally he disappears in the kitchen again. I follow to wash the dishes. He made dinner so it's my job. He puts the plates and forks in the sink and turns back, and we collide. He didn't notice me walking behind, obviously.
He loses his balance so I catch him before he falls, hands on his upper arms. Oh god, just as I thought. His skin is so soft... I think I stroke his skin a bit too long when my hands fell down from his arms, as he regained his balance. But I saw him shiver.
"You should put a sweater on, you seem cold" I state.
"I'm not cold" he replies, leaving the kitchen too quickly to be natural.
Note : virtual marshmallows to everyone reviewing ! Next update soon !
Don't hesitate to check my other Matt X Mello ongoing fic (link in my stories on my profile page !) named Et Cetera