Chapter 3: Underneath

Jeremy's POV

As hard they try to conceal it, humans are animals. They're base and driven by their instincts. But even those like us have managed to hide our true nature. We repress ourselves and hold ourselves to society's standards. At least that's what we like ourselves to believe.

Nobody's perfect. We have all in some way sinned. Even the highest of religious figures have sinned, mostly through hateful propaganda, and they try to justify it by hiding behind religion. It's part of why I've given up on believing in anything. Sometimes I think of just giving up on faking everything. Although where would that leave me?

I was never one to hide anything, but now I have to in order to survive - at least from the rest of the world that is. But when it's just you and me, I don't have to hide myself. I know that now, after how much I tried to close myself off from you. You accept me inspite of how fucked up I am or how many times I open up old wounds in order to guage your reaction. I guess I'm testing you to see just how far you'll go for me. I don't know why, though, because I know I should be grateful that you're still here with me and I don't have to test that.

I've never told you how much you mean to me, though. I hate to appear vulnerable, so I keep everything inside and put on this act of being tough. I've kept people at bay that way, and for a few years I was okay with that. Because at least if someone didn't get close to me they wouldn't see that I was really just some terrified little kid, and if they weren't close it wouldn't be so easy to hurt me. You've seen me that way, though, so why should I be worried about letting you know what I really think of you?

Maybe because you won't like what you see. Even I don't like it sometimes. I spent four years numb with pain, so it was shocking when one night, out on the boat, dumping a body, I just looked at you... and my heart started pounding like a jack hammer. I only realized it when you looked at me that I was staring at you. I looked away and avoided eye contact with you the rest of the night.

I couldn't make sense of it. I tried to ignore it, tell myself that it was nothing. However, soon I couldn't deny that there was something there. You're under my skin, you're in my head, you're in my heart. A heart I used to think disappeared. But now I know the truth.

I can't let you know, though. I can't take that risk.

But then one night I let it slip. I tell you this. I expected anything but a hug. You tell me that you'll always be there for me, and that I'll never be alone again. I look up at you, ready to accuse you of being a liar and say that I hate you. But all words die on my lips, and I'm just left staring up at you, trying to fight that something inside of me that's saying, "he's telling the truth," and it's stronger than what's telling me, "he doesn't care about you at all."

I close my eyes and let myself relax in your arms. As much as I hate to admit it, even if only to myself, I feel safe with you. You, the same person that could so easily kill me, has actually tried to kill me. I never want to lose you. I think... the real me that's underneath all this is starting to slip through, and strangely I'm okay with that.