A view from above
[Looking down at everything else]
-
DouWata . Suicide . xxxHolic . Rightfully disclaimed.
-
It was rare for him to take any other route other than the usual crossing of two or three streets more from the shop; in actuality, he had done it out of whim, turning left before the first intersection, thus taking a quicker yet abandoned walk home.
The district he was presently walking through was notorious for having plenty of dark pasts; unexplained murders and numerous suicide attempts; business that flourished through blackmail and fell at the same thing; children who caused arson and rapes. It was a place, as he expected, to be teeming with restless spirits.
It was then completely fair to state his decision as 'suicidal', and at the same moment he passed the third forlorn building in the street, and catching sight of a few black and white children peeping at him from an empty house, something fell before him- something eerily human.
There was a sick, cracking sound, and a dark liquid sprayed over his nearby figure, coloring his school uniform a warm red, just as it had colored the pavement before him. His eyes widened as he trailed his gaze from an almost elegant positioning of pale, white legs- following steadily to recognize other limbs, and the head. It was lolled to the side, face hardly distinguishable, hair splayed marvelously around the body. It was a woman, judging from the small build and faint traces of breasts underneath the yellow fabric of the dead girl's dress- and he stepped back slowly, closing his eyes, the image burning into his brain.
The woman reminded him eerily of a pressed flower between pages of an old book.
-
Watanuki Kimihiro then hovered between the uncertainty of putting another foot forward and staying where he was, teetering on the edge of the dark roof he was currently standing on.
-
"Oi. What happened to you?"
Watanuki raised his gaze from the tea cup in his hands. He was dressed in a light blue yukata with a thin cotton sash, and his limbs were still quite damp from the shower he had taken. Even his hair was messier than usual, fully covering his forehead with ebony locks that sometimes shone with the rivulets of water tracing the fine strands. Watanuki had not realized at all, but for some time he had been shivering.
He raised the cup partially and placed it on the table before him, adjusting his legs beneath, and refused Doumeki an answer. He wasn't really sure what had happened to him.
"Idiot. Did you hear me?"
"I did," replied Watanuki tiredly, not even bothering to bristle up in anger at the insult directed at him.
"What happened?" Doumeki pressed.
The bespectacled teen heaved a sigh, carefully choosing between words he needed to use. He was still a bit in a shock after the suicide that had transpired before him earlier that afternoon, and he wasn't keen on replaying the events in his mind to properly explain to someone as thick-skulled as Doumeki.
Instead, he decided to ask a question that had been circling his mind for some time now. "Jumping or falling. Which would seem more like an accident?"
It was vague, but Doumeki quickly got on.
"You mean suicide? Then falling. Because when you say a person jumped, then wouldn't the deed seem to be done out of a person's own free will?"
"That's what I thought." Watanuki said, raising his gaze to meet his companion's golden gaze. "But it's not so different, now that I think about it. What if the person was trying to achieve something, but failed and fell in the end? Then her intentions weren't really suicidal, and you can call that an accident too."
Doumeki's brows furrowed and he crossed his arm over his wide chest- all the while frowning at the spirit seer. "What would she possibly want to achieve?"
"She wanted to..." it seemed incredibly stupid, but probable."She wanted to fly."
Doumeki gave him an almost pitying look. "Idiot."
"I'm only looking at the whole thing with the two equal sides in mind." Retorted Watanuki.
"Still, it was a childish way of putting it." There was an almost smirk in Doumeki's monotoned voice. "Suicide by jumping. Does it really count as an accident, Watanuki?"
Watanuki frowned and glared at the tea before him, his fingers restlessly playing with the soft fabric of his garments. The question seemed to be more of an in-your-face-one-answer question, and by answering it truthfully, it would mean admitting defeat. The smaller teen racked his brains for a decent answer.
"Well, other than flying, the person could've been planning to reach something." He said stubbornly. "And anyway, I'm still at a shock at what had happened. These suicides have been happening a lot lately, but you never really can imagine one happening in front of you, you know."
Doumeki gave a short, meaningless grunt. The spirit seer suppressed the urge to hit his companion on the head, resorting to just glaring harmlessly at him, but glaring either way. The older man returned his gaze with a slightly bored one of his own. "I want some tamago kake gohan. And tsukemono."
"WHY YOU-"
"We have ice cream. Haagen-Dazs or something. We can eat it with the tamago kake gohan and tsukemono." Doumeki then stood and gestured at Watanuki to follow him into the kitchen.
"YOU REALLY HAVE A LOT OF NERVE, DON'T YOU?"
-
There was then a newly made meal of egg mixed with rice and Japanese pickles laid plainly and decoratively before Doumeki, a carton of Haagen-Dazs ice cream at his right.
Selfish glutton, Watanuki thought angrily, right before his musings took toll once more.
Suicide...Watanuki had never gone so far as to even consider thinking of harming himself, for one. Perhaps that was why suicide seemed so foreign to him, other than taboo. He thought of the victim he had seen only earlier this afternoon and thought of what she might be going through...a lost love, maybe? Unrequited love? Or perhaps family problems? Come to think of it, wouldn't there have been a suicide note? People don't just jump off of buildings without leaving any explanations, right?
"She didn't leave anything," he voiced out.
"Hn?"
"A suicide note. A letter. Nothing."
"Well," Doumeki replied, helping himself to another spoonful; "She must've left it from where she jumped, or in her house, maybe."
The long, feminine fingers of the smaller teen started drumming impatiently on the table between them.
"And it's not really your business. Suicide is a very personal thing." Added the archer.
You're right. Suicide is personal. So why was there something incredibly...not normal... to what the girl just did? "I'm going to check it out," Watanuki announced.
He always had that annoying tendency to just barge into some stranger's life, and offer help as if he was an old friend.
Not that it bothered Doumeki much, but...
It always had Watanuki getting into deadly consequences in the end.
And that bothered the archer a lot.
"I'm coming with you." Doumeki said, after a while. He had only finished his food and was now getting started on the carton of ice cream with another spoon. There was a tone of finality in his voice that even Watanuki was afraid to disregard.
Watanuki didn't reply and just stared at the pink contents of the carton, watching as a white fog of chill rose from it.
-
"Oh?" said a voice from the other side of the phone, not in the usual childish tone, but in one more peculiar...as if the speaker knew what exactly was going on.
"I'm sorry, Yuuko-san. You will have to order out or something, without me."
He was about to drop the line when his employer spoke again. He quickly brought the receiver to his ear. "...find out what the girl wanted. She probably didn't plan to fall in front of you, but there is meaning in that occurrence."
"Hitsuzen," said Watanuki, nodding at his end of the line. "I figured as much. I'm going to see what was wrong. She isn't the first one, after all."
There were a lot of suicidal reports in the evening news lately.
"Good. Take care now, and bring Doumeki with you. It's not healthy for a bait like you to wander unarmed in a district as dangerous as Fujo." And with that, Yuuko's line went dead.
-
There was a great many thing to be counted as a flaw about Watanuki Kimihiro, be it positive or not.
He did not, however, show any signs of great discontent with how he was currently living as. Other than verbally abusing Doumeki Shizuka, he didn't have any complains in his life.
But now, as everything was laid bare before him-once more- in a tantalizing image of skyscrapers and houses seen from high above, he could see each and every one discomfort that he once had, and currently had, and will have in the future. The altitude of things and the vastness of everything that had once been so comfortable caused him a migraine, and an unwavering step forward.
He stands on the old wood of the temple's roof top, lightly surveying the area, all the while willing away the impulse to jump down.
He knows Doumeki Shizuka is behind him, but he is too far away now.
He takes another step forward.
-
And so,
-
The Fujo district was, as Watanuki could remember perfectly, a terrible, abandoned place. There was no sign of life within any of the buildings, and there were numerous whispers being carried over the wind, that could not have belonged to any of the living tenants (if there were any) within the neighborhood. Occasionally there was a series of coughs or two, a shy creaking of wood, an unheard giggle; Watanuki hugged himself, shivering slightly.
"Are you alright?" Ah, Doumeki- he was there, after all. "Oi. Is there something bothering you? A spirit?"
"No," replied Watanuki, biting his lips, and he cringed slightly at the sharp, metallic smell in the air. "Blood."
Simultaneously, the two teenagers dropped their gazes and examined the drying blood on the asphalt, and the lingering remains of the girl who had committed suicide only earlier that afternoon. Doumeki stared indifferently while his companion flinched silently by his side. "Nobody's cleaned it up yet." said the archer.
"Nobody else knows about this." Watanuki said hurriedly, looking this way and that. "There's the door. Let's go in."
The setting sun bathed the dark room with an orange, almost ethereal glow, illuminating each and every nook and cranny with a threatening shade of red. The inside of the building was as neglected as the outer appearance; there were miniature cobwebs here and there, and the cement walls had stains that was too suspicious to be dismissed as anything other than morbid; the wooden boards of the stairs creaked and moaned at each step the two teenagers took, upwards.
The roof top was four floors from the ground, and from that point of height it was enough to see all the neighborhoods leading into the city.
Watanuki gasped in marvel, half-running to the edge of the building, and as he did a mysterious tugging issued from his heart.
Jump. To escape. It's all easy, just take a step. Spread your arms and- fly! Fly away to the golden sun. Escape.
It was almost choking him.
He was frozen to where he was, ears straining to hear more of the voice, elegant and alluring and wonderful.
Into the sky.
-
"Suicide. It's an easy way out, as most people would likely tell you."
Watanuki turned his attention from the insistent stain on the floor to the serious face of his employer. "Yuuko-san?"
"It's most likely an accident," Continued Yuuko, puffing a long drag from her pipe, long eyelashes slightly touching the silver highlights on her cheeks. "When you jump. It's different from falling, but in some way, it is not."
Watanuki tipped his head to the side, obviously confused. "What do you mean?"
Instead of answering, however, Yuuko inquired him; "What image comes into mind when you're looking down at everything from up high?"
The bespectacled teen lowered his gaze and stared blankly at his white hands. "Something like, a vision of another world. Well, it seems different from what I'm used to. It makes me want to do something like-"
"-like jumping down, correct?" Yuuko nodded grimly as she continued the sentence of her young charge. "Indeed, the unrealism of what you see before you alienates you from the world you know. It brings forth multiple things, sometimes an elating sensation, sometimes a stinging sense of loss."
There was a noticeable emphasis on the last word, and Watanuki raised his gaze.
"By 'loss' I might mean those times when you think you have everything, but then seeing everything from way up would only make you feel that you've never had anything in the first place. However different these two feelings are, only one thing can come from them.
And that's the impulse of jumping off, whether in hopes of flying away or falling to end it all."
"Yuuko-san..."
"Of course, it could be something other than that. Intention, for example. But as you said, there was no suicide note left behind, correct? And if we recall all those suicide reports on TV, neither one of them seemed likely of depression. So it was only impulse that lead them to jump to their deaths."
"Then they wanted to fly?" asked Watanuki.
"Perhaps, but not all. Keep in mind, Watanuki, there are two sensations that could overpower a person."
"But then," But then it's not always like that! "There's fear, too, right? I mean, most people fear dying, and there are people afraid of heights, so how can this 'impulse' take over them?"
"Ah. I didn't say that every person faced with immeasurable height would succumb to their impulses, of course. When a person is perfectly balanced, the urge might not even make itself known, weighed down by, perhaps, fear- and a sense of duty, a sense of love, of devotion, of content. Now here's a good thing to ponder on; why would a person give in if everything is going well in their lives?"
There was almost a hint in Yuuko's voice, bringing forth the realization of the problem of the whole thing.
"If there's somebody calling out to them," Watanuki whispers, almost to himself, and Yuuko smiles.
-
"Idiot! What are you doing?"
Watanuki looked down at his feet and realized that he was standing on the edge of the roof, the slight movement causing the wind to blow most of his hair strands down his face. The sky was slowly being painted a soft yet blinding red violet, and the sun was fading, fading...into darkness.
He felt strong hands grasp his sides slowly, pulling him towards safety.
"You're an idiot, you are. Attempting to jump like that." Watanuki realized that Doumeki's voice was shaking. "Don't you ever try that again."
Watanuki looked up at the sky before him, eyes shining cobalt and gold, threatening to blur.
Jump into the sky. After the sun. Into escape.
Fall into the sky.
Fall.
Fall.
Fall!
"WATANUKI!"
-
"Of course, 'somebody calling out to them' may not always take form in an image of a spirit." the pipe in Yuuko's hand continued to emit unclear, violet fumes from its thin brim. "Sometimes it comes from deep inside you. A hidden desperation to be free, for example. It never means that there literally is a ghost causing all these suicides."
"Then Yuuko-san, those victims weren't really happy deep inside?" Inquired a more confused Watanuki.
"Perhaps they were, perhaps not. As I had said so many times before, my dear Watanuki, humans have the freedom- and the tendency- to wish upon themselves happiness, as well as unhappiness. Perhaps they felt too content with their lives that deep inside, a dark part of their mind longed for some danger, something tragic. Therefore, the lure cast upon them by their human impulses was then multiplied tenfold."
Watanuki thought about the girl he had seen, her white limbs spread in a boneless manner, head twisted into a sort of fetal position, face smashed beyond recognition. He thought of how she seemed like a pressed lily in an old book, with her dark hair splayed out elegantly like that. He thought of how happily she still could have lived if she chose not to jump- and how unhappy she would be if her life continued to be perfect. It confused him further more.
The young teenager was surprised as familiar cold fingertips traced the side of his face, and he looked up to see Yuuko's grim face, a foreboding glint in her crimson eyes.
"It is imperative that you understand all this, Watanuki." She said quietly, only enough for the two of them to hear. "Awareness of a possible danger may protect you from it."
"I..." Watanuki trembled slightly at the dead-serious look on his employer's face. "I understand."
And that was the end of that.
-
Everything came as a blur the first time he tried opening his eyes.
It was dark. The whole place was being illuminated solely by a single lamp, the designs imprinted on it still a bit too hazy for him to recognize it immediately. After some adjusting, though, and a few blinks- two or three or more- he saw the familiar butterfly shapes on the lamp, and the violet colors it was faintly projecting, and the bed and...everything else.
Seeing properly now, he dared to look at the figure hunched over his lying form, and his lithe hands tingled at the brush of short, bristled hair; not trusting his voice fully, he could only mouth the boy's name with thin lips. "Doumeki?"
"He is tired, Watanuki. It has been a day since you jumped." Came a voice Watanuki knew- and dreaded to hear- so well.
"Yuuko-san." He whispered.
Silent reigned for a short moment, before the bespectacled boy spoke again. "I'm sorry I...I shouldn't have..."
"It was inevitable for it to happen," reasoned Yuuko for him, her eyes shining in the darkness. "So Mokona and I was below you when you fell."
Watanuki smiled faintly. "Thank you." He said. There was an itchy, warm sensation filling his eyes, and he could swear they were starting to water.
Yuuko nodded, returning the smile, then gesturing at the older teen rousing from his slumber at Watanuki's side. "Speak to him," she advised, before disappearing into the darkness.
The smaller boy clasped his mouth with one hand as the sobs came. He didn't know why he was crying, and he didn't like it, but there was an incredible wave of angst passing through him, like a strong wind past leaves; the sensation left him gasping as tears continued to fall, and his heart ached.
What...?
Then there came a hand, at first only holding one side of his face, and slowly came the other. Strong arms pulled him to an embrace too warm to pull away from, and he allowed himself to cry for just a little longer.
Then he understood.
"I'm tired. Terribly tired." he whispered into the now damp fabric of Doumeki's shirt, and slowly the archer's large, comforting hands were combing through his hair, down his back. "Sometimes. I don't really think of it, but. Sometimes I just want to run away."
"From what?" Doumeki couldn't help asking.
"I don't know. But I feel so tired of everything. I'm sorry." Watanuki raised his head from his cradle, meeting Doumeki's gaze. "Everything is just too tiring, sometimes."
The work? The chores? The bouts of loneliness, maybe?
At this, a rare peek of emotion came across the archer's face, one of confusion and slight annoyance. "Are you unhappy with what you have now?"
"I didn't say I was unhappy," sniffed Watanuki. He lightly pushed away from the archer and dried his eyes. His voice was slightly hoarse, but it was obvious that the usual dose of emotion was lacking. "You wouldn't get it. I don't get it either, I think."
Doumeki heaved a sigh, and chose not to say anything; instead he placed a comforting hand on his friend's head, and a small smile escaped his lips in the most amount of earnestness in his voice. "Don't worry." He said, and Watanuki's eyes widened, and the dull ache in his heart hurt no more. "I'm here."
-
Things went by then, as usual.
Once he got patched up properly, Yuuko was kind enough to let him off for a day, but the following day after that he was back to full-time work in the Dimensional witch's shop. Not that he did mind, though- there were so many things going on in his mind that he thought it would be healthy for him to immerse himself in his thoughts while going on with his chores as usual.
And it did him good too, but doing so had lessened his time for going outdoors, which quite troubled all those who wanted to be with him (and really, there were people like that. Like the ever pretty Kohane-chan, his beloved Himawari-chan, and Doumeki of course).
Because although Yuuko had dismissed the whole thing as 'all in the past', it really wasn't 'all in the past'. He had said nothing that time, when Doumeki had so kindly let him hug him- and it was awkward too, and he should've said something, dammit.
I'm here.
Did he say that just to clear things up, or was it really true?
Are you unhappy with what you have now?
Why did it sound so accusing?
-
And so,
-
"Are you going to apologize?" Says a smiling Yuuko, looking up at him from her third bottle of sake. Watanuki huffs, angrily.
It is a Sunday, a good three days after the Fujo district incident. One would think he had put everything behind him- but really, how could he? There were so many things to do, so many things still left to understand...and he did not want to commit another mistake like that, jumping to a death he had never wanted in the first place.
"I'm going to apologize because he hasn't had any of my cooking for some time, and only because he might be suffering extreme hunger problems right now since he doesn't know any better!"! Was that really a good reason?
Yuuko bids him off, nevertheless. "Take care then, Watanuki! You can do it!" she says.
Can do what?
Sometimes, he thinks, Yuuko's screwed up.
But then maybe she was right.
He arrives a little later on, before the humble presence of the Doumeki Temple, and hesitates as he takes one step after the other towards the front door.
There seemed to be nobody present at that moment, and he impatiently swings his arm- the one holding a newly made bento- and declares, "If Doumeki Shizuka isn't here, what a shame then! And to think it was worth it for Watanuki-sama to visit some time!"
He hears a rustling somewhere high above him, and he turns his gaze upwards and a vein mark makes its significant way to show itself. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?" Watanuki screams.
Doumeki's is the solemn face that appears from behind a patch of leaves; "Hn," he says, as to which Watanuki bristles some more.
After showing himself, Doumeki returns to what he had been doing before the Seer came; and Watanuki waits until he cannot wait no more. He angrily makes his way to the back of the temple, keeping an eye out for a ladder or anything he can climb onto, and he finds one after a third sweeping of sight across the plain outer walls of the Doumeki Shrine. The archer had gone back to peeking at him as he makes his way upward, and Doumeki half grunts, half whines as Watanuki reaches the last of the steps and climbs to his side.
"You shouldn't be here," says the archer, after looking from his guest to the nearby fall behind; "You might..." And he's sure he would, because something like guilt shimmers across the Seer's face, but as is always Watanuki makes another show of stubborn denial.
"Listen, I know I did something terribly wrong, but I've learned my lesson now." He says defensively. "And I won't jump. Believe me."
Doumeki wants to. But he can't.
So he takes Watanuki's hand and brings the other boy up, his other arm carefully making its way around a slimmer waist. Watanuki says nothing as he did this, because his eyes are concentrated at the view before him-
A dizzying view from above.
Watanuki Kimihiro then hovered between the uncertainty of putting another foot forward and staying where he was, teetering on the edge of the dark roof he was currently standing on.
There was a great many thing to be counted as a flaw about Watanuki Kimihiro, be it positive or not.
He did not, however, show any signs of great discontent with how he was currently living as. Other than verbally abusing Doumeki Shizuka, he didn't have any complains in his life.
But now, as everything was laid bare before him- once more- in a tantalizing image of skyscrapers and houses seen from high above, he could see each and every one discomfort that he once had, and currently had, and will have in the future. The altitude of things and the vastness of everything that had once been so comfortable caused him a migraine, and an unwavering step forward.
He stands on the old wood of the temple's roof top, lightly surveying the area, all the while willing away the impulse to jump down.
He knows Doumeki Shizuka is behind him, but he is too far away now.
He takes another step forward.
And Doumeki tightens his grip around the boy, terrified and aware of what is going on through his mind, and whispers once again;
"I'm here."
In realization and understanding of his protector's words, Watanuki brings his foot back to his side- and the will to jump is forever gone.
[owari.]
A/N: I don't really want to write anything right now. XD I'm sleepy. REALLY. So anyway, slightly influenced by the story "Garden of Sinners" for chapter one. I got the idea about suicide there. The plot, except the beginning, is entirely mine. Amen. XD Reviews are all welcomed. And for once, this is Rated T.