Because Emmett's totally the kind of guy who wastes all day on youtube getting sidetracked by funny cats, epic fails, and Autotune The News.

24. AN IMPASSE
(Bella wakes up in hospital)

Cool fingers caught my hand.

"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"

"Shhhh," he shushed me. "Everything's all right now."

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

Emmett spoke up from the back of the room, which I now realised was full of people—vampires, really. "She's a stupid bi—"

"Emmett, now is not the time for Sassy Gay Friend," said Alice, who, I noticed, was standing on the other side of my bed.

"Sorry."

I think we all knew he wasn't really.

*.*.*
(Bella's mother is with her. No prizes for guessing who they're talking about.)

"I think that boy is in love with you," she accused, keeping her voice low.

"I think so, too," I confided.

"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…"

I didn't like the sound of that. "And you're saying you're older?" I asked her. What if—

"Are you saying you like him? Because you can't have him, mom. That would just be... gross. Really gross."

"Bella, why would you even think..."

"Are you lying to me? Tell me the truth! Are you trying to prey on my boyfriend? Because that's gotta be illegal, mom. He's only seventeen. No offense, but you're ancient."

"Bella, stealing your boyfriend has to be the furthest thing from my mind right now! I don't know what's put that into your head, but I'm hoping it's just the drugs!" she said angrily at the same time that I said, "You're such a cougar, mom, it's seriously wrong. You need to get help. It's just... really, really wrong."

Our voices were getting louder. Edward opened his eyes, feigning sleepiness. "What are you two talking about?"

Renee and I suddenly went rigid. "Nothing," we said as one.

"I'm just... uh, I'm going to go get a coffee," my mom said, and left the room, practically at a run.

When she'd gone, Edward just looked at the almost-full coffee cup beside Renee's recently vacated chair, and then looked to me. That was when I realised what I'd been saying for the past five minutes. I had no idea whatsoever about how I was going to explain this to him.

"Um... Heh, know, my mom's right; Valium can make you say some funny things..."

It was true, too.

EPILOGUE

Entire series spoilers ahoy in the second outtake, so if you don't know the ending yet, don't read.
Then again, by this stage, who doesn't know the ending?

"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob," I apologized. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"

"Yeah," he muttered. He was still looking awkward… upset.

"There's more?" I asked in disbelief.

"Forget it," he mumbled, "I'll get a job and save the money myself."

I glared at him until he met my gaze. "Just spit it out, Jacob."

"It's so bad."

"I don't care. Tell me," I insisted.

"Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that — and this is his plural, not mine" — he lifted one hand from my waist and made little quotations marks in the air — '"We'll be watching.'" He watched warily for my reaction.

It sounded like something from a mafia movie. I laughed out loud.

"Hey, Jacob—'Don't ever ask me about my business'," I said, stroking an imaginary cat.

He grinned. "We'll be watching," he said again, this time with an Italian boss accent, and a large imaginary cigar. It was so dead-on that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. He joined in.

It took us several minutes to calm down. "Good one, Jake," I gasped finally, still grinning my head off. "You're pretty funny, you know!"

Jacob blushed and looked down. "Well, actually there's like, literally, um..."

"Just spit it out, Jake!"

He did.

"There's like three La Push kids camped outside your house with binoculars and orders to shoot if anything—well, um, happens."

Having somebody say a thing like that usually brings the funnies to a halt.

Jacob had definitely brought the funnies to a halt. I stared at him.

"You're not serious."

He shifted uncomfortably.

Oh, okay: he was. Well, I didn't think it would make much difference to Edward if they shot him, but that was a fact probably best kept to ourselves.

*.*.*
(Jacob has left Edward and Bella to dance alone.)

"I'm not mad at Billy," Edward said. "But his son is irritating me."

I pulled back to look at him. "Why?"

"First of all, he made me break my promise." He half-smiled. "I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight. And there's something else." He frowned.

I waited patiently.

"He called you pretty," he finally continued, his frown deepening. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."

I laughed. "You might be a little biased. Anyway, you're going be a lot more irritated later on when Jacob actually falls in love with me. Compared to that, being called 'pretty' is a piece of cake. I'd take what you can get right now."

Edward did a double take. "What?"

I smiled and patted his arm gently. "Jacob's going to fall in love with me in the next year or so. But hey—why worry now? We'll have time for that later."

He was staring at me now, really staring. "Bella, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," I said, doing my best to reassure him. "Absolutely fine. Stop worrying. It'll all turn out well. It's practically a guarantee."

It was, too. Although I still wasn't looking forward to the events of New Moon. However, Jacob's presence would soften the blow a little, for which I was thankful.

"Bella, you're making no sense tonight," said Edward.

He raised his eyes to the heavens in exasperation, and his grip on me relaxed a little. I'd lost his attention for now—and, all things considered, that was probably a good thing.

"Twilight, again," he murmured, still staring at the sky. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."

"Some things don't have to end," I said. "I mean, sure this book has to end, and so does the series, but we'll still live forever in the printed word, and in so many people's minds. Maybe even their hearts..."

I shook my head. Or maybe I was just being really sentimental and cheesy. Still, I had an excuse—I was just written that way, at least a little bit.

"Are you sure you're feeling all right?" Edward said again.

"Yeah, that was a pretty stupid thing to say," I agreed. "Just forget I said anything. Just let me compliment you on a very snazzy title drop."

He looked perplexed, poor guy. And no wonder—it couldn't be easy being a character in a book and not knowing anything about it. Especially when your girlfriend suddenly finds she can break the fourth wall quite effortlessly. Perhaps, to save Edward from having a meltdown, it would be better to change the subject.

"So anyway, tell me why you brought me to the prom of all places?" I indicated the decorations around us, all of which, sadly, couldn't take away the fact that this was undoubtedly the Forks High School gym. I didn't have too many happy memories here, nor was I ever going to. At least tonight wasn't going to be a disappointment.

He sighed.

"I brought you to the prom," he said slowly, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."

I shook my head and sighed. "Edward, when are you ever going to stop dwelling on the past? You're always too moody for your own good. You're lucky I kinda like that about you. But seriously, please. In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this. In fact, if we'd only waited a couple of years to go to prom, I'd totally be able to stay away, and kick your butt into the bargain. What with being vampirised, and all." I realised what I'd let slip, and covered my mouth with my hand. "Just forget I said that, too."

"Now I know you're talking nonsense." He sighed deeply. "You don't know what you're joking about."

"Yes I do. You totally don't know how much you have no idea about how much I know what I'm—wait. No. I forget where I'm going with this."

"Are you done?" Edward asked me.

I shrugged. "Evidently."

"Because I'm not going to change you, Bella. Never ever. You deserve to stay human."

He looked earnest, but I couldn't help but think ahead to what I knew was coming next. "You say that now—and I know you're not going to change me yet. Not for a while. Not until ages later, and by that time we'll also be getting ready for Renes—" I stopped. Some things are better left unsaid and I wasn't sure Edward was ready to hear that I was going to be pregnant someday...

Heck, it was still freaking me out! Just the mere thought of it was making me breathe a whole lot faster, and heavier, and, and...

Yeesh. I shuddered. There are some things you just don't want to think about. "You know," I said to Edward, "There are definite disadvantages to this whole fourth wall thing sometimes..."

Edward made a strange sound, somewhere between a chuckle, a snort, and a groan.

I looked up at him innocently. "What?"

That was when he kissed me—which I have to say, was awesome enough to make me to forget everything that was coming in the first few chapters of the next book.

"Bella," he said, beginning to laugh. "Bella, love, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're just a little bit crazy."

I grinned, and kissed him back. "So what else is new?"

The End.

Well, that's definitely the end of Twilight Outtakes. And let me tell you right now, there's no way I'm touching New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, or Bree Tanner. If you want Outtakes from those, you're gonna have to do 'em yourself.

I was going to go all nostalgic here, but I thought, what's the point? If you want to read about all that, you can PM me and I'll gladly tell you, but otherwise, I'll leave well enough alone. All I ask, as I finish this story off, is for a review or two :)