Disclaimer: Watase and Meyer can fight over who owns what, but none of it's mine. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I should accept responsibility for the idea.
Rating: "R" for "Ridiculous"
Spoilers: None, but basic familiarity with the Twilight series is recommended, on account of the parody.

Author's Note: I have no excuse for this. Only an inspiration.

I work at a bookstore, and needless to say we get in a lot of Twilight merch these days. In fact, the stuff we sell gets more ridiculous every week. Yesterday I saw that we had gotten in a cluster of bracelets that said, "I (heart) Boys That Sparkle." And I thought to myself, "Sparkling boys? Wow, it all makes sense now. Edward's not a vampire - he's just a shojo manga hero."

And then the idea for this happened.

I say again, emphatically, that I have no excuse for this. But I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Dazzle - For Great Justice!

All was not sparkles and rainbows in the world of fiction.

Not to say there weren't a great deal of sparkles these days, especially around the Nation of Young Adult Literature. The Gossip Girls had taken to wearing their sunglasses everywhere they went, and Redwall Abbey had already made several complaints about the glare hurting the elders' eyes. Mages from various fantasy novels were in constant employment, casting spells to divert or tone down the dazzle, or at the very least get their clients to "forget" about it.

Not that there was much any of them could do. After all, the shine was coming from the most elaborate mansion in the kingdom, its mailbox proclaiming the residents to be "the biggest thing since Harry Potter." And the YA residents all knew what had happened in Children's Lit Land when Henry Huggins and Mrs. Frisby had tried to lead a protest against all the unlicensed wizarding back in 2005. (They will both be missed.)

So the YA civilians bit their lips and did their best to deal with their celebrity residents, forcing smiles as the Cullens danced and sparkled through town, though the smiles were more like grimaces, and every day someone else was diagnosed with irreparable eye damage.

But the balance of power was about to be tipped, and the challenge would arrive from an unexpected place: from across the sea, in Manga Kuni, the great kingdom of Japanese graphic novels.

The rain of pink bubbles was the first indication that someone was coming. Crossovers were rare these days, what with the economy the way it was and all, but the YA residents were by no means unfamiliar with foreign visitors. Scholars consulted records until they paired the weather with the people: the visitors were coming, it seemed, from Shojo Province.

The foreigners arrived a few days later on an ornate ship, its sails flapping in a bubble-filled breeze. An envoy had been sent out to greet them and offer them room and board, but they were assured – in embarrassed tones by a boy in traditional Chinese robes, ponytail sticking up straight over his head – that they were not needed.

"We're not on holiday, you see," he explained, blushing as he said it. "It's just that they, er... it's a sort of a business trip."

"It's justice, is what it is."

The envoy looked back at the ship, though they had to shield their eyes against the glow as two dazzling men strode into view, gazing with hard eyes across the YA Nation. The one on the right swept is long brown hair out of his eyes, allowing it to blow back in the sudden breeze. The one on the left crossed his arms over his chest, drumming his fingers against his bicep. Eyes faintly purple glinted, businesslike, as he nodded down the walkway and toward the dock. "Let's do this, Hotohori."

The one called Hotohori nodded and they strode forward, stepping in almost perfect synchronization onto port. The girls in the envoy collapsed backwards, unprepared for the dazzle that struck first their smarting eyes and then their maiden hearts. The boy who had first addressed them bowed low, face red as a ripe cherry. "I'm terribly sorry for the commotion. I promise this won't take long."

"It better not."

Remaining eyes turned back to the deck, widening at a new quartet of travelers, all attractive but with considerably less sparkle in their motions. The redhead in the party shrugged, grinning at his companions. "Well, at least we can try out all the foreign food 'n' drink. Who's up fer bar-hoppin' tonight?"

"I think most of the people in this nation are underage no da," the blue-haired man with the disarming smile remarked.

The redhead shrugged. "Never stopped me before."

"Even so, we should probably stay with..." The smiler trailed off, a drop of water growing on his head (one of the elders believed it was what the Manga Kuni citizens called a "sweatdrop") as he watched the two sparkling men storming across the deck. "Da..."

The feminine member of the group sighed. "Yeah, we really ought to keep an eye on those two, huh? There's no telling what they'll do without us around."

''You're no fun at all," the redhead said with a scowl, but he followed them down the walkway and toward their friends anyway. The boy bowed low to the envoy once again, then fell into step with his companions – though all made sure to stay a pace or two behind the dazzlers.

A crowd slowly gathered behind the group, watching first through windows, then doorways, and then finally trailing behind them down the streets as the cluster of seven moved through the city, on a beeline for the imposing, glittering house on the hill. The girls followed in a daze, the boys in a jealous, grumbling huddle, and all with their eyes shielded against the shower of sparkles emanating from the two leading men.

The mansion was protected by a set of iron gates. The glittering man with the short, teal hair hit the buzzer at the side of the gates, glaring at it as if it had done him mortal injury. A moment later a perky voice said, "Twilight Manor, where the vampires and the werewolves play. How can we help you today?"

"We need to speak with the Cullens." His eyes narrowed. "Especially that Edward."

"Surrrrre!" she cooed. "I had a vision of you coming like a week ago. Gate's unlocked, just come on in."

Something clicked, then Hotohori set his hand to the gates and they swung inward. The two dazzlers clenched their fists and strode through the archway. After an uncertain second, their companions followed, and after still another uncertain second the crowd followed behind them.

Ding-dong, the doorbell rang, but the front door was creaking open before the final "ng" had finished its echoing call.

"Now, no da," said the smiler, and instantly he and his four friends all whipped out sunglasses, shoving them almost frantically onto their faces.

The crowd was not so well-prepared. Those who did not have the foresight to shield or avert their eyes were blinded instantly, sent into eternal darkness, cursed to remember that dazzling clash of sparkles as the last thing they would ever see.

The vampires shimmered in the doorway.

The two seishi shimmered on the porch.

Then the vampire with the fluffy hair that might have been a variety of shades of "red," depending on the angle of the light and the emotional condition of the bedazzled female narrator, spoke.

"I already know why you're here," he said smugly. "But you can say it out loud if you'd like."

"Very well." Hotohori coughed importantly, then set his arms to his sides almost as if he was coming to attention. "Over a decade ago we, myself and my colleague, wooed girls with our ability to sparkle for no apparent reason. We were dazzling clumsy Mary Sues before you were so much as an idea in your author's head. Yet you dare to stand there and shimmer, reaping all the benefits while those who came before you receive nothing.

"This is a travesty, and it is why we have come to deliver judgment. For the sake of all shojo manga heroes who mastered the Dazzle-Jutsu decades ago, we will see that you are brought to justice." He looked to his companion. "Tamahome?"

The glittering man called Tamahome dug around in his jacket until he pulled out a set of papers. He handed them over to the bloodsucking teen idol in the doorway. "Here's your subpoena, Mr. Cullen," he said. "We'll be seeing you in court in a month."

"A subpoena?" The girl latched onto Edward's arm frowned. "But what are the charges?"

"You are being sued," Tamahome said, his eyes filled with ice, "for Sparkle Infringement."

Edward smiled, and all those who had merely averted rather than closing their eyes found themselves thrown into blindness. "Very well, we'll be there. And we look forward to winning."

"And we look forward to taking you for everything you've got," Tamahome retorted. The two glittering protagonists glared at each other for another long, intense moment, then Tamahome and Hotohori turned, their hair blowing in the cherry blossom-filled breeze as they strode back across the lawn, dazzling all in their wake.

It was on.

...To Be Continued...
(Okay, Probably Not.)

Final Note: Yeah... I don't imagine that I'll be continuing this, but who knows? If the Goofy Bug keeps biting me, maybe I'll actually write out the trial. We'll see. Anyway, for those of you who stumble upon this, feel free to let me know what you think. I always appreciate comments, even for my Sillies.

Cheers,
Dee