Disclaimer: As usual I don't own any copyrighted characters from the show.
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On some rag tag stage prepared with large cardboard props of trees, bushes, and some clouds and sun hanging by some threads, the lights were dimmed. Slowly the lights started to turn on and lit up the stage in all it colorful brightness. Soft relaxing music began to play and provided a soothing atmosphere on audience facing the stage started to cheer a bit as the voice of the narrator, Yutaka Kobayakawa, started to ring across the loud speakers.
"Once upon a time," said Yutaka's voice, "In a fantasy land far far away where there existed people who can wield magic. These people were called mages and often these mages would form guilds where they could gather. The most famous among these guilds is a place called Fairy Ta--huh?...What?...Wrong script?...Uwahhh!!! I'm Sorry! I was given the wrong play script! L-L-Let's start over!"
The audience gave varrying reactions. Some laughed it off while others scratched their heads in confusion. the music clicked off and started from the beginning.
Yutaka's voice came up again. "Ahem, alright. Once upon a time there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. This girl was on her way to her grandmother's house to care for her while she was sick."
From stage left a young girl, Tsukasa Hiiragi, dressed in a predominantly red get-up which consisted an old-style dress and the signature red hooded cape. She was carrying a basket with fruits and a bottle of wine, which was actually a relabeled bottle of Balsamic vinegar, clearly visible.
"Oh I better hurry to Grandma's house," said Little Red Ridding Hood. "I do hope that grandma is feeling a bit better. But I'm sure these fresh fruits and balsamic vin--uh! I mean fine wine will cheer her up."
The red hooded girl started to walk across the stage.
"Little red riding hood-chan walked merrilly across the woods but found that she soon got lost," said the narrator.
The red hooded girl reached the end fo the stage and turned around then started walking back stage left. "Oh dear I seem to have gotten lost," she said.
"Then from out of nowhere, a wolf came out of the forest to confront little red riding hood-chan," came the narrator's voice.
From behind one of the prop bushes a blue-haired girl with sleepy eyes, Konata Izumi, dressed in a wolf costume that covered her whole body except for her face, jumped out and in front of Little Red riding Hood. The girl acted surprised by this sudden encounter.
"Hey there little girl," greeted the wolf, in a rather hammy way. "Are you lost or something?"
"Oh yes, wolf-san," replied the hooded girl.
"It is pretty unusual to find a girl like you around here. Are you traveling to some place?"
"Why, yes I am on my way to my grandmother's house. She has been feeling under the weather. I am on my way to visit her and see what I can do to cheer her up and make her feel better. I have even brought along this bascket of fruit and bals--I mean wine to her."
"Oh that does seem like a fine thing indeed. But you seem to not know your way."
"I'm afraid I am still not used to this forest."
"Ho ho ho!!" replied the wolf, standing tall and reciting the line in a very hammy way. "Don't worry little girl. I, the wolf, am master of this forest and I know my way around here like the back of my paw. I will tell you of a shortcut to your grandmother's house!" the wolf pointed towards stage right. "If you go down this path you will be at your grandma's house in no time at all!"
"Oh thank you, wolf-san. I appreciate your help."
"Nothing to it."
"Well, I shall be on my way now. ja ne."
As little red riding hood walked away towards stage right, the wolf waved a paw in farewell. "Bye-nii!" Little red riding hood started to walk behind the trees and suddenly trips on a tree causing her to fall down face first onto the stage and the tree prop to soon follow. The tree impacted with a loud cracking sound and after that the stage was silent for a short while afterwards where the wolf and everyone in the audience sweat-dropped.
Then, in a flash, Little red riding hood got back to her feet. "I better go now!" she blurted out and rushed off the as soon as little red riding hood was gone the stage darkened a bit as if to indicate a foreboding atmosphere. the little wolf started rubbing her paws together in an evil way.
"However, little does our heroine know," said Yutaka's narrator voice, "that the wolf has something evil planned."
"Little does she know that I have something evil planned," said the wolf. "I will take the real shortcut and get to grandma's house first and there, where nobody can see us, I will eat that little girl and her grandmother in one big meal, muwahahaha, hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
After the maniacal laughing, a majority of the audience members sweat-dropped. The wolf was frozen and the stage was silent for a bit. the wolf eventually coughed and said. "Well, I guess I should be going then."
With that, the little wolf ran off (on all fours) in the opposite direction of little red riding hood. The stage suddenly went dark and a shuffling of props could be heard accompanied by subtle conversations from the stage crew. Yutaka's voice came on from the speakers saying "Meanwhile, in gradma's house."
The stage lights turned on and the forest setting with its cardboard bushes and trees, was replaced by a three-walled room that looked like the inside of some old-style bedroom. Allong with the three walls there were other props like a bed, a desk, and a carpet. Standing next to the bed was a tall woman, Miyuki Takara, dressed in an old style frock and wearing round-rim glasses.
"Oh dear, my grandchild will be here any moment. I should prepare something for her," said Grandma. "Such a nice girl she is, coming here to wish me good health. I shall look forward to when she arrives and we can spend some time together."
Suddenly the door flew open and the wolf entered. "O-ho-ho, that's what you think Boing-obaasan."
"Oh no! A wolf! What do you want with me?"
"You will be part of my cunning plan, obaasan. First I will tie you up and hide you in the closet. Then I'll borrow some clothes so I can cosplay as you so that when your granddaughter arrives--"
"Um, don't you mean disguise?"
"...huh?"
"Doesn't the script say 'disguise' and not cosplay. I also don't recall 'Boing-obasaan' written there anywhere, Kona--I mean, wolf-san."
"...Nevermind all that! The soul of theater is in the fervor of the actors in it. It's only natural that they ad-lib every now and then."
"Or maybe you just can't memorize the script all that well wolf-san."
"...eh...well..."
The audience, grandma, and the wolf sweat-dropped. A few seconds of silence later, the wolf was once again the one to break the silence. "Let's just get on with it!"
With that the wolf proceeded to tie the grandmother and they both disappeared into the closet built into one of the prop walls. Seconds later, the wolf came out wearing a similar frock to what the grandmother was wearing a while ago.
"Now all that's left is to wait for that little girl to come."
The wolf jumped onto the bed and hid in the covers. A few seconds later, the door opened to reveal little red riding hood. "Hello? Obaasan? I came to deliver some food for you"
"Here I am, my dear," replied the wolf. "Come closer so can get a look at you."
The girl did so and as she got closer she noticed odd things about her grandmother. "Oh my, Obaasan. What big eyes you have!"
"All the better to watch One Piece marathons with, my dear." replied the grandma.
"Oh my, Obassan. What big ears you have."
"All the better to listen to Porno Graffiti with, my dear."
"Oh my, Obassan. What big teeth you have."
"All the better to EAT YOU WITH!"
With that the wolf shed off its frock and revealed itself. Little red riding hood yelped in shock at the sight of the wolf. "And now I shall eat you both! Hahahaha!" laughed the wolf. then the stage turned dark. Many gasps came from the audience and while the house setting disappeared into the dark, a lone spotlight turned on from the top of the stage to shine light on a new character while accompanied by Yutaka's narration.
"While it seemed dire for our heroine, there was hope. At that time a woodsman was traveling the woods."
The woodsman, Kagami Hiiragi, was dressed in long, light brown denims and a simple shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just past the elbows. The woodsman's would-be long hair was tucked inside a straw hat. The woodsman was armed with a simple axe with an iron head painted red and a shiny wooden handle that had a label printed in black near the bottom which read "use in case of fire." The woodsman slowly walked across the stage as if looking for a tree to chop down.
"I'll be out of firewood by the end of the day," said the woodsman in a rather impressive attempt at emulating a gruff male voice. "I have to find some more lest a I freeze to death at night."
Suddenly a scream of a little girl came from the darkness and alerted the woodsman. "What was that? A girl's scream?"
The woodsman looked around frantically and seemed to have spotted something. "There! Trouble!"
As if on cue, the lights turned on again on the whole stage and revealed the room setting where the wolf and little red riding hood were facing off. The woodsman, spotting the danger the little girl was in swiftly charged and got in between the girl and the wolf.
"Hold it there you wolf!"
"Hoe! A woodsman!...In the woods!" exclaimed the little wolf.
"I won't let you harm that girl! Now get out of here!"
"What are you gonna do about it, Mr. Woodsman? I am a fierce predator of the forest! I can...uh...scratch you with my claws until you...uh...bleed a lot!"
"I shall strike you down with my ax before you could ever harm anybody here!"
"Oh yeah?! Well I'll...um...bite your leg off!"
"...that's not the line!" said the woodsman in a hushed tone.
"Sorry, I'm forgetting my lines!" said the wolf.
"It's supposed to be 'bite your head off' isn't it?"
"I'm not sure. We only had one day of rehearsal since this was such short notice. And you know I have problems memorizing stuff on short notice!"
"I thought you were an expert on cramming!"
"This is different!"
They stopped the conversation when they noticed that the audience was looking at them curiously. The sweat-dropped nervously and looked at each other. Eventually the wolf simply whispered "whatever! Let's just improvise!" then stepped away. Before the woodsman could protest the wolf stepped back. The wolf then raised her arms in a muay thai stance. The audience, grandma, little red riding hood, all stared in confusion. The woodsman on the other hand sweat-dropped and sighed exasperatingly. She's doing that otaku thing again...
"You may be able to read my rhythm," said the wolf, "but you can't read my masters' rhythms! apapapapapa!!"
"Do we really have to do this?"
The wolf charged at the woodsman who continued to wear an exasperrated expression. The woodsman however soon grinned wryly and thought 'oh well, might as well. It is only a impromptu play after all.'
The woodsman suddenly leaned back to avoid a knee that was flying towards her chin. The woodsman then used the length of her axe to block a series of elbow strikes from the wolf. The woodsman backed down. "You think by simply changing to muay thai, you can beat the eighth fist?" said the woodsman as she tossed aside the axe and extended her hands out as if to out line a sphere around her person. "you're fancy tricks won't break my seikuken!"
The woddsman and the wolf started charging at each other and trading fake blows towards each other in a flashy martial arts style bout. the audience, a whole class of first grade students from Ryōō elementary, cheered wildly at the spectacle and were obviously entertained. the rest of the cst simply sweat-dropped.
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Up in the narrator's booth.
Yutaka, Minami, Patricia, and Hiyori watched what was goin on on stage with mixed expression. Yutaka covered the mic she was narrating the story through earlier so that her voice won't be heard before turning to her friends.
"Umm, is it alright if we leave things, like this?" she asked with a large sweat-drop on the side of her face.
"Well, at least the audience seem to be enjoying it," said Minami.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right," said Patricia. "I guess this little play turned out fine after all. if the audience is happy..."
"Still..." Hiyori had a sort of sad face to her expression. "I wish they wouldn't totally butcher the script I wrote. I spent hours on that."
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Author's Note: Been a while huh? At least for Lucky Star. I have long been planning to do a follow up on my other Lucky Star fic but not really liking on any of the concepts I was coming up with. Before settling on this particular concept, I was seriously considering a story involving Konata's parents back when they were in collage. I didn't like how that one fleshed out so i;m putting it on the back burner for now. I've finally settled on this idea of a story which revolves mainly around Kagami. Despite the different main character i expect this to have generally the same feel as my last fic, with random comedy and anime references like the show itself.
Other Notes: Speaking of random anime references: the whole stage play idea was inspired by a chapter of Love Hina. Yutaka's wrong script is referring to Fairy Tail. The improvised fight scene was lifted from History's Strongest Disciple Kenichi.