To a mouse – Robert Burns

The best laid schemes of mice and men

Go often askew,

And leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For promised joy!

Still you are blest, compared with me!

The present only touches you:

But oh! I backward cast my eye,

On prospects dreary!

And forward, though I cannot see,

I guess and fear!

A/N 5/20 - Dare we hope…that for those of us that love Meredith & Derek…tonight will bring that "promised joy" – somehow, this poem seem fitting, as we fans have spent a weeks's worth of speculation.

Before tonight's episode, I wanted to post this chapter...certainly not intended to be the best of this story, but I wanted to bring season six to a close before watching the episode. No idea what will happen, but oh…I'd love to see Altman gone! I'm thinking that AA chip was either foreshadowing to Richard "losing" it, or just to let us know 6 months have gone by, which sort of means…Meredith & Derek had an anniversary!

I've no medical knowledge, nor devoted time to research as I've done in other stories, but just put down some possibilities in writing, and then will wait to see what fate Rhimes has in store for MD as we approach season seven.

It's my fondest wish for all Mer Der fans, that tonight, unlike so many other season finales and so often this season, Rhimes will leave us feeling like Meredith & Derek have indeed found their "promised joy" and are looking forward to all he wanted…that they now want the same things. They're building the house…on the cliff with kids bedrooms ready to be filled, and oh but I do hope it's the beginning of their lifetime of dreams that can really come true, even if in different ways than we ever expected.

Chapter 13 – Death's Sanctuary

"Noooo…Derek…nooo…Derek…"

Meredith's agonizing scream reverberated through the halls of her once safe haven and sanctuary, as Cristina held her back, attempting to restrain her; preventing her too from being in the line of fire.

"Mer," Cristina said, "Meredith…you can't…" but her friend's sudden strength overpowered her and she rushed to her husband's side, blood staining his otherwise immaculately pressed blue shirt.

The seconds leading to Meredith's race to reach Derek would be forever ingrained in everyone's mind, the scene unfolding as in slow motion, as the current and prior chief of staff were wounded within seconds of each other.

Richard Webber acted instinctively, as the standoff neared its end when the crazed gunman turned to identify what had made the man who'd killed his wife; who'd ended his own, now senseless life, with her death recognized the terror in Derek Shepherd's face, and then the widower recognized Meredith, the woman with the blissful smile whose paths he'd crossed earlier in the day.

"Your wife," the gunman looked over at Meredith and Cristina , and then he looked at Derek, the hollow empty gaze of a man who has nothing left to live for met that of Derek's unadulterated terror. "Now...you can watch her die…in less time than it took for you to declare mine dead," and he turned the gun to Meredith, and Derek lunged forward as he heard her hysterical screams.

"Nooo…Derek…don't…" and then he felt the pain of a bullet in his body, and the impact of another body, as he fell to the ground.

"Noooo….Derek…nooo….derek…" her earlier words echoed over and over as she ran to him, unaware that Richard Webber had been watching, bidding his time to lunge for the man holding his hospital hostage. His quick reaction had prevented Derek from sustaining a more serious injury, but now, he too lay on the floor, had literally taken a bullet for the woman he'd known since she was a child, in his struggle to wrestle the gun away from the crazed and now dead man. His own bullet killing him, as it went off in the struggle.

"Derek," she reached him before anyone else, and she saw the look of pain in his eyes, the almost glassy gaze before she knew he would lose consciousness. She touched him, her hands shaking covered in his blood. "Derek…look at me," she sobbed, "Derek…stay with me…don't you dare die on me Derek…you promised me…"

"I …" Derek tried to speak, "love you…" his eyes filled with tears, "remember that…will love you …forever," he said, before his eyes closed.

"Derek…." she sobbed hysterically, "Derek…" before she was suddenly and physically removed from his side, as the medical personnel took over and rushed to assess his condition, quickly taking him away.

"Mer," Cristina said, "we need to let them work on him…" she said, and watched as Webber too was being attended too, but her only concern was her friend.

"Cristina," Meredith was inconsolable as she watched her husband, still unconscious being attended to, "he can't die…he can't die…"

"He's not going to die," Cristina told her.

"We're having a baby," Meredith all but whispered, "and…he doesn't know…"

"You'll tell him…" Cristina told her, "as soon as you can."

"Cristina," Meredith said, "he…maybe…maybe…he's already gone…"

"Meredith Grey," Cristina scolded, "you listen to me…he is not dead…and he is not going to die…don't you dare think anything else."

"Yang," suddenly Bailey's voice rang out, "scrub in…Shepherd needs surgery stat ..."

"I can't…" Cristina said, "I can't…Meredith…"

"Grey…" Bailey looked at her directly, "get to surgery too…we have no one else ready right now…you need to get to surgery…"

"I'm …I ….Derek…I'm going to be there with him…"

"No," Bailey said, "you are not…scrub in, the Chief…Dr. Webber…needs surgery…there is no other choice… you have to scrub in with me…"

"What about Derek," Meredith said, "who is taking care of him…there's others…"

"He's got the best," Bailey said, as her voice shook his emotion, "in his own words…cardio thoracic resident…who's about to save his life."

"What about…Altman…" Meredith tried to figure it all out.

"She's been shot," Miranda Bailey stated. "Grey…go…"

The moments preceding and following Bailey's words and the carnage left behind by one man would never lose their surreal quality; no matter how many years passed or how many tragedies they witnessed; today the lives of every person at Seattle Grace had changed forever.

Meredith indeed scrubbed in and performed surgery on Richard Webber; he would be fine. Then, she scrubbed out and a violent bout of nausea signaled the first physical symptoms of her pregnancy, exposing her private life, while her husband lay, unaware of it on a surgical transport stretcher.

Refusing any further restraints, Meredith Grey made her way to the scrub area outside her husband's OR, sinking to the floor…now back in full control of her emotions, calm under pressure, she linked her hands together and closed her eyes.

"Dr. Grey," she heard, "you shouldn't be here…"

"Kepner," Meredith said, "they can keep me away from the OR, but I'm not leaving this room, not till I know my husband is ok."

"We can come and get you," she stammered a bit. "Chief Shepherd…he wouldn't want you here. He'd want …"

"You think you know what my husband would want…" Meredith looked at her.

"No…ma'am…Dr. Grey…it's just…you were sick earlier…"

"I'm fine," Meredith said, "and I'm not going anywhere," and closed her eyes, and then as the minutes went by, was forced to look to her side and found April Kepner sitting next to her. "What are you doing?"

"You shouldn't be alone," April told her.

"Aren't there surgeries and patients that …"

"You're the most important person in his life. He would not want you to be alone. He was kind and compassionate toward me, and mentored me when I was ready to give up being a doctor. Your husband gave me another chance."

They sat in silence and then, Meredith asked quietly, her eyes remained closed. "April…do you pray?"

"All the time."

"Will you pray with me now?"

"Yes…of course Dr. Grey…"

"Right now," Meredith's eyes filled with tears, "I'm only his wife…"

"Mrs. Shepherd," April said urgently, "they're done…Dr. Yang's headed here."

"Mer," Cristina Yang said…as the two women's gaze met, tears reflected in both their eyes, "he's going to recovery…you can see him in a little while…"

"He's ok…" Meredith whispered, "he's ok…you wouldn't lie to me…"

Cristina simply shook her head and as she saw her friend's calm demeanor begin to crumble, bridged the distance between them and embraced her as she broke down.

Meredith kept vigil for hours. Cristina never left her side, and was even sympathetic, though she had to disguise some of it, when as morning dawned morning sickness manifested itself violently.

"You'd think," Cristina tried to keep things light, "such a tiny little bunch of cells in a little fetus wouldn't make you that sick."

"You better be nice …speak nicely about the baby…" Meredith told her as she sat with her eyes closed by his bed.

"Mer…" Cristina said, "Mer…he's waking up."

"What…" Meredith said, and got up and rushed to his side. "Derek…Derek…"

He tried to open his eyes. They felt like lead, but he was determined to see her, to make sure she wasn't hurt. Then, blue eyes met her tear filled gaze, "Mer…"

"Don't speak…" she said, "don't speak…"

"You…" he insisted, "you ok…"

"I am…it's you…Derek…don't you dare," she said suddenly, as she broke down, "don't you dare die on me…Derek…you promised to be there…when I'm old and senile… you said…you'd die in my arms at a hundred a ten…"

"Ok…" he whispered, before his eyes closed again.

"Derek," she spoke softly to him, "if you don't get well…I won't ever forgive you…I won't…and…I've got so much to tell you…I love you Derek…please…please…be ok…"

Cristina convinced her to lay back on the chair they'd brought for her, and when in the middle of the night he awakened, disoriented, Cristina explained what had happened, and then woke up her friend and left the two alone; confident Derek Shepherd would recuperate fully.

A/N - Ok…so I won't be able to post this before the show, unless I finish it here. I have to say, this is the fastest chapter I've ever written, as I got home right before seven and sat down to write. So after tonight…who knows, I may be back…and continue this chapter where this left off. Though, I'm really hoping they do such an amzing job on Grey's tonight, how he finds out he's going to be a dad…that I won't have any need to come back and fill in the blanks.

Thank you all for reading the first 12 chapters of Painful Doubts. If you read the last two chapters and found it enjoyable at all, your comments would be so very much appreciated. Warm regards, Jasmin