All the Wrong Books

(Eustace)

14 June

So. Now there is to be no more suitors, but Caspian cannot say anything to Lucy either. It's not as if I know why—no one ever tells me anything. And it's not as if I understand all these rules about honor and courtship that Caspian and Edmund seem to be so hung up on.

At least Lucy seems happier, and I suppose that's something. Upon further reflection, realized that disappearance of suitors is better for everyone. L. less anxious, and C. much less moody—thank Aslan for that. We have resumed training again, and now I am not so bad because I have been doing so much work on my own while all this courtship mess was going on. E said I would be a clever fighter. Is this a compliment? Isn't it better to be strong, like C.?

Am always feeling like I'm missing something. I don't understand why. Have been here three years now, one would think I'd have the hang of things by now. Apparently not.

Find myself missing Reep an awful lot. Know he could explain all this to me—he was always on about chivalry and adventure.

I don't forget how he sat with me when I was a dragon and told me stories.

16 June

Decided could not sit around forever. Reep is in Aslan's country and I still need to know what it means to be a man, a knight, a noble. So I went to E, who is always pretty good in a pinch.

He listened, and then he leaned back in his chair and pressed his fingertips together. "You want to learn the rules of chivalry?"

Thought that was what I had just said, but decided to bite my tongue. "Exactly."

"Why now?"

Didn't think that should matter, but answered him anyway. "Because all this stuff with Lucy doesn't make any sense. Why couldn't she just throw all the suitors out? Why did you have to make the ruling, and when you did, why did you have to make her so helpless and silly?"

"Telmarine chivalry is not quite the same as Narnian chivalry. They take the same form and use the same gestures, but the idea at heart is different. The Telmarines practice it to establish power and hierarchy. The Narnians practice it to show honor and love. That is particularly evident in the differences."

"So which were you using when you kicked out the suitors?" I retorted.

He rubbed his face. "Eustace—"

"Look you've got about a hundred rules and I'm just supposed to magically know them? I live in this world, don't I? I'm sick of sticking out like a sore thumb."

"It's not that easy to explain."

"Because I haven't read the right books," I huffed. I do try to stop sulking, but you know, sometimes it's very hard.

Was about to turn away when E. conceded, "I suppose even Peter had to learn."

So there's something the High King Peter wasn't born doing. Everyone talks about him with such reverence it's hard to think he's the same person as my bossy older cousin. Suppose though that I never really thought of him as a King or anything like that. Should like to see him now to find out.

"How did he learn then?"

"We had a tutor. He must have written down all the rules. I seem to remember something of that sort—but it's most likely gone." To his credit, he actually did look sorry, but it didn't get me any closer to figuring out answers.

17 June

C. found me today when I was sulking (really am trying not to) and wanted to know what was the matter. Didn't want to tell him about the chivalry thing. C. is ordinarily v. gracious, but sometimes he finds it v. funny when I don't know something he got taught as a kid. Would be alright I suppose, if I could laugh at him in return for not knowing what a lift is or about trains and automobiles, but everyone seems to think that sort of stuff is completely useless. I wonder why.

Anyway, wound up telling him that E. had told me about some interesting documents from the Golden Age and I'm sorry they're lost.

C. smiled like he does when he has a great surprise up his sleeve. He loves surprises more than anyone I know—except maybe Lucy.

"They're not all lost," he said. "Come with me."

Followed him to one of the wings of the castle that wasn't finished. You'd think the whole thing would be finished by now, but Rome really wasn't built in a day.

C. opened some doors and we were in a mostly completely library.

"I had hoped it would be finished by Lucy's birthday, but we are a few months behind schedule."

There were shelves and shelves of books, rows of documents. "A library?"

"The original castle had one. See?" he led me over to a plan of the castle. It must have been the original because the paper looked very old.

"We found this when excavating," C. said proudly. "It's got markings for defense against a siege Whoever made these notes is a brilliant strategist. I don't see how Cair Paravel could have fallen to Caspian the Conqueror with this plan." He frowned a bit. "He must have been utterly ruthless."

"Or the attack happened after this person, whoever they are, was dead and gone."

I could see C. ready to go on a Telmarine guilt trip, but this stopped him in his tracks, at least for the moment.

"So the library?" I had to get him back on track. Caspian tends to go off on tangents if you give him the chance.

"Ah-yes. Once we found this, we started looking for more. And once we started looking, we found more and more documents, many dating back to the Golden Age, or just past it. The Narnians hid manuscripts for generations—it was really quite extraordinary what they were brought in. And now we have this." He put his hands on his hips and surveyed the library with a lordly air. V. proud of himself.

"Lucy's going to love this," I said, deciding to tease him.

Didn't work, though, because he just blushed and colored up and said, "I do hope so. Anyway, have a look around. I hope you find what you're looking for." He clapped my shoulder and left.

18 June

Spent most of the day looking through manuscripts. Was glad to practice swordplay and stretch for a bit in the afternoon. Horrible crick in neck.

19 June

Found nothing. Spent three hours looking through laws on farming.

20 June

Still nothing. Find it horribly hot in the library. C. needs to look into getting some windows open for air.

C. asks as though everything in here is fascinating. Hate to disappoint him but never read anything duller than census of Shuddering Wood.

Just remembered that back in England would have loved this kind of book. Wonder if I'm becoming more Narnia than I thought. Interesting.

21 June

Was going through the library methodically but gave up out of impatience. Pulled out the book that reminded me most of Reepicheep. It has a carved wooden cover. It is a diary of a King of Narnia—Lucien. Wonder if that's because of Lucy.

22 June

Like this Lucien fellow v. much. He says things like "Narnian should not fall into lawlessness with the Four gone. We must write down the laws such as they are, preserve them. Of course, we must find a way to do this systematically." Find the sheer thoroughness and organization v. refreshing. Am sure he will give me some answers.

A bit more reading reveals that he was also the one to do the defense schematics. Clearly a person of a very scientific mind.

24 June

Am not learning as many facts as desirable from King Lucien, but am liking him v. much. Know that he wrote the book am looking for—he talks about it, all about the rules of chivalry and knighthood—but don't really want to stop reading the journals. Feel as though he and I would understand each other.

Sounds as though he could use a friend. He's in love with some Anna person but she's in love with his cousin Ram, who is flashy and handsome and pompous if Lucien's accounts are to be trusted (and I think they are, given how accurate he always is). He had an uncle too, who seems to have died in some accident with his mother. He seems to miss them both terribly. They really understood him, and with them gone he really feels misunderstood. Know that feeling.

Also he had this cousin, Dash, who's always showing him up. Dash is King too—guess they tried to keep the four thrones thing going for awhile.

25 June

Turns out Anna is queen too—and his cousin. Can't imagine falling in love with L. or Susan, honestly, but I suppose it's one of those Narnian things. Happens in England too—Queen Victoria's children were always marrying cousins etc.

It's a shame he can't be with the girl he loves. Am starting to think love only serves to complicate things. But then—Lucien seems to feel the same way but he can't help being in love. So maybe love isn't something you can really guard against, even if it is completely nonsensical.

If that's so, C & L should just be together already and deal with whatever people say. Which is why I'm reading the diaries in the first place—to try and understand.

26 June

Cannot believe how dense I am. Lucien always writes about his uncle and mother, and Dash is a cousin through an aunt, and Anna a cousin through an uncle. It's all so obvious now that I know. Can't believe I didn't before that his uncle is Edmund and his mother is Lucy. Took me until he mentioned his uncle by name for me to see.

Decided I would talk to Lucy about all this. She would probably want to know, I reasoned. There's no point in keeping people in the dark.

She was sitting alone reading on the terrace. L still looks so young. Remember finding out she was a queen and could hardly believe it. But now to think she was a mother…this might be the most unbelievable part of Narnia.

She looked up and said right away I looked like I had something on my mind. Is it that obvious, really?

So I told her: "You have a son. Lucien."

She went all pale and wanted to know, so I told her. She took it and opened it in her lap and stared at a page for a full five minutes. It would have looked strange to anyone else, watching her stare at the book like that without reading it, but I could see why, I think.

"Where did you find this?" she asked. Her voice was a bit funny.

"There were some papers around." I had promised C. I wouldn't tell about the library. But now have to lie to keep the promise. Which one is wrong? That's the puzzle.

She pressed her fingers to her lips and stroked the page. "He was my son." Then she sniffed.

Hate it when people cry. It's always so awkward, standing there unsure of what to do. Couldn't really blame L. though, so I said what people always say. "Don't cry, Lu."

"I'm sorry. I can't help it," she said, wiping her eyes. "I loved him so much. He was my little boy, but he grew up and died a thousand years ago."

You really have to wonder what Aslan's doing sometimes. I'm sure *he* knows, but in moments like this it's v. puzzling for the rest of us. L. was getting more and more upset, so I reached for the book. "I'm sorry," I told her. "I probably shouldn't have shown this to you."

She hugged the book to her chest. "No. I'm glad you did. So glad. I always wanted to know what happened to him, how he grew up."

Couldn't bring myself to tell her that it didn't seem like Lucien was very happy. But I guess she'll see for herself.

27 June

L. has been v. thoughtful all day and has kept to herself. She begged off sword practice. C. asked me what was wrong but didn't think I should tell him. Don't think she even told E. because he seems v. confused.

This is strange. Thought L told E everything. Even more, am quite sure that E is the uncle Lucien was so close to. Can't imagine it would be Peter—Lucien and Edmund are much more alike.

28 June

L. alone again today. Finally saw her walking down the beach and decided to go and talk to her. Figured if she didn't want me she'd just tell me.

She didn't talk to me, but she didn't tell me to go away either. She still had that sad look as she continued down the beach, so I decided to tell her what I had been thinking. "I liked him. I wish I could have known him."

She was quiet for awhile, and then she said, "He would have really liked you. He was very exact and precise and literal."

"Is that what you're saying about me?" This sounded suspiciously like Lucy's way of saying I only like dull books about the formation of mountains or similar.

She swept her skirts along the sand. "It's not an insult, you know. He wanted to understand everything. You couldn't leave a question of his unanswered. He would ask it again and again in his little voice…" She turned back to me. "I always think of him when he was tiny. That was when he would let me cuddle him."

Asked how old he was when she left. She told me sixteen. I pointed out this was the same age we are.

She wrapped her arms around herself. "Yes. It's funny, isn't it?" Only it didn't seem funny at all. Can't fathom what that must be like, to go back to a time when you are younger than your own child.

Now that I think about it, should probably have stayed quiet and let her think a bit longer. But then at the same time, she's spent an awful lot of time thinking. "You say that Lucien was like me," I said.

"Mmm." This was a kind of yes, I suppose.

"Everyone laughs that I'm so literal."

"Lucien wouldn't have," she assured me.

"No. And did anyone laugh at him?"

"Sometimes he was funny, with all his questions. But no one laughed at him."

He was a knight, and a king. And if he could have it all make sense, then so can I.

3 July

Finally showed L. the library. She was begging to see where I had found the journal and wanted to find more. Am sure there are more. From everything she's said, Lucien's a prolific writer. Wonder what made him write so much. Wonder what makes me write so much, other than habit.

C. wanted to surprise her. But he doesn't know about this. At least I told her that C. meant it as a surprise.

"I have to know," she said with a shake of the head.

When I opened the doors to the library though, her face changed. L. could always see more than what was there. In the half constructed library, she saw the same vision that made C. so lordly about the whole affair. "Caspian was building this for me?" she whispered.

"He thought you would like to see what remained of your time."

Instead of answering, she went forward, examining the stacks. I went in the other direction, looking for Lucien's books. I had just found them, when L. gave a cry of surprise. I rushed over with the stacks of journals in my arms to find her standing by a crate of paintings.

"Look," she said, tugging one out. "Peridan's portraits. It's us."

The portrait she had pulled out was an incredible likeness of her, so I can only guess it must have been a good one of the other two subjects. L. looked a slight bit older, but otherwise exactly the same, and she was standing next to a blond fellow who was so tall and broad he made C. look puny. He had a huge messy mane of curly hair and a broad smile. Between them was a boy of about twelve who was also blond, almost white blond, and whose features were almost entirely the man's, but he had Lucy's eyes.

"Corin and Lucien," I said.

She nodded eagerly and proudly. They looked as though they were about to laugh. I saw what people mean when they say there's laughter in someone's eyes.

Then I showed her the journals and we started reading. I started reading about when he was learning to be a knight. L. was still around then, and he would sometimes talk about how silly she was with her husband. Probably that means she was v. happy with him.

"Huh," she said softly. When I looked up she as touching the page with a barmy smile on her face.

Of course I had to ask what it was, although why people go through that rigamarole of sighing or smiling and waiting for people to ask to say what it is I don't know.

L. showed me the book, and I saw that Lucien was waxing poetic about a Marianne.

"I thought he was in love with Anna," I observed.

"He was. But…maybe it's not so simple that you can love only one person."

I looked at her keenly, and she looked away.

Went back to flipping pages until a question niggled at me. "He talks about you and Corin, but did Edmund ever fall in love?"

She shook her head. "No, he never did. I don't know why—maybe he's too guarded."

"Don't you think you are?" I countered. This is all getting a bit much, that she doesn't see what's really going on.

Of course she didn't like that. "Eustace. I don't know what you mean. Aren't we talking about my son and my husband?"

"I mean with Caspian." Sometimes you have to spell everything out for people.

She clammed up then and went quite pale.

I suppose I shouldn't have kept on, but I couldn't help it. "You must realize how he feels, Lu. He built you this library, and the way he looks at you, and seeks to be with you—"

She put up her hand. "Eustace, don't—"

"But you have to hear it! You have to know. And—and you have to know how you feel." Really, it all seems so very simple to me.

"Stop! I can't think about this. Don't you see? I was married! I had a son. The only regret I have about that marriage is that we couldn't grow old together. And you want me to think about someone else. Why don't you sell me off to one of those Telmarine Lords?""

"But he's not just a Telmarine Lord! He's Caspian." How she could not see what was going on in front of her face, I don't know.

"I'm married to Corin," she insisted. She shut the book in front of her with a clap and stalked out of the room. Case closed.

4 July

Today L. didn't talk to me. Read Lucien's journals alone. At lunch I heard her ask C. to go for a ride.

5 July

L & C practiced archery together today. Find that I want her to fall in love with him. We've all been waiting for it so long already, and C. is getting into quite the state.

6 July

L & C went rowing today. Heard them talking about when she came when he was trying to overthrow Miraz and she rescued Trumpkin on this beach. They were laughing quite a lot.

However, later saw her reading Lucien's stuff again and looking v. sad. Went to talk to her, but she avoided me. Maybe she's mad. That's stupid though. She had to face the truth sometime.

8 July

Yesterday more of the same—L. reading and then talking with C. E asked if I knew what was up with L & I told him about the journals and everything. Then he grew thoughtful.

Finally today a breath of fresh air. Literally because past weeks have been v. still and hot, and figuratively because it's been the same thing for ages around here.

There was a breeze today and a ship came into the harbor. Drinian was back from a diplomatic mission C sent him on before L's birthday.

"Your mission was meant to be a month long!" C teased as he greeted Drinian with open arms.

"I'm sorry, your Majesty. I was detained against my will," Drinian answered, grinning.

Here C looked alarmed, and Drinian laughed. "Meet my captor, won't you? She's much more powerful than she seems." He reached behind him and drew a small woman forward. "This is my wife, Dara."

There was a general cry of surprise. No one saw this coming, Drinian was a confirmed bachelor, etc.

But it seemed to me that as he watched Drinian and Dara C looked wistful. Or maybe jealous. L was v. hard to read b/c she let herself exclaim over the couple and welcome Dara and plan a party. She didn't seem to think about herself.

10 July

When it rains it pours, I guess. Dara and Drinian were barely settled when the trumpets sounded and a whole troop of people came over the bridge. Turned out they were from Archenland, and at the head of the procession was the crown prince, who was tall and had v. curly blond hair.

Turned out that they didn't get the message about no suitors, because the prince was here for Lucy. When they made the announcement, C's jaw just about hit the floor, and then he started to look at Edmund, expecting him to shoo the Archen prince away. But E was looking at L.

L for her part was looking at Prince Cole as though she had seen a ghost. She stretched out her hand and said, "Welcome Cole to a castle which is always open to you and your people."

We had to be thinking the same thing.

He looks like Corin.

A/N: Although the updates are taking awhile, I am not abandoning this story! What happens is I write longhand and then must type it over. That takes awhile when life is going on around you. :P

Thanks for all the reviews of the last chapter and good wishes. I did make it to England in the end, which was nice. And got Ben Barnes to sign my playbill when I went to see Birdsong, which was even nicer!

Your support of this story, even just through reading, means a lot to me. Hope you keep on truckin'.