Chapter 13: Gray Slate

"Every time I look at my hands
with my fingers open on my lap
I am moved

they look proud
they look happy
huddled next to each other

as if they had never been forced to do
anything mean
anything despicable
by me"

— Michio Mado, Yubi

One month prior.

The sun was bright today.

Rem had never quite gotten used to it, no matter how long she had been here. From this world, the sun seemed so much closer than in the shinigami realm, and to accompany it the skies here were often a clear and unnatural blue instead of the calm and neutral gray she was more comfortable with.

Despite the brightness, Rem was invisible to most of the world's inhabitants, and so normally she did not feel very exposed in it, even during crowded situations. However, at the moment she was trying to avoid the sight of one of those few rare people who could see her, and so she had to remain careful if she did not want to be noticed. Rem followed behind this person in the bustling streets, keeping her distance as much as she could. After a while, though, she abandoned this tactic, and moved closer, keeping her death note close at hand in case it was needed.

Misa seemed as cheerful as ever right now, humming as she headed back to the apartment she was sharing with Light, although she was still a few blocks and a bus ride away from it.

It was not night, like the last time it had happened.

Would it be another stalker this time? Rem sent a glance behind herself—not her first—but as before, she did not see anyone following Misa, and did not feel as if she were being watched either. Still, she remained anxious that someone might appear if she did not remain attentive to all of her surroundings, and she had every right to be careful. Today was Misa's last day, after all.

While it was true that Misa had been given the remainder of Gelus's lifespan, the shinigami had never been one to kill humans unless he had to, and even when he did, it was usually only ever the humans that didn't have much time left anyway. Consequently, Misa's lifespan had only been extended a short while, and had furthermore been halved twice after she had agreed to do the eye trades with Ryuk. And now, to Rem's dismay, Misa had only minutes left.

However, Rem also knew that the workings of fate usually took the path of least resistance when it was not otherwise directed. Misa was young and healthy, so she probably would not be in danger from a heart attack or any other health-related cause of death. The only other danger she faced was in her immediate environment, and hopefully that meant that Rem had a good chance of preventing it. But the question still remained, who would it be? Or what? Misa only had a handful of minutes left, but no one had yet confronted her.

An accident, then?

Rem's eyes searched the streets, becoming more frantic as each minute went by. When Misa stopped at a crowded intersection, her panic grew, and she kept a careful watch on all the cars speeding past.

She waited, ready at any moment to save Misa from any oncoming danger, but in spite of her fears, as she waited the danger presented by the traffic seemed to lessen. The cars all slowed, and Misa made her way safely across the road.

If not a vehicle, then what could it be? Misa now had only less than a minute remaining.

Rem's eyes went quickly from the road to the pedestrians to the shops and buildings, and then back to the road again. Nothing presented itself as an immediate danger, but all it would take was the mistake of one speeding car to end Misa's life, and so Rem kept her eyes most often on the road. Indeed, she spent her time worrying so much over the traffic that she almost missed it when it finally did happen.

On a balcony a few stories above, a child was playing with a remote-controlled toy. She had set a large rock a small distance from it on top of the railing, and was directing the toy towards it with the remote. When it neared the rock, she pressed a button, and the toy's robotic arm lifted up, making shooting sounds to accompany the motion. She gave a delighted laugh, before a gust of wind suddenly unbalanced the toy, and it tipped precariously towards the edge. Before it could fall completely over, however, the girl managed to grab the robot, but in the process of doing so knocked the rock off the balcony instead.

If Rem had not looked a second earlier to see it, it would have been too late.

She scarcely had time to push Misa out of the way before the rock passed unhindered through Rem's own body and crashed onto the ground, breaking into a dozen smaller pieces; revealing that it was not a really rock at all, but a large geode, and the pale white crystal hidden inside had scattered all about the sidewalk.

Misa turned around, startled by the sound and by Rem's sudden contact. The little girl above squeaked a scared sorry!, before running inside, her toy forgotten behind her.

"Rem...?" Misa asked wonderingly, her eyes moving from Rem to the shattered rock and crystal beneath her, but other than her obvious shock Misa appeared entirely fine. Rem's shoulders sank with relief.

She had done it. She had saved Misa. And she hadn't even needed to use her death note, like Gelus had. Perhaps that meant...

"I wasn't certain if I could, Misa, but I did it," Rem said. "I saved you."

Misa's eyes widened with uncertain comprehension. "You mean like that other shinigami? But then doesn't that mean...?"

"I'm not sure," Rem answered honestly. She looked down at her hands, and then her surroundings, but nothing appeared to have changed in the few moments since Misa's expected time of death. Misa had remained unaffected, and to Rem's eyes her remaining lifespan seemed to have stalled at zero by human measurements.

"I didn't need to use the death note," Rem continued, "but I..."

And then Rem suddenly felt it.

"Rem? Are you alright?" Misa asked when Rem had mysteriously become silent.

But Rem was only barely able to register Misa's question. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to remain as calm as she could knowing that these next few moments would likely be her last.

"Rem? What's happening?"

So it hadn't changed anything. The punishment for extending a human's life, death note or not, was still...

"Rem! You're..." Misa broke off, and the silence filled in the rest of her words for her.

"I guess this is goodbye, Misa," Rem's words came out softly, opening her eyes again. A strange weakness had begun to overtake her, and it was something she knew she would never be able to recover from.

Rem wondered if she looked how Gelus had at his end, and felt sorry that Misa had to see it, if so. With each passing second Rem felt the weakness taking over, at the same time as the city around her appeared to grow brighter. Everything was blurring, blending into each other, and she felt suddenly dizzy from it. She looked up, only to be blinded by the sky instead, and lowered her head again.

Everything made her feel so tired.

She heard Misa's voice again, but it was far away now. She could no longer see Misa's worried expression, or see if her lifespan had remained frozen or increased again, but she didn't need to see it to know that her own life had not been wasted.

Her vision gradually darkened until even the brightness of the sunlight had faded from her senses.

Yes, everything would be alright now. She would not need to worry anymore.

L would keep his promise.

Misa had watched with a mixture of horror and morbid wonder as Rem appeared to disintegrate before her eyes until only a powdery substance and a black notebook remained.

She remained fixed there for an astonished moment, but when nothing else seemed to happen, she walked over to where Rem had been and picked up the death note, gently shaking off the substance beneath it. Rem's remains. Other people walking past made a circle around her, avoiding the area where the fragments of geode lied freshly shattered. That is, every person except one.

"I will be taking that, Misa."

Misa almost jumped, and looked up from the death note. When she saw who it was, she swallowed, and sent an uneasy glance to the notebook again before responding.

"Why did Rem have an extra notebook? Doesn't Light have hers?" Misa had known for a while now that Rem had not really been dead—until now at least—but she had not thought about what that meant for Light's death note. She had just assumed that it was Rem's whether she had died or not, but now she wasn't so sure.

"Rem kept an additional death note aside from the one she gave Light when she pretended to die. For reasons I hope you understand, I will be keeping this one."

Misa wondered why Rem had kept the third notebook secret from her when she had never seen it before, but nodded anyway after a moment, and reluctantly handed the notebook to L. "I understand."

Using a small cloth as a barrier between his hand and the death note, L took the notebook delicately between his thumb and forefinger, holding it out to his side.

"How much longer do I have to keep doing this, Ryuzaki?" Misa asked suddenly. "I can't keep lying to Light like this."

"It won't be long, now," L said, and though his expression was cool, his tone was reassuring. "I promise you will both be safe, as long as you continue to do what has been agreed upon."

Her eyes fell down to Rem's remains and the fragments of rock and crystal lying scattered about. "I wish there was another way."

"Even if there was, it still wouldn't change anything."

When she looked up again, L had already left. She was only able to see his back for a brief moment before he had turned and disappeared around a corner. She let out a breath of air she had been holding, and then turned in the opposite direction, walking slowly, silent now as she made her way back to the apartment where Light would be.

One year later.

It was late in the afternoon, and Light and L were sitting at a coffee shop, the same one that Light had suggested they go to all that time ago; when Light had still been Kira, and L had offered to let him help with the Kira investigation. The place had changed little since then, and even the same secluded booth had been available when they arrived there.

Light had finished a small meal and was sipping at his coffee while L slowly worked at a layered piece of chocolate cake containing a strawberry filling and an exuberant amount of icing and chocolate curls. At first, their discussion had focused on Light's studies since his return to To-Oh university, and they had conversed on that a little while, but before long the topic had switched to a more serious discussion about Light's family instead.

"I still worry about my father," Light admitted. "He never brings it up, and acts as if nothing is wrong, or tries to, but my mother can tell he's different now."

"Yes, I doubt he'll ever be the same," L agreed, cutting into his cake with the side of his fork.

"That doesn't make me feel any better, Ryuzaki," Light admonished, adopting L's old pseudonym in public.

"Oh." L looked up from his cake. "Then... He'll come around?"

Light smiled a little and shook his head. "No, you may as well say what you really think."

"Whether he can forgive you or not isn't the problem," L continued, forgetting his cake for the moment. "I think he's finding it hardest to forgive himself. As a parent, he thinks he's done something wrong, and will always have that doubt, even though he knows it isn't really true. Out of all of us, he probably has it the hardest."

Light stared down at his coffee as L spoke, mouth drawn. "I know. I just wish there was something I could do. I wish I had never..."

"I can't be helped now. But he still loves you, Light."

"I just worry about him. His health hasn't always been the best."

"He'll be alright. Your father is strong. If you'd like, though, I could talk to him again."

Light remembered his coffee, and brought the cup to his mouth while he considered L's offer. "No, you don't need to."

There was a momentary silence between them before L spoke up again.

"You've told me about your father, but how are you doing, Light?"

Light was somewhat hesitant to answer. As a form of habit he usually avoided answering honestly when such questions were directed at him, and it wasn't as if he was alone in that behavior. Most people lied when asked how they were. Which was why his words surprised him all the more when he finally did answer, and he realized they were sincere, and not just meant to be a false reassurance.

"I'm... fine," he said. "As good as can be expected, knowing my past, and the person I was. Most of my thoughts of that time are unclear to me of course, but even so, I still remember some of the thoughts I used to have."

L sent him a curious look. "You remember your thoughts as Kira?"

"No, not like that—just some of the feelings he had before that I shared with him. It's hard to explain exactly... But I've been trying to see things differently from how I used to."

"In what way?"

Light sat back in his seat, his eyes going distant as he recalled his life over the past several years, or what he remembered of it. "I used to think the world was rotting," he began after a length of silence. "That it needed to be saved. I can still remember thinking like that, anyway. But I realize now that that was a faulty way to think about it. The world isn't rotting—it's not diseased, or healthy, or good, or anything else. It just is. So for me to have tried to force it to be one thing was foolish."

He paused as a couple passed by them on their way out of the coffee shop.

"The world isn't a place that needs looking after," he continued once they had gone, leaning forward as he spoke, "to be punished or rewarded by some outside force. Humanity is imperfect, sure, but it needs to learn to stand on its own if it's going to make any real progress. It can't be forced, like I was trying to do. Because once an entity like Kira looks after the world, people learn only to rely on it, and not themselves. And in the end such a false sense of security does more harm than good. It only makes civilization weaker instead."

L hummed. "That's an interesting perspective, Light. I like it."

"You agree, then?"

"Mostly. But I don't think you were wrong when you thought the world was rotting."

Light blinked, surprised to hear L of all people admit such a thing. Then again, perhaps it wasn't so surprising coming from him.

"It is rotting, and it is corrupt, and terrible things do happen in it," L continued. "But it is healthy and good and everything else, too. Nothing ever cancels anything else out. The world would be pretty boring if it 'just was,' wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," Light said. "I guess it would."

L went back to his cake, and Light watched him for a moment in thought.

"So is there a reason for you coming back to Japan other than to check up on me?" he asked, a hand returning nonchalantly to his coffee cup.

"I was just about to bring it up, actually," L said without looking over at him. "I am working on a case at the moment that might be of interest you."

"Oh? Here in Tokyo?"

"Yes, partly, which is where your help would be of use to me if you are not otherwise occupied. Are you interested?"

"Of course," Light said without hesitation. "School shouldn't be an issue."

"Good. It would be hard to explain everything here without my computer, though, but we can discuss it more later at the hotel if you like. Watari is here as well."

"Tonight, then?"

"That would be ideal."

"How is he, by the way?"

"Watari?" L seemed puzzled for a second at the question. "He is well. He's never had any serious health problems to be concerned with, thankfully. But even so, his age is becoming more apparent of late."

There was no true note of concern in L's tone, but Light's mouth formed an uncomfortable line at the words, and his mind turned to the thoughts he had kept hidden until now. He debated whether or not to say what had been on his mind all these months, about a decision he had come to and could not reason himself out of no matter how he had tried, that ran the risk of ruining everything if he ever actually said it. But he knew he would have to reveal his decision at some point, and it would only be more difficult for the both of them the longer he refrained from saying it.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Ryuzaki," he said abruptly, before he lost the courage to continue. "And it's probably best if I say it now rather than later."

L looked up curiously, but was silent as he waited for Light to continue.

"I know what we've agreed to before, and I still want to help you work on cases for now, and help train the Wammy students..." He took a deep breath to steel himself. "But eventually, Ryuzaki, I'd like to work on my own."

"Oh?" L said belatedly. "If you want, I could have you take the name of Deneuve, or one of my other aliases."

"That's not what I had in mind, exactly," Light said, hesitating a moment before clarifying. "I want to make my own path. Create a new name. Alone." He paused, staring over at L. "Is that okay?" There was always the unsaid 'I was Kira, and you could turn me in anytime if you wanted, so is it alright to do this?' L had the upper hand here, even if he'd never yet used it to threaten Light since he had lost his memories.

"But Light, if you do that..."

Light felt his stomach sinking, but held his gaze resolutely as he waited for L to finish.

"Who will be the one to keep me in check once Watari retires?"

He relaxed a little when he realized that was all L was going to say. "I'm sure you'll be able to handle yourself, Ryuzaki," he replied. "I want to do this."

For another long and tortuous moment, L did not speak, and Light waited anxiously for his next words.

"Alright. But I should warn you that my other three aliases were also once real detectives. It's a story for another time, but to sum it up: I can be very competitive."

Light sat back in his chair, feeling suddenly as if a large portion of the weight had been lifted off him. His uneasiness subsided, and instead of feeling some sort of trepidation at L's final statement, he took the opportunity to smile at the challenge instead.

"Perhaps you could use some real competition, then."

"Perhaps."

Light suddenly felt his cell phone vibrate with a text, startling him from his thoughts, and he reached down and took it out of his pocket. He read the message on the screen, and let out a small but detectable sigh, then typed something quickly in response before placing it back into his pocket.

"What is it?"

"It's nothing. Just Misa."

"Oh? Did you have other plans?"

Light's phone vibrated again, but he didn't move to check it. "I guess it slipped my mind."

"I won't keep you, then."

"No," he shook his head. "It's fine. I can meet with her tomorrow." Doubt slid into his features. "That is, if you still want me to help with the case."

"Of course I do," L said, his tone unreadable. "You two are still dating, then?"

"No, but she thinks so. She still thinks we're getting married."

"Who would have given her that idea?"

"An idiot," Light muttered, shaking his head. "I think I can still remember saying it, too, but I can't remember for the life of me why I had thought it was a good idea. I used her, and now..." He sighed and took a final sip of his cold coffee. "The least I can do is be around her if she wants. But I won't marry out of pity."

L was watching him with an expression that was quickly becoming familiar to Light, and he waited for the words to come, although it had only happened once or twice before then.

"You really are different from before."

Light had also come to realize that he disliked it whenever it did happen.

"Stop saying that. It still doesn't make sense to me how I became so different. I should be held accountable for my actions, even if I can't remember them. Half the time I'm grateful to you, but the other half I know I should be getting punished, even if I don't remember doing any of it."

"But I already told you about the influence of the death notes. It ruined you, Light. The shinigami are the real ones at fault for allowing humans come into possession of such things."

"I don't know if I can believe you, Ryuzaki. Part of me still thinks that I was capable of doing it all on my own, and that you're just making it up so my father and the others will accept it."

"Why would I make it up?"

"I don't know. Some of the things you do I will never understand. But you've worked with criminals before," Light said, alluding to Aiber and Wedy. "So if there was a reason for you to keep even someone who had been Kira around, I think you'd be capable of doing it."

"Then tell me, if you came across a death note today, what would you do with it?"

"Well it's obvious the first time what I did with it."

"Yes, but what would you do now? If it had no corrupting powers, as you argue, but was completely by your choice?"

"I..." Light paused then to seriously consider the question. It took him longer than he expected to come up with an answer, which should have been a little concerning, but when he did finally speak there was no trace of doubt left in his voice. "I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I would burn it. That is all," he said, his eyes meeting L's. "What would you have done, if it had been you?"

"Hm, I've thought about that a lot," L replied, moving a stray piece of icing around with his fork, and then looked up to Light. "What do you think?"

"Me? I'm not sure..."

"Make a guess, then."

Light looked off in thought, but this time it didn't take long for him to come up with an answer.

"Used it once, and then destroyed it."

L made a neutral sound in response, seeming more interested in finishing his cake.

"Well?" Light prodded. "Am I right?"

L shrugged. "Probably," he said, as he balanced the last bit of cake on his fork. "You usually are with such things."

They left soon afterward, deciding to walk to the hotel since it was relatively close by. They had just made their way out of the coffee shop when they heard two people conversing at a table set just outside the entrance.

"I think they both killed each other, and it was just a cover-up," said one, a woman probably somewhere in her thirties, with a coffee in front of her. "The current L is a fake, nothing more."

"Then how do you explain the criminals who were supposedly killed that keep on turning up now?" said the other, a man that looked of a similar age, with a smaller drink of his own. "Kira was never real, and that's that. It was just a cover for a mass conspiracy to decrease crime rate around the world. Why they stopped is the real question. Corruption from within? Who knows, maybe this is just a momentary lapse, and in the future they will start up again."

"No, it's obvious they are just trying to hide Kira's work by making it look like it was fake. Sure, some of the criminals were paid or blackmailed or whatever to appear dead, but a lot of them were actually killed by some unexplainable power," the woman said.

"—Say the people who want you to think the deaths are unexplainable."

The woman continued as if she hadn't heard him. "Or maybe it's Kira that has everyone fooled. Maybe he's only testing us right now, and someday he will return to place judgment on the world."

"You sound like one of those Kira worshipers," the man said. "Didn't you just say you thought he was dead, anyway?

"I'm just proposing ideas, is all."

"Well I'll have to see it before I believe any of that. Until then, Kira is just a lie that was created to draw attention away from the real organization behind it."

Even a year after the end of the murders, Kira was still the one of the most popular topics of discussion, and would no doubt remain so for a long time into the future. Light pretended not to hear them as they passed by, and acted like he did not notice when L sent him a sideways glance. They both continued silently down the street, the shadows slowly growing as the sun set behind the buildings.

"Are you sure you still want me to help you with this case?" he found himself asking again, still uncertain how L felt about his earlier admission.

"If I wasn't, I would have said so."

L didn't say anything more, and Light decided to let it be for now. As they walked, the shadows continued to grow, and it was not long before the city was enveloped in dusk. They were passing by a darkened alley when L suddenly stopped in his tracks, stiffening with something that that Light had no better way to describe as other than complete and unexpected fright.

"L? What's wrong?" He looked where L's focus had been drawn, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary; only a few plastic crates, bicycles, garbage bins, and some overgrown vegetation, although the last of these cast an unusual silhouette above them now that the sun had left.

But L's fright had lasted only for a moment before he blinked, and shook his head, all traces of his former emotion gone.

"Nothing. My eyes were just playing tricks on me."

He turned back to the sidewalk and resumed walking as if nothing had happened. But something about L's reaction compelled Light to ask him something further. Something he had never given Light a good answer to.

"Why did you do it?"

L stopped when he realized Light was no longer following him, but didn't answer.

"Why did you really save me?"

L turned around to face Light, but after a moment his eyes drifted away, either in thought or in silent avoidance.

"There were many reasons, Light."

"So you've said." It was always a variation of that same answer. Even though L had given an explanation to Light about how he had formed his plan in part because of a shinigami called Rem, his motives had always remained somewhat of a mystery to him. Perhaps it was because Light had to look at it from the eyes of an outsider that he still felt doubtful of the reasons for L's actions—Light had not even seen a shinigami since his memories had been lost; he had only the evidence of Kira's actions to affirm their existence. It wasn't so much that he doubted they were real, but it was one thing to learn about them secondhand, and another thing to actually witness one.

The fact was that without his memories he would never be able to understand everything as completely as he would have otherwise. And even if he was given the option, he wasn't sure if he'd want to.

Still, he had hoped that L would be more forthcoming with his reasons for handling Kira the way he had. If he was really honest with himself, though, the truth was he didn't know what exactly he wanted L to tell him, and he doubted there was anything he could say that would make Light understand or accept what had happened any more than he already did.

Light sighed, shaking his head when L still had not answered. "Forget I asked."

L's eyes were still focused away from him, and Light realized he was looking back at the alley which had spooked him only moments before. He didn't look disturbed by it this time, though, and seemed only deep in thought, and Light followed his gaze once more. If L had somehow mistaken the large silhouette of the vegetation for a shinigami, as Light suspected, then he was not sure he would ever want to encounter one, though he had often thought of what he would say to one if he did.

He was about to suggest they start moving again when L broke the silence, with words as sudden as they were sincere.

"I did it because I like that you're alive, and I didn't want to lose you."

Light froze where he was at the abrupt admittance, all thoughts of Kira and the shinigami and the death notes leaving his mind. He had honestly never expected L to give him such an answer, and when he looked back to where L was, he didn't look like he had been expecting the words either.

"I know I shouldn't, but I think I actually believe you this time," Light said when he had finally recovered somewhat. He realized he was smiling a little, though it was more from shock than anything else.

L shifted his feet, looking out of place. He always managed to appear uncomfortable whenever he was out in public, and the shoelaces hanging from his untied shoes weren't a helping factor at the moment. But as long as L was being somewhat sincere, Light figured he might say something as well.

"I'm glad I didn't lose you, either, L. No matter what I might have said."

L looked at him, his eyes unreadable once more.

"You wished for my life to be a living hell."

Well, sincerity could go both ways, after all.

"I probably meant it, too," Light conceded. "But it doesn't matter, now."

"No. I guess it doesn't."

"So about that case you're working on..."

"Yes." L brightened, though there was little change in his outward appearance. "I can't say much about it here, but I think you'll like this one."

He started walking again, and Light followed along with him, the alley behind them soon forgotten.

"Here are the basics of it..."

A/N: I like to think of this as the "happy ending" version of Death Note. L lives, Light lives, and Kira is still punished in the end (I'll leave it up to you to decide when Ryuk returns). I suppose I thought of this when I realized that although Light's plan went perfectly in the manga and anime (until the end, of course), there were so many instances when it might have gone wrong. But if he did lose to L, what would make the story more interesting rather than just having him punished straightaway? Then this story was born... I hope it's believable enough. I know it was a bit of a stretch to have L gain Rem's trust so quickly, and for L to make the plan he did, but I wanted L's death to appear like how it actually happened, and couldn't think of another way for it to progress as closely as possible to the original series.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you for being patient, and for all the nice reviews that you have given!