Evangelion Sauce

The Evangelion story retold with a dash of sauce. What kind of sauce, you may ask? Well, I don't know, to be honest. That leaves no hope for the rest of you.

This fic is inspired partly by the global reccession and partly by my impulsive randomness so do enjoy.

This 1st chapter is a testbed for this fic. I would like to know from you keen readers whether this is worth continuing or not so do review with your valued opinions! If it proves not to be worth the effort/hours/air/blood/sweat/tears then I'll probably discontinue this as it was random and impulsive and I'll continue with my other fics. Otherwise, I'll be taking this up as well!

Disclaimer: Evangelion and any other commerical brands and franchises I may have mentioned in this fic don't belong to me. I don't get paid for this.

Chapter 1: A Bad Year For Real Estate Agents

There had never been a worse time to be a real estate agent in Tokyo-3 than the year 2015. Along with plummeting house and land prices along with a demand which was among the heavenly departed, real estate agent suicides were at an all time high. It was also a bad time for property developers. In Tokyo-3 you were guaranteed to lose money or even lose the property if you were really unlucky and as a property developer, such a no win situation was never satisfactory. However, such times of crisis even allow their fair share winners. Sales of citywide alarms and air raid sirens had skyrocketed, providing small fortunes for those lucky enough to be in that trade. Construction firms were also building their way to pay day with so many buildings getting destroyed, there was always a need to replace the lost structures or even build new ones altogether. Infrastructure was also a favourite of the construction trade to replace as they kept the cash flowing. The fact that many of the residential buildings never sold was of no concern to the construction firms; they had done their jobs and got the cheque to prove it.

More winners included the defence contractors and their associated firms. With demand for tanks, aircraft and weapons at an all time high in a terror that has stricken the entire planet, when you made a gun, someone was sure to buy it. In the USA, there are 5 times more guns than people due to people turning to the good old 2nd Amendment of the Constitution in order to defend themselves and the people who made those guns were all smiles because the goods they provided were sold at full price which meant the food goes on the table. What most unsuspecting gun owners didn't realise was that a $10 revolver bought at your local supermarket wasn't really going to be of much use against the enemies the world was up against these days. However, in the usual fashion of American ignorance, the citizens bore arms anyway and, let's be honest, who's to stop them?

Ironically, one of the losers has been the military. They too, are completely ineffective in dealing with the current threat to global security and the fate of mankind. Such is the ineffectiveness of the military against the Angel menace which causes the destruction of millions of dollars worth of military equipment which calls for the replacement of the annihilated hardware. Thus, a vicious circle is formed where the military keeps losing and defence contractors keep winning. Young men and women die to give the corporation bosses their bonuses which, with all things considered, is status quo, really. Another winner of this global crisis, oddly enough, are plush doll makers, especially of the 'kawaii' variety. This one is a real conundrum and many think tanks and panel upon panel of economic experts have no idea why people are buying more plush dolls. Some theorised that maybe having such a doll can brighten your day when your home is destroyed by a wayward positron rifle shot. Others simply shrug their shoulders and give an honest, 'I don't know'.

A major loser of this crisis has been the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. A boy of a shy disposition, being forced to pilot a giant robot you have never seen or heard of by your father, who you haven't spoken to in three years, to kill a giant, black, walking monster which has already proven to be impervious to tactical non-nuclear weapons would immediately place you on the 'losers' list for the 2015 session. Despite defeating the angel, Shinji Ikari unfortunately is most definitely a loser. A lonely child with a deceased mother and a father who abandoned him at a young age, Shinji has always regarded that loser spirit close to his heart. Socially reclusive, Shinji has also found it difficult to make friends and score chicks. His odd relationship with his father also raises the question; is Gendo Ikari really just a big old asshole or is Shinji just a wimp?

"The angel self-destructing damaged a lot of the surrounding city," Ritsuko Akagi noted, softly nibbling at the end of the pen she held firmly in her right hand.

"Don't tell me…?" Captain Misato Katsuragi uttered with a beleaguered expression consuming her face. "…Damage reports?"

"And most probably a casualty report…No, make that definitely a casualty report. There were some people in the buildings that were vaporised by the explosion," Ritsuko noted, rather deadpan as well considering the loss of innocent life.

"Aye-yi-yi," was all Misato could produce from her mouth in her deflated mood. "How about Shinji? Has he woken up yet?"

"Not yet," Ritsuko replied. "You know, I always wondered whether Shinji would have it in him. He didn't. He got the crap kicked out of him and Unit 01."

"Cut him some slack, it was his first time," Misato pointed out with a depressed sigh at the prospect of doing paperwork in the near future. "We were lucky enough that he chose to pilot it. There was no other pilot."

Well, actually, there was another pilot. Rei Ayanami if names are to be mentioned. However, she was in no fit state to pilot having been forcefully ejected from a berserk Unit 00, causing her some pretty grievous bodily harm. That didn't stop Gendo from having her ready just in case Shinji backed down which seems rather ungainly considering she was bound to a hospital bed. What is clear is that a clear sense of logic is not one of the requirements for NERV commander.

On the subject of the NERV commander, one must admire his ruthlessness in attaining what he desires, very much at the expense of his minions. Yet if one of his minions were to hypothetically disagree with Gendo then all the NERV commander would need to do was to ask for a better idea at which point said minion would be screwed. Considering the case in point, assuming Shinji had refused to pilot Unit 01, all Gendo would have to say is, "Got a better idea?" Shinji would be incapable of answering that question as logically, the best thing to go against a giant monster would be a giant robot. Yet nobody had expected for Unit 01 to go berserk like it did. Well, maybe Gendo did. He does seem to know most of NERV's dark and dirty secrets, if not all.

In a far corner of NERV's medical wing, the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 opened his eyes slowly to reveal that he wasn't inside a giant robot anymore. His memory of the incident was somewhat frayed but he did remember receiving an ass-whipping, for lack of an appropriate term. Still, he was alive and well it seemed although he had no idea where he was. A TV could be heard somewhere in the distance playing some talk show or another. Shinji paid no heed to it and simply looked up at the ceiling, which was very unfamiliar to him. The significance of the unfamiliar ceiling was lost on Shinji but he still stared up at it regardless. It held no answers but Shinji had no questions for the ceiling. He would simply let it be and it was likewise for the ceiling.

"Finally awake?" Misato asked jauntily. Shinji slowly turned to face this woman he barely knew, not saying anything as his downtrodden expression could say what words couldn't for him. "I thought I should pay you a visit after what you did," Misato added. "You did a good thing last night Shinji. We're proud of you." Shinji nodded, not really knowing what to say before turning away and wrapping the hospital blanket tighter around himself. It wasn't cold by any stretch of the imagination but Misato saw the sign the Shinji wanted to be left alone. "When you're ready, the hospital will discharge you," Misato said before parting ways with the 14 year old. Shinji wasn't sure what ready was but something told him his life would be changing a fair bit from this day onwards, much like the state of society and the economy in this part of Japan and the country in general. It was appealing for holiday makers with the all-year round summer. However, it was rather less enticing for those wishing to avoid death by Angel.

Shinji found himself in Misato's living room, not quite knowing what to make of it. His only other roommate was a genetically enhanced penguin and he didn't know if the penguin would serve as a suitable friend, being of a different species and all. That left Misato who was seemingly on a mission to consume copious amounts of beer in front of Shinji while explaining responsibilities of all things to him. The irony was sadly lost on Shinji. "So those are the chores that I would probably expect you to do," Misato said before finishing yet another can of lager.

"Isn't that…every possible chore in the house?" Shinji inquired nervously, unsure whether he was doing the right thing by speaking up or simply on the way to offending his new guardian with the implication that she was a lazy alcoholic.

"Yup," Misato replied gleefully. "I expect you to do anything and everything. Except drink. Leave that to me."

"I didn't say I wanted to…"

"Good! That leaves all the beer to me!" Misato said, content that she could strike a hard bargain. "Hey, why don't you lighten up? Without me, you'd be living in some crappy NERV allocated accommodation that would just be terribly dreary!"

Shinji's only viable response was to slowly turn his head towards Misato's living room. Misato responded by doing the same only to see that her flat was messy to many, many orders of magnitude. The piles of bin bags, empty beer cans, dishes, bowls, the odd fork in the wall and scattered piles of paperwork caused Misato to rethink her position on Shinji's choice of accommodation. "Um…okay, so my place is a little messy but you'd be living on your own otherwise," Misato said, laughing nervously. "Could I tempt you with beer?"

"I thought you wanted it all for yourself," Shinji muttered.

"Well, since you are dissatisfied with the cleanliness of the property, I might have to reconsider my position," Misato pointed out.

"It's okay," Shinji said. "I might just go to bed now."

"What?! Bed?! No way! There are some things you can do but going to bed now at this hour is totally unacceptable!" Misato cried, standing up out of her seat in such a way that her chair flew away backwards.

"It…is?" Shinji asked, very afraid that he had now truly offended his guardian.

"Yes! I bought a Nintendo Wii the other day and ever since I found out that penguins can't play the Wii, I've been looking for someone to play it with! You're not going to bed until you play it for at least 6 hours!" Misato implored loudly.

"But it's half past ten," Shinji said.

"Excuses! Come on, we're going to play the Wii until the early hours of the morning!" Misato declared.

Shinji had no choice by this point. He was afraid to make the suggestion that Misato was drunk which meant he would be playing the Wii whether he liked it or not. "The TV is new as well," Misato chirped gleefully. "60 inches of viewing pleasure!"

"Is a TV this big necessary?" Shinji asked.

"Of course not!" Misato shot back. "But it's nice to have!"

"Nice…" Shinji said to himself quietly. "Something nice…"

"I have Wii Play and Wii Sports which means hours of endless fun!" Misato said. "I hope you have your game face on!"

"I've…I've never played a Wii before," Shinji said.

"What?!" Misato yelled in sheer surprise. "Well then, you're going to looooove this! Get ready for the time of your life!"

Misato's punctuality record during her period of employment with NERV has immaculate with her never having arrived late for one day of work. Today was no different with Misato arriving a full ten minutes early for her shift. Some may wonder however if sleeping at one's desk can fully count as 'working'. Individuals like a certain Dr Ritsuko Akagi are more than happy to argue that it certainly isn't. "Misato?" she asked.

"Hmm…what? Is there an angel attack?" Misato murmured.

"No, I'm just wondering why you're asleep at your desk, that's all," Ritsuko chuckled, placing a well needed coffee at Misato's side.

"I was playing the Wii until late last night," Misato said, slowly dragging her face across the desk, closer and closer to the coffee.

"The Wii?" Ritsuko asked. "Nintendo Wii right? The games console?"

"That's right," Misato replied, now attempting to get her mouth at the right level of elevation in order to consume the coffee. "I got Shinji to play it as well."

"Oh yeah, it was Shinji's first day at your place. Has he been thoroughly scarred mentally by the experience yet?"

"Shut up," Misato snapped, deciding it was advisable getting up and using her hands to drink the coffee. "For your information, we had a blast and Shinji really got competitive playing the Wii. Um…I do think I accidentally hit him in the face a few times but that's beside the point!"

"Good to know things got off to a good start then."

"One thing surprised me though. Shinji's reactions and coordination are really top notch when he was playing. He sure was concentrating hard," Misato noted.

"Hmm…" Ritsuko said. "How much is a Nintendo Wii?"

"Not much these days," Misato replied.

"Are they within NERV's surplus budget?" Ritsuko inquired next.

"NERV has a surplus budget?" Misato said with a perplex look on her tired face.

"Yes. Didn't you know that? It's for any miscellaneous material or equipment we might require," Ritsuko explained.

"Can I get extra pay from it?"

"No."

"Damn it."

"Well, how many Wiis could I get for a month's allowance of 250 million yen?"

"Enough," Misato replied. "Why do you ask anyway?"

"I have an idea," Ritsuko said, leaving Misato alone to the prospects of coffee, sleep and possibly paperwork although the likelihood of the very latter remained remote.

Tokyo-3's education was well regarded in Japan, although pupil numbers have been falling as of late. It is hard to encourage students to work hard when there is a risk of worldwide catastrophe looming over their shoulders. The teachers at Tokyo-3's Junior High School did their utmost to keep pupils motivated and focused on their work. Maybe it would be more advisable to put their full effort into trying to extend the life expectancies of the pupils by advising them to get as far away from Tokyo-3 as possibly but that is the risk some have to take in order to be educated. And it is usual fare for schools to receive more government funding if they have more pupils so that remains a factor in this uncertain global climate.

Shinji found himself at Tokyo-3 Junior High School today and it was his first day of schooling there. However, he remained fatigued by the late night of indulgent playing of the Wii and knew that he would struggle to stay awake. It would hardly be a good first impression for his first day at the school but then again, Shinji never really cared too much for studies, always doing just enough to get by but never enough to stand out. It was just the way he wanted things to be and it suited him well. It wasn't indifference, rather simply trying to keep one to one's self most of the time. Shinji was hoping it would be more of the same here.

Shinji was introduced to the class as per the usual routine and took his allotted seat near the front. Some pupils immediately found that there was something odd about Shinji's arrival however. Common sense would imply that it was not the best choice to move to a city that had been attacked by a giant creature the previous night yet here was a new transfer student, arriving against convention. That made several members of the class quite interested in him, namely one Kensuke Aida.

"I wonder if he's the pilot of that robot," he said, pressing his glasses closer to his face.

"If he is I'll beat the living crap out of him and tear his balls off! Then…then I'm going to shove his balls up his ass so the next time he takes a shit, he'll shit all over his balls!" said his classmate and friend, Toji Suzuhara in sheer rage.

"Eloquent, Toji," Kensuke said with his tongue firmly in cheek. "I know your sister got hurt but isn't that a bit excessive? Besides, I doubt a junior high school student would be the pilot of something so important."

"Just thinking about it makes me mad!" Toji said, tightening his grip on the edge of his desk.

With Toji wishing to abbreviate the lifespan of the Evangelion pilot in question, Shinji found himself making enemies without even realising it. Despite that, he was also blissfully unaware of most things around him, having nearly fallen asleep, using his laptop as a cover. However, a quick beep from the in-built instant messaging program on the school's network brought Shinji back to consciousness. 'Are you the pilot?' was the question asked of Shinji to which he replied 'Yes'. An immediate frenzy ensued which caught the teacher by surprise. He was giving a lecture on the quadratic equation but it was clear to him that the presence of an Evangelion pilot seemed more exciting than this mathematical formula which was fundamental to the study of mathematics. "Jeez…kids these days," he muttered. "Giant robots or quadratic equations and they take giant robots…"

The hype was soon quelled by the teacher who made himself a hate figure by doubling the amount of homework the class had to do for the mid-class chaos that had ensued. Still, that gave Toji Suzuhara even more of a reason to beat the crap out of Shinji. "Take that!" he cried as his fist connected with Shinji's face.

"Was that really necessary?" Kensuke asked, considering the consequences of Toji's actions. "You could get caught."

"Do you think I care about something like that when this asshole nearly killed my sister?!" Toji roared as he looked set to continue the beating.

"Toji, he's not moving."

"I don't care if he's not moving I'll…" Toji continued before what Kensuke said actually registered in his brain. "What did you say?"

"I said he's not moving. I think you knocked him out…or even killed him."

"What?!"

It was true. The impact of Toji's punch had sent Shinji hurtling towards the ground and he had not budged an inch since then. "Holy crap! What should I do?!" Toji asked, suddenly in a panic.

"Don't ask me! You're the one who decided to crack him in the skull with that Neanderthal fist of yours!" Kensuke shot back.

"Should we leave him?"

"Leave him? Then you'd be a murder suspect!"

"But he's not dead!"

"How do you know? He could be!"

"Kensuke, check his pulse!"

"Check his pulse?! I don't know how to check someone's pulse!"

"Damn it, I thought you would! Check if he's breathing!"

"Why should I do anything? You're the one who killed him!"

"Stop making me think I killed him!"

"You did!"

"I did?! Holy shit!"

Toji began running around like a moron while Kensuke laughed until his insides hurt. Toji soon realised what was going on and stopped himself. "Why are you laughing?" Toji said, although it was clear to him that he had been taken for a fool.

"I was kidding when I said you killed him!" Kensuke exclaimed. "There's no way he's dead. See?" Kensuke moved up to Shinji's body to check his breathing, only to find that he couldn't quite make it out. "Huh? He should be breathing…" Kensuke said to himself quietly as he moved even closer. "Holy crap! He really isn't breathing!"

"I'm not falling for that again," Toji muttered indignantly.

"No really! Come and hear it for yourself!" Kensuke cried, grabbing a hold of Toji and dragging him toward Shinji. "Listen!"

Toji focused his ears on Shinji, trying to hear any sound whatsoever. It began to worry him when he heard every sound possible except from Shinji's breath. "I can't hear it!" Toji exclaimed. "What should we do, what should we do?"

"Take him to the school nurse!" Kensuke cried.

"What if he's dead?!" Toji asked in a panic.

"Just say he fell over! Now GO!" Kensuke roared. Toji had no time to question the absurdity of Kensuke's suggestion as they picked up Shinji's limp body and ran through the school with him, causing quite the commotion. If Shinji were to join the deceased, then Toji and Kensuke would forever be known as 'those two guys who carried a dead guy through school' which was admittedly not the most desirable reputation in the world. Upon reaching the nurse's office, the pair frantically knocked on her door and left Shinji in her care, explaining to her that he had stopped breathing. Once he was out of their hands, they waited outside the nurse's office, hoping for some good news.

Within a minute, the nurse emerged from her office with an unimpressed look on her face. "I don't know what you boys are yelling about. He was simply asleep. He's awake now," she said.

"Asleep…?" both Toji and Kensuke uttered in absolute disbelief.

"That's right. Also, he has a bruise on the left side of his face and he got it very recently. Any idea where that came from?" the nurse inquired next.

"Um…he…" Kensuke began.

"He fell over!" Toji interjected.

"Riiiight," the nurse muttered sceptically. "Anyway, your friend is free to go." Shinji emerged from the office and looked at both Toji and Kensuke with a perplexed expression. "Hehe, I guess we owe you an apology," Toji said uneasily.

The three began walking and Shinji explained everything to Toji and Kensuke which made things very clear and as well as that, made both feel like complete and utter idiots. "So after I hit you and you fell down, you just fell asleep because you were tired from staying up really late the night before?" Toji asked.

"Something like that," Shinji responded before yawning loudly.

"Then how come you weren't breathing?" Kensuke questioned next.

"Maybe I was just breathing quietly," Shinji suggested.

"Well, one thing's for sure; you scared the living crap out of us. We really thought you were dead," Toji said. "But there is one other thing. I can't forgive you for what you did. My sister is in a critical condition in a hospital because of you in that robot thing."

"Evangelion," Kensuke corrected.

"Shut up," Toji snapped. "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I had no intention of hurting anybody and I'm sorry about your sister," Shinji replied lackadaisically. "I just arrived in the city yesterday and I was forced to pilot that thing without even knowing what it was or what I was up against."

"What the…?" Toji said in shock. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah…" Shinji answered before yawning once more. "I don't even remember most of it. It was a mess."

"Whoa…" Toji said.

"Maybe you should cut this guy some slack," Kensuke noted.

"Maybe I should," Toji agreed before turning to face Shinji. "New guy! I want you to punch me!"

"What?" Shinji asked feebly.

"Punch me! It's retribution for me hitting you!" Toji declared. "Do it, or my honour will not be restored!"

"Uh…okay," Shinji said before belting Toji with a clean right hook.

"Wow! That was a cracker!" Kensuke cried.

"Argh…you're telling me," Toji said, clutching his face. "Well, that's us even!"

"Okay…can I find somewhere to sleep now?" Shinji asked.

"Not until you tell me your name!" Toji said.

"Shinji Ikari," was the tired reply.

"I'm Toji Suzuhara!"

"And I'm Kensuke Aida!"

"Nice to meet you…two…" Shinji said before wondering back into the school much in the manner of a zombie.

After arriving back at Misato's flat, Shinji saw that Misato was already back home having obviously finished her work early for the day. "How was your first day at school?" she inquired of the teenager.

"Some guys thought they killed me," Shinji replied sleepily before trudging off to his room. His response left a blank look on Misato's face as she wasn't expecting an answer quite as obscure as the one she had just received. "Strange kid," Misato said to herself before continuing to flick through TV channels.

Back at NERV, Ritsuko held a Wii remote and Nunchuk in her hand, running a complex computer simulation in which some of the Eva's motions were controlled by the Wii controllers. Ritsuko bit her lip, determined to make the motions as fluid and natural as possible. Beside her were 58 other Nintendo Wii consoles, along with the additional Nunchuks for each and Ritsuko fully intended to take one of them home with her. Despite the money being spent from NERV's surplus budget, Ritsuko didn't feel guilty at all for the free games console. She would have to buy the games on her own which was all right in her mind. With her skewed sense of morality by her side, Ritsuko continued twiddling with the code, knowing she would have a long day and possibly night ahead of her.

Dr Ritsuko Akagi was the kind of worker most companies dreamed to have. As well as being highly qualified for her post, she would work excessive overtime while at the same time, not bothering to ask for the pay for those extra hours worked. Such selflessness was highly appreciated by CEOs and managers and they would repay such good work by doing absolutely nothing at all and getting richer from the increase in productivity. With NERV being a non-profit organisation, the benefits of Ritsuko working silly amounts of overtime would be that there was less chance that mankind would cease to exist so in this case, there were 3 billion winners, i.e.: the post Second Impact population of planet Earth.

After an intense overnight shift which Ritsuko wasn't meant to work, she took two steps backwards from the modified Wii console in front of her and nodded her head. The first version of her code for using the Wii Remote and the Nunchuk as control inputs for Unit 01 were complete. All she needed was to install it into Unit 01 and see if Shinji could utilise it. If everything went smoothly, she would take the good and bad points from the test and improve the programming for the system. If it flopped completely then she wasted a night she could have spent at home, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine whilst stroking her cats. However, she was quietly confident it would work.

"Good morning Ritsuko!" Misato chirped. "You're here early."

"I was in all night," Ritsuko replied flatly. "Is Shinji in?"

"You were in…all…night?" Misato asked with a quiet, horrified tone.

"Yes. Is Shinji in?" Ritsuko asked again.

"No, he's at school," Misato answered.

"When is he next meant to be in NERV?"

"Well, we can have him come in after school today."

"See to it that it is done. I'm going to sleep. If an angel attacks and you don't need me, don't wake me up," Ritsuko requested before walking off.

"Strange woman," Misato noted with a raised eyebrow.

Misato was the complete opposite in terms of work ethic. If there was an opportunity to leave early or to not do anything at all, Misato would take it without thinking about any consequences such as being fired for being lazy and incompetent. Well, perhaps incompetent is misused in the context of Misato Katsuragi. She could do her job and she could do it damn well when she chose to do it. It was just that most of the time when matters aren't as pressing as when an Angel is trying to obliterate the human species, Misato would rather spend an hour on Facebook than spend an hour filling in damage reports or her daily report. Incidentally, her daily report had never been filled in once since she had begun working at NERV until the first Angel attack which prompted her to fill out a daily report. She didn't fill one in the day after the Angel attack as nothing interesting happened and seeing that a friend of her's status on Facebook had changed from 'single' to 'in a relationship' was much more fulfilling than doing the boring part of her job.

Shinji found himself back in NERV after school, albeit in a less essential capacity, and wondered what the day held in store for him. He changed into his plug suit as requested and moved to the simulation chamber where Unit 01 had been moved in order for today's test to be conducted. "How do you feel?" Dr Akagi inquired was Shinji was inside Unit 01.

"It…it smells like blood," Shinji noted.

"Um…okay," Ritsuko said uneasily. "Nothing an LCL soluble air freshener can't solve."

"Ritsuko, that makes no sense," Misato noted. "Why would you use an air freshener for liquid like LCL?"

"Um…I don't know. I'm just trying to keep a conversation going," Ritsuko said sheepishly.

"Just do whatever you're here to do. Time is money," Misato pointed out.

"Says the person who spent half an hour yesterday trying to log into my Facebook account so that you could 'rape' it," Ritsuko scoffed.

"Hey, if you've ever raped someone's Facebook account, you'll know that the end product is hilarious," Misato said.

"You give yourself far too much spare time," Ritsuko said with an added sigh at the end. "Okay Shinji, look inside your entry plug. You should find a Wii Remote and Nunchuk."

"A Wii Remote…and Nunchuk…?" Shinji asked with a slight level of disbelief.

"That's right. A Wii Remote and Nunchuk. Pick them up and get ready for me to start the simulation," Ritsuko replied.

Shinji did as he was told and reluctantly picked up the Wii Controllers. "Okay, the simulation should be running," Ritsuko said. "Now walking will be controlled using the usual method but the arms will be controlled with a combination of the A10 neural connection and the Wii Controllers. Do you understand?"

"I…think so," Shinji replied feebly.

"Admit it; you wanted to say 'no' but didn't have the balls," Misato muttered dryly.

"Shut up," Ritsuko snapped. "Anyway, Shinji try and move your arms."

It was a simple request but as Shinji hadn't quite got the hang of piloting the Eva, it took several attempts to move into full gear. Once he had achieved that, he was moving his arms very freely indeed. "Maya, what's his sync ratio?" Ritsuko inquired.

"It's holding steady at 50 percent," Maya Ibuki replied.

"That's amazing. Such precise arm movement at only 50 percent sync," Ritsuko noted. "Okay Shinji, I'm going to introduce an arbitrary object into the simulation. I want you to pick it up, and throw it."

As with most tests in the Evangelion, this simple task was just one of hundreds which Shinji had to go through over the course of two hours. From picking objects up to a virtual game of Connect 4, Shinji had to do it all. There was even a simulation of which involved Unit 01 holding a Wii Remote and Nunchuk using the Wii Remote and Nunchuk combination from within the entry plug which Shinji found even more pointless than any of the other tests he had performed. The final test was a simulated game of tennis where Shinji had to combine foot movements and arm movements to hit back the virtual ball. He enjoyed this one the most because he was doing something that was actually mentally stimulating, rather than something that was slowing steeping him closer to mental retardation.

"Okay Shinji. That's it for today. Thanks a lot, we got a lot of valuable data," Ritsuko said before turning to Misato with a smug grin on her face. "Well, impressed or what?"

"Ritsuko Akagi, you're the only person I will ever know who thought it was a good idea to use Nintendo Wii Controllers as a mechanism for controlling the last line of defence against the destruction of mankind," Misato said.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ritsuko said with a chuckle.

"Crazy, crazy woman," Misato added.

"Well, it's a fact that the British army used Xbox 360 controllers to control aerial drones. That's right, I've done my homework."

"That just proves the British are as crazy as you are," Misato said. Ritsuko laughed once more as Misato left the testing area and while Misato tried her best to seem like it didn't impress her, in reality she wondered what Ritsuko would think if she asked her to secretly make an Evangelion Wii game. It seemed a fun prospect for the NERV Operations Officer.

Hence, another loser of this crisis was Nintendo. NERV's usage of their Wii console would be top secret and even if Nintendo found out, suing NERV for a copyright infringement would be impossible as NERV would simply send an Evangelion to crush Nintendo headquarters, leaving Mario without a home. So with Nintendo unknowingly not making as much money as they quite deserved, another day passed in this crazy global climate with Shinji Ikari not quite sure what to make of the fact that his life and death struggle was beginning to feel just like a Wii game.