"Hey, Engie, when are we gettin' a new medic again?"

Our Engineer looked up from whatever it was he was building--could be anything from a rocket launcher to a smoothie blender--and eyed the two of us entering the 'living room.' At least, I assumed he eyed us. Hard to tell with those goggles sometimes. Scout was the one who spoke, well, whined, while I silently lit off a cigarette in mourning. The tie I donned for the day was no longer around my neck where it belonged. Instead it was serving as a tourniquet for the bullet wound in Scout's arm. The first aid machine would save the arm but not the tie.

"You got a problem with the medic we got?" Engineer asked the kid, the personally insulted feel creeping into his tone. The man treated the damn machine like it was his precious child sometimes. Scout caught the less than hidden threat and ran off to stick his arm in the thing. He knew he wouldn't survive that wrench in close quarters.

That just left me to speak reason. The concept of being the most reasonable person in the room was a strange one to say the least. Then again, people didn't end up in this place by being completely sane.

"Engineer," I sighed as the flavorful smoke left my lungs, "today we were lucky. Scout was outside their sniper's effective range, and the injury was caused by a fragmented ricochet. The first aid station will heal most of the damage, but not all." I gestured towards our illustrious leader, who was toying with a screwdriver almost threateningly. "We all know how proud you are of that device, and with good reason as its design is outside your usual field of things that go boom. However, if the injury was in Scout's batting arm he wouldn't be as effective in his job, which could get someone killed."

"Spy," he drawled, "I think you just don't want your pretty suit ruined."

I took another drag. "There is also that. When the new medic does get here, he owes me six ties."

Engineer shook his head and returned to whatever he was screwing together. "We ain't worth enough for that. We get a new medic when someone dies. Maybe."

"Hm. I guessed as much." I had, too. It was no news to me that our lives were... 'undervalued' compared to the norm. But in return for the shortened life expectancy we got to have a lot of twisted fun. I had no complaints. Usually.

Scout returned, less than thrilled about the no medic thing. He was new to the whole game but he caught on quick and didn't throw any tantrums about the team's combined net worth of about fifty bucks. Youngest I'd ever seen in the 'special forces' and for some reason it was my job to train him. It was a good think I liked the kid or I'd have led him over a land mine months ago.

True to form, the gloomy mood dissolved after about ten good seconds of pout. He flopped down on the couch (50% duct tape and rising) throwing his arms across the top and wincing when he jarred his newly healed wound. With perhaps the ghost of a non-sadistic smile I sat on the other end, unbuttoning my suit jacket in a rare display of the thing not being perfect. Tie was a lost cause; might as well go casual.

"Hey, speaking of medics--" Scout started and Engineer groaned. "Their medic, boss."

That sparked some interest in both us older men; we barely had a fuzzy photo of the man's face. Know thy enemy and all that jazz...

"Anyway, before their sniper caught me and started firing, I managed to get close to the guy when he was trying to fix up Meat Shield." Ah, our affectionate term for their heavy weapons expert. This medic had to be good given that the big devil was still standing after all the lead we'd poured into him. "'Parently Meat Shield's one of those idiot sav-somethings..."

"Savants?" I supplied.

"Yeah, idiot savants. He said the medic has a crush on their sniper."

Eyebrows rose above goggles. I took another lazy drag. Finally, the enemy did something interesting.

"You sure?" Engineer asked, justifiably dubious. "What makes you think he's not just an idiot?"

Scout shrugged. "When Meat Shield said it the medic freaked out. Like, awkward middle school girl freaked out. Then he made Meat Shield promise never to tell their sniper about it."

Our illustrious leader stroked his chin in thought, leaving long streaks of dark grease along his jaw. "Could've been a set up."

"When the sniper started firing at me the doc looked like he was going to wet himself. Meat Shield was so drugged up he wouldn't notice if someone cut his balls off." He shrugged again, "Could still be an act, but if it is it's a damn one."

The greasy streaks grew to cover Engineer's forehead. "Hmmm... what'dya think, Spy?"

I put out the cigarette stub on the arm of the chair and flicked it towards the wall. "I think the kid's got a sense about this sort of thing. Maybe it's because he's fresh out of high school where kids can't stop thinking about it--"

"I was twenty when I got, uh, 'recruited'"

"You have to remember that I'm an old, old man." True, for the most part. At almost forty-five I was the oldest member of the unit by six years. "You're going to have to hit twenty-nine before I stop calling you kid."

"'Kay then, in eight years I'll talk to you."

I actually had high hopes for the kid and his chances at living long enough to get back to the mundane world. Good as I am, I never should have seen thirty. It'd probably be a one-sided conversation.

"So, medic and his lil' crush?"

There was that threatening grip on the screwdriver again. I continued.

"I think we can trust Scout's instincts on this one. We'll still confirm it, of course."

"What are we on about?" came the loud and slurring entry of our Demoman.

Engineer gestured at me. "We found Spy a boyfriend."

Demo made some noise that was between a snort and someone drowning. "That mean pretty boy's gonna stop with me?"

"Oh, I'll never stop with you, handsome," I said as I did my best approximation of batting my eyelashes flirtatiously. Which, ah, wasn't that good of an approximation. Perfect as I am, that's not one of my skills.

"Fag," Demo replied in what almost counted as an affectionate tone before setting to work on a bottle of our Sniper's moonshine.

------------

Scout and I were camped out on an outcropping of rock about a kilometer from the enemy's base. He was more of a run in and say hi with the bat type, and I was more the sneak in through the waterworks and butterfly your back type, so the stationary position grated on both of us. Unfortunately the reds were getting their new demolition expert that day, provided intel was correct. We needed a clue about the guy before we could go back to the fun stuff.

Plus, there was the checking up on the crush thing. Since the Medics were traditionally the ones to show the pups around and Sniper was keeping a lookout for the transport (and us) above their main door, we might get our confirmation on that matter.

"Damn desert," I muttered as I shifted on the uncomfortable rocks. True, I was wearing the suit I'd chosen to sacrifice to this purpose, but that didn't make it any less dusty. Scout grinned. Of course he grinned. He didn't think it was a successful day if he wasn't covered head to toe in dirt. He and Engineer should form a club dedicated to filth.

Unfortunately we only had one pair of binoculars that could handle the distance; the other two were cannibalized to make the first aid station. It was Scout's turn to watch their sniper take potshots at buzzards and the medic adjusting his gloves when the transport finally arrived.

"Hand them over," I told him, holding my hand out. With a sigh he complied, knowing I'd pull rank on him if he didn't. As the truck came round the bend I got a good look at their new Demo 'man.'

"Remind me to tell Demo his job can be done by a woman," I said as I held the binoculars out for the taking. "You'll enjoy staring at her cleavage more than I."

I barely had a chance to finish the sentence before he had the scopes pressed against his face. "Oh, score, look at her."

"I did," I replied with a touch of eyeroll.

"Man, I know you're not turned on by chicks, but you can't even appreciate the beauty there?"

I shrugged. "I never saw the point. Seems like breasts would just get in the way."

"They're squishy. Hot damn, she's gotta be a double D."

"I don't see the attraction." It was true. I never had a phase where I thought I could be straight or bi. Broad shoulders and stubble all the way.

There was a laugh that sounded like it suggested I was not right in the head. Which was true, but not in the sexuality area. Scout was lucky I already knew he wasn't out for conversions. The higher ups were smart enough to tell me why he was in the 'service' before putting him in my care; three jocks on his baseball team were going at a gay kid and he went batting practice on their heads. Never regretted it for a second. He made a good booking photo with spatter across his face and what was probably brain matter sitting on the bill of his hat, grinning like a maniac. Only reason I gave him a chance.

"So you don't like the boobs. What is your type? Demo?"

Yup, here was a rare on: a twenty-year-old athlete who was actually secure enough in his heterosexuality to occasionally ask a gay man baffling questions out of absent curiosity.

"That's just me being an annoying prick. Demo really isn't my type."

"Which is?"

"Sober."

A chuckle. "Yeah, that pretty much counts him out... Demogirl is getting out of the truck. I think she's... yeah, she's flirting with the doc. He looks like he doesn't know what to do with her."

I took the binoculars back. Definitely a vapid flirting stance. I wondered if this 'Demogirl' would do our job for us.

Scout hmmed. "How's the doc acting?"

"Awkward."

"Yeah, but socially deprived nerd awkward or blushing awkward."

I turned up the zoom. "Point... he's not blushing." I lifted my head and squinted into the sky, hardly believing I was saying this. "She's... hot, right?"

"Pull something there?"

I went back to watching the medic. "Possibly."

"She is smokin' hot."

"I think we have our confirmation on his sexuality."

"He's not even a little turned on?" The shock was evident in Scout's voice. "Heh. Figures the first gay guy out here's on the other side."

"Not the first time it's happened."

"Suffer in silence a lot?"

"Usually. A few times in my younger years I seduced a few... 'Climax' came with a knife between the ribs."

Scout whistled. "That's cold man." Another chuckle. "Bet you got off on it."

I grinned. "Every time."

This is why I'm glad I didn't kill the happy young jock before discovering the sick bastard that lay beneath the surface. He definitely belonged in this twisted service.

The sniper jumped down from the doorframe and enthusiastically greeted Demogirl. "Odds don't look good for this romance."

Scout took the binoculars back. "The doc has the worst poker face ever. Does the sniper not see this?"

"You are a surprisingly perceptive straight man. You'd be surprised how much the general population misses."

"Aaaaaand they're inside." He scanned the base. "So what is your type, besides sober? Something like the doc, maybe?"

I was fairly certain he wasn't dumb enough to suggest a relationship that crosses enemy lines. I wasn't a young man anymore and this enemy was as twisted and paranoid as we were. It was an interesting question, though, now that I had a good look at the guy. I considered.

"He'd do," I concluded. "Don't usually go for 60 plus, but he does look good for his age."

"All 'distinguished gray' and shit? Looks like my old chemistry teacher."

"He'd be too easy."

Scout sat up and started packing away the binoculars, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Too gentle," I clarified. "Not enough fight. I like a few bruises the morning after."

"You would." He stood and held out a hand to help the 'old man' up.

"What about you?" I asked as I was yanked to my feet. "What's your dream girl?"

"Brown hair, green eyes, someone who'll fight with me and love the make-up sex."

Figures. "She probably bakes too, huh?"

"I would be the happiest man in the world." The wince was almost undetectable. I'm the expert in undetectable.

"Your arm still hurt?"

He rubbed at it as if that would make it heal faster. "Flesh wound's gone, but it left a bruise that goes right to the bone. Nothing it can do about it."

This sort of thing was becoming a serious problem. If we weren't getting a new medic then we needed that machine to work better. I wouldn't mind much if I died tomorrow but not if it could have been prevented.

"Hey, Spy, why don't we just kidnap their medic, huh? We can threaten him into fixing the thing and you can have a boyfriend for a night."

Ah, the flitting muse, visiting in the most random moments.

"How the hell did you get a plan out of that?"

My smirk was pure evil, I'm sure. "Oh, I have my ways." I started at a leisurely pace towards the base, pulling the pack from my jacket and lighting one off.

Scout followed, hands in his pockets. There was a slightly worried, mostly curious look on his face. "Is Engineer going to like this?"

"Probably not.

"Is he gonna okay it anyway?"

In answer I blew out a cloud of smoke.

"... You're going to have the time of your life with this, aren't you?"

The smirk got wider. "Yes."