Hey everyone!

Welcome to my story, Of Weird Conversations and Strange Lists. This story contains the weirdest conversations I could come up with and strange lists of things no one actually would write. Therefore the name. Each chapter will be named after the list which comes up in it.

Also... It's not a violent story, but there might be a few paragraphs where some talk about it can be found. It's not anything special, and remember, it's all just for the laugh of it.

And the last note. No, I'm not JKR and I do not own any of the characters here.

Now read :)

Of Weird Conversations and Strange Lists

Chapter 1 – One Hundredth Seventy-four Ways to Kill James Potter

I narrowed my eyes slightly, looking straight at him. He returned the glance, but I wasn't sure he knew exactly what was going on. I hardened my gaze and thought so hard I could almost feel a vein bursting on my forehead. I bit my teeth harder together. He hadn't blinked yet, neither had I. He tilted his head slightly and pressed his lips together.

"And what exactly are we doing?" he asked and raised his eyebrows. Then he blinked.

I said nothing. He frowned and leaned closer. I didn't move, but kept my mind on my task.

"Evans?" he asked and waved a hand in front of my face.

I ignored him. He kept waving the hand, leaning a bit over the table. He moved his head from side to side, but I kept my eyes on him. His head neared.

"Evans?" He poked my cheek.

I slapped it away, only to exclaim a few curse words; I had been distracted by him and his action. He slowly leaned back in his chair and looked at me with one raised eyebrow.

"Do you mind telling me what's up?" he asked.

"I was trying to set you on fire," I half-grumbled.

"You don't have a wand," he said smartly.

"I'm not stupid, Potter," I said, "but I know wand less magic is possible and if I could be good enough I could do anything to you when you're not even prepared."

He nodded, as if thinking it over. "Well, good luck," he said brightly and returned to the book on the table.

"I could kill you," I said, nodding.

"Yeah, if you could do the wand less magic, you could kill me." He didn't even look up.

"In one hundredth and seventy-four ways," I said, "roughly."

He looked up shortly. "You've really given this a lot of thought."

"I know," I said. "It's because I intend to succeed this mission and I've got to leave all opportunities open. Would you rather die, drowning or burning?"

He lifted his quill to his mouth and let it slide over his lips, looking upwards, and thinking. After a few seconds he said, "Drowning," and then returned to the book.

I nodded. "Burning it is."

He smiled.

"Hey, now is not the time to smile! You should be scared of my threats!"

He looked at me through his hair with a sceptical glint in his eyes. "I am."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "No, you're not."

"Oh, that lie you could see through."

"What do you mean?" I crossed my arms, eyes on him.

"Of course I'd rather die burning than drowning. I think you die faster that way. But why stick to such a depressive and sad topic? What are you doing for Christmas?" He smiled genuinely at me and laid down his quill.

I narrowed my eyes. "You lied to me?"

"Yep." He started reading.

"Why?"

He looked up shortly. "Because I know how your mind works and I knew if I said burning, you'd say drowning, and the other way around. Ergo, to fulfil my wish I lied and said I'd rather drown than burn, and I got what I wished for."

I narrowed my eyes. "If I ever get to kill you, you're drowning."

"Fine," he said, nonchalantly.

"Don't use that tone with me!"

"Okay." He looked up. "Fine," he said in a fake nice voice.

I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at him again, concentrating hard. He studied me in less than five seconds.

"You're trying to drown me, aren't you?"

I didn't answer.

"Though I do wonder how you'll manage to do that in the library. We're inside, a long way from the lake and there's not even a little drop of water in here. The nearest drinking fountain is several corridors to the east, but," he shrugged, "what do I know?"

I didn't answer and tried to not even listen. He smiled and leaned back in his chair, eyes on me again.

"But if you're looking for a painful death, I could always suggest you let me get eaten my ants or another insect. Or you could let me starve to death. Or die of heat, I think that's pretty painful too. Or maybe fill me up with tiny little rose thorns that will tear me apart from the inside."

"I have made a list," I said and pulled a list up from my bag before he could even blink.

I handed it to him without one word and he started to read it. "'One Hundredth Seventy-four Ways to Kill James Potter'," he read out loud.

"It's in preparation," I said with a nod. "I might publish it."

"'Slowly tear him apart, small body part by small body part. Bonus; you get to hear his screams.' Wow, that's nice, Evans."

I nodded. "I like making lists."

"But if you want to publish it, you might just name it 'One Hundredth and Seventy-four Ways to Kill a Person'. It's more neutral." He didn't even look at me while speaking.

"I like the 'James Potter' part," I said. "It adds a nice edge, don't you think?"

He looked at me shortly and then his eyes returned to the paper. "'Force him to drink acid. Suggestions: nitric acid, hydrofluoric acid, sulfuric acid, etc.' Hmmm." He looked at me.

"I was good at chemistry in my school at home," I said easily. "Read on."

"Oh, I like this. 'Tear off his skin and rub him in salt and lemon juice.' Wow, you really know your stuff, Evans…"

"They're good, right?"

He lifted the first page, scanned the second, then the third and fourth. "Good Gracious, Evans. It keeps going for several pages."

"One hundredth and seventy-four ways," I said.

"You actually have a very nice handwriting."

"Don't try to suck up," I said, snatching for the papers, but he moved it out of my reach.

"You're messed up on the inside, did you know that?"

"Yup."

"Hey, mine with the ants is here!" He looked at me over the papers. "Tell me, when do you even have to time to write this?"

I shrugged. "In the evening, before I go to sleep. It makes me dream happy dreams."

He smiled and chuckled slightly.

"What?"

"I just can't believe you," he said, still smiling. "Here I thought you were completely nice and not the least bit violent in that way. But you're crazy."

"I hit you often."

"Yeah, but I didn't know you had the fantasy to this." He smiled brightly.

I snatched the papers from him. "It's not something to laugh about, I'm dead serious and if you're not careful one of these will actually come true!"

He nodded. "Now that you've agreed on that, maybe we should write this thing?"

"I'm really not in the mood to work with you."

"No, I know that, but have you ever thought that if we finished this soon rather than later you'd not have to see me so often? But I'm all for the latter."

I narrowed my eyes. "I know you are. I'd still rather have worked with Ava."

"Sure you would," he said with a smile, "but she's working with that Colby-guy..."

"Don't talk to me like that," I bit him. "Your friends abandoned you too."

"Yeah, you think," he mumbled with an arrogant tone.

My mouth dropped open. "You made sure this happened!"

"Surely I did," he said, smirking at me. "And I'm sure this will be the time when you finally accept me for being me and we get together."

"In your dreams."

"You're there too," he said and winked.

I nearly growled out loud, but decided it would ruin my cool facade I'd had so far. "Surely I am, James," I said sweetly. "Are we going to get this made?"

He shrugged. "Now I don't want to."

"Oh, come on, James! Try to work with me," I groaned.

He didn't look at me, but started leafing through the long list.

"At least I try to make this work!"

He smiled and put away the list. "Can I borrow this then?"

I frowned. "Why do you want to borrow it?" I asked. "It's not a nice thing."

"I'm glad you can see that yourself," he said with a smile.

"Why, again, do you want to borrow it?"

He shrugged. "I want to read it. You have a very special mind. I like it."

"If you want to," I said and rolled my eyes. "Can we get to work now?"

"Yeah."