Title: Reveille
Fandom: Mass Effect
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Jane Shepard/Liara, mentions of Kaidan, original characters
Dedication: Koanju, as a last-minute pinch-hit for yuletide 2008
Prompt: The request was to pick any class and background for a female!Shepard and write a more in-depth backstory.
Description: During mating, an asari and her partner share memories, thoughts, and feelings. As they make love aboard the SSV Normandy, Liara T'Soni learns the truth about Jane Shepard's past. (Earthborn / Sole Survivor / Infiltrator)
Rating: R for graphic violence, drug use, dubcon, and girl-on-girl sensuality
Word Count: 6,510
Status: Complete (It was finished in late December but authors weren't allowed to reveal themselves until after Jan. 1st)
Other Notes: This was my first-ever attempt to pinch-hit for yuletide, and as the official pinch-hitter assigned to Koanju at the last minute, I had half a day to brainstorm and two days to write. Many thanks to kangeiko for being such a thorough beta at the last-minute—I couldn't have done this without her, especially the military bits. *g* Also, all credit for the title goes to her. I also ought to give credit to Pandora's "New Age Instrumental" radio station, for providing the mood-appropriate background music and keeping me sane as I wrote this monster of a fic in less than two days.

Wrapping a fresh towel around her head, Jane Shepard, Commander of the SSV Normandy, arrives in her quarters after taking a luxuriously long shower. She rarely allows herself to indulge in anything, but the rising stakes and heightened danger of the crew's assignments of late had led her to decide to make more of an effort to enjoy their rare respites—even if these moments of idleness and quietude are somewhat vexatious.

She never has been one to enjoy stagnation, because it encourages trains of thought she would prefer not to pursue. In these moments, when nothing can be heard save the quiet humming of the ship as it hurtles through space, thoughts creep into one's mind, calling up old memories and suggesting the strangest notions, until a quiet madness descends upon the brain. It is these instances, when obscurity and clarity collide, that she finds among the most terrifying things in the universe. And Jane Shepard deals with terrifying things on almost a daily basis.

Jane paces about her room, massaging her head under the towel until most of her hair has dried. Discarding the towel in a corner, she moves to stand by the window, gazing at the tiny points of light passing by at a snail's pace. Tomorrow, they'll begin their new assignment. They could have started today, but she begged the Council for a day's reprieve, citing the exhaustion of her crew and the dire need for some R&R to get them back up to optimal efficiency as reasons. It had been a good call, as everyone had taken a blow after the events on Virmire days ago. Even she herself was affected, though she tries not to show it in front of her crew.

Shaking her head to clear away the images she doesn't care to relive, she focuses instead on the guest she is expecting. The thought of her young asari lover brings a smile to her face, as she checks the time again and ponders why Liara has kept her waiting. Jane pictures her entering the room, her movements fluid and full of grace, then pauses to think about what she'll be wearing. Will she still be in uniform, or has she changed? She envisions her in one of the long gowns the asari she met at the Citadel seem to favor. She is certain the garments would become her very well, although her mind is dwelling more on the act of how pleasurable it would be to slowly strip Liara of the gown.

She is startled out of her reverie by a soft knock on the door of her quarters. "Who is it?"

"It is Liara, Commander Shepard." Liara's voice is muffled by the heavy door between them.

In three strides, Jane makes her way to the front of the room, pressing the keypad to allow the door to slide open. The young asari woman quickly moves into the room, and, turning to watch her as she enters, Jane is not at all ashamed when she spends quite some time checking out the view. Liara is no longer in military uniform, dressed instead in one of the high-collared vests and a pair of leggings. Though her garb isn't an asari gown, Jane isn't disappointed; the garments gently accentuate Liara's curves.

"I was just thinking about you," Jane whispers as she joins her partner, caressing a blue cheek with her right hand. "I was wondering what kept you. I've been waiting."

Liara nuzzles her face into the curve of Jane's hand, lightly kissing the palm. "I apologize. I was sitting with Kaidan. He needed someone to talk to."

Closing her eyes as she weaves her fingers through Liara's own, Jane fights to keep the memories of Virmire from surfacing. Most of the Normandy's crew has been on-edge since the incidents that took place there, but Kaidan has probably had the hardest time dealing with it.

Liara, however, seems to mistake Jane's silence for something else. "Are you... jealous?"

Shaking off her troubled thoughts, Jane coaxes her lips into a playful smile. "Should I be?"

"No," Liara answers, her face softening as the two draw close for a swift kiss.

"Come," Jane says when their faces part, motioning at the bed. She herself walks toward the side of the room that holds the chest where she keeps her sparse personal belongings. "Sit with me. I have a surprise. I picked up a few bottles of wine when we were last at the Citadel. Will you have some?"

"I will try some," the young asari replies as she gracefully seats herself on the low bed. "Thank you."

Jane deftly uncorks the bottle and pours its contents into two plastic goblets she has been saving for an occasion such as this. She hands one to Liara, setting the bottle on the table near them, and then takes a seat on the bed behind her, resting her back against the wall while wrapping her free arm around Liara's waist. Liara leans back into Jane's embrace and relaxes, lifting her feet up onto the bed and curling her legs in a vaguely childlike gesture. For some time, the two simply sit, enjoying their wine in silence.

"This beverage is delicious," Liara remarks when she has all but emptied her glass, "but is it legal for you to have such a thing on board, hidden away from everyone else?"

"Probably not. But then, I'm not exactly the model citizen everyone thinks I am," Jane says with a rueful smile.

Liara sits up, twisting her torso so that she can face Jane. "That is not true. You are a model for all of us on this vessel."

"Yet there are times I wish people would not think of me that way," Jane remarks bitterly, her body suddenly tense.

"You have all the qualities of a great citizen, soldier, and a leader," Liara tries to soothe her, "so it is no surprise that people want to emulate your good traits and model themselves after you."

"I'm tired of feeling like I'm misleading people," Jane explains. "I'm not nearly as good of a person as everyone thinks I am."

Liara studies Jane's face carefully. "I sense that you carry a heavy burden. What is it in your past that makes you unable to accept your own goodness, and why are you carrying it alone?"

"It isn't any one particular thing," Jane says, her expression clouded. "My entire past is shrouded in darkness. I suppose my military service might be an attempt at redemption for the life I used to lead. But I don't think the respect I've won during my assignments excuses what I did in the past. I shouldn't be anyone's role model."

"Why do you not talk about it with others—friends?" Liara suggests. "It could help ease your discomfort."

"I've never really tried... probably because I've never trusted anyone enough," Jane replies, frowning.

Liara tries not to sound disappointed, though some of her youth shines through when she asks, "Not even me?"

"I trust you." Jane grazes the skin of Liara's cheek with her lips. "You know I do."

"Then tell me," Liara says simply. "Please."

Sitting up to place their empty wine goblets on the table while carefully avoiding Liara's pleading eyes, Jane makes up her mind. "All right. Maybe you're right. I've swallowed down these words for too long."

Both her hands now free, she returns to her position on the bed, pulling Liara toward her and folding her lover's small, warm body into a tight embrace. Liara gently caresses Jane's skin while the latter tries to decide how best to start her story.

"As you know, I grew up on Earth," Jane begins. "More specifically, I grew up in an orphanage in the slums. I never knew either of my parents. I'm not even certain what happened to them. In those days, it was the same for many children. I was by no means an exceptional case."

"You see, the Earth was never meant to house 20 billion people. So when it became possible for humans to colonize other planets, a massive exodus took place. Entire families left their homes and friends behind and took to the skies. But there was a large disparity of wealth, and for those families for whom it was not financially possible for all of them to leave at once, the fathers left first, intending to bring over their loved ones as soon as they had gotten settled. But after they left for space, any number of things happened—they were killed, got caught up in bad business, found new wives, or sometimes simply decided not to send for their families, wanting to start anew. This created a massive crisis back on Earth, particularly among the women who had lost their husbands. Some took to the skies to search for them, while others migrated to the cities to look for new men, and still others withered away. This meant that many children simply got lost in the shuffle, finding themselves abandoned and usually ending up in the slums."

"Since it was the fate of so many of us, there was no use in being angry or bitter. Taking the time to try to track down our parents was a luxury we didn't have, since living conditions in the slums were awful and all our thoughts were bent on mere survival. We never had money. There was never enough food to go around, and we were always hungry. There were no standards of hygiene because most people couldn't afford running water, so disease was rampant."

"Technically, the slums are governed, but there's little or no law enforcement, so we never really noticed. Most of the enforcement was internal, with local gangs establishing territories of control. The orphanage functioned like a safe house, though, and I managed to avoid gang life because I stayed in school. There were public schools, though attendance wasn't enforced because there were simply too many kids in the slums and not enough resources. But I enjoyed learning, so I stayed in school, even when no one made me," explains Jane, the corner of her mouth turning up in a half-smile at a distant memory.

"What were you like as a child?" Liara asks, snuggling up to her lover.

"I suppose I was a bit of a – a geek," Jane replies, laughing. "I loved learning about the mechanics of things—how things work and how they were made. I used to go to the junkyard after school with a wrench and a screwdriver and take things apart, bringing home the parts I found interesting or intended to use to build something later. And I was always looking to the sky and reading stories about life on the colonies. I planned to go to university and study engineering. My dream was to build a spaceship that would take all the abandoned children from the slums into space, so that we could find better lives."

Liara playfully suckles on Jane's collarbone. "So did you go? To university?"

"No. I never made it that far." Jane's eyes are downcast, her expression unreadable. "In fact, I dropped out of high school. I didn't follow any of my dreams."

Startled, Liara asks, "Why? What happened?"

When there's no response, Liara looks up, but her partner's face is cast in shadow. Jane's lips are parted and moving, as if she's trying to say something but the words aren't coming out. There's something troubling her; she keeps blinking, her eye movements rapid, and, Liara notices with a start, her hand is shaking.

Wrapping Jane's fingers in her own, Liara whispers, "If you cannot tell me, it is okay. Please do not force yourself."

"I want to. I trust you," Jane murmurs, pulling in for another quick kiss, though her eyes are still dark. "And I haven't done that in a very long time."

Liara considers it for a second, then says, "Well, if it is too difficult to find the words, then there are other ways to show me."

Jane understands what Liara is suggesting. A sexual encounter with an asari is not so much a physical union as a melding of consciousnesses, and during their previous lovemaking sessions, they had each shared a few memories, though Jane had been careful to keep any memories of her past carefully guarded. Liara is suggesting that, this time, she let go of the careful control she keeps over her memories and allow herself to share everything. The prospect is inimitably frightening, but she also supposes it could be liberating to finally let go.

Sensing that she has been given permission, Liara turns around and moves closer to her lover, bringing their heads together with a gentle gesture of her right hand. Jane helps undo Liara's vest before taking off her own shirt and bra, reveling in the skin contact that follows. Their lips meet, giving into a darker, baser hunger that has been on both their minds since Liara entered the room. In the asari mating rite, it isn't really necessary to kiss, but they do it anyway, Jane having taught Liara the joy of experiencing the softness of someone else's lips, the warmth of their breath, and the sensual touches of tongue and teeth. Strengthened by her companion's affection, Jane finally closes her eyes and concentrates all her thoughts on Liara.

An image appears of a young woman—no, a girl, yet. Her thin frame and other youthful features betray her age, though she carries herself like a woman, her steps light yet deliberate. Light seems to radiate out from her figure, or perhaps it is her face that yields this conclusion: two bright blue eyes and a wide smile, surrounded by a halo of golden-blond curls. When Liara probes just a little deeper into Jane's mind, she discovers that these are uncommon traits among humans now; once, long ago, a third of the world was blond-haired and blue-eyed, but since the earthlings began to interbreed across cultures, their offspring's hair has grown darker each generation, and a true blonde has become a rare sight indeed.

"But it was her smile that was the most striking about her. She was always smiling," Jane adds, a wistful tone to her voice. "Almost."

Running her hands up and down Jane's arms, whose skin is dotted with goosebumps, Liara hesitates for a second before asking, "Who was she?"

"Her name was Evelyn," Jane replies, "but we all called her Eve, or Evie."

She closes her eyes again, and a flood of images comes up this time, beginning with Eve, considerably younger, but seen from afar. Jane must've been watching her from a distance. They're at an old-fashioned playground, though it's little more than a sandbox, a swing set, and a couple of slides. Children and toddlers are sitting in a semi-circle, rubbing snotty noses with dirt-covered hands while they listen to Eve, who is perched atop one of the swings, telling a story. Her voice is inaudible, but it is clear that her words hold the entire crowd entranced, Jane included. The memory fades into various other flashes of Eve from afar, at the orphanage, in the classroom, or just in the streets of the slum they both inhabit.

The vision changes. They're older now, eleven perhaps, and Eve is bothered by two older boys on her way back to the orphanage after school. At first they're just calling her names, but then one of them reaches out and smacks her bottom. Jane, who was following behind her, rushes up and without a second's hesitation punches the boy in the face, enough to topple his balance and give him a black eye. While he's scrambling to get back on his feet, she yells a threat at his partner, and without arguing or dawdling, the boys clear the scene. Without another word, Jane takes Eve's hand in her own, and the two walk back to the orphanage together.

After that, the memories are different—brighter. Jane and Eve walk to school together every day. They sit beside each other in class. In the afternoons when Jane searches for new parts and tinkers with tools in the junkyard, Eve sits atop a crate and spins romantic tales of life on faraway planets. At night, Jane helps Eve with her homework, eventually ensuring them both enrollment in one of the better public high schools.

But in the end, neither girl is able to escape the seduction of the underground cultures pervading the city. All the teenagers in the slums succumb to it. It begins with the parties, casual get-togethers on the surface, the new "friends" and the boys who like to stare from a distance. It doesn't take long until one of them is approached with the promise of cash if they just discreetly deliver a little paper bag to that guy over there, the one with the spiked hair and the nose ring—and since money is always short these days, they can't say no. The danger starts when they give into the temptation to try the stuff they help sell. Beer, liquor, pills, stuff you smoke, stuff you snort—eventually, they try it all. These days, however, the best stuff comes in a form you inject straight into your veins, and before long, they're hooked, and there's no stopping the music now, the flashing lights, the pulsating beat, the grinding bodies around them, on top of them. Some days, they don't make it to school at all—not that they ever have to face the consequences, given how badly-run the slum schools are. Boys dance in and out of the picture, their countenances vague and forgettable, and Liara realizes they are dealing with something much cruder than courtship.

Jane and Eve begin to grow apart when Eve becomes involved in a local gang but Jane resists her invitations to join them. Still, when Eve disappears for a few days and then returns, unable to stop crying, Jane doesn't hesitate to come to her aid. While Eve's lips form the words "I'm pregnant" in slow motion, her face panicked and her body shaking with her frantic sobs, an eerie ringing sound grows in Jane's head. The ringing continues throughout the next scene, where Jane accompanies her to the clinic where she gets an abortion, and crescendos throughout a reel of successive scenes, when for weeks Eve is disconsolate, unable to deal with the pain and loss.

A flash of white, and then the next image appears: Eve lying on the ground, badly beaten, blood pooling near her head, a victim of what was obviously murder.

Startled, Liara sits up and asks, "What happened? Who did it, and why?"

Jane sighs. "I don't know. I always assumed it was someone in her gang, though I wouldn't have the faintest idea why. I never did understand gang politics."

"I thought about trying to find her murderer, but I found I had no reason to do so," she continues as she reclines, pulling Liara with her. "I had no desire for revenge. I don't think I was even angry. The thing is—I always felt that, at the time she was murdered, Eve had already been dying. After the abortion, she began to wither away. She'd stopped glowing. In some sense, I felt her murder was a mercy. I think she'd have been dead within a month or two anyway, so it may have saved her some suffering."

"But she was your—" Liana reaches into Jane's mind for the right words "—your best friend, your sister, your only family. How did you cope?"

"In the beginning, I didn't need to," Jane explains, staring off into space. "Strangely enough, I accepted her death. I didn't find it too difficult to keep on going. But then I checked the local news channels and found no reporting at all about her murder. The media didn't care. Just another dead girl in the slums. Happens all the time. That's when I grew angry. I could accept her death, but not this—the utter insignificance of our lives."

The next vision shows a furious and unglued Jane drifting aimlessly through the streets and finally winding up in one of the entertainment districts in the outskirts of the city. She takes refuge in the corner of a game parlor, where an old arcade game allows you to take up a pair of hologram pistols and shoot at moving humanoid-shaped targets, with the most points being awarded for direct head shots. In the beginning, she can barely manage to successfully hit their upper bodies, but she uses up the last of her drug money and keeps on trying. When she's all out of coins, she goes back to the orphanage. She doesn't go back to school, but she also stops going to the parties and selling drugs. Instead, she earns her bread by doing simple errands around town, taking whatever extra cash she has at the end of the day and heading to the game parlor, aiming at the targets and pulling the triggers until her money's gone and her mind is blank. With time, repeated practice hones her skill to perfection, until she can hit the targets from any angle, with her eyes closed, or even with her back turned.

During these sessions, there isn't a thought in her mind. There is no past she is trying to get away from, no future she is trying to escape to, and no purpose. There is simply the comforting numbness as instinct takes over and her fingers react automatically to send out the little bullets of light. In those instincts, everything slows down, and she becomes completely absorbed into the game, unaware of anything else going on around her.

It is while thus entranced, a month or so after she began her pistol training, that she fails to notice that she has a spectator until the man clears his throat to make his presence known. Before she even has time to think about it, she whirls around and aims both pistols at his head—not that it would actually do her any good, because the holograms don't emit anything except when pointed at the shooting range.

"Whoa, there! I wouldn't like to be caught in your line of fire," he chuckles as he sizes her up before resting his eyes on the pair of hologram guns pointed at his face. "How would you like to point a real pair o' those at some real targets?"

Jane frowns, unimpressed despite his muscled arms and good physique. "And you are?"

"The name's Ray. Lieutenant Ray Durnam. Right now I'm here for pleasure rather than business," he answers, still chuckling, "but when I'm working, I happen to be a recruiting officer in the Alliance Navy."

And that's how it all begins. Jane doesn't dwell too long on any of the subsequent memories, but Liara doesn't need her to in order to get a clear picture of the story: her talk with Ray, signing the enlistment papers, and cadet training camp. The soldiers are pushed to the physical breaking point, rising before the sun, running miles in the rain, repeating the same obstacle courses over and over until they can do the steps in their sleep. Her endurance is heavily tested, but Shepard, hardened by life in the slums, knows nothing but survival. During combat training, she receives unprecedentedly high marks for her pistol skills, and when the time comes to specialize, they decide that her slim, lithe body makes her best suited for a sniper rifle. Meanwhile, Shepard impresses her peers and superiors with her mechanical skills, offering multiple ideas and improvements for vehicles, weapons, and armor.

A few weeks into her training, she runs into Ray near the barracks, and they have a friendly chat before she is called away for more rifle practice. About a month later, when she's on leave for three days and heads into the city to sightsee, she runs into him again in the streets. He invites her out for a drink, and one thing leads to another, and she doesn't say no even though she doesn't even find him attractive—but she's never not given in. Next thing she knows, he's fucking her against the wall in a shabby hotel room—yes, fucking, as his actions aren't at all affectionate nor show any sign of interest in her pleasure. She simply endures it because that's all she knows how to do.

She wakes up the next morning with a raging headache, her body aching and likely bruised. Ray is sitting propped up on a pillow next to her, smoking a cigarette and smiling smugly. He tells her he's been assigned to lead a new training program on Arcturus and that they're not likely to see each other again.

"I hope you're not upset, babe. That's just how these things go," is the closest thing she gets to any kind of apology. "You're a tough gal. You'll surely survive the rest o' your training."

She opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. She searches inside herself for some kind of emotion, but she finds herself completely hollow inside. All she finds are bitter thoughts: Of course. I'm a woman. He's a man. That's what happens. In the end, he was no different from the boys at the parties. Why would there be a difference?

But there is. The difference is that she's no longer powerless, and the next time she's propositioned, she does not hesitate to turn the man down. When a slew of new recruits start giving her trouble, sounding cat-calls behind her back and even slapping her ass on a couple of occasions, she turns in their names to her commanding officer, and a couple of the boys are abruptly dismissed. Having seen the number of women in their ranks rise and then experience a sharp downturn, the military has grown quite protective of them.

"I think that's when the biggest change in me occurred—when I realized I actually had the power to change things. I think it's the first time I truly began to live. I'm still not sure whether I felt that I had a purpose in life, but I did feel that life was worth living, now that I was no longer a mere leaf on the wind. I was no longer content to be just a spectator to the unfolding of my own life." When she is finished speaking, Jane closes her eyes again.

The memories that come after are more rapidly paced and vaguely blurry. Shepard approaches her training with a renewed vigor. After completing her cadet training with the highest marks in her troop, she gets recruited into a special side training program, where she learns valuable skills in hacking and decryption. The Alliance is piloting a new program where they try to develop a new kind of soldier, adept in two divergent skill sets. Codenamed an 'Infiltrator', she is trained in both combat and technical skills. Successful in all her field training assignments, she quickly gains seniority until her superiors summon her and announce that the time has come for her first official posting.

Akuze.

Jane sits bolt upright, shaking, breath erratic and eyes wide open, while Liara tries to calm her by making soothing, hushing sounds and smoothing her hair. Their minds are still connected enough that it feels as though the word floats in the air between them like a living, breathing entity. Akuze.

For a while, Jane refuses to close her eyes again. Liara's attempts at comforting her are futile, and the mental connection between them is briefly severed. Liara moves in closer in response, bringing her hands to Jane's temples and massaging them in slow circular motions. Gradually, she regains her composure, her breathing steadying and her eyes losing their panicked sheen. Liara's hands travel from Jane's temples to the top of her head, massaging her scalp for some time before moving lower, down her neck and upper back, forward to her breasts, and down to her belly. Jane shivers in response.

"Stay with me," Liara coaxes, suddenly sounding years older. "Let's see this through, together."

Jane has already closed her eyes.

The next memory captures Jane's wonderment as she boards a spaceship and travels by mass relay for the first time. The rest of the marine unit treats her with a grudging respect, her reputation having preceded her, though not all of them are equally polite. She's sharp-eared enough to overhear some of the remarks they make about her behind her back, some because this is her first posting, others because she's attained the rank of lieutenant at only 23, and a woman at that, suggesting that perhaps she'd slept her way up the ranks. But most of all, they make conjectures about her past, word having gotten out that she came from the slums. She feels alienated, keenly aware of how different she is from the others, but she reminds herself that this is not a pleasure cruise and her mission is not to make friends.

When they disembark at the colony on Akuze, it's everything she expected and still vastly different. For some reason, she'd always pictured the colonies as something akin to the tales of the Old West back on Earth, full of space cowboys and wooden homes and general lawlessness, so she's surprised at the generic military-style barracks and lack of personality of the settlement. On the other hand, the bare rock and dirt, the vast expanses of unexplored territory, and the unobstructed view of the sky are everything she could've wished for and more.

Of course, everything is bathed in an eerie atmosphere, since all of the inhabitants have vanished as though they were never there. In the area surrounding the town, the ground looks disturbed, but it is the only clue they can find regarding the colonists' disappearance.

Eager to call it a night, the marines set up their camp on a rock outcropping overlooking the town, sheltered by an overhang, their commander ignoring Shepard's suggestion that perhaps they should spread their tents out more. "If the colonists were attacked, and what attacked them comes for us, we'll want to be close together so no one gets left behind," they reason. Her gut instinct tells her it's a bad idea, but she doesn't argue. She simply sets up a tent a little farther from the rest, then volunteers for the first watch to ease her growing sense of unrest.

By the time the sounds of the first screams reach her, two soldiers have already died. She jumps to her feet and rushes back toward the camp, only to stop dead in her tracks when she sees worm-like creatures of gargantuan proportions rising up out of the ground, striking with swift movements and snapping entire bodies in half with their maws or killing the marines instantly with acid they project from their mouths. Only later, at the debriefing-turned-interrogation, when she is questioned about the events that transpired and asked to describe the creatures in detail, does she learn that they are called thresher maws. Until then, they are simply the nameless horrors that appeared to take out the entire unit in one night.

Realizing almost immediately that they are overpowered and unprepared, Shepard calls for a retreat, but the commander has disappeared and no one is listening to her. The nearby sound of roaring engines indicates that the ship has already been alerted and is ready to depart with the survivors. She manages to dodge the acidic spit of one of the creatures, scrambling out of sight until it moves on, distracted by a nearby soldier. She tries to come to his rescue, pulling out her pistols and unleashing a barrage of bullets on the alien until it collapses, immobile. She pulls her comrade to his feet, but just as they prepare to make a run for it, a second creature moves into sight. The private steps straight into the trajectory of another acid projectile and drops to the ground. Shepard turns over his body, but the man is already dead.

Panicked, she dashes back toward the encampment, making out the silhouette of another comrade up ahead. She calls out to him, telling him to rally the others and head back to the ship. He must've heard her because she can see him turn to move toward her, but halfway there, he stumbles and is immediately swallowed up by another of the gruesome maws. He doesn't even have time to scream.

When she reaches what is left of the encampment, her feet falter. The ground before her is littered with bodies, and she knows right then that if she wastes another second, she will end up just like them. There is no time to look for any more of her comrades. She spins around and sprints in the ship's direction.

Just as she's about to reach the hatch, the ground shakes violently as one of the giant worms emerges out of the dirt in front of her. Lurching to a halt, she reaches for her pistols, realizing that she is probably done for, when the creature just as suddenly disappears back into the ground. Instinct takes over and she resists the urge to question it, and she makes a mad dash for the open hatch. As she stumbles inside, the crew who had remained onboard anxiously question her, wanting to know what exactly's going on out there as well as the fate of the rest of the squad.

"It's no use. We have to take off!" Shepard has to yell to make herself heard over the rumbling of the engines. "Those things are still out there!"

"We can circle the area and look for survivors from up there," she continues, chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath and not throw up from the horrors she's just experienced. "But we must take to the skies. Now!"

The crew doesn't need to be told twice. Activating the vertical thrusters, the ship gets airborne, out of reach of the creatures' elongated bodies. They circle the battle-site-turned-massacre for over an hour, using the ship's cannons to attack the aliens and aid any surviving soldiers, to give them a fighting chance. They wait until the last of the creatures disappears beneath the ground so they can scan the area for survivors, but none of the scanners pick up any signs of life or movement. Knowing that it would be suicide to go back down to the surface and look on foot, they are forced to give up, and the pilot sets course for Arcturus.

After spending some time in a state of utter shock, Shepard retreats to her quarters. She passes out almost as soon as her head hits the pillow, sleeping as though comatose until the ship sets down in the Alliance's capital.

"I couldn't forgive myself for what happened. For running," Jane explains to Liara, hugging her close. "I suppose military men still hold onto the ideal that an honorable death is sometimes better than a shameful retreat. But I wasn't ready to die, when I had just begun to live."

"Do not blame yourself. It was not your fault," Liara whispers, pulling in for another kiss.

"The worst was afterwards, after all the long interrogations, when I returned to my post and received a new assignment. It was already hard enough to gain everyone's acceptance before, but when word got out about Akuze..." Jane's voice trails off. "I could hear them whispering, speculating how a girl like me could've been the only survivor. How I must have run, and left the others to die. I felt so – alien. After a while, even I began to wonder what had set me apart from the rest, aside from the cowardice. The only thing I could come up with was that I'd grown up in the slums and had spent my teenage years shooting acid up my veins. I wondered if that had managed to strip all the humanity out of me."

Liara stares at her lover's face, her gaze so penetrating that Jane eventually turns her head to avoid looking her in the eyes. She's never been this open with someone before, and it's terrifying and yet strangely cathartic. The weight of her dark past is finally beginning to slide off her shoulders, its gradual dissolution eased on by the calm yet steady voice of the asari girl lying in her arms.

"Shepard. – Jane." It's the first time in a long time anyone's addressed her by her first name. "You are human—fully and completely. You are the most exemplary human I have ever encountered."

"We asari have a saying. 'To see the True Light, one must first see only darkness.' We take it to mean that you must overcome some bad experiences before you can truly be 'good'. Those who lead lives of privilege, sheltered from the evils of the world, cannot recognize nor appreciate the True Light of goodness for what it is. So, you see, the fact that you have seen darkness in your past means that you are the best choice for a leader we could possibly have. Because you will not go back there. You do not want anyone to have to face that darkness again—not you yourself or anyone else."

"You see it, don't you?" Liara pushes herself up on her arms, then lowers herself down on top of Jane's supine form. "The light."

Caressing the folds of blue skin adorning the top of Liara's head with one hand while using the other to pull the girl's body closer toward her, Jane smiles and whispers, "Yes, I do. I can see it right in front of me."

***

There's something comforting about watching someone else sleeping when you yourself can't manage to rest. Liara's quiet slumber gives Jane a sense of peace. Liara had nodded off almost as soon as they had finished their lovemaking. Jane, too, is exhausted, both physically and mentally, but for some odd reason, sleep refuses to take her.

But despite her sleeplessness, for the first time in years, Jane feels that the worst is behind her. She's made it through the darkness and into the light. And even if things don't make as much sense as they could—how, for example, she could've fallen so hard for an alien woman—she knows better than to question it now. Besides, in these all-or-nothing days, it is a privilege to enjoy being alive, one that she did not always have, and she is grateful to her asari lover for reminding her every day of the beauty that can be found in simply living.

"Thank you, Liara," she murmurs as she slips back into bed. "Thank you."