Because so many authors have been yanking down their stories, I feel the need to make a statement before you start reading mine. It's staying here. I posted it for over two years, and I'm not about to tear it down. It's fanfiction. It's free. And it's here for your entertainment. You have my word on that. And if that is not enough to convince you, then this reason should. This story is so highly intertwined with the Twilight Universe that SM created that in the highly unlikely event I did decide to publish it - I could not because I'd have to have her permission. Really. *blinks* *raises right hand* Honest. Evil author's honor.

Please review if you can. I answer every one. If you go to the review section of Twilighted (dot) net where this story also appears, you'll see proof. I'd love to hear feedback from you so I can learn to be a better writer. I welcome constructive criticism. The story summary is below. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoy the story.

Snarky Story Summary: What if in the beginning Edward lied to everyone about being in love with Bella? What if originally it actually was all about Bella's scent? And what would happen then if accidentally, much against his will, Edward kind-of-sort-of fell head over heels in love with this not-so-dull-after-all human girl? This is an AU of the entire Twilight Saga using an entirely different plot as to how, why, and when Edward and Bella fell in love. It offers a different explanation for what was so special about Bella Swan, why Edward vigilantly enforced those physical boundaries, why there's tension between the Cullens and the wolves, and why Edward behaved the way he did not only with Bella but with his family. Expect romance, mystery, angst, and humor. It has canon pairings, and does not have BxExJ.

The story is told out of chronological order and you can expect it to be long, detailed, with a complicated mystery that kicks in about chapter twelve. The first eleven chapters of this story come across as light-hearted, comedic with a twinge of angst, and seem to loosely follow canon - the prologue especially. Don't be fooled into thinking it's a post-Eclipse/Pre-Breaking Dawn clone.

Starting with the Heart of Darkness arc, is the genesis of the tale, and it is told from EPOV. The style will change at that point as well. You would have no problem understanding this story if you want to start there - although if you do, please promise me you'll read both twelve and thirteen. The last line of thirteen makes me misty-eyed. At the conclusion of the back story, we'll pick up where chapter eleven left off to conclude our tale by starting its final arc. If I do it right, the Heart of Darkness arc should make the first eleven chapters take on a different meaning.

This story is rated M because of occasional naughty language, violence (or implied violence) against humans, vampires, werewolves, animals, insects, minding their own business pajamas, entities, books, coffee tables, leather recliners, sword ferns, shrubs, rocks, and worst of all...trees. It is also rated M due to excessive snarkiness by a dark Edward, references to underage drinking, practical jokes and/or enthusiastic tormenting of secondary characters particularly Mike Newton, Jacob Black, and Charles Swan, and sexual content. If suspense and violence disturbs you, this might not be the story for you. If you have any further questions about the content of this story before beginning it, please feel free to PM me.

I have links on my profile for pictures that I use with some of the chapters that help clarify the content. There is one for this section that shows a place Edward likes to go to think.

All Hail to my amazing validating beta vjgm

Many thanks to LJ Summers and Fantasy Mother for beta-ing this chapter.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of the Twilight Saga. The author of Cullenary Coupling is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended, and I will never make a dime from this. All original characters in the story are mine. So there.

I answer every review. But if you have your PM's disabled, then I cannot contact you. The prologue sets up the story, and the humor kicks in during chapter one.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Prologue

Greeting their mates, three of the Cullen men boisterously entered the mansion in Forks, trailed by a reticent fourth, having returned from a four-day hunting excursion carousing through the Canadian wilderness. Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett dashed to the sides of their overjoyed spouses, and the lone male vampire in the room cast his eyes aside, as he shrugged off his muddy coat and hung it on a hook. Instead of his fiancée, Edward found a note waiting for him. It read, "With Dad, Seth and Leah. Back at 4. Promise." He traced with his index finger the heart she had drawn at the bottom of the card.

Edward's olfactory senses, combined with the unspoken exclamations accompanied by crinkled nostrils from the Cullen women, told him that the hunting party badly needed to bathe. Due to accumulation of scents from dispatching and feeding from Roosevelt elk, mud from a fraternal wrestling match, and smoke from the campfire that Emmett had insisted on making over Edward's protests, they all reeked. Longingly, Edward calculated the minutes until he could see his Bella, factoring in taking time to shower and change.

"You go away for a few days and return the incarnation of Pig Pen from the Peanuts," Rosalie pushed her husband up the staircase, "Move it, buster."

Edward winced as he heard the door slam and lock in Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom accompanied by the sound of fabric tearing and earthy moans, of "I love you honey, but you really do stink," as Rosalie encouraged her mate to turn on the water and . . . Edward now had even more motivation to move at a speed the human eye could not capture, yet he remained feet glued to the front hallway's wooden floor and stared at the note.

Escaping through the back door, Alice and her husband ran hand-in-hand for the woods and considerately increased their speed in order to protect the occupants of the mansion from Jasper's gift. Edward attempted to free his mind of the mental image of what Alice had planned for her husband in their marital hot tub. Gulping, Edward shuddered in discomfort at the embarrassing reason why those siblings required separate quarters. He silently thanked the Heavens above that they had never repeated the infamous episode from fifty years ago in which Jasper's empathic enhanced feelings of passion for his spouse had impacted every vampire in the house. Despite the marching of time's fleet boots, he still recalled the agony caused by the bombardment of such powerful perceptions from every family member. And the impact on his own body - he cringed in remembrance.

Few things disturbed him more than being out of control, and at the first blast of passion and salacious thoughts, Edward had instinctively fled in horror in the sub-zero Alaskan blizzard. Unfortunately, his parents and siblings had not possessed such strong discipline. Circumstances had forced Edward to camp out for a very lonely eight months before he felt safe to return home.

In human terms, five seconds of time had elapsed since the men had crossed the threshold. Mentally bringing himself back to the present, Edward shook his head and tried to ignore the muted sounds now drifting from his parents' bedroom. Ew. From Carlisle's comments, Esme planned on wearing her nursing uniform once they finished their bath. . . There were many things he preferred not to have in his mental Rolodex concerning his family. He felt almost human in having that sentiment. Although he had only been in the house a few seconds, evidently, it was a few seconds too long.

Edward bolted for his car where he stored a bag packed for occasions such as this. Leaving Bella's note guarded in the trunk, he sprinted into the welcoming embrace of the green haven of the forest. Given the alternative, and despite his proper upbringing, he did not mind washing in a frigid lake in a deserted corner of the Olympic Park. Besides, ordinary vampires were not bothered by the temperature; so after ensuring he was alone Edward scrubbed the gore, filth, and smoke from his body at vampire velocity. He hid the bag with his soiled clothing in the branches of a tall tree, planned on reclaiming it later, and ran his favorite path. His hair dried in the wind.

Whereas he had grown accustomed to thinking of his existence a dichotomy of mortal and immortal, Edward now thought of his life in terms of Before Bella and After Bella. Prior to knowing her, Edward had regarded the soaring trees as his closest companions. They had kept his secrets, had not wanted anything from him, and had never argued.

Half an hour later, as a squirrel scampered away leaving him in peace, Edward sat on a branch high up in a tree. From his aerie fortress of reclusiveness he had a breathtaking view of the alpine scenery in the Olympic National Park. He had been so used to being on his own that his 'normal' sometimes struck him as a practice that Bella might find not-so-normal. Recalling the particular circumstances that led his sneakers to be swinging two hundred feet above the forest's floor, he wondered what Bella's reaction would be once she was immortal to the sounds of other vampires being intimate.

Instantly, he knew she would be mortified. With that image in mind, he cringed at the idea of her self-consciousness when she realized that others could hear them being affectionate, conjugally speaking, as well. Once he and Bella were properly married, in the State of Washington, Edward had every intention of making up for decades of abstinence and showing his wife the adoration she merited. He did not want to make her feel uncomfortable, so she truly had no idea of his difficulty in enforcing his gentlemanly upbringing. Considering her introverted personality, the notion of her discomfort with the family's close proximity, however, caused him considerable concern. Bella detested being the center of attention.

Alas, due to years of being on the receiving end of jests about his chaste nature, Edward could easily see Emmett aiming a skewering line or two at him, by habit, forgetting about his shy bride's new enhanced hearing range. The first time Emmett lobbed a tactless pun about their private life, Edward envisioned that Bella would avoid being intimate with him for months afterward, perhaps years. Leaving to live away from the family did not represent a viable option, as she would be a most likely raging newborn. Everyone with a lick of sense in the vampverse knew that newborns were hard to handle; and it would not be remotely practical, or safe to hie off alone with her. Eventually, he hoped, she would learn how to deal with their family's peculiar hearing abilities, but Edward preferred to postpone that trial as long as he possibly could.

Edward resolved to ask Esme to use her island when he returned home. Bella had mentioned more than once that she had enjoyed the warm weather in Arizona. She deserved to bask in sunlight before her spouse without fear of onlookers before her change. His eyes glazed over at the vision of Bella wearing a bikini. Utterly alone. No visitors. No men besides himself enjoying improper – he meant husbandly - intentions about his mate. No interruptions. For weeks. Edward fantasized of her walking in the sun's beams, long tresses kissed by gold lifted by the gentle breeze. He could see Fantasy Bella's initial hesitation at his regard before she broke into a luminous smile. Such a reward would make the current struggle to remain abstinent worthwhile, he decided. As an added benefit, he would not have to worry about his family mocking him - he meant them. He could keep their wedding night private as it should be.

Staring at his watch he realized the time and leapt to the ground below. After almost colliding with a tree, Edward elected to run one hundred fifty miles instead of his usual distance of seventy before seeing his beloved to ponder that scenario and work off some steam. One could not be too careful around his precious human fiancée. Bella would thank him for it later. Edward did not like to brag, but in that moment he felt like he was a vampire prince charming of consideration.

Two months later

Weeks before the wedding, Carlisle pounced upon Edward and insisted on having a 'sex talk' with his hapless son. Of course, the only positive side of this ambush was that Dr. Cullen the elder chose his time well. The females of the family were away and would be absent from the house for the next few hours. After sitting through a humiliating lecture on the theoretical mechanics of vampiric sexual intercourse with humans, Edward reminded Carlisle that he had graduated at the top of the class at not one, but two Ivy League medical schools. His Father smiled, briefly glanced at each graduation picture that hung on his office wall, congratulated Edward, and continued talking. Alas.

As the torture - parental lecture – continued, an outwardly composed Edward fumed behind a pious façade. Life was so unfair. Simply remaining a virgin all these years should illustrate his mastery at self-control. God knows he lusted after his bride. By all vampiric laws, since Bella was his singer, Nature dictated that he should have annihilated her on first scent, instead of stick around for all that falling in love business. Yet here he sat completely besotted with her and marveling at that fate. Vampirically speaking, Edward made Hercules appear like a weakling. He proved to himself daily running the equivalent of countless mental marathons that he exercised superior restraint in regards to Bella. Physically, he ran over five hundred miles a week to ensure that he kept his improper "urges" under control permitting him to be around his angel without that chomping-on-the-neck-in-all-the-wrong-ways business.

For the love of Pete, he had more experience being in a romantic relationship with a living human than the entire family combined. He knew his limits. Given his meticulous precautions and planning and research, what could possibly go wrong? Righteously, he thought, "Ever since Italy, I've been a model of vampiric control. Why else would I have even agreed to our bargain?"

His brothers entered the study. Apparently, they dreaded him having - what was it Jasper had called it? A prissy conniption fit. 'Ah, that's what he calls intellectual debating these days. Well, fine brothers dearest, have at it,' he declared. Not out loud. Why were they picking on him? He had carefully thought this through. He would not take risks with his Bella's safety. He knew better.

Their demeanor wiped the incipient irritated expression from Edward's face. Taking the chair to Edward's left, Emmett carefully lowered his massive frame. To leave, Edward would have to get past Emmett. Jasper took things one step further. Wintry-eyed, he leaned against the wall by the study door, arms crossed.

"So Edward, uh, we've been wondering how to ask you something," Emmett began. He clapped Edward across the shoulder in a brief one-armed man hug.

"Yes, Emmett?" Edward sighed wearily. Both men blocked their thoughts. This was fast becoming tedious.

"Well, the night you proposed, Alice had some sort of vision about the two of you - don't be mad!" he pleaded as Edward bristled. "She wanted to make sure we would be supportive of you. She never gave details. When we saw the spines on the sex manuals in your room had been cracked we kind of figured out what was going on. When you didn't bother to talk to any of us Jasper and I started to worry. We love Bella too, and we want the best for both of you."

Mystified and mortified, Edward cautiously asked, "I am not sure what you are trying to say. What does your love for Bella have to do with my and Bella's private life?"

Jasper baldly inquired, "How are you going to have sex with her as a human and not kill her?"

"I'll. Be. Careful," Edward icily replied. He gulped as he heard the triumphant mental snort from Jasper - apparently Alice really had held her tongue and they had guessed about the intimacy part with Bella as a human. Drat and damnation. He was toast.

"Leash your temper, Edward," Jasper insisted. "If you love Bella, you will be a man and directly answer the question." He paused and glared at Edward long enough for Edward to appreciate just how talented his brother had been as an interrogator during the Southern Wars. Alas. "How will you handle the strength difference? Has it even occurred to you that the simple decision of the sexual position you choose for your first time could kill her? Strength issues aside, what measures have you taken to control your blood lust?" Each question landed across Edward's stinging conscience like a cat-of-nine-tails.

Jasper reached casually to the bookshelf at his side, and withdrew a thick medical tome. Nonchalantly, he flicked open the cover and managed to split the book in half. It fell to the ground, pages fluttering.

"Oops," Jasper deadpanned.

They all stared at the corpse of the book's shattered spine twisted on the floor, pages writhing. Now this was becoming silly, Edward felt his composure slipping away as he tried to tear his gaze from the brown leather pieces on the carpet. He felt like an elephant had taken a seat on his sternum. How is it that everyone in the family seemed to think he was inept and incapable of caring for his bride?

Edward blustered, "I'll gorge myself the night before the wedding, of course. I have been researching for months. I have this under control. And the specifics of my and Bella's intimate life are none of your concern." Shifting in his chair, Edward looked away in discomfort. His fingers began to tap on the hand rest. Belatedly, Edward realized his father and brothers were staring pointedly at him and his hand froze.

Emmett chimed in, "Buddy, it is our business because you, in your inexperience, could easily kill Bella. Besides, you were the genius who decided to take her to a deserted island for your honeymoon."

Exasperated, Edward threw his hands up in the air and retorted, "I wanted privacy! We are always surrounded by others."

Jasper continued as if Edward hadn't even spoken, "There's also the issue that you have over a century's worth of sexual repression inside of you. How do you plan on letting that out in a way with your mortal wife that does not involve you losing control?"

Speaking of repression, Jasper was so uptight he'd only hold Alice's hand in public and that was toeing the line, Edward sniffed. And he has the gall to call me repressed? Mr. I-merrily-munched-on-mortals-for-decades-but-shiver-at-holding-my-wife-of-fifty-years'-hand-in-public is lecturing me? How ironic. And unfair. And so ending right now, thank you very much.

Aloud, Edward mildly rejoined, "What makes you the expert on human-vampire sexuality Jasper?"

Emmett was too stunned that his quiet brother was holding his own in a debate to speak.

Jasper studied the view from the window a moment, and suddenly the room was filled with emotions of shame and regret that made all that tension seem not so important, after all. Quietly, he explained, "I slept with five human women, Edward. Do you want to know how many actually survived the experience? Two. I had to change them all, and only one actually lived through the transition. I had been a vampire for sixty years, and before you ask, I, too, had gorged."

Edward began perusing the intricate carving of the clawed feet of Carlisle's desk. His survival instinct told him that it would be all kinds of awkward to point out to Jasper that his brother had been human blood dependent at the time, and therefore more prone to violence, while Edward relied upon other forms of sustenance to maintain his outstanding discipline. And he did not mean to be insensitive, but there was a substantial difference between intending to have loving marital relations with one human and fornicating with five human females at once. Mere manners kept him from saying so. Really, what had Jasper been thinking?

Emmett stayed frozen in his chair and made not a sound.

Elbows on the desk, his chin resting on his clasped hands, Carlisle moved his chair back and simply said, "Jasper, I'm so sorry. This discussion must be difficult for you."

Jasper nodded silently, and then turned his harsh stare back on Edward. "So yes, I think given my experience I am the closest thing to an expert in this house. We all know you're not going to ask the Denali sisters for advice. I cared for the welfare of all five of those women, but I did not love any of them." Edward could detect exactly how Jasper felt about that part of his history. So could his family. He remained silent.

When it became uncomfortable, Carlisle broke the quiet and asked, "Edward, how would you feel, loving Bella as you do, if you killed her because your pride would not permit you to accept help from your family? And if you do lose control, it would be a horrendous introduction to sex for Bella. Son, stop acting foolish."

From their thoughts, they envisioned all sorts of ghastly images that bounded into his brain. Of course, Jasper, hands down, was the winner in that round as all he had to do was remember what actually had happened with those five women. Desperately, Edward blocked them when he noticed his hands were shaking.

He fell on his last defense, "But Alice..." He had not asked her specifically for anything concerning his potential sex life with Bella; but she had seen their future as being happy.

Jasper interrupted, "Knows we are having this discussion with you, but not what we were going to say. Why do you think she created excuses for everyone to be out of the house? She wanted you to have privacy."

Under the withering force of Jasper's ruthless logic, Edward's ego deflated. Ever so kindly, his sibling added another blow. "For someone who overthinks everything Edward, I'm aghast at your carelessness. I don't know if anyone bothered to tell you; but next to the desire for blood, the sensations associated with sexual intercourse are the most powerful urge a vampire feels. During it, oftentimes even after feeding, you can experience raging blood lust. That is why Alice and I leave the house to be intimate. It is not simply about protecting you all from my empathic abilities. We have to hunt afterwards to recover, since it would be rather inconvenient if I beamed blood lust at the house, too. Remember, we've had fifty years to practice." Edward felt foolish - still in the moral high ground, yet foolish nonetheless.

Emmett offered Edward a sympathetic pat on the arm and said, "I've never told you this but Rose and I keep blood stored in our room so we don't have to leave the house after sex. The desire for blood can get pretty intense if you aren't prepared for it. And I don't have to worry too much about Rose's safety because she's immortal. I can't break her. Bella being human is not. Did you forget Phoenix and how easily she could be harmed? And even by human standards she's fragile."

As Edward realized the meaning of their words, he wilted. In his efforts to escape and afford his family privacy, he honestly had never bothered to notice. The manuals he had been reading probably did not mention this because vegetarians had different blood consumption habits than human blood dependent vampires did. He looked at Carlisle for confirmation and noted his silence, sinking down into his chair even more.

Then Emmett added insult to injury in his usual blunt manner.

"Edward, you've never even made it to second base for crying out loud! You've never had sex. How can you be careful when you don't know how you'll feel? The books you've been reading are all about vampires having sex with vampires. They do not say anything about having sex with humans, other than insisting it be avoided at all costs. Or did you not read that page in the manual? And buddy, the never wrote a manual about um, you."

Edward whispered, "Alice said it would work." Well, she hadn't precisely said that but she had meant it, he tried to say and choked instead.

Emmett answered calmly, "Alice also saw Bella dead a few months ago. Remember how accurate that vision was? As you well know Alice is not always 100% correct. Her visions depend upon tiny little decisions being made. Do you really want to have your wedding night spent with you having Alice on speakerphone during sex with Bella checking your every move before you touch your wife? Gee that sounds like a happy honeymoon to me. That would scar Bella for eternity. My man, you'd never get any after that."

Jasper added the coup de grace, "With all that you have been through, you know better than to assume that you will have perfect control, Edward. Clearly, you're still too young to think things through."

Edward gulped. He remained silent. They had all made their point. He was a buffoon. A thoughtless selfish one. And he wasn't Emmett's 'man' he was his brother. He'd have to clear up that confusion later.

"Did the agreement entail vaginal intercourse, or could you simply use your hands or mouth to fulfill your end of the bargain?" Carlisle gently inquired. Edward cringed at his Father's thoughts that accompanied the word "mouth." Carlisle gave new meaning to the phrase nibbling on the ear.

Faced with his family's arguments, Edward finally broke. Briefly, he hung his head in his hands as his mind raced. Then he exploded, "I promised to try." He sat uncomfortably in the room as his family waited for him to continue talking, damn them. Seven interminable minutes later he realized they were going to wait him out. So he spoke in a shaky voice, "I planned to go slowly and . . .." his voice evaporated.

Jasper snorted.

Defensively, Edward sat straighter in his chair, "That is why I have been reading all the manuals. I do not want to disappoint her, and I need to keep my word. I chose the island because I did not want her to be self-conscious." Earnestly, he continued, "Bella is shy. She embarrasses so easily, and takes everything so personally. She would not be comfortable having sexual intercourse knowing you all were nearby. I wanted to make her first time special. I did not want her to fear intimacy as a result of keeping my word, though." Edward's face crumpled. He appeared like he was going to hyperventilate.

Emmett decided some humor was in order now that they had made their point. He mock-chided Edward, "You know you would have been far better off if you would have just slept with Tanya a few times to get some practice seventy years ago when she first tried to seduce you. We all saw her naked, and she was hot, even if she had the extreme version of a Brazilian. But don't worry, since she and her family are coming tomorrow, you might get your chance. You could learn a thing or two from her that might be useful. And we all know she'd be such an eager instructor."

Edward's lip curled in revulsion as ticked his fingers with each point, "Did it ever occur to you that; first, I was not attracted to someone who simply tired to seduce me for sport? Simply because my lack of interest was breaking her track record? Besides, grass does not grow on a heavily trod path." He may have had a fourth point but the laughter drowned it out.

Jasper, Emmett, even the always kind Carlisle chortled at his uncharacteristically blunt words. If it were possible for vampires to cry while laughing, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett would have needed handkerchiefs by now.

"Well, hey Edward," Emmett guffawed, "I think if you want to stick to your original plan you should just sit Bella down. Why not tell her that you plan on sleeping with a few human girls in the next two weeks to make sure they survive the process, for research purposes? I'm sure Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley would be eager to give you a hand. Bella is so kind and selfless, I'm sure she would give you her blessing. Particularly on Lauren."

They all burst into laughter again. Emmett, damn him, had a point. Bella really would kill him if he made that suggestion. Not, mind you, that he even considered engaging in that particular activity with anyone else. He had standards. Some.

"Thank you for your concern. I will give your arguments serious consideration. Can we talk about alternatives later on this evening? I have to find a way of upholding my promise to her, and keeping her happy."

On that note, Edward retreated from the study. The second he was out of sight, his tranquil features uncharacteristically betrayed his inner terror and he raced to his room. Drat, Jasper would catch that. He needed to consult his reference books. As he stared at the shelves of them he wondered how he could possibly make this work. He was running out of time.

Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper all watched Edward depart. They could tell they had managed to convey their point, despite their brother's stubborn nature. Jasper rejoiced when he felt the panic from Edward because hopefully that meant he finally understood the depth of his stupidity.

Carlisle wrote on a piece of paper, "Jasper, I think we made our point clear. How was he feeling?"

At vampire speed, Jasper scribbled, "Complete panic and shame and regret. I'll have a better idea tonight, but I think he's going to be open to our help."

Emmett wrote, "How are we going to do that? They're going to be on an island alone."

Jasper responded, "No, Emmett, they're not. We're going to sneak in ahead of them. I've already figured out a plan. It's brilliant and Edward will still be keeping his word to Bella."

They managed to carry out this activity while conducting a conversation about the latest adjustments they planned on making to Emmett's jeep, while pretending to draw plans for modifications. It's not like Edward could see what they were doing, and he'd expect them to block their thoughts after a conversation like that, regardless.

Upstairs in his room, Edward sighed. He closed the reference book he had consulted. His brothers and Father were right. Pride smarting, he returned to the study and entered to face his family and own up to his foolishness.

"I would appreciate any help you have to offer, provided it is conducted in a manner that keeps Bella from being humiliated. I have to leave now, but can we talk later tonight? I have to pick up Bella in a little while."

They all agreed and he left the house. With all the wedding activities going on, he realized just how hectic everything was going to be for the next few days. The only way he had begrudgingly agreed to being subjected to a bachelor party was if it was done far in advance of the actual wedding. Tonight, unfortunately, was the night. He was going to be busy running errands right up to the moment the party started. Edward worried because he would not be in the house when Bella met the Denali sisters in person for the first time. Thankfully Alice and Rosalie and the rest of the family had promised to help his beloved. He could not understand why his bride acted so insecure about the Denali sisters. Bella was the only woman he had ever loved. He vowed to remind her again once he saw her of how much she meant to him.

Edward had a lot of thinking to do. His family had made him realize that he had been hasty in his planning. He could never be too careful with his Bella. He was almost desperate to hear Jasper's plan - the weasel was blocking his attempts to read his mind at present. All this talk about intimacy with his bride made him realize he needed to go running immediately. He had to calm himself from having improper thoughts so he could maintain his control when he saw Bella. After all, his angel deserved the very best.

Please review! It inspires snark.

Snarky Summary: Edward, Mr. I'm-too-morally-superior-to-even-think-the-word-'masturbation' is one seriously uptight dude that could set records in Victorian propriety – I mean repression. Really. Once he's legally married, he can't wait to cook up a little somethin' somethin' with Bella. Just not right now. Carlisle insists on having a tutorial with his son about the How To's of Somethin' Somethin' 501, much to Edward's annoyance. His brothers join in on the fun. Edward accidentally sort of spills about the "deal" with Bella. Thanks to Jasper, Edward goes from haughty and snotty to freaked out in under five minutes flat. Thanks Jasper. But Jasper has a plan to save the world – I mean Bella. Really. Stay tuned for the next edition of As the Virgin Squirms.

Thanks for reading and please leave me a review if you have the time. Also, I love humor, anyone who writes anything that strikes my funny bone will get a chapter or an in-joke shout out written to them. I have had readers make insightful observations about chapters I posted eight months ago, that I've gone back into that chapter and rewritten a line to make something clearer, or clarified things in an AN, so please know that I do value your feedback, regardless of the section of the story you are reading.

There's a thread for this story on the AU forum on Twilighted where I regularly post teasers. Please come and stop by if you can.

1. I'd like to emphasize that this is AU and I will not be retelling the same events from the Twilight Saga, although it's going to seem canon at first. I will instead be addressing themes I found interesting using a different plot. If you want to know more about that I've left a note on my profile on this site. Also, I have divided the chapters into arcs simply to make sense of them in my mind. Please do not consider the first eleven chapters the real story. All of it is the real story. And all of it will be addressed in this tale.

2. Just wanted to give you a heads up that this is written from 3rd person limited POV for the first eleven chapters, not omniscient.

References

There seems to be some disagreement as to the origin of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." See? http:/www (dot) samueljohnson (dot) com/road (dot) html

I can't claim the 'grass doesn't grow on a heavily trod path,' line - it's from Barbara Tuchman's (1978) A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous 14th Century.

Just reading about the Brazilian wax dealio makes me cringe. See? http:/beauty (dot) about (dot) com/od/hairremoval/ht/bikiniwax (dot) htm

I tweet when I post teasers and updates. You can follow me on Twitter at Bookishqua

I'll follow you back.

While Edward is off running errands for the wedding, Tanya and Bella are going to have a wild first meeting in the first chapter. You'll find out about Jasper's plan in Chapter Two. I'm hoping you like Tanya, because I think she's hilarious.

Preview of Chapter One:

"Well, I don't mean to be unkind, but that face you keep making at me, it makes your wrinkles stand out. Alice you never told me that vampires could get wrinkles," Bella accused and turned to glare at her future sister-in-law. "How old are you anyway Tanya? How old were you when you were turned? I want to make sure my Edward turns me the right way so I don't have to worry about frown lines." She glanced up and down Tanya's figure, then added in absentmindedly, "And sagging."

"Sagging? I don't sag, you foolish girl" Tanya hissed.

"Your left breast does," Bella shot back.