The final chapter of the FFXII version of Random Bits. I enjoyed writing this fic so much, that I have decided to divide my time between writing for both games. I did not check this chapter for errors, just in case you find more than usual. Contact me if there are any really horrible ones. I hope you enjoy the final chapter of the pilot for FF12 Random Bits 00!

Chapter 4

:Setting - Vaan, Penelo, Fran, and Balthier, struck with a bad case of loneliness, have decided to have a reunion (not the kind where anyone is infected with cells and the whole city is attacked by Remnants, just a plain old reunion of friends). They have invited their companions and are seeing to the preparations.:

:Location - Rabanastre - the Sandsea - An uncomfortable explanation of 'footsie' has been avoided and Vaan is gloating over his prank. Everyone has a little too much sugar in their systems and like alcohol, it tends to bring out the unexpected…not to mention the ugly.:

Fran and Balthier stopped their bickering and stared at each other in silence, then slowly turned to look at Vaan. The blond teen was rocked back in his chair, watching the whole exchange with an impish grin and exuding smugness.

"You!" the senior pirates growled in unison, the word sizzling with loathing. The grin crouching so comfortably on Vaan's lips suddenly dropped off like the last bit of popsicle off the stick and his eyes bulged. He sat rigid in terror, showing no signs of moving, so it was up to his subconscious to kick a few glands into sending a rush of adrenaline to his muscles and propel the boy out of his seat in a thrashing of limbs.

Once out of the chair and speeding away from his irate companions, Vaan did what most people do in this situation…he stopped and looked back to see if he was being chased. Maybe it is instinct or just human curiosity that compels someone being pursued to pause and see if the danger is still back there, but what ever it is, its stupid. A professional survivor never stops or risks a backwards glance because 1) obstructions like walls, roots, poles, cliffs, and pits tend to suddenly spring out in front of you, and 2) if it is scary enough to run away from why would you want to keep looking at it? If you look at something scary long enough you become desensitized to, so it would make much more sense to let the imagination fill in all the horrifying details and make it much worse, thus giving you all the more reason to run faster. That way you can run on the wings of terror, avoid obstacles, and stand a chance of escaping.

Vaan came to a full stop, turned to look and was collared into a headlock by Balthier. Struggling all the while, the young orphan was dragged back to the table where his companion pulled over a multilayered pudding with the satisfied sigh of, "Ah! This will do nicely." The boy took a moment to gnaw desperately on the man's arm as he turned to his viera partner and holding out an arm said,

"Fran, would you be so kind?"

Fran looked down at the proffered appendage for a moment, then rolled the sleeve up. Baltheir nodded his thanks and, after dipping a generous handful out of the bowl, ground the pudding into Vaan's scalp.

"Alright, that's enough. Leave him alone." Penelo demanded as the sky pirate reached the bottom of the bowl and graciously allowed Fran to choose the next dessert.

Balthier ignored the girl, his AWR still on the fritz, and remembered too late that while a sweet girl, Penelo could be a real harpy when roused, especially when it came to Vaan. Still it was quite a shock when she snatched up a whole cherry cobbler and hurled it at Balthier. There was a long hissing sound and the near implosion of the Sandsea as everyone breathed in and retained breath at once. All eyes watched as the cobbler arched gracefully through the air with quite a bit of force because Penelo did not throw like a girl and exploded on impact. Balthier screamed like he'd been shot, face twisting in agony as the cobbler laminated itself across his vest in an explosion of cherries and syrup.

At the table Ashe couldn't help but giggle as the pirate sagged dramatically against another table, clutching his chest as if wounded. Temptation niggled away at Courtly Manners as Mischief informed her that there were still plenty of desserts left on the table. She was silently admonishing herself when a custard pie slid daintily in front of her plate. She glanced at Larsa in surprise as the boy treated her to a lopsided grin and he said, "We might as well."

"It's quite delicious." Fran teased her partner, picking bits of cobbler off of her companion. Balthier rolled a reproachful eye at her then, scraping a handful of cherries off his shirt, wiped it down her face and opened his mouth to spew what was sure to be a sarcastic comment… Fran stared at him, one ear drooping in irritation. Without warning, she snatched a cupcake from the table and crammed it into his opened mouth. After a brief gurgle of surprise from Balthier, they both glared silently at each other.

From their companions' point of view, it looked like an anti-wedding reception. Only instead of playfully feeding each other bits of cake and gazing lovingly at one another, the new couple try to asphyxiate each other with huge chunks of cake while glaring at each other with open contempt. "And that's your last clean blouse." the viera snarled with malevolent cheer, watching the pirate bristle with indignation.

"It's not a bl-!" Balthier snapped vehemently before a custard pie splattered through his hair.

Laughing like mad, Larsa and Ashe attacked, hurling desserts indiscriminately. A full scale food fight soon erupted. Two tables were overturned and an invisible line was drawn. It was Pirates against Royalty and One Commoner. Occasionally one of the table barricades would roll over to Dessert HQ to reload, then roll away again.

Basch sat through it all, methodically working his way through the remains of an apple pie, occasionally dodging the globs, dollops, clumps, or slices that came his way due to bad aim or over enthusiasm. Some of the pieces had bites taken out of them because a food fight made for hungry work. A hand attempted to take his pie, but Basch fended it off with a few stabs from his fork and a grunt of, "Your pardon, Princess." the Judge moved his plate out of reach as the Pirate trio's barricade rolled up for more ammo. Basch knew it was the Pirates because the Royalty and One Commoner's table didn't have a pair of bunny ears sticking up over the top.

Ashe hurled a jelly, grenade style, and was rewarded with a dismayed yelp. Now on the offensive Ashe and her team rose and peppered the opposition with an assortment of sugary tarts, the large sugar crystals on which could be quite dangerous if gotten in the eyes. Things were going well, until they were suddenly plunged into darkness.

"Hey! No fair! You can't use magic!" Penelo complained, Blinded.

"And that's very ungentlemanly of you." Larsa added.

"We're pirates, we don't play fair and we aren't gentleman." Vaan called back haughtily.

"Speak for yourself." Balthier chided, "I'm always a gentleman."

"You're not a pirate!" Penelo retorted, "You're just a wannabe!"

"Oh yeah? Take that!" Vaan snapped, hurling handfuls of what had once been individual species of desserts, but had over the course of time evolved into a nondescript amalgamation of multicolored mush.

Under the cover of the girlish screams, because all girls scream like girls and Larsa hadn't hit puberty yet, Fran, Balthier and Vaan carried out phase two of their plan. Ashe, Penelo, and Larsa crawled around blindly behind their barricade, expecting a hail of food at any moment. Inches away from each other, they groped around wildly at first, then more hesitantly as questing fingers found their way to areas best left unexplored.

There is a unique response hardwired directly to the hindbrain that deals with sudden blindness. This response is to stumble around wildly, waving the arms and loudly shouting 'I can't see! I can't see!' Group blindness triggers something similar to the Lemming Effect in which the victim spurs the whole group into rushing around madly, despite any danger, amidst cries of 'I'm blind!', 'Where are you?', 'Over here!', and 'Over where?' The cries are usually followed by either very long of very brief screams, depending on what obstacles or enemies are in proximity.

Luckily Larsa found his Eyedrops and when their vision was restored, the Royalty and One Commoner launched an all out attack on the Pirates. The trio rushed the enemy barricade, screaming battle cries and hurling food while Ashe hung back to provide cover fire. Too late did they realize that the viera ears they were attacking were just a decoy. The ears were really a pair of cleverly folded napkins tied to an arrow stuck in the underside of the table. Realism had been added by dipping the tips of the 'ears' in chocolate syrup. The decoy left the two teens baffled just long enough for Vaan to leap out of his hiding place and captured Ashe.

It happened to fast that the usual post-capture scream of surprise found itself out on its metaphorical ear (it eventually found other work as a Scream of Rage, Squeal of Glee, Shriek of Maniacal Laughter, and very briefly, a Death Rattle). Ashe suddenly found herself being held in what was known as a Desperation Hold. It is similar to a Submission Hold, but has no set technique or form. It is literally any way you can hold on to someone that will keep them from escaping or hitting, kicking, stabbing, or robbing you. It was a great skill and worked surprisingly well. Many a thief suddenly found himself pinned down with their own leg wrapped around their neck while the granny they had been attempting to rob screamed for help at the top of her lungs.

Had this Desperation Hold had a name, it would have been something like 'straight jacket'. Ashe's arms had been pulled in opposite directions across the front of her body, which was leaning forward and balanced precariously on one leg, the other of which was being held slightly off the ground by one of Vaan's feet. Balanced as she was, Ashe vaguely resembled the classic 'winged woman' hood ornament.

Larsa and Penelo, realizing that they had been had, spun around to see that Ashe was now in enemy hands. Balthier was holding a dangerous looking muffin next to her face in a threatening way. The sugar crystals looked exceptionally large and particularly sharp.

"It seems we have the upper hand. I should give up, if I were you." the blueberry stained pirate said in classic gloating villain style. Behind him, Fran rolled her eyes. It was so cliché, all that was missing was the full-voice hearty laugh.

"Never!" Larsa shouted gallantly, then attacked the purple faced pirate. Taken slightly aback, Balthier dropped the muffin and back pedaled. They sky pirate kept the flailing boy at arm's length by the simple maneuver of a hand on his forehead.

The two danced around for a few moments until One Commoner hit Balthier at knee height, taking him down. Fran ignored his cries for help. He deserved a little punishment for that cliché line earlier. Besides, she needed a drink. Food fights were thirsty work. The Viera excused herself and descended the stairs to get a drink. The last she saw of Balthier, he had somehow risen and was stumbling around with Larsa hanging from his neck and Penelo holding tight to his leg.

"I need a little help over here!" Vaan grunted to the pirate as Ashe began struggling wildly. "Well, I'm in a bit of a bind myself over here." Balthier replied a mite chagrined, trying to shake Larsa off his neck. "I'm sure you can-No biting!" he suddenly squealed as Penelo got a little over enthusiastic.

"But I'm losing my-!" Vaan began, only to be suddenly knocked over backwards as the princess threw herself into him. They went down in a tangle of limbs. The pirate-in-training and the soon-to-be-Queen wrestled on the floor as one tried to escape and the other tried to hold on.

The Sandsea's door was suddenly flung open and handful of palace guards clattered heroically in. Had the background music not been turned up for the party, Ashe and company might have heard the fanfare of the Rescue Party. The guards glanced curiously at the viera having a drink at the bar then charged up the stair to the loft. They clattered to a halt as they crested the stairs and milled in uncertainty, trying to make sense of the odd scene before them. They postured and brandished their weapons for something to do. Before them was princess Ashellia valiantly struggling against a young man, the Archadian prince giving a richly dressed man what for, a young woman that they had often seen dancing in the Bazaar clinging to the same man's leg, and what looked like a Judge Magister enjoying a pie. And there was food everywhere.

The guards jumped to the obvious conlcusion.

"That man is assaulting the princess!" one shouted, pointing a finger that vibrated with almighty incredulity.

"And that one is attacking Lord Larsa Solidor!" a second guard shouted. They royal guards paused and watched the lordling maneuver Balthier into a headlock. This was quite a feat, considering that the boy was a good deal lighter and several heads shorter than the sky pirate. There was also the fact that the boy's feet weren't even touching the ground as he dangled from the man's back.

One of the guards took in Balthier's blueberry stained face and called encouragingly, "That's the way milord! He isn't half purple!"

"Oi!" another guard suddenly gasped, "He's kidnapping the princess!" Vaan, who had wrestled Ashe off the floor and was carrying her struggling body towards a promising looking fruit salad, froze.

"Get your filthy hands off Lady Ashe." the captain growled, "No one can touch the princess!" Vaan didn't hesitate. He yanked his hands back, leaving Ashe to fall to the food smeared floor with a thump.

"How dare you!" the captain snapped. Vaan immediately bent to help her up.

"Don't touch her!" spat another guard, encouraged by his captain's outburst. Vaan spent several confused minutes in which the guards alternately shouted at him for not helping Ashe up and for daring to touch her in order to help her up. Finally Ashe had enough.

"Everybody shut up!

There was instant silence in which drawn weapons waved in embarrassment. Grumbling to herself, Ashe got to her feet and smoothed out her clothes. After a moment one of the guards hesitantly raised a hand. "Majesty? Should we arrest the lot of them now and give them a good thrashing?"

"No!" Ashe snapped in exasperation.

"A public flogging? Those are always popular with the townspeople."

"No."

"A light beating, then?" the guard ventured hopefully.

"No!" Ashe replied sternly. "And no manhandling, arm twisting, ear boxing, or anything that involves the use of boiling oil, tar, or red hot pokers." she said in response to the several hands that were cautiously raised.

"What I would like you to do," Ashe began, "Is to get-!"

An arm was thrown around her and a small object was held close to the crown princess's face in a less than friendly manner.

"Right then," Balthier's said conversationally, "It seems we have the upper hand." He ignored the amused snort from Fran. "If you gentlemen would lower your arms, and do as I say, we'll all get along famously."

"Watch it men, he's holding a lemon wedge!" the captain of the palace guard cautioned, gesturing wildly for his men to lower their swords. "The juice stings like the devil if you get it in your eyes!"

"Now, we'll just be going down the stairs now and off to skies unexplored," Balthier said cheerfully, "And you poor overworked, underpaid gentlemen will kindly give us wide berth…that's berth with an 'e'." he snapped as Vaan opened his mouth. The party bunched together behind Balthier, the guards grimacing and posturing impotently. They occasionally feigned a thrust with a sword or spear.

Having finished his pie, Basch leisurely rose from his seat and cast a curious glance at his companions. The opposing groups were frozen in their current positions glaring at each other suspiciously. If he left it up to them, they would be here all day. Basch made a show of grasping his helmet and putting it on in a manner that clearly said 'I mean business, yo.' Now wearing the elaborate helmet, which gave him a much more threatening presence, Basch became the center of the guards' attention.

"Step aside." he said, his voice echoing from the cold, shadowy depths of his helm like the last bell toll at a funeral. Metal clanked and rattled as the armored men scuttled away from the foot of the stairs. It was either that, or be mowed down as the Judge swept down the steps ahead of Larsa. The Pirates, Royalty, and One Commoner followed closely as Larsa's bodyguard strode confidently past the guards as if they were nothing more than a few more bits of furniture on the way to the door.

There was a tense moment of shuffling and sidling as the two groups orbited around Basch. After several revolution, Ashe and her companions ended up nearest the the companions moved outside the door, Balthier paused just inside for a little theatrics, because if you were going to make an exit, it might as well be done with flare. Knowing he was going to make one of his grand parting remarks, the Fran grabbed the back of his vest and pulled. Several of the guards shifted, embarrassed for the young man as he clawed ineffectively at the door frame before disappearing through it, his grand parting speech unmade.

As the door swung closed, the captain turned and, setting his jaw in grim determination, nodded to his men.

"All right lads, after them!" he commanded smartly. The previously off-balance guards snapped to attention and marched purposefully forward. They didn't get far.

One of the doors swung open again and Ashe appeared in the doorway. She stopped them with a scowl. "I command you not to follow me."

The guards sagged, crestfallen. "But princess," the captain pleaded, "We must give chase." There was a chorus of agreeing mutters.

"I'm giving you a direct order." Ashe countered coldly. "But it's in the Rules, Majesty." a second guard nearly whined, his fellows twisting with unease. "It'll be three days in the stocks with no coffee, and up before the Council for a flogging if we let you go." he continued, hopping from foot to foot in nervousness.

Ashe contemplated this for a moment. She wasn't an unreasonable princess after all. "Very well then, but," she conceded, holding up a finger as her loyal guards shuffled excitedly, "You must give us to the count of twenty and pursue at a leisurely pace to give us enough time to escape."

"Agreed." the captain said with a bow. "You heard the Lady. Someone start counting."

Several minutes later the guards were having a leisurely jog through the city, making a show of shoving slower moving pedestrians out of the way, as they headed towards the palace.

"Look, sir!" a guard said, drawing his captain's attention to the ship hovering over the royal palace. As they watched, a tiny figure could be seen climbing onto one of the balconies and waving as the ship departed. The captain turned back to his men and motioned them closer.

"Right. Okay men," he said, "We're going to take a quick run 'round the city and be sufficiently out of breath by the time we reach the palace. Then we're all going to spend the next few days complimenting the Lady Ashe on her royal survival skills. We're all going to say what an outstanding princess she is, that she can bully her kidnappers in to letting her go and even giving her a ride back to the palace. And then we're all going to keep our heads down and be the most attentive and alert palace guards in Ivalice."

End.

Let's hear it for the overworked and underpaid palace guards. Incidentally they are hiring and offer a life of exciting city chases, three square meals, free room and board, self defense training, free uniforms (complete with your choice of horned or pointy helmet), and superior officers with a unique sense of humor.