In honor of (and spoilering for, by the way) the fourth season premiere, a little bit about Shawn's relationship confusion with Juliet and Abigail.

37) Eyes

He's serious about Abigail.

Shawn is, really is for once in his life. He's serious, and while he wouldn't go so far as to call it love – in fact, he'd scoff and then bluster freaked-out-edly for a while – there's definitely a deep attachment there. A connection he wants, something that may (or may not) have been partially responsible for his complete lack of responsibility and/or lasting or even emotionally involved relationships ever.

So obviously, important. Serious. Real.

And yet… there's something else. Someone else.

Good lord, Shawn hates himself for thinking even that, because this is Abigail, he's already messed up so bad with her, he needs her and how could he ever even think about someone else while he's with her? It's cheating, is what it is, and Shawn doesn't do that. Ever.

He's so incredibly grateful for the code he made in first grade that it is "absolutely not the thought that counts when the thought is against the rules". A bit blunt about the mental mayhem going on, yes, but a very convenient loophole. If a bit tight, since it was thought up by a six-year-old, and not even Shawn is that gutsy.

He's such a hopeless fool.

All this is going to come crashing down, he knows it deep inside, and all he's doing is prolonging the inevitable. Because really, he saw it coming, the answer lay in the length of time he hesitated before making his decision.

But what a douche-ass move it would've been, to walk out on Abigail then. Serial killer or no, if he left (again), for another girl no less, he'd never forgive himself. And neither, of course, would she.

Shawn knows all this and he's happy with Abigail and he… really really really likes her, but damnit, there's always her in the background!

Juliet. Jules. The girl who (he can admit it) had become the Abigail of his new life. The one he chased relentlessly, the one he'd be shocked if she agreed, and then would probably be too much of a coward to show up, because he just cared too much. She was his new Abigail, the same and yet so, so different, and then the old Abigail, the original Abigail, just popped out of the past and messed everything up.

Not that he resents her. He's happy with her.

But Jules…

It's all, Shawn thinks, her eyes' fault. That's the image he can't get out of his fucking head late at night, those eyes when she actually, miraculously, came to him, asked him out, wanted to try.

Those eyes, so expressive and there, and then when he basically just rejected her, those same goddamn eyes, so blue.

God, they were haunting him worse than Scary Sherry ever could. It killed.

Everywhere he turned, those eyes confronted him, so alluring that he didn't know what to do, but very wrongbadno things.

He wouldn't do them. He wouldn't, but the thoughts wouldn't stop, and Abigail didn't deserve this.

Shawn was caught. Caught between some eyes and a come-true dream. The only question was which would win him over in the end.

At this point, he really didn't know.