If I Were Gay

~By Shimegami-chan
Shounen-ai ahead.

We're sitting in the dark corner, tankards in hands, and he's the one who breaks the silence this time. "Twenty, huh."

"What?"

He smiles, the expression almost malicious in the dim light. "I would be twenty years old today, Hattori."

"Kudo..." I can't help frowning. I'm so used to his smaller form that I sometimes forget how hard it must be for him. I don't like thinking about it. "It's not so bad. You've gotten this far."

"Haha." Kudo takes a long draw of the amber liquid. The effect would have been comical-looking on any other child. Not him.

But I don't know what to say to help, so I say the only thing he can think of, watching my friend drain the tankard of beer. "...You shouldn't drink that much. You know how easily you'll-"

"I can hold my alcohol, Hattori."

"But that pipsqueak of a body-" I cut myself off. Even I know that this is the wrong time to rib about it.

"I don't care, Hattori." He's trembling as he says it, and I know he's lying, even though the beers we've been sharing have already made him more truthful in the past three hours than he's ever been before. I wish I hadn't been the first one Ran had called when she'd found his bed empty this morning. I wish I hadn't been so worried, catching the next bullet train out of Osaka.

I wish I hadn't been the one to find him, getting drunk and depressed in the basement of his quiet, empty house.

"Hattori." Kudo's voice has gone quiet. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About...you...and me."

What he'd said. What he'd said had tied knots in my stomach, a blow so unexpected that my knees had weakened. It was the drink, I'd thought. It was the drink...wasn't it? But I wanted to hear more, so I sat down beside him, and then we were pouring for each other. Hoping that maybe we could get to the truth. People like Kudo and I didn't usually drink - it dulled the wits. Maybe just this once, I had thought, it'd be all right. "It's fine. I'm glad you told me."

He looks almost hopeful, but it's difficult to tell why. Because I'm not mad? Because maybe...he might hope, might dream that...

His youthful face closes up, but he still smiles. He understands why I can't say anything. "Thanks."

"Kudo...if you don't mind me asking...about Ran..."

His voice is hoarse. "She's slipped away more and more since I last saw her...as myself. I was just being selfish, keeping her waiting like that. I thought she was the one...I swear I did. "

"I'm sorry," I whisper, but that's not enough. "I guess I can see why you're...down."

His small lips curl into a smile. He doesn't look ten or even twenty - that serious expression could have belonged to an old, old soul. "I'm glad you found me."

His glasses are on the floor, his jacket and bow tie in a pile. Cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, he still manages to look like the street-smart detective I've called friend for the past four years. His eyes, pupils dilated, fix on me, and I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking.

I'm sure he knows already that I never hoped to be anything more than his friend; he must, for nothing escapes the Great Detective of the East. And yet guilt still pangs at my heart, and I can't tell why. It's not my fault I don't feel...more than that. I have Kazuha, and he knows it...and he has Ran.

Had Ran.

Not out of pity, never out of pity, but...as I was looking at those soft blue eyes, I thought, maybe... "Kudo..."

He knows. He knows.

"H-Hattori..." Kudo sets the tankard down with a loud thump. "It's okay. It'll be just like always. I wish I hadn't said anything. Okay?"

I take another long draw of my own beer, if only to have an excuse to look away from that expression on his face. I'm trying to be casual when I set the tankard down, but I knock over all the empty bottles, spilling the dregs onto the Kudos' Persian rug.

I grab for the empties and stand them upright, but Kudo hasn't moved. He's still staring at me, and I realized that I haven't responded at all. "It's okay. Just like always...no problem."

"But you came all the way from Osaka for me?"

"I was worried about you, idiot."

He smiles. "I'm ten years old. I can take care of myself, Hattori."

I just laugh. "Sure you are. Ten and going on sixty, ojisan. I'm surprised that little body," I gesture at the bottles, "could hold all this."

"I needed it. I never drink. Neither do you." He raises an eyebrow.

I shrug. "For my friend's twentieth birthday? It's a special occasion."

"Happy double-digits to me. And you came alone? No Kazuha? You always bring Kazuha."

Now he sounds bitter. What did I say? "No. She has plans."

Even his laugh is bitter now. "Got you all to myself."

"You are so drunk." I try to put the usual good humour into my voice, but it's no use. I hate seeing him like this. How long has he felt this way?

"You're drunk too. Hattori."

Maybe I 've been drinking since I found him...one, two cups of sake back then...three, when I found him crying...we had just started on the beer when he told me about that...he told me...he'd just kept pouring. The Kudo liquor cabinet seemed to be limitless.

My head is spinning, and he's staring at me again. "Sorry. Maybe I am a little drunk. Sorry, I..."

When he told me...

When he told me...

For a moment I hoped the whole night might have just been a bad dream. Maybe someone had clipped me in kendo practice and I'd gone home with a concussion. But there was my school sachel on the floor and here was Kudo looking hopefully into my eyes, and I knew that no matter how much I might hope that I was hallucinating, this was all very, very real.

"For what?" he whispered.

His eyes are so blue...they're nice eyes, and I think I might have enjoyed looking into them for often if they were twenty-year-old eyes. But they're not, and I can't, because I'm not...I'm not...

Not like him.

For everything I competed with Kudo for, he has something that I don't, and almost for a moment I'm a little jealous.

For his personality, for his mind, for his demeanor, for everything that is Kudo... I almost, almost wished...that I could be like that for him. Just once, even, so that he would know that it was all right, that even though everything had just changed, nothing would change. We would be all right, if he knew. I hated thinking that he was regretting telling me. I hated having to be the bad guy.

What if I could, just once? Kazuha would never know, never, never know...and Kudo wouldn't tell, never, because he hid for so long, so long...how did he get so good at hiding? I suppose he had to, somehow. He'd hidden everything about himself - from Ran, the person he was closest to in the world! Why should I be surprised that he had hidden this, too?

"Hattori?"

I lean forward and touch his cheek with my hand, meeting his eyes. Kudo jumps slightly, but he doesn't pull away. I pause there, wondering if I should ask for permission.

As if in answer, he closes his eyes.

I press my small lips to his, and he kisses back, lightly at first, then pressing harder, our tongues intertwining, childish fingers tangled in my hair, both of us trembling with surprise and shock and adrenaline.

He pulls away first, to my surprise. "Hattori..."

"Kudo." I run a nervous hand through my hair.

"You said you weren't...like that."

"I'm not. But I wanted to...just once."

He smiles gratefully, and I smile too, and I know that we're drunk, both of us...

But it doesn't matter.

He's gone so quiet now. "Thanks. Even if it was pity, I somehow feel better." He's not mad. Good, sometimes he gets like that.

"Not pity, Kudo, never for you."

He laughed. "You're not that drunk?" But his eyes are serious.

"I did it because I wanted to."

His smile is genuine this time. "I won't tell a soul."

We're silent for a moment, and he straightens the bottles, picks up the glasses and stands, swaying unsteadily. I stand as well, but it takes a minute for the room to right itself. "Are we done?"

"We're done."

We steady each other up the stairs, even though we both know that if I were to fall, he'd have no hope of preventing it. When we're standing in the kitchen, the harsh lights hurt my eyes. I turn to face him again. "So...how does it feel to be twenty now? Not so impressive, right, old-timer?"

"You're already twenty, yourself," he replies sourly. His eyes are sad, but clear. "Can't wait to hit twenty-six, needless to say."

"I'm sure you'll be able to hold your alcohol by then."

He smiles. "Yeah."

"Kudo..."

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry." I'm not even sure what I'm apologizing for, but it seems to be the right thing to say.

Whatever the reason, though, he understands. "It's okay."

"Another time, another place...I think I might..." Anxiously, I turn away. I'm happy, right? I don't need to change. Kazuha is the one I've always wanted. How I feel about Kudo is...different. Maybe it could have been right under the right circumstances, but not here. Not now.

"Don't dwell on it. You'll only doubt yourself."

"Right. I know."

"Hattori..."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Yeah."

-fin-