A/N: WHAT THE WHAT? THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FAMILY HAS BEEN UPDATED? HEEEELLLLL YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!
Yeah, yeah, I know, miracle of miracles and all of that. In my defense I would have had this up a lot earlier but my USB (WHICH STUPIDLY HAD THE ONLY COPY OF CHAPTER 22 AT THE TIME AND WTF IS THE MATTER WITH ME?) died a very sudden death. :( I was not a very happy Hari-Aisu. But I finally finished it and now wish to present it to all of you in all of its semi-caffeine-induced horror. ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME YES?
By the way, as I was re-writing this chapter (which I thought was much more awesome than the original anyway) I realized that I always seem to make Aizawa a BAMF of epic proportions. Or his afro seems to exude BAMF-vibes in any case. BRAIN STOP TRYING TO MAKE AIZAWA'S AFRO MUCH MORE AWESOME-TASTIC THAN IT SHOULD BE. I just kept getting images of Aizawa running towards me with his afro swaying to and fro, arms wide open and gutter mouth spewing swears I haven't even heard of… Gaaaahhhhh you can tell I be so tired. -.-; I hope you guys enjoy and please tell me what you think!
I thought it was funny anyway… BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? OTHER THAN I OVERUSE CAPS LOCK. AND PERIODS. A LOT. OMFG STOP IT BRAIN JUST GET TO THE CHAPTER ALREADY! :D
Disclaimer: IT'S NOT MINE BIATCH!
Title: The Fundamentals of Family
Chapter Twenty-Two: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Raito held his breath as he stared at his significant other, who seemed momentarily shell-shocked by his admission.
A long moment of pure, tension-infused silence blanketed both artists.
Brown eyes widened against their owner's consent.
Nostrils flared furiously.
Pale skin flushed cherry red.
Honestly Raito didn't know if L was going to start raging or have a cardiac-arrest.
Neither was a pleasant scenario, though he knew which one would be simpler to deal with.
Was it sad that the cardiac-arrest was the aforementioned 'simple' option?
"Raito-kun…"
"Yes, L?"
"Why are you saying these things? These ridiculous, horrible, horrible things?"
"Um… because they're true?"
"No…"
"L…"
"Raito-kun, no."
"L, you're just in sho-"
"RAITO-KUN, NO MEANS NO. NEIN. NON. NO! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I SHALL BE DOING THIS! IS THERE A SAFE WORD FOR THIS? I DEMAND ANOTHER SAFE WORD FOR THIS TYPE OF SITUATION IF NOT. MY DISCOMFORT IS EXCEEDING EVEN MY OWN STANDARDS OF DEVIATION!"
"L, you're being completely irrational!"
"No, Raito. Irrational is expecting a 30-year-old man-child to not only take care of himself but entrust him with the care of three insane children who are not only volatile and unstable but absolutely, positively, irrefutably DESPISE HIM."
"I don't hate you, L!" Mihael popped out.
"Neither do I!" Mail added in.
"…"
"Nate…" The overly-emotional blond and shifty redhead stared at the silver-haired child with a stink-eye to rival all stink eyes.
"… No comment."
Raito sweat-dropped as the strange child shuffled out of the room, the large teddy bear limp within his grasp sadly scraping the ground with its clown-like feet.
Overall, the light-haired artist could see what L was talking about now.
"It'll only be for a couple of weeks and you know I'll have people constantly checking in on you and the boys! If I could take them with me I would but this deal is much too big to put on the line and I won't have time to watch them and negotiate as well! L, out of everything we have been through, the things we have done to each other, the things people have done to us, are you seriously going to have a stage-three crisis at the thought of having to watch three kids that are essentially your own?"
"I did not wish for this responsibility Raito! If you wish to leave then I cannot stop you, but do not expect me to assist you in this matter, ESPECIALLY IF IT INVOLVES THAT DEVIL CHILD!"
"OH SNAP!"
"Hot damn, it looks like we've got a badass over here you guys…"
"… I cannot find my toy car."
Both Mihael and Mail turned to glare at their younger brother, eyes burning with indignation. "What?"
"There's something seriously wrong with you Nate."
"I believe that my lack of social graces do not compete with your tendency to defecate yourself within large crowds Mihael."
"OI YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THAT INCIDENT AGAIN!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW I SMELLED SOMETHING WEIRD ON THE RIDE HOME FROM THE MALL THREE WEEKS AGO! MIHAEL POOPED HIS PANTS!"
"Indeed."
"Nate, I am going to punch you so hard your soul is going to walk with a limp for the rest of your life!"
"How is that even possible?"
"Bitch I'll make it possible!"
"Hahahaha Mihael used to be a badass but then he took a poop in his pants. It was all downhill from there."
"Damn it Mail I will fucking END YOU!"
"You swear a lot for a child."
"STOP PICKING ON MEEEEE!"
Raito sighed as he stared at the three tumultuous children now spread out on the floor, one laughing obnoxiously loud, the second throwing a fit of epic proportions and the last fiddling with his silver hair like a cute… little… teddy-bear…
"OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO SNUGGLE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"
L gaped uncharacteristically, eye ticking awkwardly. Nate smirked over Raito's shoulder.
That sneer had not been imagined damn it!
"Raito did you forget that I was speaking with you?"
The auburn-haired artist hummed as he held the smallest child to his chest, eyes glistening with pearly tears.
"What were we talking about again?"
"… … I am leaving."
"L!" Raito cried out with the demon-child still cradled within his arms. "You can't leave! Who will… I mean… damn, you must do something around here."
"Raito-kun is not helping the situation!"
"I mean, come back! You'll be… missed?"
The slim-bodied brunet winced as the sound of the door slamming reverberated throughout the entire apartment. The tiny bundle still huddled within his arms snuggled against the embrace, pouting at the loud noise. The two unhinged boys barely even noticed, however, as Mail still seemed to be laughing at the blond child's misfortune and Mihael silently fumed at the sight.
Not sure whether he should feel badly or not, Raito continued to cuddle his son and hoped that this was a phase that would dissipate quickly.
L's penchants for dramatics exceeded Raito's own by a landslide and who knew what that man would get into his head while fuming. Besides sexy-times. That was always a given.
"Dad…?"
Once the shock of his lover's abrupt exit finally seemed to penetrate through the stupor-induced cloud floating around their father's head Mihael, Mail and Nate watched helplessly as he slipped away from the trio with a disconcerting vacant expression on his face. Shuffling into the bathroom, Raito didn't even think twice as he slammed the door shut behind him.
Nate blinked as Mail and Mihael both stared at the closed door, not used to this new side of their father.
"Is he alright?" Mihael shrilly whispered.
"This is all L's fault." Nate spoke softly, the words escaping his adorable lips in a slither.
"Maybe we should call auntie Sayu?" Mail, who usually was the troll of the group, questioned pragmatically.
Though in all actuality points were lost instantly as it was Sayu he wished to contact first and not someone with a bit less… crazy.
"This is why I told the both of you we should have gotten rid of L when we had the chance."
"He would just get even more annoyed than he already is. Daddy likes L Nate, get the fuck over it already!"
"L must be exterminated."
"Just a little harsh little man!"
"Do you think L's coming back tonight?"
"Hopefully not."
"DUDE." Mail pushed Mihael out of his line of sight ("HEY? WHAT THE FUCK BRO?") and glared down at the little gremlin in front of him. "What the heck is your problem? You have been against this man for no reason at all for the ENTIRE TIME we have been here! Are you on your rag or something? Bleeding out of your mangina? Visiting your Aunt Flo… FROM YOUR ANUS?"
"He is unnecessary." The silver-haired child muttered. "And was all that really necessary for that fact?"
"YOUR FACE IS UNNECESSARY!" Mihael cried out, tired of being ignored.
"…"
"…"
"And… um… SO'S YOU'RE FACE."
"Ri-ight…" Mail backed up a step, sure his oldest brother was a chocolate bar away from choking on his own rage.
"Moving on." Nate dropped the gigantic toy on the ground and stared up at his older brother with an ill-easing apathy that irked the redhead out of his mind. Tremendously. "I find myself at odds with L because I realize that he does not want us here. In not wanting us here his continuing presence within our home ensures that at any given moment we may be thrown out of our new abode and put back within the orphanage. I do not want this. Do you?"
Mail and Mihael glanced at each other.
"Well?"
"Uh, Nate…"
"What?"
"Um…"
"Daddy is right behind me isn't he?"
"How did you guess?"
Raito's normally bright honey-colored eyes were red-rimmed and narrow, a combination that both saddened and frightened the youngest of the brood. "Nate I think you and I need to have a little chat."
The smallest child sighed quietly as he held the toy giraffe closer to his chest.
The only word blaring through his mind right now was "BUSTED!"
L laughed maniacally as he spun around within his rolly-chair (as he had re-named his bar-stool), one beer in one hand… and another beer in another.
You would think both Raito and L would learn that alcohol never solved their problems.
"Please don't spray me!" Matsuda cried out as a torrent of bitter alcohol lathered his hair, staring longingly at the door to their far left. Three hours after his boss' lover had called him and demanded that he treat him to a drink after the hellish afternoon he had spent with his 'skank of a boyfriend' (once again, L's words not Matsuda's) the younger man had had enough and contacted the one person scary enough (besides Raito) to even attempt to bring L out of his alcohol-induced mania.
"L, I think you've had enough." Matsuda grimaced as L stared at him through sleepless eyes… sleepless eyes made of vacant black holes filled with hate and sexual frustration…
"I think I shall have some more." The sloppily put-together man dead-panned with the vilest glare the manager had ever seen. "Wouldn't you agree Mastuda-san?"
"Yes sir, of course sir. Please don't hurt me, sir."
"Now Matsuda-san is finally getting in the mood of things!"
"Aah… L…"
"Matsuda-san where is my drink?"
"IT'S UP YOUR ASS NOW SHOVE OFF AND MOVE OVER YOU PSYCHOTIC MISANTHROPE!"
L swiveled his bar-stool and cried out in joy, his arms slapping outwards in a fit of explosive bliss.
At the expense of Matsuda's face.
Matsuda's stupid, replaceable face.
"AIZAWA!"
Obviously it was of little consequence.
"BITCH I SAID MOVE!" The large-afro being that many both loved and feared shoved the artist off of the bar-stool and stood over him, his puff of hair looming over his drunk client like a haze of magnificent hair-products.
"I feel as if the hostility within the air just reached pinnacle heights…" Matsuda ducked as Aizawa threw a beer bottle at his face. "I'm sorry, ignore me please!"
"L, you are a lazy, selfish, deeply-phobic man with parental issues and a dick complex!"
The dark-haired drunkard didn't even flinch. "… … Your point?"
"You don't see anything wrong with what I just said?" L seemed to be more concerned with the sway of his hair than the words coming out of the older man's mouth which really wasn't anything different from the norm. Usually, however, Aizawa hadn't been called out of his home during his family time by a timid manager with no back-bone whatsoever and even less of a brain. The explosive businessman barely had any tolerance for L's behavior on the best of days and to see him acting like such an imbecile whilst he could be making a play for some Aizawa Adult Play Time was INFURIATING BEYOND BELIEF.
"Well Aizawa could have separated 'parental issues' and 'dick complex' a bit further from each other but other than that…"
"You are going to get up," Aizawa began slowly, quietly, and most importantly, threateningly "you are going to go to the bathroom and you are going to wash your face. You, insignificant person whom I want to beat. How many has he had?"
"Uh," Matsuda trembled within his seat, holding up two hands and hesitantly lifting all ten fingers.
"What the fuck is the matter with you? Are you as stupid as you are incompetent?"
"May…be….?"
"L GET YOUR SHIT. IF I STAY HERE ANY LONGER I WILL KILL THIS BITCH. I WILL KILL HIM DEAD."
Matsuda squealed before shoving off of his own stool and running out of the bar, dark-brown eyes watering and arms waving after him. Aizawa silently congratulated himself, smirking once the idiotic manager was out of his sight.
"I knew I still fucking had it."
Raito sprung up immediately, the first crash (which sounded like a door slamming) echoing throughout the tranquil apartment like a riotous hurricane in the rainiest of seasons. A torrent of crashes and slams followed thereafter, a strange yoddle-like screech reverberating off of the hallways in an eclectic battle cry. It sounded as Spongebob Squarepants had had an orgasm in his pants after a very rambunctious encounter with Patrick's… Krabby Patty.
And now Raito needed to throw up at the mental image.
'Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.'
Cautiously making his way down stairs, already knowing who it was he would find there once the emphatic grunts and hollers of 'INJUSTICE!' and 'L HATES THESE LINENS! WHY DOES RAITO-KUN INSIST ON USING THESE LINENS?" began to replay over and over again.
The overly-flamboyant artist gave a small prayer before he made it to the last stair, hoping against all hope that what would greet him was not what he thought was waiting for him.
"L DOES NOT AGREE WITH THIS FURNITURE ARRANGEMENT!"
CRASH!
"L HAS WON YET AGAIN!"
Raito held back the sigh lingering on the tip of his tongue, breath used instead to enable the Anger Management techniques his counselor taught him. "You do realize that was YOUR computer desk you just destroyed, don't you?"
"… L still wins."
"Oh my God if this is you drunk please don't ever let me suffer this again. I beg of you, in the name of all that is sexy, which obviously includes me, stop this madness!"
"Madness? THIS IS L'S APARMENT!"
"YES AND THIS IS RAITO'S APARTMENT AS WELL NOW SIT YOUR CANDY-ASS DOWN BEFORE I VIOLATE YOU WITH YOUR OWN PAINTING UTENSILS AND CALL YOU GIMPY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"
"Raito-kun that is not even funny." A suddenly sober L halted in his wild-armed rampage, dark eyes impossibly wide and frightened.
"You know you would like it too."
"Why must Raito-kun continue to disintegrate L's libido with such ideas? L IS NOT PLEASED!"
"Why the hell are you yelling? We are inside, there is no reason to yell at me when I haven't even started any type of commotion!."
"L IS NOT SURE WHY HE CONTINUES TO SHOUT BUT SHOUT HE SHALL."
"O…k…"
"L ALSO DEMANDS SEXY TIMES IN RETURN FOR HIS PAIN AND SUFFERING."
"First off I refuse to even come near you with all that sticky stuff practically pasted onto your shirt and chin. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS." Raito interrupted the unstable drunk before he could even speak, eyes wrinkling with disgust. "Secondly, why the fucking hell do you keep referring to yourself in the third person?"
"IT IS WHAT L DOES BEST."
"Didn't we agree that shouting was unnecessary? Why are you still shouting?"
"IT IS ALSO WHAT L DOES BEST. BESIDES SEXY TIMES. AND REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. AND EVERYONE ELSE. AND… and… I think I confused myself. Why am I still even talking…?"
"That's a good question."
L's sudden sobriety hit him quickly… and if he were honest, with a mild case of vertigo. "I suppose that today's hysteria along with my alcohol-blood level must be concurrent towards my current aptitude towards shouting."
"Wow that almost sounded smart L."
"Raito-kun I am still most displeased. I demand compensation for my emotional distress immediately. Why are your clothes still settled over your body and not scattered amongst the wreckage littered upon the floor?"
"Your come-on's leave something to be desired." The younger man snapped back. Raito refused to even think about taking his shirt off when all this mess was wreaking havoc over his OCD.
"Raito we have been together now for about three years." L stumbled over a flipped-over lamp as he chased after his fidgety lover. "Do I even have to try at this point?"
Raito didn't even turn around as he made his way into the kitchen, arms already pulling forward and reaching for the Swifter and mop. "I am so going to get a blow-up doll for your next birthday."
"Mm-hm."
"And I'm going to leave the house with just you and the kids and leave you to your own devises."
"Right…"
"And let you unleash all of your disgusting fantasies on the doll so you can leave me alone already."
"Raito-kun it is no fun if your partner cannot contribute to the action. Or scream 'L WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT THING AND WHY DO YOU HAVE IT SO CLOSE TO MY RECTUM?' Or Raito-kun could substitute rectum with oral-cavity. In this case, L is not so picky."
Raito bellowed with laughter, especially once spindly hands came round and caught him by the waist. The tender pressure put upon the indent of his hipbones reminded the younger man of who it was that had him, who it was that he had chosen to continue this path alongside. "You do realize you're still going to have the kids for a couple of weeks and this means nothing right?"
"Why does Raito-kun keep insisting on ruining this illusion?" And there went the Swifter along with the rag that had magically appeared itself into Raito's hand.
"Because Raito-kun has sadistic tendencies and knows you have horrible coping mechanisms?"
"Now who sounds ridiculous?" L smirked victoriously.
"Do you want a blow-job or not?"
"L IS IN AGREEMENT WITH WHATEVER RAITO-KUN SAYS."
"And that's how I win."
"… … Damn it."