The Time Given Solely To Us

By xYuki

The Price For My Hesitation

My body was numb, cold to the world, I couldn't move. It's been days since I last had any will to do anything, I mean this all to literally. I had given up on breathing not to long ago, so they hooked me up to some contraption that did it for me. But what use was it to breath? Especially now, that... there's no more air, you aren't here any more to fill my lungs with, to fill my life... you're not here.

It's been days since I've last seen my daughter, Vivio. Subaru and Tiana offered to take care of her for the time being. What kind of mother am I? I feel a little depressed so I dump the brat off at the nearest capable person possible. I can't even take care of my daughter properly in my current state, even though there isn't anything technically wrong with me. No, everything is wrong.

I'm only 19, but yet, here I am with the weight of the world on my shoulders. My daughter's future. I was sofucking stupid thinking I could take care of her even though I knew how hazardous my profession is. Why was I such a dumbass? Easy, Love. I love Vivio, I love her more then life itself, but she will always remain number 2 long side Hayate in my heart.

Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the artificial air keeping me alive and sighed. No one had come to visit me since my stay at the hospital began. The doctors came in and checked up on me, but never really cared to talk to me. The nurses did just the same. They changed my IV, tried to make me comfortable, but they did not talk to me.

Maybe this was everyone's way of showing their condolences. Yea, maybe that's it. Everyone's feeling sorry for me because I had given up the will to life. They where feeling sorry for me because I was willing to end my own life just to follow in the footsteps of one fucking soldier that died on the battlefield. It was my fault. The soldier died to protect me. Me.

Closing my eyes briefly, I allowed my body to relax, but relaxing was the last thing I did. My mind tortured me with vivid memories of the past. The memories of the precious moments the soldier and I shared together. The hardships, the good and the bad, the laughs, the tears, the heated arguments, the touches, the words, the kisses, the seductions, and thelovewe made. Everything about my life revolved around that one stupid soldier that died for me.

Though, my memories relayed what had happened, they did not relay the ideas going through my head. No, my memories were hiding the feelings I felt during those moments to ease my pain. To fill the void my hesitation created.

I regret it all. The kisses, the touches, and the sex, it was all just a game to me. A way to alleviate the stress the accumulated upon me by the course of the day, so I led the soldier on. I coerced the soldier to sleep with me against the soldier's well trained military mind. I toyed with emotions that I never should have laid a blood soaked hand on.

The doors slid open with a whoosh which was followed by foot steps that were dragged. The person edging towards me seemed terrified to get near me. Maybe it was a new nurse that has heard of my reputation of blowing things up, or maybe it's finally a visitor.

"N-Nanoha-chan?" Hayate's voice wafted through the room. My eyes cracked open and she smiled at me softly. "Sorry did I wake you?" she asked me, worried of any possible intrusion.

I shook my head slowly and took yet another deep breath from the artificial air that sustained me. I gave her a weak smile and reached out for her. Hayate complied my tiny request and walked over to me, taking my hand, and giving it a tiny squeeze.

"How you doing, Nanoha-chan?" she asked me as she brushed some of my tray hair.

"I've... been... better?" I replied, uncertain of how I really felt. We stayed silent for moment just enjoying the other's company. My eyes caught a glimpse of a white envelop Hayate held in her free hand. "Hey, what's that?"

Hayate seemed to be caught off guard but replied anyways, "Um, it's for you actually."

"Oh?"

Carefully, she held up the letter and handed to me. She held onto the letter for a moment and said, "I wish I gave this to you sooner... I-I'm so sorry."

Hayate broke into tears soon after and let go of me saying sorry over and over again. She ran out the door, her left hand covering her sobs. I wondered what made her run away so fast? My eyes drifted over to the letter lazily and opened it

July 14, 2004

Dear Nanoha,

I don't know how much longer I can keep this a secret, but I've written this letter so I can keep my secret going. You probably think it's odd that I give Hayate the letter instead of destroying it after I've vented out my feelings... I told her to give you the letter when the time is right. Actually, I don't even know if Hayate will keep the letter let alone keep it. All I can do is just hope that your beautiful blue eyes are the only ones to ever read this letter.

Anyways, the letter aside, the secret I want to keep no matter how poorly I hide it... Nanoha, to me you are the sun, the moon, and the universe. You who gave me purpose gave me my life as well.

Nanoha, you make my heart constrict with every second that passes between us. My blood boils with every beat of my heart. My palms get clammy, my heart rate picks up, my mouth goes dry, and I loose all train of thought. You do weird things to me and you don't even know it.

Okay, what I'm trying to say here is... I love you. I love you, Nanoha, and I can't ever tell you this. You deserve everything and more, I can only hold you back... so I hold myself back.

I don't know when you will get to read this. Be it the day after I gave Hayate guardianship of my honest feelings, or decades after you get married. No matter how much time has passed I will always love you. I've loved you since the moment you pulled me out of hell and gave me redemption.

Forever love,

Fate

And then I realized it. This tiny letter gave me that final push to see the truth. The constant pain in my heart when she wasn't near, the elation I felt when I heard her voice, the euphoria I felt when ever she touched me. Then those days she pulled me aside to say something but I always managed to make an excuse and get away, the times she would stutter when speaking to me, and those deep blushes she had on her face when I made a playful advance at her. She knew it as well.

Hayate had held that letter for almost 5 years waiting for the right moment to make me realize the undeniable bond between the soldier and I... I never gave her the chance to see the correct moment.

She loved me, and I hesitated, so now she's dead.

I loved her, but I hesitated, so now I'm all alone.

We loved each other, and I was afraid to accept it. So now I'm wallowing in regret and darkness with no sight of light anywhere.

She died for me, and all I did was stand still as she fell to the ground covered in her own blood. So now I'm forever stained by her final gift. My life, as well as her's.

I hesitated, so I've paid the ultimate price. I lost her forever.

And when the pain I felt over threw me, I remembered her final words to me, "Nanoha, live on for me. I love you."

It was her funeral today and here I was sitting in the room we shared inhaling her shirt. It smelled like her, it made me remember how soft her hair was, how smooth her skin was, how beautiful she was. Even in her final moments, my lover was stunning.

I closed my eyes and swallowed my pride, I made my way to her funeral, our final moments together. The drive was painful, but I made it. I had to say good bye to my friend, my lover, my true heart's desire, my Fate.

I gave the eulogy and finally told everyone about our intimate relationship. No one seemed to mind, it was like they knew we were meant to be. So after I gave my small speech, I made my way to your casket, bending down, and giving you a final kiss.

"I'll be right behind you. No more hesitation, so please wait for me." I whispered into your ear.

I didn't hesitate the moment I got home.

September 29, 2008

Dear Vivio,

I'm sorry I've let you down. I promised to be your mother, I promised to protect you, to always be beside you... but the person who promised me the exact same thing isn't beside me anymore. I know this is selfish of me, but I can't live without your Fate-mama. She completed me in ways no one can ever get close to. I've molded my life to fit her's, I can't live a life with out my other half.

No amount of apologies can erase my sins. No amount of time can heal the wounds I leave you with. Nothing on this Earth can make me rightful in your eyes. I am sorry, and I do not ask for forgiveness... I want you to live on and forget the pain that the White Devil has caused you.

Fate-chan, was and still is my world, but she was stupid for leaving us alone... no, it was my fault that she left us. My careless mistake destroyed our family.

Vivio, I'm sorry.

Love you now and forever,

The White Devil

Here's how the book of one shots go. They have no definate pairing seeing as how it will vary. The stories will have different emotion settings, such as angst, romance, etc. I will take a majority vote on what kind of story I will write next. Like if the reviews ask for more angst, I'll write more angst. If they want something fluffy, I'll write something fluffy. Get the point? Good.

This one shot specifically is unedited seeing as how all of my betas where offline... and by all I mean 3. o-o So ya... );

Fun facts ;)

Read the underlined words carefully.