This is dedicated to dearest Lilith Lunatic who has been so kind to review the nicest things. I know you love ansty stuff and I hope that this does it!

Warning: MAJOR angst ahead.

Notes: i think it's kind of written with a weird upbeat style for some reason, so review and let me know what you think. Also, the title is borrowed from Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes" which is what i was listening to when i started writing this. just so you guys know, i've tried to keep this in Reno's POV, but at the ending i switched to the third person POV for Cloud. Lastly, i didn't get this betaed, so all mistakes are mine and mine alone. TTTT sorry if there are too many.

The Tears I Cry

Ah, there was nothing better than the smell of Cloud's banana pancakes. I leaned on the rocking chair happily while I watched my lover and the father of my child cooking breakfast for the two of us in the cute apron I bought for him on Valentine's Day. He turned to smile at me and I winked in response.

"How are you doing, babe? Is the baby up yet?"

"I'm fine," I replied happily. "And no, the little sucker is sleeping. He was pretty active last night, so he's resting now."

"Ah, are you ok? You're not too tired for breakfast are you?"

"Nope, I'm starving like usual."

"Ok."

He turned his attention to the food to make sure that it didn't burn and I just rocked back and forth on the rocker. This was a gift from Tifa when me and Cloud moved in together, and it sure has been handy in soothing my little baby. I took the television control and turned it to the baby channel. Cloud looked questioningly at me and I flipped him off.

"It's for the baby, dipshit. He's going to be a smart one."

"Are you sure you're not watching that so you can learn new things?" he teased.

"To hell with you," I shot back with a smile. "Are those damn pancakes done yet?"

"Patience," he snorted. "They're almost done."

I smiled perversely as he turned back to finish them up. Mmmm, he had such a cute ass. My lover was the most beautiful person on this whole damn PLANET, and no one could deny that. It was a common occurrence for me to have to fight off different fans and admirers who more than anything wanted to grope his beautiful body.

After our hot breakfast, Cloud got dressed and fixed himself up. Curious, I decided to watch him as he got ready to go out.

"Where're ya going?" I asked while sitting on the toilet seat.

"Well, I'm just going to go ride Fenrir around."

"Looking like that?"

He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. "I'll see you in a bit. Don't do anything reckless, ok?"

"Sure."

I gave him a weak smile and wave as he took off on that behemoth of a motorcycle. We may have been lovers for four years, but that still didn't mean that I didn't sometimes get worried. He even put cologne on before leaving today. No one would do that if they were just going out to ride on their bike. I chewed my lip nervously before deciding that I could use a nice walk.

Cloud and I had a home outside of Midgar's city limits so that we can be closer to the Plains where he loved to ride and where we could tend the chocobos. My precious little spiky-head had grown so attached to the ones he raised before defeating Sephiroth the first time that he decided to make a business in partnership with Chocobo Bill. To him it was a lot more satisfactory than the delivery business that kept him away for long periods of time.

The life out here was quiet and all this clean air was making me sick, but I loved it. Grabbing a peppermint stick which was the replacement for my cigarettes, I headed out to the pens to let the giant chickens out into the corral. They already were used to me so I wasn't getting attacked as often, but I was still wary around them. Chocobos weren't exactly my favorite animals, having been on the receiving end of their attacks early in my life. For some reason they seemed to get all pissed at seeing my red hair. It was like a trigger or something.

Smiling, I watched as one of the female chocobos patiently helped her new baby chicobo to the corral with all the others. It warked happily after it fell over since it was able to get back on its shaky feet. How cute. I could almost see Cloud hovering over our baby when it was learning to walk. He would probably never leave the little one's side, which made me smile. He could be such a worry wart.

Walking back to the house, I tossed my shoes on the porch and grabbed a bottle of water. Trying to keep my thoughts from worrying over Cloud, I took a walk out in our spacious backyard. I kept close to the house though so that I wouldn't have to worry about dangerous monsters trying to eat me. Tch, I couldn't do much with this belly even if I wanted to.

That evening, Cloud came back practically glowing and my worries increased a bit. Taking off the goggles I loaned him while I was off Turk duty, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and handed me a jar of pickles.

"For tonight," he said cheerily as he headed towards the kitchen. Mmmm, I love pickles.

"Did you to into town?" I asked, careful not to let any of my paranoia show.

"Yeah, I remembered that we were out of pickles, and I know how much you love to put that stuff in everything you eat."

He actually remembered? I didn't have to post notes all over his bike for it?

"Was that all you went to town for?" I just hoped that I didn't sound too suspicious.

He paused for half a second and turned to me smiling. "Yeah, just for the pickles."

Yeah, like I was going to believe that. His reply only made me more worried and fidgety. I was sure that he had paused to think before he had replied, but maybe I was overreacting. Yeah, that had to be it. For the rest of the night, however, I was a total nervous wreck.

Things like this began to happen frequently for the next few weeks. I began to notice many things that never bothered me before but now seemed to be proof of the fact that he was hiding something from me. Did I ever worry this much when I was dating others? Was I always so possessive?

I was holding him tightly in bed as he was snoring away blissfully unaware of my insecurities. If Cloud really was seeing someone else, I don't think that I could take it. I was carrying his child for fuck's sake! He shouldn't be seeing anyone other than me! I pulled him even closer to my body, being careful not to crush the belly. I just needed to calm down and take a moment to think logically. Shit, thinking logically was never my strong point.

The sound of Cloud's PHS ringing made the both of us jump. He pushed my arms off so that he could get it and he flipped it open with a deep sleepy "hello". As soon as he heard the voice on the other line he perked up which only made me fret some. Who was calling him at this time of night? Maybe it was Tifa, yeah, that had to be it.

"Sure; yeah. I'll be right over." He hung up the phone and began to get dressed quickly.

"Who's that?" I questioned nervously.

"Just get some rest, ok?"

He smiled weakly at me making my stomach churn uncomfortably. It was obvious that he was avoiding the question and it hurt me. Didn't he trust me with everything? Or was he really cheating on me?

Without another word he slipped out of the bedroom and I was left alone. The darkness no longer seemed safe and comforting; now it was cold and empty. I held myself tightly and silently cried into my pillow.

We never talked about that night and Cloud seemed fine with that. I, however, was not even slightly ok with that. When he came back that morning he had the scent of some other man all over him. Nowadays it was rare for him to stay with me for more than half a day and it wasn't long before I got lonely. It was hard for Rude or any of the other Turks to come visit me because they had work to do, and I understood that, but it didn't make it any less lonely.

As usually, I was alone sitting in the house when I finally decided that I couldn't take it in the endless silence. I called up a taxi service to take me into town. I was planning on going shopping for some baby stuff, so I dressed in some comfortable stuff. I silently thanked Shiva that Elena was girly enough to know how to sew since she had made alterations to a bunch of my clothes so that I didn't have to wear those damn maternity clothes.

I also grabbed my EMR because I knew that a bunch of people didn't take too kindly to the very public fact that I was carrying Cloud's child. Many people were still pissed with me because I blew up the Sector 7 plate pillar, and my pregnancy was another abomination for them to shit over. It's not like I was expecting Cloud's Mako loaded sperm to make me pregnant, but hey, that's just how it was. It never hurt to be prepared, so I strapped my weapon on my wrist visible to anyone who wanted to take some aggression out on me.

Luckily, the taxi driver I got was a pretty harmless old fellow who didn't give a damn about who I was. He had a heavy Wutaiese accent which made me calm down some. I knew that the culture of Wutai was way different from here in Midgar. For one, they were a hell of a lot more tolerant about homosexual relationships. Glad that I could relax, I just listened contentedly to the wind blowing through the slightly opened windows. My baby was exercising by using my organs as a kickball, but I just smiled. I'm sure that I wasn't an easy baby to carry. Too bad I wouldn't ever get the chance to ask my Ma about that.

The nice old guy made a deal with me that he would transport me anywhere I wanted to go as long as I paid him a little extra, but that made me feel a lot less nervous. The guy even helped me put my shopping bags in the trunk. Normally, I hated shopping, but today it kept me busy enough not to worry about Cloud so I couldn't be more thankful. As another plus, the worst I got today was dirty looks from a bunch of people.

I decided that since I was in town, it wouldn't hurt to talk to my doctor. When I got there, he was more than happy to see me. He gave me a quick check-up and prescribed something for my migraines that would be sure not to hurt the little guy. Before I left however, he asked me a question that made my heart sink.

"How are you and Cloud holding up?"

The question was innocent enough, but all I could do was sigh unhappily.

"I guess we're fine," I mumbled.

"You 'guess'?"

I looked at him and frowned. "Well, it's just…ah, probably nothin' doc."

My doctor frowned and looked seriously at me.

"Reno, if there is something wrong, you need to tell me about it. Although you've been doing fine so far, your pregnancy is a high risk one. First of all you're a man and your body isn't made to handle all of the fluctuating hormones and the toll it takes to nourish the baby as well as you. Second, you have abused your body with all kinds of drugs and alcohol, not to mention all of your battle injuries; you're body is already tired as it is and you were having all kinds of problems with taking care of yourself before the baby. Carrying this child is a dangerous cocktail of stress and physical strain. I've already seen some of the early symptoms of depression and if you're not careful you might do something you'll regret."

His words made me feel even worse than I was even though I knew that he was just trying to help. I already knew that carrying this child to term was going to be hell, but I had always counted on Cloud's help. Now it just felt like he was only taking care of my physical needs before he would run off again.

"I'll be fine, doc," I lied. "Save your speeches for someone who needs them, yo."

With my hands buried in my pockets, I made it back to the taxi that was waiting outside for me. The driver was reading some kind of foreign magazine, but as soon as he saw me he hopped out and opened the door for me.

As we began the long ride back to my place, I rubbed my temples gingerly. Yet another migraine was crashing over my tired brain. Knowing that a nap would keep the pain at bay for a bit, I got ready to lie on the back seat. However, before I had a chance to stretch out on the leather seat my eyes found a familiar blond-haired person and it felt like my heart had stopped beating.

Everything seemed to slow down just so I could see each painful detail. Cloud was smiling widely at the shorter person he had an arm wrapped around. The shorter guy had pale blond hair that was cut in layers and he had large green eyes that were only focused on Cloud. One of his thin hands was holding the hand that belonged to the arm my lover had slung over his shoulders, and the other hand was holding onto the soft cloth of Cloud's shirt. Tears welled in my eyes as I saw Cloud laugh happily as he pulled the younger man closer to him. They walked into a small hotel as the taxi drove by. Cloud never even noticed me.

Seeing proof with my own eyes of his infidelity absolutely crushed me. For the next few weeks I would only leave the bed to attend to my bladder's needs and to make myself something to eat once Cloud was gone. I couldn't stomach anything he made and he pretended to care about me. That jerk even went so far as to call the doctor out of "concern" for my health. I had an appointment scheduled for the end of the week, but I didn't have any intention of going. I knew exactly what was wrong with me.

Lying there in bed I couldn't help but try to rationalize what I saw, try to make any kind of excuse for Cloud. However, only the truth made sense; he was sleeping with someone else while he left me alone in the house to take care of our baby. Was it because I was too fat to have sex anymore? I would try to initiate something with him, but he would always reject me. He only wanted to cuddle and kiss and it only made me angrier. Wasn't I good enough for him now? I was carrying his damn child! That fucker owed me!

I couldn't control the anguish that saturated my entire being as I suffered alone for those weeks. Rude and Elena came over more frequently and I knew that they were worried, but I stubbornly refused to tell them what was bothering me. They would just look at each other in frustration, but they continued to come visit me. Maybe they were just fucking sick of visiting a bothersome person like me?

Crying into my pillow had become almost a ritual as I fell further and further into despair. I couldn't control my emotions anymore and it only made me feel even more pathetic. I would snap at Cloud for nothing at all, and would only burst out crying whenever he got that damned phone call that seemed to happen more and more frequently. He would try to hug me before leaving, but I refused to have any of his fake concern. I even punched him in the face the other day.

Slipping out of bed, I watched at Cloud tended to his fucking birds, speaking to them as if they were human and could understand everything. Once he finished up with all the chores, he looked up to the window and waved at me but I just stared at him. I saw him sigh and it almost made me feel bad. He was doing a damn good job of pretending that he actually gave a flying fuck.

Gripping the curtains tightly, I watched as he slipped on his riding boots and my goggles and once more straddled that damned machine. This time he didn't even try to hide it as he headed off to Midgar. I watched as his back went further and further away from me to the other man that he had held so tenderly. Was he that considerate when they were having sex? Did he hold him like he had once held me, and say such sweet lies? Maybe by now he had someone else to play with.

Punching the window in fury I couldn't help but scream in frustration. I loved Cloud so fucking much! I didn't want him to look at anyone else, to hold anyone else! I punched and kicked anything that was near me as I made my way to the guest bedroom. Mirrors were smashed, furniture was thrown, everything was left to chaos as I passed by like a windstorm. I just couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want to. I couldn't live with this agony anymore.

I didn't even really think of the baby within me as I kicked open the guest bedroom door. Only fleetingly did I think of my boy and I made a decision. Cloud didn't want me or the baby, so I sure as hell wasn't going to let him have it. He wouldn't love it, and the most he would do was hurt the kid with his fake care. I wasn't going to let my child suffer that.

Taking a few deep breaths I grabbed one of Cloud's extra swords from the pile on the bed. That shit was heavy, so I just dragged it across the floor leaving deep gash marks in the wood. Panting from the effort, I grabbed the tip of the large blade with my bloody bruising hands and pulled it to my chest. The handle of the weapon was held in place by the corner of the walls so that I could end this all on one attempt. I was tired of being like this, of suffering from a broken heart. The tears that I couldn't stop rolled down my cheeks and onto the clean blade, leaving a trail of moisture that shimmered in the sunlight.

Looking up I saw the picture of me and Cloud celebrating Barrett's discovery of a large oil field. We were so happy back then, holding each other the way that lover's should. As I dropped to my knees a new pain shot through my body. This pain was going to be temporary though, I wouldn't have to feel it for that long. My eyes never left that picture as my broken heart began to beat its last. With each breath I thought of all the good times, of how happy I had been. It should have lasted forever, and now it would. I would think of soft kisses and his rare smiles for eternity.

Fenrir roared down the dusty road before stopping in front of the humble little building. It had been made with two stories so that Reno could keep company upstairs while Cloud could keep company downstairs. The young blond that had been riding behind Cloud coughed from the dust and the blond hero shook out his hair.

"Shiva, that was a bumpy ride!" the younger one complained as he slid off the bike. "And this thing is so huge! I can barely walk now!"

Cloud laughed and messed up the boy's hair affectionately.

"It couldn't have been that bad," he chided as he knocked the kickstand into place.

"Um, are you sure this is ok?" the younger blond asked nervously as he glanced at the window where Reno had been standing earlier that day.

"Trust me; Reno will be fine with it. Actually, I think he'd like the company. He's been pretty down lately which has been worrying me."

Cloud chewed on his lip nervously as he thought about his lover's health declining so quickly. Maybe having the baby was doing a lot more damage than he thought it was going to do.

"I'm sorry," the boy said quietly as he looked at the dirt in shame. "If I wasn't so troublesome then you wouldn't have to leave him alone so often. It would have been better if you ignored the promise you made me and just told him what was going on."

Cloud lifted up the boy's chin and smiled down at him.

"Don't worry; I don't think it bothered him that much. Well, even if it did, he'd be over it as soon as I tell him that I've been spending the time trying to get custody of my little brother."

The boy smiled happily and gave Cloud a giant hug.

"You're the greatest person on the PLANET! No one else would've even thought twice about some kid who claims to be his brother."

"Nah, Reno's way better than me, Linden," the older blond replied.

"Could anyone be better than you?" Linden replied in awe.

Cloud's eyes softened and he sighed happily.

"Hell yeah. He's the most perfect guy on this PLANET; I'm lucky to have him. And I have no doubt that he'll be fine with you moving in with us. After all, that hotel you were staying at was too small."

"Wow, I really can't wait to meet him."

Linden's eyes sparkled with joy at the thought of meeting his big brother's lover. If what Cloud was saying was true and he really was more wonderful then he would be the luckiest boy in the world. He cautiously dusted himself off as they made their way to the front door. Cloud turned and pressed his index finger against his pale lips. Pressing the door open the excited older man looked around.

"Reno? I'm home!"

Fin