Summary: "I've read your letters to the fandom, and I am responding in our defense, and for our apologies. Please, hear me out – I think it'll be worth it." – signed, an Alex Rider fanfic author. A response fic to l8rg8r123's fic 'Dear Fanfiction Authors'.

A/N: Yep, just like the summary says - written as a response fic to l8rg8r123's "Dear Fanfiction Authors". Finished on Sunday, posted today for JK Mafia's birthday. Drop her a line wishing her a very happy birthday if you happen to go by her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MADAM EMPRESS OF ORANGES!

Dear Alex,

I've read your letters to the fandom, and I am responding in our defense. Please, hear me out – I think it'll be worth it.

First off, right off the bat, I apologize for all your complaints about the fandom, on behalf of the whole fandom.

Well, okay, maybe not everyone – but certainly at least half.

…okay, I don't know how many people stand behind me on this, but whoever does, I apologize on their behalf. And on everyone else's, because they should but won't.

I don't know why people keep making Mary-Sues. Thing is, most of them time they just glamorize themselves and do author self-inserts. Just ignore these stories. Any story that introduces a romance with an OC right off the bat is almost guaranteed to be a Mary-Sue – especially in this fandom, as the Alex Rider books are targeted towards a younger audience than, say, House MD or Torchwood.

As for female, teenage spies, though, you're hanging around the wrong kind of girl. You really think there are no other kids in the world who distrust adults, know how to fight, are great with improvisation, and can work on their own like you do? Think again.

It's not that all teenage girls can't be spies. It's that most teenage girls can't be spies. Just like most teenage guys can't be spies, either. Trust me, I hang out with guys, and they'd focus too much on looking good along the way, while on the job, to be able to actually get anything done.

We have no idea if Yassen's dead. People like him and want him alive. I'm sorry for that. But c'mon, he's cool…okay, so he killed your uncle. That's all Harold Sayle's fault. Yassen is just the gun, really.

But, I understand that you hate him. I plan to compensate for everyone else making you suddenly like him when he gets resurrected by throwing in quite some conflict when you meet him and…oh, shit, I just gave away a plot line of mine, didn't I? Well, at least I didn't say which story it was in.

And as for your dying, I'm sorry. But it is so much fun to write! I love the books written by Anthony Horowitz, but one of the major flaws is that he doesn't delve into emotional depths, enough. So, we have to compensate, and we just get a little…carried away.

Same goes for all the whump. We love exploring emotional testing, and boundry-crossing and physical thresholds.

Plus, it's just plain hott (or hot, or hawt, depending on how you like it spelled).

I promise to include plenty of painkillers in the end in my versions, all right? Want me to throw in anything else? Money and sex are well on their way to compensate, as well, even if it might be several chapters or so until then…

And on that note…

Sorry for the slash, too. But Damnit, we're young, horny, and have no where else to go! It's fuckin' hott, and it's just plain fun to write, okay? C'mon, it's not that bad, and it gives a different angle to things. Besides, never in the books has anyone explicitly stated/established their heterosexuality.

…

Okay, I'm just not going to bother with justification. It completely fails – not just fails, but phails. But still, I plan to write it, because it's fun and hot and a great way to pass the time. (I'm writing one, right now, in a collaborative effort – and there's a lot of thought and planning going into it, and I have a lot of boredom to deal with).

As for Sabina: I don't know why everyone hates her. I happen to like it. Most Sabina haters probably just want to a.) See you gay, or b.) happen to like putting in their own OC's.

However, you can't deny Sabina is occasionally Mary-Sue-ish in her own right. I mean, seriously, Sabina Pleasure?! What kind of a surname is that? But, then again, you are occasionally Gary-Stu-ish, yourself.

…hey, don't blame me – take it up with your author, all right?

Don't worry about it coming from me, at least, all right? I'm nice to her – in fact, I'm trying to get her to move back! Just tell her to cooperate and not be scared shitless just because you were shot and people close to you have a tendency of dying, in this fandom…

I don't know why people don't make you sarcastic enough. I do my best. Thank Jade for adding in some sarcasm, as well. I do my best to add in as much black humor and sarcasm on my own, as well.

1987?! Dude, no one knows when you were born. Tell Anthony Horowitz to clear that up, Damnit! Besides, you get better toys if it's a few more years into the 21st century. Hey, what can I say? Technology happens fast. Besides, the books do make the occasional reference to stuff that happens later in the 21st century, rather than earlier. It's a toss up, and the flexibility is nice. Most of the time, it doesn't matter too much, anyway.

And sorry about killing Jack. I know, I've done this, but angst is a lot more challenging to write (I don't know why people keep attempting it – I'll admit that most of the angst in the Alex Rider fandom is crap), and it's a great way to give people a second insight into your psyche.

We need it, okay? Angst junkies and all…

And I'm sorry about killing her, but I'm not going to stop, because after a while, the books lose their charm, and you need more, and you have to compensate in fanficition, all right?

I agree with you: Google is faster than Jesus. Go check out www-churchofgoogle-com. Google has actually been made into a religion. I think most people see you as quite a bit of an Atheist, so maybe you'll like this different take on things. If nothing else, it's a hilarious read.

Amitai was the first person to use the "Alex's class goes to SAS training" plotline. JK Mafia was the second. The first was original, the second was a rendition – but yes, the third steal becomes redundant. I swear and promise never to use those already used plotlines.

I've got two Alex Rider stories posted, and about around seven more boiling on my hard-drive (and that's just Alex Rider), and I promise that all nine or so plotlines are completely original – all mine, no one else's, and I don't care if they end up being taken when I do get around to posting them – they'll still be original and mine, and completely new.

Look on the bright side of things: at least if it's repetitive, then you know what to expect…right?

Okay, crappy defense. I'm on your side on this particular topic, anyway, so I'm not going to bother.

As for the plots you wanted in the spoofed letter: you never said please. A little bit of manners can go a long way.

Anywho, I would write them, myself, except I've got to write and re-write 14 currently posted fics across all my fandoms, not to mention the 15 plot bunnies boiling on my hardrive (26 if you count upcoming sequels in my several series stories), not to mention real life is kind of, well, getting in the way, y'know? But trust me, if I could, I would.

Here's an idea: why don't you write one of these fics? I'd like to see what happens if Alex Rider wrote an Alex Rider fanfic.

…aw, crap, now I've got another plot bunny idea…Damnit…ah, well. I guess it's now just 16/27 blot bunnies…

Now, Sabina, just to quell your nerves:

IGNORE the people who don't like you. I'm guessing a large number has to do with slashers and Mary-Suers.

And Alex? I'm also apologizing for the Yassen/Alex slash…yeah, I know, age difference makes it weird…but hey, most people forget that Yassen is probably old enough to be your dad – at least old enough to have worked with your dad. (And, apparently to some, old enough to have shagged your dad.)

I promise, I won't have Yassen screw you. He'll just be sticking to your dad, I swear…

…I also apologize in advance for any possible nightmares I may or may not have just given you…

This is largely an apology letter, and a bit of a defense. I'm sure you'll have a lot to say on this, and I hope to hear back to you. But, I still defend our right to write! (No pun intended – no, really, I saw that and was like, 'shit, now everyone's going to think it's a pun, when it's not').

Signed Sincerely,

Nyxelestia

First Order MEO

Resident Randommaster

Highly-Egotistical, Self-Proclaimed Goddess of the Internet

A/N: Drop a line, if you dare... :D