Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, or I'd keep on making the games for PS2 because I'm going to want to kill myself later when they come out with new games for three different game systems that I don't own!

A/N: Okay, so this was sparked out of boredom and a need to do a tribute to AkuRoku day. It may be a little confusing at times, but I was trying to work with Axel's mind here. This is written in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person which was a challenge from a friend. Other than that, credit to Maffiette for picking the name of the story.

Two hands closed solemnly on the slip of paper that piercing blue eyes roved over, barely taking in the words. Twice, they blinked away tears that threatened to splash onto the pristine white pages, tracing and retracing each letter with his mind until not a single word escaped him. Still, he began to reread once more… a… a fifth time maybe? Still, he hadn't made it to the end, but this time, as he began again, he knew that he would scrape past that single tear that had blurred the second-to-last piece of scrawled handwriting to discover… what exactly? He didn't know.

Still, he curled up in the chair and began to read once more.

If you get this, I'm not back yet. Don't' worry about it okay? I'll be fine. Routine check-up, got it mem... er... alright? Hey, if you're still cold, there's a few blankets in the closet, okay? Just ask Yuffie. She'll get 'em.

- Axel

Chill, Roxy. Again, just a check up. Been coughing just a little too much for ninja-girl's liking. It'll be the same as usual. No smoking (You won't let me sneak around and do it in the bathroom. Jokes, Rox. I wouldn't do that. I like my lungs just as cancerous and in-my-body as they are.)

But, hey, at least you know where to look for the note this time, right? God, I didn't mean to freak you out. Guess you were actually asleep when I told you where to look. I thought you were just ignoring me.

They'll always be hidden in the same spot. I just don't want Yuf to find 'em. That's a disaster waiting to happen. I mean, can you imagine? The whole nursing staff would be talking. Her and Rikku and Selphie and then they'd tell Marluxia and he'd tell Larxene, who'd tell DEMYX… Can you imagine?

Anyways, I digress. Be back soon, okay, Roxy?

- Porcupine on fire

P.S. That's right. I can hear you talking in your sleep. I can't believe that's what you associated me with! Nothing to do with the tattoos or the amazingly sexy body, no. You associate my hair with a flaming porcupine! You better be glad I love you... uh... I mean... I have nobody better to talk to? Well… maybe my hair'll warm you up… You're still saying your cold. Get Yuf to get those extra blankets, okay?

Roxy… I was awake, you know… I heard… just… I'm talking to the doctors about some stuff. Basically another… It's nothing to worry about, got it memorized? Heh… sorry. I know you hate that line. I'd quote back the old saying about bad habits, but where's the fun in that, right? Maybe in the irony? "die hard…" I hate this… I love you…

- Axel

Look. This isn't your choice. It isn't your… It's not your decision, okay? It's just… better this way…

Wordlessly (for what could he really say, even if there was someone to say it to right now?), he flipped to the last of the notes. This one was long, horribly so; pages upon pages written in messy script, each word written hastily, not able to be changed as they were poured from the heart onto the papers with only a hand as their intermediary. His fingers followed the wrinkles on the edges where fingers had gripped far too tight. Slowly, he began his journey along these new words, taking them in as carefully as he had the others:

So, I'm starting form the beginning here for any nosy people who are reading this (coughDEMYXcough (If you're not Demyx, my bad (still, why are you reading this?))). Yes, I mean you. Unless you're Roxas. Then I don't. Ah, whatever. I doubt it matters any more. I'm talking to you, Roxy, just so our nosy reader (please insert a mental death glare here) knows that.

I think it was a Monday when you came in, right? I guess you wouldn't know. You didn't wake up till hours later and you weren't actually all that coherent for a while after that. Apparently, in your delirium, you thought I was a porcupine on fire? I would take offense, but hospital drugs are worse than hallucinogens sometimes. Yuffie said one time that you could grind those things up and sell them for twice as much as crack. I don't think I want to know if she actually knows how much crack costs… or why she knows who much crack costs.

So, there you were, all blonde and beautiful and perfect and I think I fell in love right there… with you in the bed beside me with tubes in your arms. Not the perfect love story, but hey, this is real life, not a fairy, faery, faerie (How do you f-ing spell that damned word? I HATE fiction authors!) tale.

So, aside from my apparent dyslexia, lets get on with this.

"All blonde and beautiful", right? So, how the hell was I supposed to know that when you woke up and started talking, you wouldn't even notice me before you started arguing with a heart monitor. They're inanimate objects, Rox, and as annoying as they are, I have no advice but for you to get over it.

You didn't even notice me until I spoke, I think. See, you locked eyes with me, and god, that color of blue is so gorgeous, you know that, right? Here's to hoping you never look anyone else in the eyes, because they're impossible to resist falling in love with, and if you fall in love with anyone else, my ghost is murdering them in their sleep. Yes, that's right. My freaking GHOST will be a possessive bastard!

God, now you're staring at me like I'm insane, because you have no idea what I'm writing and I just burst out into mad laughter. Oh well, you already suspect I'm a psychopath. What's a little more proof for you?

What came next? 20 questions, right? Bet you hadn't played that game since middle school. Am I right? Yes means I'm in hell doing a happy dance. No means that I fail at life and am just in hell. (Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure I'm going to hell if there is one. There's just not enough good in me to even dredge up and apology to God or Karma or what-the-hell-ever for all the shit I've done.)

So, 20 questions. I think I was just repeating you, because after I told you that I had two siblings (one of which you may still not have met, just because Reno is that much of an ass), I believe you told me you had "Um… two… well… four… kinda five if you count… six?"

Which to total would be: your actual siblings, right: Cloud and Demyx? Then your half-brother Sora. And his half-brother Leon. And then Leon's dating Cloud, right? Is that incest or not? I can't really tell… And then Dem's dating Zexion (Who I don't think is related to you, but who knows?) And then Sora is dating your cousin's son, Riku? (Not to mention that said cousin also happens to be Cloud's old boyfriend, Sephi-whatever... (wtf?)) So that's about it for the whole messed up family member thing, right? You know what, I'm almost glad that you're all gay, just to avoid the whole 'deformed baby' issue. Is Dem the only vaguely healthy one?

Sorry, don't mean to offend, but honestly… I think most of your family members need to get out a family tree when accepting dating requests.

On the other hand, Rox, due to the whole possessive Axel-ghost killing issue, I don't think you'll be doing much dating. Unless you're into necrophilia… and then I can still be the only one you need, huh? Okay… morbid thought process. Sorry, I decided to delay writing this until you were asleep, so it's four in the morning because your sleep patterns suck, and I'm exhausted. But, I'm not sure I have time for this if I sleep now.

Anyways, I don't remember where I was, so I'm skipping ahead to about a week after you arrived, okay? Mostly because that's when Dem showed up for the first time. Okay, well... showed up in the hospital for the first time…

Dem was always a friend of mine, I dunno if you got that part of the story. Back in high school, I was a sort of friend to Larxene, which inevitably led me back to your brother. May I insert here, that I pity you for having a sadistic bitch for a cousin? Not that I minded much. Larxene's easy to placate if you have the right temperament, and since I was the one who set her up with Marluxia… (Go ahead and yell at me. You know you want to.)

So, I was kinda surprised. I mean, usually, you don't really expect old friends to show up out of nowhere to visit your roommate and then all of a sudden attack you. Especially not when you're in a hospital. I mean, I could have been seriously ill! All right, so I was seriously ill, but he could have killed me sooner! And then you might not have… well… I'm assuming you know. And if not, I'm going to tell you later anyways.

Anyways, I think it was meeting Dem, realizing exactly who you were, realizing that the moody pissed-off teenager that was stuck in a hospital was the same moody pissed-off teenager who had been coerced into playing drinking games with Dem and the rest of our group. So… we're going to blame Luxord for that, right?

But still. Realizing that I kind of, sort of knew you, in a way more personal than "hey, I'm the guy whose going to be dying next to you. Awesome, right?"… It had an effect on me… at least a little… Kairi'd say I'm nuts. So would your cousin for that matter… Naminé and Kairi always did agree on that stuff.

Maybe that effect was the thing that made me leave you the second note? The first one I just left so you wouldn't freak. It might've worked too, but it appears that you don't check under your pillow when you wake up… Not many people do, in hindsight, but it was worth a shot, right?

So… after the second note, when you didn't say anything, when you just kind of smirked at me when I got back, wheeled in by Rikku of all people, I think I felt it just a little. My heart jumped, I could feel it. Yours didn't… Yours was barely beating fast enough for you to be as responsive as you were. I mean, most people would have been in a coma.

I wonder, now, if maybe its one of those clauses that you find scattered all over places. If you don't know you're supposed to be sick, does your body react the same? I didn't want to tell you and test it. But I did want to test something. I wanted to test you. To see if maybe, just maybe, I could get your heart to speed up.

Do you remember that night, Roxy? I stole some scrubs from Marluxia and put them on you and rediscovered my secret stash of clothes that probably shouldn't have been hidden inside my pillowcase, but were, because they were a hell of a lot more comfortable than the real thing. Just… Don't tell Yuffie it was me who threw the pillow off the roof and hit the owner, Shinra or whatever his name was, in the head? I still want her speech at my funeral to be tolerable. Not "That bastard nearly got me and Rikku fired!" God, can you imagine how bad that funeral would be?

But still, I dressed you in scrubs and I snuck you out onto the roof and we just lay there for a while, looking up at the stars and stuff. I think we may have had a conversation. I think it may have been about dying. I don't quite remember. I remember that the longer I breathed in your scent, the less my lungs hurt and the less I felt I was going to pass out. I remember that when it started snowing, you said something about snow-angels. I remember that your heartbeat sped up when I kissed you, and then slowed back down when I pulled away.

I remember you passed out and I had to carry you back down. I remember that you were way too light to be normal. I remember Rikku panicking, yelling in Al Bhed, and I remember Tidus yelling back, but I don't remember what they said or what it meant other than 'heart' and 'kill'. I remember that's when I started hating Al Bhed. I think I remember screaming till I passed out from the pain in my lungs.

After everything, the only thing I really know that I remember was waking up to hear you and Dr. Xemnas conversing in quiet voices. You were defending me, saying it wasn't my fault. He was saying that it didn't matter and that I had just shortened your time to live.

I wanted to kill myself, then and there, and he was spouting technical stuff and I wanted to go back to sleep. Not because it was boring, because anything doing with your well-being couldn't be boring, Roxy. I wanted to go back to sleep so I didn't have to listen to Cloud and Leon stand and leave. So I didn't have to feel Sora glaring at me as if I had just murdered his best friend. So I didn't have to hear Demyx's music falter and then halt suddenly. So I didn't have to listen to you saying that you were confused. So I wouldn't have to be one of the ones who heard Zexion reply, "Roxas. Your heart is slowly failing. You'll need a transplant, or you won't live."

I wanted to sleep so I could die and not hear you tell the entire room that you were really cold. You'd been cold for days, and you hadn't thought anything of it. Neither had I, other than telling you to grab a blanket… and I hadn't thought that I might have hurt you by wanting to make your heart speed up and make you just as warm as I was… am…

I think you know the decision I made then, huh, Roxy? I mean, come on. I didn't have long to live anyways… My lungs just weren't going to hold up much longer, and no way in hell I was living strapped to a machine, right?

I wish I could say I was being brave or something, but really, I was terrified that you were going to die, and it'd be my fault. So I called Kairi to the hospital. I told her what my decision was… I got her to tape record my saying that what few things I owned that weren't total pieces of shit went to her and you… Then I talked to the doctors. Third note, right?

Roxas, you weren't awake when I left the fourth note. You weren't ever going to wake up again if we didn't get you a donor, and nobody… just…

It was the right thing you know… I left you note number 4, and it's not explaining things any better than this, but that note was written when I was somewhat coherent. When I wasn't sitting outside surgery, scribbling this for Tidus to stick under your pillow.

That beating you feel in your chest right now… well… if you're awake and reading this, I know that you didn't reject my heart…

It's kind of funny to say it that way. Really, it is, especially when you consider that I would have rather told you in any other way and had you tell me you didn't want it.

But, Rox… You're warm now, right?

Fingers clamped around the pages, threatening to crinkle them worse than the other set of hands already had. He hadn't had the right to read this after all. Blue eyes tipped towards the ceiling, and a tear added a track on his cheek before dripping onto the carpet beneath his feet. As he looked behind him, peeled apart the blind and watched Roxas and Demyx bombard Cloud and Leon with snow, Zexion silently keeping an eye on his boyfriend from a corner, Sora felt a bit less intrusive.

Stowing the papers back where he had found them, he moved to the back door and called softly, "Guys! Riku'll be back in a minute with more hot chocolate! Get in here! It's freezing out there!"

In a way that would've been frantic from anyone else, Cloud and Leon obeyed. They were probably glad to come inside, really.

Demyx looked ready to protest, but Zexion stood and touched his boyfriend's hand softly, and Demyx gave in and followed the slate-haired teen towards the door. Roxas on the other hand, flopped down in the snow and waved his arms back and forth, making wings and staring up at the hazy, gray sky.

"But, Sora! I'm not cold!"

Sora couldn't help but smile and stare up at the same sky through watery eyes, wondering if Roxas was answering Axel more than him.