(note : My apologies with the absolute freak lateness of this chapter. I was hit smack in the forehead with inspiration, shaped oddly like a wiffle ball, for an original story of mine. In my little writing world, my original stories get precedent over my fanfiction. My apologies again and I hope you enjoy this new installment)
Zim hummed a happy little tune that he had picked up from one of those infomercials Gir liked to stare mindlessly at (until it would pipe up suddenly about needing muscle toner) as he headed home. The day had gone rather well so far; he was able to spend much of it out of the house, which was always a bonus, and that out of the house time was spent at Dib's, in which much physical contact was made. Not as much as Zim would've liked, but he was sure to work his way up - or down, as the case may be - within the week.
He walked past the gnomes who didn't bother to even turn at his approach and opened the door to the sounds of Gir squealing about something or another and various robotic arms hanging limply down from the ceiling, sparks fizzling around them. Since this wasn't at all unusual, Zim bothered to shut the door and remove his disguise before looking for Gir, who he found shredding newspaper on the living room floor.
"Gir! What is the meaning of this horrible mess?" Zim barked, pulling himself up to his full Irken height, despite that it wasn't really much.
Gir stuffed a few pages of newspaper into it's mouth, chewing them down before turning to Zim and proclaiming gleefully, "Today is a good day to make new friends and my lucky numbers are 6, 9, and 42."
"Okay...." Zim decided it was best to just not asking what Gir was talking about with numbers and repeated his question.
"Oh!" Gir stood up suddenly, metallic arms waving in it's excitement, "I was bouncing around and like WHEE and it was like WHEE and pig was there and so was the guy with the big head and the baby and we had crumpets and then I remember I was out of hemorrhoid cream so I was going to the store to get some more when God called and I was all 'Hi God!' and God was all 'Hi Gir! Is Zim there?' and I was all 'Nooo, Master is away!' and God was all 'Okay, tell him I have a flaming inferno!' and I was all 'Okay God!' and did you know that God has a flaming inferno, Master?"
Zim stared for a moment at the crazy little robot before speaking, "No, actually, I did not. Thank-you for filling me in on that." He couldn't help but wonder sometime how to fix Gir's defective parts; he'd taken a look inside the robot once but the secret technology had obviously been disguised as pieces of junk. Zim figured the Tallest did that to fool the... foolish... humans.
"And - And - And you're welcome, Master! Ooo, there's a shoe sale!" And with that, Gir went back to stuffing it's mouth full of newspaper.
Zim slapped a gloved hand to his head in annoyance before turning and heading for the lab entrance. He has a nasty feeling there was a lot of cleaning up to be done.
"It's a shame all of those dog sitters were too weak to deal with Gir properly and had to get dragged off in crazy buckets...."
---
"Two more twists and - Gir, get away from that! Away, I said! AWAY! Go upstairs and play with the gnomes!"
"I'm coming, David!"
Zim sighed in relief, shoulders sagging as Gir bounded away. "Though now I'm probably going to have to repair the gnome defense system later," he muttered to himself as he finished fixing the Equalizing Stabilizing Not Very Wobbly Unless You Kicked It Good Disc, commonly referred to simply as 'the disc thingy'.
When the computer suddenly beeped with the message of an incoming transmission, Zim almost growled, antennae going flat back against his head. "Didn't that robot leave ANYTHING intact? I just ask for a few hours to try and mate with a human but nooo...." In frustration his slammed his fist down on the 'receive message' button, expecting static.
He was understandably surprised to see the Tallest.
"Hello Zim," Red said, sounding cheerful.
"How's the mission going?" Purple asked from beside him.
Zim stared briefly at the picture before pinching one of his own antennae hard, eliciting a sharp yelp. "Oh, I'm not unconscious...."
"Uhhh, no you're not," Red said, looking at Zim oddly.
Zim gave a little nervous laugh and a salute, wondering what was going on. The Tallest... the Tallest called HIM first! And they were asking about the mission! Maybe... maybe they were finally sending the Armada! Then Dib would see that the threat was too great to stand up to so he'd agree to Zim's little deal and Zim would finally get to take over the Earth! Zim waited breathlessly for the Tallest to speak again.
The two Irken stared at Zim for a long moment before Red turned to Purple who shrugged wordlessly. Red gave a little cough before looking back to Zim. "Zim, we'd like to talk to you."
"Yes?" Zim leaned forward, feeling like oxitonian worms were squirming just beneath his squiddly-spooch.
Red straightened up and grinned, eyes narrowing at the Invader who if he'd bothered to figure out the warning signs over years of ticking off the Tallest would have been suddenly alarmed. But, Zim being Zim, he simply waited for the good news.
"You have a decision to make, Zim," Red said, voice coated in malice, as Purple nodded in agreement from his side.
Zim's hopes deflated every so slightly at the tone before he figured he was going to be asked to decide something like would he like the Earth invaded at lunch or dinner time. "Okay, what do I have to decide? If it's the matter of if the laser-weasel experiment was a success or not, I'd have to say - "
"No," Red snapped irritably, "This has nothing to deal with weasels. It has come to our attention that you are currently in some sort of romantic relationship with an Earthanoid."
Only now did it strike Zim how angry the Tallest looked. "But!" Zim's eyes widened. How could they know?! He had only mentioned Dib in reports as an annoying human who should likely be removed, so how?! "But - but many of us have relationships outside of our own species!"
"_Conquered_ species, Zim," Red corrected firmly, "And since you have not yet taken over the planet...." He trailed off for a moment before tilting his head at Zim. "You DO see how being in love with a member of a species you're suppose to be enslaving could pose a problem to your mission?"
Zim's antennae drooped slightly. They were right, of course. It would be much more difficult to take over the Earth while spending extra time with Dib, who would only try to thwart his plans. "Yes, sir." Maybe if he could arrange something to see Dib in private and not let him spy on him as much - but he'd BEEN seeing Dib in private and Dib made a horrible, horrible spy! He'd just been lucky that Gir had been having another defective day when he snuck in to take that photo of Zim, years ago.
"So," Red continued, straightening up to his impressive full height once more, "You must make a choice. Your mission or your human."
The Tallest waited patiently as Zim thought - thought about his time at the Academy, about his first mission, about putting fires out, about being sent to Earth. He thought about Dib, his annoyance over the human's determination, his begrudging... admiration for his persistence, his theories over how much hair gel the human used. Zim's green brow furrowed as he looked at the floor as if it would provide his answers, his choice. Finally, he answered, puffing out his little chest bravely.
"I... I chose the mission."
"Well that's a pity Zim, you were almost a decent inva - WHAAAT?!" Red and Purple gaped open mouthed as Zim continued.
"It is my duty as an Irken Invader to ignore my emotions in favour of the mission to advance the glory of the Irken Empire and conquer this stink-ball." He bowed his head slightly, looking dejected but determined all the same. "The mission must come first!"
The two Irken leaders stared for another moment before Red turned to Purple, whispering harshly. "You said he'd chose the Earthaniod!"
"I thought he would! Ah, Zim," Purple said smoothly, moving in front of a very grumpy looking Red, "Maybe you should think your choice over."
Zim blinked. "What do you mean? The mission must be the foremost in every Invader's mind! That's what we had drilled into our brains back at the Academy!"
"Uh, yes, well," Purple was rubbing his hands together in a slightly nervous gesture and his eyes darted around as he thought quickly, "Well, you see, Zim, it's, um - you're not an Invader anymore."
It was Zim's turn to stare. "Wha - what?! But my Tallest - "
Purple waved a hand reassuringly, "Now now, don't get so upset, we're not going to banish you... again. You see, you're being... um... promoted!" Red made a choking noise from behind Purple who hushed the other leader quickly.
"Promoted...? You mean...." Zim was suddenly filled with a rush of excitement, "You mean I'm going to finally get to be in charge of a fleet?! Oh, thank-you, thank-you, my Ta - "
"NO! No, no!" Purple cut him off again, shaking his head firmly. Zim in charge of a fleet... the thought was enough to send him into violent convulsions. "You're being promoted to... ah... a very rare and highly sought position."
"Especially rare for one of your height," Red added in, going along with Purple.
"What is it?" Zim asked eagerly. This was beyond his wildest dreams! ... Well, no, not his _wildest_, but it was pretty out there. The Tallest truly did favour him! He always knew it.
"Um... uh.... Diplomat!" Purple suddenly said brightly.
The Invader stared again. "Diplo... mat?" Zim said in confusion, slowly sounding the word out.
Naturally, there were a few high ranking Irken officers who carried out diplomatic missions. However these missions mostly consisted of assuring neighbors of a recently conquered planet that no, of course they wouldn't be next and then being stationed on one of these planets to spy and tell the next approaching fleet important information, something like Invaders. Old Invaders actually usually made the best diplomats, although the very existence of Irken who talked to weaker races first instead of just shooting them was surrounded in myth and rumour.
"Yes, you're going to be a diplomat," Purple said with a nod, doing his best to ignore Red's odd look.
"What does a... diplomat... do?"
"Well, it's a lot like being an Invader, only without the, you know, invasion. We have decided NOT to conquer the Earth as it may prove it be a useful ally to us sometime in the future. As a token of our goodwill towards it's people, you will stay on the planet, acting as however you see fit - as long as you stay THERE."
Zim considered this. He wasn't sure how much he liked this 'no invasion' thing - really, the Earth deserved to fall before the awesome might of the Irken empire and he was born to be an Invader! Though... this would solve his problem with Dib....
"And I will report back to you....?"
"Once every, oh, three-hundred years," Purple said with a wave of his hand, "As a diplomat, you don't need to worry about sending us too many reports. In fact you could... never report to us again!" The two Tallest grinned.
"So, as one of your Almighty Tallest, I am now promoting you to the rank of diplomat. Your new mission begins today."
"And you can keep the SIR unit," Red added.
Zim nodded. Diplomat Zim.... It'd be different, but a change might be nice. And the Tallest never said diplomats _couldn't_ blow things up.... "I understand, my Tallest," Zim said with a salute.
"Excellent," Red nodded, "Good luck with your new mission, diplomat." The Tallest managed to keep straight faces until Zim clicked off the transmission.
Zim sat back heavily in a chair. Diplomat.... He realized a bit too late that he actually had no idea what diplomats DID, other than talk a lot, and the computer definition hadn't helped much. "Diplomats mostly talk to other diplomats," Zim mused to himself, ignoring the sounds of destruction filtering in from upstairs as Gir discovered how man created fire, "But I don't know any of these diplomats.... Perhaps Dib would count as one," he figured brightly. Dib always did like to talk. With that in mind, Zim headed upstairs to fight off Gir and get to a phone.
---
Light years away, two Irken leaders threw the biggest party that side of the universe had ever seen.
Zim hummed a happy little tune that he had picked up from one of those infomercials Gir liked to stare mindlessly at (until it would pipe up suddenly about needing muscle toner) as he headed home. The day had gone rather well so far; he was able to spend much of it out of the house, which was always a bonus, and that out of the house time was spent at Dib's, in which much physical contact was made. Not as much as Zim would've liked, but he was sure to work his way up - or down, as the case may be - within the week.
He walked past the gnomes who didn't bother to even turn at his approach and opened the door to the sounds of Gir squealing about something or another and various robotic arms hanging limply down from the ceiling, sparks fizzling around them. Since this wasn't at all unusual, Zim bothered to shut the door and remove his disguise before looking for Gir, who he found shredding newspaper on the living room floor.
"Gir! What is the meaning of this horrible mess?" Zim barked, pulling himself up to his full Irken height, despite that it wasn't really much.
Gir stuffed a few pages of newspaper into it's mouth, chewing them down before turning to Zim and proclaiming gleefully, "Today is a good day to make new friends and my lucky numbers are 6, 9, and 42."
"Okay...." Zim decided it was best to just not asking what Gir was talking about with numbers and repeated his question.
"Oh!" Gir stood up suddenly, metallic arms waving in it's excitement, "I was bouncing around and like WHEE and it was like WHEE and pig was there and so was the guy with the big head and the baby and we had crumpets and then I remember I was out of hemorrhoid cream so I was going to the store to get some more when God called and I was all 'Hi God!' and God was all 'Hi Gir! Is Zim there?' and I was all 'Nooo, Master is away!' and God was all 'Okay, tell him I have a flaming inferno!' and I was all 'Okay God!' and did you know that God has a flaming inferno, Master?"
Zim stared for a moment at the crazy little robot before speaking, "No, actually, I did not. Thank-you for filling me in on that." He couldn't help but wonder sometime how to fix Gir's defective parts; he'd taken a look inside the robot once but the secret technology had obviously been disguised as pieces of junk. Zim figured the Tallest did that to fool the... foolish... humans.
"And - And - And you're welcome, Master! Ooo, there's a shoe sale!" And with that, Gir went back to stuffing it's mouth full of newspaper.
Zim slapped a gloved hand to his head in annoyance before turning and heading for the lab entrance. He has a nasty feeling there was a lot of cleaning up to be done.
"It's a shame all of those dog sitters were too weak to deal with Gir properly and had to get dragged off in crazy buckets...."
---
"Two more twists and - Gir, get away from that! Away, I said! AWAY! Go upstairs and play with the gnomes!"
"I'm coming, David!"
Zim sighed in relief, shoulders sagging as Gir bounded away. "Though now I'm probably going to have to repair the gnome defense system later," he muttered to himself as he finished fixing the Equalizing Stabilizing Not Very Wobbly Unless You Kicked It Good Disc, commonly referred to simply as 'the disc thingy'.
When the computer suddenly beeped with the message of an incoming transmission, Zim almost growled, antennae going flat back against his head. "Didn't that robot leave ANYTHING intact? I just ask for a few hours to try and mate with a human but nooo...." In frustration his slammed his fist down on the 'receive message' button, expecting static.
He was understandably surprised to see the Tallest.
"Hello Zim," Red said, sounding cheerful.
"How's the mission going?" Purple asked from beside him.
Zim stared briefly at the picture before pinching one of his own antennae hard, eliciting a sharp yelp. "Oh, I'm not unconscious...."
"Uhhh, no you're not," Red said, looking at Zim oddly.
Zim gave a little nervous laugh and a salute, wondering what was going on. The Tallest... the Tallest called HIM first! And they were asking about the mission! Maybe... maybe they were finally sending the Armada! Then Dib would see that the threat was too great to stand up to so he'd agree to Zim's little deal and Zim would finally get to take over the Earth! Zim waited breathlessly for the Tallest to speak again.
The two Irken stared at Zim for a long moment before Red turned to Purple who shrugged wordlessly. Red gave a little cough before looking back to Zim. "Zim, we'd like to talk to you."
"Yes?" Zim leaned forward, feeling like oxitonian worms were squirming just beneath his squiddly-spooch.
Red straightened up and grinned, eyes narrowing at the Invader who if he'd bothered to figure out the warning signs over years of ticking off the Tallest would have been suddenly alarmed. But, Zim being Zim, he simply waited for the good news.
"You have a decision to make, Zim," Red said, voice coated in malice, as Purple nodded in agreement from his side.
Zim's hopes deflated every so slightly at the tone before he figured he was going to be asked to decide something like would he like the Earth invaded at lunch or dinner time. "Okay, what do I have to decide? If it's the matter of if the laser-weasel experiment was a success or not, I'd have to say - "
"No," Red snapped irritably, "This has nothing to deal with weasels. It has come to our attention that you are currently in some sort of romantic relationship with an Earthanoid."
Only now did it strike Zim how angry the Tallest looked. "But!" Zim's eyes widened. How could they know?! He had only mentioned Dib in reports as an annoying human who should likely be removed, so how?! "But - but many of us have relationships outside of our own species!"
"_Conquered_ species, Zim," Red corrected firmly, "And since you have not yet taken over the planet...." He trailed off for a moment before tilting his head at Zim. "You DO see how being in love with a member of a species you're suppose to be enslaving could pose a problem to your mission?"
Zim's antennae drooped slightly. They were right, of course. It would be much more difficult to take over the Earth while spending extra time with Dib, who would only try to thwart his plans. "Yes, sir." Maybe if he could arrange something to see Dib in private and not let him spy on him as much - but he'd BEEN seeing Dib in private and Dib made a horrible, horrible spy! He'd just been lucky that Gir had been having another defective day when he snuck in to take that photo of Zim, years ago.
"So," Red continued, straightening up to his impressive full height once more, "You must make a choice. Your mission or your human."
The Tallest waited patiently as Zim thought - thought about his time at the Academy, about his first mission, about putting fires out, about being sent to Earth. He thought about Dib, his annoyance over the human's determination, his begrudging... admiration for his persistence, his theories over how much hair gel the human used. Zim's green brow furrowed as he looked at the floor as if it would provide his answers, his choice. Finally, he answered, puffing out his little chest bravely.
"I... I chose the mission."
"Well that's a pity Zim, you were almost a decent inva - WHAAAT?!" Red and Purple gaped open mouthed as Zim continued.
"It is my duty as an Irken Invader to ignore my emotions in favour of the mission to advance the glory of the Irken Empire and conquer this stink-ball." He bowed his head slightly, looking dejected but determined all the same. "The mission must come first!"
The two Irken leaders stared for another moment before Red turned to Purple, whispering harshly. "You said he'd chose the Earthaniod!"
"I thought he would! Ah, Zim," Purple said smoothly, moving in front of a very grumpy looking Red, "Maybe you should think your choice over."
Zim blinked. "What do you mean? The mission must be the foremost in every Invader's mind! That's what we had drilled into our brains back at the Academy!"
"Uh, yes, well," Purple was rubbing his hands together in a slightly nervous gesture and his eyes darted around as he thought quickly, "Well, you see, Zim, it's, um - you're not an Invader anymore."
It was Zim's turn to stare. "Wha - what?! But my Tallest - "
Purple waved a hand reassuringly, "Now now, don't get so upset, we're not going to banish you... again. You see, you're being... um... promoted!" Red made a choking noise from behind Purple who hushed the other leader quickly.
"Promoted...? You mean...." Zim was suddenly filled with a rush of excitement, "You mean I'm going to finally get to be in charge of a fleet?! Oh, thank-you, thank-you, my Ta - "
"NO! No, no!" Purple cut him off again, shaking his head firmly. Zim in charge of a fleet... the thought was enough to send him into violent convulsions. "You're being promoted to... ah... a very rare and highly sought position."
"Especially rare for one of your height," Red added in, going along with Purple.
"What is it?" Zim asked eagerly. This was beyond his wildest dreams! ... Well, no, not his _wildest_, but it was pretty out there. The Tallest truly did favour him! He always knew it.
"Um... uh.... Diplomat!" Purple suddenly said brightly.
The Invader stared again. "Diplo... mat?" Zim said in confusion, slowly sounding the word out.
Naturally, there were a few high ranking Irken officers who carried out diplomatic missions. However these missions mostly consisted of assuring neighbors of a recently conquered planet that no, of course they wouldn't be next and then being stationed on one of these planets to spy and tell the next approaching fleet important information, something like Invaders. Old Invaders actually usually made the best diplomats, although the very existence of Irken who talked to weaker races first instead of just shooting them was surrounded in myth and rumour.
"Yes, you're going to be a diplomat," Purple said with a nod, doing his best to ignore Red's odd look.
"What does a... diplomat... do?"
"Well, it's a lot like being an Invader, only without the, you know, invasion. We have decided NOT to conquer the Earth as it may prove it be a useful ally to us sometime in the future. As a token of our goodwill towards it's people, you will stay on the planet, acting as however you see fit - as long as you stay THERE."
Zim considered this. He wasn't sure how much he liked this 'no invasion' thing - really, the Earth deserved to fall before the awesome might of the Irken empire and he was born to be an Invader! Though... this would solve his problem with Dib....
"And I will report back to you....?"
"Once every, oh, three-hundred years," Purple said with a wave of his hand, "As a diplomat, you don't need to worry about sending us too many reports. In fact you could... never report to us again!" The two Tallest grinned.
"So, as one of your Almighty Tallest, I am now promoting you to the rank of diplomat. Your new mission begins today."
"And you can keep the SIR unit," Red added.
Zim nodded. Diplomat Zim.... It'd be different, but a change might be nice. And the Tallest never said diplomats _couldn't_ blow things up.... "I understand, my Tallest," Zim said with a salute.
"Excellent," Red nodded, "Good luck with your new mission, diplomat." The Tallest managed to keep straight faces until Zim clicked off the transmission.
Zim sat back heavily in a chair. Diplomat.... He realized a bit too late that he actually had no idea what diplomats DID, other than talk a lot, and the computer definition hadn't helped much. "Diplomats mostly talk to other diplomats," Zim mused to himself, ignoring the sounds of destruction filtering in from upstairs as Gir discovered how man created fire, "But I don't know any of these diplomats.... Perhaps Dib would count as one," he figured brightly. Dib always did like to talk. With that in mind, Zim headed upstairs to fight off Gir and get to a phone.
---
Light years away, two Irken leaders threw the biggest party that side of the universe had ever seen.