Mickey's sworn vow to never again touch another alcoholic drink lasted a grand total of two and a half days, and then he was b

Mickey's sworn vow to never again touch another alcoholic drink lasted a grand total of two and a half days, and then he was back the pub enjoying a pint and watching the match. At least he was trying to watch the match. The bar was packed, and Mickey had to crane his neck and twist his head at a painful angle in order to see the television at all. Plus Jackie kept trying to talk to him about... something.

"Are you listening to me at all?" Jackie demanded.

"Yes," Mickey lied. Hang on, hang on, surely that was offside.

"There are more important things than the FA cup quarter finals, you know."

"I know that, course I know that. The quarter finals and the finals are still to come."

"I thought you'd jump at the chance," Jackie said, mistakenly assuming that Mickey had been following the conversation thus far.

"What chance?" Mickey asked without taking his eyes from the TV.

"To give up this Space Burger stuff once and for all."

"You mean now that they are being shut down by the environmental health?" Mickey asked. It was true, all over London Space Burger restaurants were being closed down by stern looking men in suits carrying clipboards.

"Uh huh, and because UNIT are involved now, Sarah Jane seemed to think they knew what they were doing."

"Yeah, that's a weight off- Foul!" Mickey screamed in dismay along with half the pub.

"And what with the aliens turning up at Sarah's house looking for her, it's not exactly safe." Jackie looked to Mickey for some kind of response but he was too busy mumbling something about penalties into his pint. Jackie sighed and decided to leave him to it. "Oh, I give up. I'm going home."

Mickey probably wouldn't have bothered answering his phone when it rang half an hour later, but it was half time anyway and he was feeling a bit guilty about ignoring Jackie when they should have been celebrating getting their lives back to normal.

"Hi, Jackie," Mickey shouted over the general din of the pub.

"Mickey," Jackie whispered urgently, "There's someone in my flat!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm outside, at the bottom of the stairs. But there's definitely something inside, I can hear it moving around."

Mickey wasn't reassured by the word 'it.' "Don't move," he told Jackie, pushing his way through the crowded bar towards the door.

"What if something comes down the stairs?"

"Then you should probably move. I'll be there in a minute." Mickey hung up the phone as he made it outside, behind him he heard a roar of "Goal!" and to his credit he only considered going back inside to see who'd scored for a second before he turned and ran in the direction of Jackie's flat.

Mickey found Jackie exactly where she said she was going to be, cowering at the bottom of the stairs leading up to her front door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I don't think whatever's up there heard me. But, Mickey, you didn't see Sarah's house, it was wrecked, if she'd been there she could have been killed."

Mickey tried to think of something reassuring to say, "You don't know that it's the aliens upstairs. It could be, I dunno, a stray cat."

"Mickey, I was standing right outside the door, it sounds like a herd of wild horses are in there."

"We're not going to find anything out hanging around down here," Mickey pointed out.

"One of us should go up and have a look."

"That sounds like a plan."

"Right," said Jackie giving him a little shove, "Up you go."

"Let me get this straight," Mickey said. "You think that there are carnivorous aliens waiting to kill and quite possibly eat us up in your flat?"

Wondering where her life had gone so wrong that that was actually true Jackie said, "Yes."

"And you want me to go up and see them?"

"Uh huh."

"Why me, what do you think I'm going to be able to do?"

"You're a bloke," Jackie said, figuring that it was at least mostly true. "When they attack you you'll be able to defend yourself better."

"Yeah, well you're older than me. It'll be less sad if you get killed."

Jackie thumped him between the shoulder blades with quite impressive force. "Upstairs. Now," she ordered.

"We'll both go, yeah?"

And so, clinging together like limpets, Jackie and Mickey slowly ascended the stairs.

"Why am I in front?"

"No reason."

"You go in front then."

"No way!"

"Yes way."

"Ow! Jackie, stop elbowing me."

"They'll hear us," Jackie admonished as they reached the landing. The door to Jackie's flat was slightly ajar; from behind it came a voice.

"As a matter of fact we heard you bickering all the way up the stairs."

The door swung all the way open and Mickey and Jackie stared open mouthed at the half a dozen or so people in the flat.

"Jackie, do aliens usually wear red berets and carry guns?"

"Not in any film I've ever seen."

Most people have a fight or flight reflex. Mickey, at least when faced with half a dozen people wearing military fatigues and carrying guns, had a fight, flight or stand there with an open mouth looking like a mug reflex. Fight and flight put up a brief struggle, more for the look of the thing than anything else, but standing there looking like a mug won the day.

"I'm sorry," said the man standing closest to the door, waving to the others to lower their weapons, "Didn't mean to alarm you."

"Alarm us?" Mickey squeaked, "You didn't alarm us, did they, Jackie?"

Jackie risked a peek out from behind Mickey. "Just to check, you're not aliens here to kill us, mince us then put us in burgers are you?"

"No, ma'am," said the soldier. "That wasn't part of my orders."

Neither Jackie nor Mickey found that particularly reassuring. The soldier held out his hand for Mickey to shake. "Sergeant Benton," he introduced himself.

Keeping a nervous eye on the gun holstered at the soldier's belt Mickey shook his hand. "I'm Mickey Smith, and this is Jackie Tyler," Mickey gestured towards Jackie who was still pressed against his back with her insanely sharp fingernails digging into his shoulders.

"I have orders to take both of you into protective custody," said Benton.

"Hang on," demanded Jackie, annoyance overcoming her fear. "Orders from who?"

"UNIT, the unified intelligence taskforce," Benton got a far away look in his eyes. "You know I remember when it was called the United Nations intelligence taskforce, ah, the good old days."

"Who do we need protecting from?" Mickey asked.

"We received some information that you've been investigating a recent series of alien sightings in London. We believe this may have placed you in serious danger. We ask that you come with us for your own good."

"It's not that I don't trust strange armed men who break into my flat-"

"I thought that'd be right up your street," muttered Mickey under his breath.

"Be quiet," Jackie ordered him. She then turned her attention back to Benton, "You've just broken into my flat, waved guns in my face and scared me half to death. Why should I believe anything you say?"

Benton mused this over, "Because the aliens threatened to mince you and put you in a bun?"

Jackie thought about this, it was true that she didn't see much of a future in being a hamburger. "Good point well made. We'll come with you."

"Hang on," objected Mickey, "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No," said Jackie, keeping her answer short and to the point.

Benton shot Mickey a sympathetic look. "Jenkins, get on the radio and get the jeeps brought round."

A very young looking soldier exited the flat, apologising to Jackie and Mickey as he brushed past them.

The UNIT jeeps weren't as shiny or high tech as the Torchwood ones Mickey had followed. But on the plus side they didn't have what looked like most of Blackpool's Christmas decorations hanging in their windows, this meant that you could get in and out of them without wearing a pair of dark glasses and affecting a welsh accent.

Mickey slid into the back sear next to Jackie. "Where are we going?" she asked.

"UNIT HQ, ma'am," said Benton.

"Oh, you can call me Jackie," Jackie said with a girlish giggle. Mickey rolled his eyes and began reconsidering his dark glasses and fake welsh accent options.

"Where's UNIT HQ when it's at home?" Mickey asked, feeling that they were drifting away from the original question.

"Our London HQ is near Tower Bridge, but..." Benton trailed off awkwardly.

"But..?" Mickey prompted.

"They opened up a Space Burger next door."

"Yeah, I can see how that would be a problem for you."

"It's more embarrassing than problematic," Benton said, "So we're taking you to one of our HQ's in Surrey."

Mickey briefly wondered what sort of secret alien fighting organisation had more than one HQ in Surrey. "Aliens invade Surrey a lot then, do they?"

"You'd be surprised," said Benton. Mickey believed that he would and settled down for the long drive out of London.

Rose had told Mickey many horror stories about her mum's flirting and Mickey had always laughed along and assumed she was over-reacting but as Jackie adjusted her cleavage in the hope of attracting Benton's attention in the rear view mirror Mickey thought he'd better do something to distract her. After all, the poor bloke was trying to drive.

"How'd you get involved in the secret alien fighting business then, Sergeant?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Mickey's girlfriend had been pinched by a time travelling mad man and he'd spent the last few days as part of an alcohol based resistance against the evil forces of the Burger King aliens. He thought people had pretty much lost the right to tell him what he would or would not believe.

Jackie voiced Mickey's thought for him. "If we could handle the fact that aliens were feeding minced up green octopus to most of London then I think we can handle your army stories."

"I was frozen in time."

"Say again?" said Mickey, who had underestimated just how open his mind was.

"I worked for UNIT back in the seventies, back when it was called the United Nations intelligence taskforce. We were infiltrated by these aliens, I was captured and frozen. There was even an evil doppelganger of me. Well, I say evil, he was a used car salesman. That was how they finally worked out he was an impostor."

"Why," asked Mickey, "Was he a really bad used car salesman?"

"No, he was a really good salesman. I'd be terrible, I'm too honest."

"Ooh, I like an honest man," said Jackie and Mickey cringed.

"Torchwood managed to unfreeze me last year. They offered me a job, but it was all a bit too..."

"Flash?" Mickey suggested.

"Hi tech," said Benton. "The last thing I remembered it was nineteen seventy three, even mobile phones were beyond me."

"I can't use predictive text," said Jackie sympathetically. It was true, she couldn't. Mickey had received some seriously garbled text messages from her before he'd shown her how to turn the predictive text off.

"I found out that UNIT was still around, it had changed a lot since my day but they can always find a job for a good sergeant and here I am."

"So, like, you went to sleep in nineteen seventy three and woke up in two thousand and six." It made a certain amount of sense to Mickey; no one who wasn't from the seventies would deliberately have those sideburns.

"I suppose you could say I'm something of a time traveller," said Benton with a smile that Mickey could see reflected in the mirror.

"Oh, good," said Jackie slouching back in her seat. "Another time traveller, that's just what we need." Sergeant Benton had just lost his shine for her

They'd long since left the worst of the traffic and were driving along empty country roads through fields, fields, and yes, more fields. Mickey had never been a great fan of the countryside, it smelled funny and you could never find a pub with a telly to watch the match.

"We're nearly there," said Benton.

"Where's there?" Jackie asked.

Benton didn't have to answer because just then the small convoy of UNIT jeeps swung off the main road and proceeded up the driveway of the sort of posh stately home that practically had the word aristocracy stamped on it. Jeeps were parked outside and UNIT soldiers in their black and red uniforms were everywhere.

Mickey admired his surroundings and said, "I knew I should have joined the army."

"It used to be a country house hotel, until UNIT took it over. It's where we're keeping all the civilians who have put themselves in danger by investigating these aliens."

"Does this happen a lot then?" Mickey asked. "Do you get a lot of... freelancers?"

"Oh, not in the old days, back then alien invasions were more subtle. Not now, now it's all shop window dummies and spaceships crashing into Big Ben. You can hardly expect people not to notice."

Benton pulled the jeep to a halt and stepped out, Mickey and Jackie followed. The gravel crunched under Mickey's trainers. "The Brigadier will want to talk to you soon," Benton said, "I'll have someone escort you to where you can wait. Private Jenkins!"

"Yes, Sergeant?" the painfully young looking soldier from the flat trotted obediently over.

"Take Mr Smith and Mrs Tyler to the conference room and go through the usual civilian procedure with them."

Once Benton had gone, barking orders at a group of soldiers loitering by some jeeps Jackie asked Jenkins, "What's the usual civilian procedure?"

"You have to watch the video."

Jackie and Mickey were led through corridors bustling with soldiers to a conference room where it turned out that there actually was a video to watch. It was called So Now You Know About Aliens.

While Jackie and Mickey were watching the introduction to aliens video which had the production values of a mid nineteen eighties episode of Blue Peter, two hundred and fifty years in the future and slightly to the south of Surrey Rose Tyler was shopping. She was examining a mobile phone half the size of her pinkie finger.

"Excellent choice," said the salesman popping up behind her. Rose couldn't help but flinch, travelling with the Doctor meant that you developed a negative association with people popping up behind you, they were usually about to kidnap you. "My apologies, I didn't mean to alarm you."

"You didn't alarm me," Rose lied. Another lesson of travelling with the Doctor: never let anyone see that you were scared of them, even if they were only a mobile phone salesman.

"Anyway, that's an excellent choice of phone. Full universal roaming, it gets a signal even in the atmosphere of Jupiter. Not that you'd have any reason to be inside the atmosphere of Jupiter..." the salesman laughed at what he obviously thought was a very funny joke.

Rose gave a weak little laugh because it wasn't like the Doctor had gotten them lost on the way to take her mobile phone shopping and only the protective shielding on the TARDIS had saved them both from suffocating in the atmosphere of Jupiter.

The salesman started telling her about the prices of various phone contracts. Rose tuned him out, the Doctor had given her his credit card which as far as she could tell had unlimited credit. He'd once left her alone for two days on the fashionable shopping world of Alpha Centauri VII and Rose had made it her mission to try and empty his account with no luck. Of course when the Doctor had returned he had been less than impressed with some of her purchases, but as Rose had pointed out they never knew when they might end up needing their own personal asteroid.

"So what do you say?" the salesman asked hopefully.

"Oh, I'll take it." Rose wasn't really bothered by any of the technical details, but she was feeling a little lost without a phone. She hadn't spoken to her mum in nearly a week. It wasn't as though she really thought anything could have happened to Jackie or Mickey, nothing interesting ever happened in twenty first century London. But she rather thought that Jackie might be starting to worry, so she should probably call home.

Rose was queuing waiting to pay when the phone was snatched from her hand. "Where'd you get this?" the Doctor asked, "the antiques department?"

"Where did you get to?"

"Supermarket, we're nearly out of teabags on the TARDIS."

"Can't have that," said Rose, who'd been there the last time they'd ran out of teabags. Keeping the Doctor in tea was now up there with running for her life as one of her top priorities in life. "Anyway, what's wrong with this phone?"

"It's too big," the Doctor said dismissively.

"It's the smallest mobile I've ever seen."

"Yeah, but your era always was a bit backwards," said the Doctor neatly sidestepping to avoid Rose's playful elbow to his ribs. "Hey, my friend doesn't want this one anymore. She's after one of those inner ear mobiles that have just come out."

"Are you sure you can afford that, Sir?" asked the cashier with a smirk.

"Rose?" the Doctor prompted. Rose dug his credit card out of her pocket and handed it to him before the Doctor handed it over with a grin.

Rose had never seen the Doctor's credit card declined, this was quite impressive seeing that the cardholder's name was given as 'the Doctor' and the name of the bank was the 'Bank of Money.'

Twenty minutes later the Doctor and Rose strolled out of Bad Wolf Electronics. Rose was carrying a bag containing what she thought must a microscopic mobile phone because however much she took apart the packaging she never found the actual phone.

"Sorry," apologised Jenkins, turning the video off at the end. "But all civilians have to watch it, and UNIT never did have much need of a public relations budget."

"It wasn't that bad," said Jackie feeling bad for the poor boy. "Was it Mickey?"

"I liked the bit with the model aliens," Mickey said. "What were they made of, bubble wrap?"

"Yes, Sergeant Benton likes them. He says he remembers when aliens actually looked like that."

"All that time on ice must have gone to his head," Mickey joked.

There was a knock at the door and Sergeant Benton walked in. "The Brigadier would like a word with our guests, Private." Jenkins nodded and stood to attention.

Benton was followed into the conference room by a black woman wearing what Jackie now easily recognised as the UNIT uniform, the only difference was that hers was shinier, that must mean she was in charge. Jackie had been involved with a sailor when Rose had been younger and all she'd learned about Navy ranks was that the more sparkly the uniform the more senior the person wearing it.

"I'm Brigadier Winifred Bambera," both Jackie and Mickey opened their mouths to introduce themselves but the Brigadier waved them into silence. "Congratulations on realising that aliens are real, this makes you more intelligent than ninety five percent of the British population. However making yourselves known to the aliens was exceedingly unwise. You will be kept here at UNIT headquarters until the danger has passed."

"Hang on," shouted Jackie, "you can't just keep us here against our will."

"I'm sorry, did Sergeant Benton fail to explain the concept of protective custody to you."

Jackie glared at Benton, he avoided making eye contact with her by standing to the most attention it was possible to stand to.

"Yeah," said Mickey, "But you still haven't told us what we're being protected from. Cause we went and spoke to one of the aliens and he didn't seem that threatened by us. He barely seemed to notice us."

"Things have moved on," Bambera answered reluctantly.

"How?" demanded Jackie. "Look, you said yourself that we're not idiots."

"What I actually said was that you were more intelligent than most British people, the two are not the same."

"If we're in danger you should tell us what from. I don't know about any of you but if I'm about to be killed I damn well want to know why."

Bambera looked at Jackie with an expression of vague horror. She was a high ranking military officer; she met very few people who dared to give her orders. However Jackie Tyler was the mother of an occasionally stroppy nineteen year old and was absolutely convinced of her right to give orders to anyone. It was no competition.

"Sergeant Benton will explain the situation to you, I have work to do." Benton gave a salute as Bambera left the room, mostly succeeding in not looking too amused. Jenkins was younger and less experienced and was openly staring at Jackie as though she'd just successfully proved there was no God.

Benton joined them sitting at the table, "What do you want to know?"

"What the hell's all this about?" said Jackie, this was no time for detailed questions.

"What she means," interrupted Mickey, "Is that the last time we looked all the Space Burgers were being shut down for having the alien equivalent of cockroaches and this whole thing was nearly over. So how come everybody here's acting like they're characters in Apocalypse Now?"

"I love that movie," chirped in Jenkins.

"It's about money," said Benton. "In the nineteen eighties the government allowed several alien corporations to use the UK as a tax haven."

"Let me get this straight," said Mickey, "We're like some big intergalactic Swiss bank?"

"Depressing, isn't it?" said Jenkins.

"Our new Prime Minister is not too keen on this policy," continued Benton. Another reason to quite like Harriet Jones, decided Jackie.

"The fact that she had a bad reaction to one of those burgers helped make up her mind," added Jenkins.

"Anyway, the aliens lost quite a bit of money and they seem to think that destroying the government will reverse this policy."

"Or at least make them feel better."

"So the fast food aliens really are trying to overthrow the British government?"

Both Benton and Jenkins nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, we know."

"Mickey, is that short for Michael?" Jenkins asked.

"Yeah," Mickey confirmed. The UNIT soldiers would really have preferred it if Mickey and Jackie would stay put in the conference room. But after establishing that they couldn't get reception on the TV in there they both decided that they'd much rather have the run of the place.

They both had to have security checks run to make sure that they'd never attempted to overthrow the government or take over the world by hypnosis.
Jackie's check printed out first, Jenkins glanced over it until he reached the criminal convictions part. "Drunk and disorderly, really?"

"Just because you're not old enough to drink," Jackie retorted. It was true, UNIT uniform or not Jenkins looked like he was barely out of short trousers.

"Another count of drunk and disorderly?"

"It was more the singing than the drunkenness the police objected to, I think."

"That's true," said Mickey helpfully. "She couldn't carry a tune in a bucket."

Jenkins continued casting an eye over Jackie's misspent youth, "Lewd behaviour?"

"That was more Pete's fault that mine."

"And drunk and disorderly again. Well, as long as we keep you away from the hotel bar I don't see anything that would stop you getting a security pass, I'll print you one out."

Next Mickey's security check printed out. Knowing that his past was less unsavoury than Jackie's he waited cheerfully. Jenkins took one look at the printout and all colour drained from his face.

"Don't move," Jenkins barked orders for two soldiers two come in and guard them while he hurried from the room.

"Anything you want to get off your chest, Mickey?"

"Not that I know of," said Mickey casually, because he wasn't worried. He was just in an isolated hotel in the middle of nowhere with a load of armed soldiers who'd clearly just discovered something they didn't like about him. Nope, not worried at all.

Mickey squirmed in his chair. He was being stared down by Brigadier Bambera, it was actually kind of scary. She was scrutinising his security report.

"Mickey Smith?"

"Yes."

"You were a murder suspect for a year?"

"Yes," Mickey squirmed some more, "Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"I didn't kill her. You can tell on account of how she isn't actually dead."

"And only last month you hijacked a military asset and used it blow up number ten Downing Street?"

Ah, what with all the excitement Mickey had forgotten about that. He could try to explain to Bambera that the only reason he'd done that was that a mad alien with a little blue box had told him to, but what were the chances that she'd believe him?

"No, sorry, that must have been some other Mickey Smith."

It wasn't that Jackie was eves-dropping, it was just that she happened to be standing outside the Brigadier's office with her ear pressed to the wood. And anyway if Mickey was going to be put up against a wall and shot for being a traitor she thought she deserved some warning, it would be terribly upsetting for her.

"Listening at doors, I thought that was meant to be my job."

Jackie turned, trying to think of a valid reason for her not eves-dropping and found herself face to face with Sarah Jane Smith. "Oh, it's you."

"Yes, hello, I see they got you out of London."

"Oh, yes. Kidnapped at gunpoint, I was."

"Really?" said Sarah, "That doesn't sound like UNIT."

"Well, it was a very polite kidnapping."

The soldier who was escorting Sarah Jane cleared his throat. Sarah rolled her eyes, "I've been working with UNIT for thirty years and yet they insist on running a security check on me every single time. Try to stay out of trouble."

"Believe me," said Jackie. "I'm really, really trying." Sarah was escorted away and Jackie was just about to turn her attention back to the door when the office door was opened and Mickey was escorted out. He was smiling, so that probably meant he wasn't about to be executed for treason. Still it was probably best to check.

"Are you going to be put up against a wall and shot?"

"Not unless they're going to do it as a surprise."

Later, once they'd established that no one was going to be shot as a traitor, Jackie and Mickey sought out lunch.

The canteen was still decked out like a posh hotel restaurant, the trouble was that when UNIT had taken over they'd sent all the staff packing. So Jackie and Mickey were eating army food, which really could make a person long for an octopus burger.

"I heard Benton talking earlier," said Mickey around a mouthful of what could charitably be called lunch. "He said the aliens attacked in London, he reckoned they were trying to kill the Prime Minister."

"What the hell have we got ourselves involved with here?" Jackie said with sigh.

Mickey looked around at the UNIT personnel who were making valiant attempts to enjoy their lunch. "There's the best part of an army here, we'll be perfectly safe."

And that, of course, was the moment when an almighty explosion rocked the building. Soldiers ran out of the room, looking purposeful and shouting. Jackie yelped and made an effort to hide under the table, Mickey stood up so quickly that he tipped what was left of his lunch onto his lap.

Everyone else looked as though they knew exactly where they were meant to be. "Where do we go?" Jackie asked clutching at Mickey's arm.

"Err, we could always go hide in a cupboard?"

The cupboard contained all the UNIT letter-headed stationery, the emergency red berets, a broken coffee machine, several defunct (or mistakenly labelled as such) alien blasters, and Jackie Tyler and Mickey Smith.

"Do you think this is a bit pathetic?" Jackie wondered.

"Why's it pathetic?" Mickey asked, listening to the bangs, thuds, whizzing bullets and alien blasters making alien blaster type noises coming from outside.

"We're hiding in a cupboard while people are fighting aliens right outside."

"We're not hiding, we're just..."

"Hiding in a cupboard?"

"Hiding in a cupboard, yeah."

The chaos from outside died down until there was silence. "Should we go outside and have a look?" Jackie asked.

"I suppose we can't spend the rest of our lives in this cupboard," said Mickey, even though he could see the attraction of living in here.

"I can't hear anything?"

"Maybe UNIT won?"

"What if the aliens won?"

"What if they're all dead?"

"Oh, that's a lovely thought. Thank you very much."

"We're not going to find anything out standing here in the dark."

"Right, let's open the door on the count of three."

"One, two, three..."

"Which one of us was meant to turn the handle?"

"Oh, for the love of..." Mickey opened the door and clutching hands with Jackie stepped out into the corridor. He was aware of dull pain thudding across the back of his head. He heard Jackie calling out as he slumped to the ground, then everything went black.

Jackie had decided that her being taken prisoner by mad aliens was all the Doctor's fault. She didn't know exactly how, but she was convinced that it was his fault. And Mickey being coshed on the head, somehow that was the Doctor's fault too.

Bloody Mickey, fat lot of good he turned out to be, Jackie thought, trying not worry about him. Jackie had no idea what had happened to him, one minute she and Mickey had been at UNIT HQ, next thing she knew Mickey was gone and she was being frogmarched down an unrecognised grey corridor by two of the ever smiling aliens, they were still wearing their fast food uniforms. That was aliens for you, Jackie thought.

"Oh, my God!" Jackie exclaimed as she was frogmarched past a window, out of which she could see the Earth, as in the whole planet. Which had to mean she was in space. Jackie Tyler in space! Just wait until she told Rose.

"Oi! Hang on!" the aliens insistently marched Jackie past the window, paying no attention to her desire to play tourist. Jackie was hurled sideways into a small room. She nearly collided with Sarah Jane Smith and the door hissed shut behind her.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?" Jackie demanded.

"Well, it's just a guess but I'd say we've been taken prisoner by the aliens for some probably nefarious purpose."

Jackie turned and banged her fists on the door, demanding to be let out.

"That won't work," Sarah said. "I've already tried."

"You're very calm about this."

"Oh," Sarah muttered dismissively, "This happens to me a lot."

"Great." Jackie rolled her eyes, "I'm with a professional hostage who doesn't know why we're here or how to get the door open."

"Oh," said Sarah with a smirk. "I never said I couldn't open the door."

Mickey had this to say about being whacked over the back of the head: it was still less traumatic than being swallowed by a wheelie bin.

"What happened?" he groaned.

"The Sergeant was wondering when you were going to come round," Mickey's vision was filled with the grinning face of Private Jenkins.

"What happened to Jackie?"

"Ah, I'll just go and get the Sergeant."

"Where's Jackie?" Mickey asked again when Benton arrived.

"We believe Mrs Tyler was one of the prisoners taken by the aliens."

Oh, God. Mickey struggled to sit up. He'd let Jackie get kidnapped by aliens, Rose was going to go mental. Jackie was going to kill him.

"Hang on though," said Mickey. "Why would aliens kidnap Jackie?" it was a good question, were the aliens masochists?

"They attacked every UNIT base in the country simultaneously. We believe they were looking for the prime minister after failing to capture her in London."

"And they took Jackie instead?" Someone had mistaken Jackie Tyler for the prime minister? This could only happen to a man with a concussion.

"They took a number of people," Benton explained, "We don't think they're very good at telling one human from another."

"Course they're not," said Jenkins. "I mean look at their disguise: smiling fast food staff."

Rose had found a bikini in the TARDIS. She would have asked the Doctor what he was doing with a skimpy red bikini on board his ship, but she honestly wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer. He was an alien; God knows what he got up to when she was asleep.

Anyway she'd found this bikini and a pair of oversized eighties sunglasses and was reclining on a sun lounger on what the Doctor assured her was the only island on this entirely oceanic planet. A hundred yards out into the water the TARDIS bobbed up and down. Another fine example of the Doctor's driving.

Rose looked over at him, his sole concession to the heat had been to remove his boots and don a pair of sunglasses. So he was lying in his trousers, jumper and bulky leather coat, he was fiddling with the sonic screwdriver and something else that Rose couldn't quite make out.

"What are you doing?" Rose asked

The sonic screwdriver gave a brief buzz and the Doctor turned to her looking pleased, he held his hand out. Rose could just about make a tiny metallic chip nestled there. "What's that?"

"New mobile for you," the Doctor said.

"And how am I supposed to use it?"

"You just drop it right into your ear like — hang on, come here."

"Careful!"

"It's like the aural equivalent of putting in a contact lens, you've just got to-"

"Ow!"

"Stay still!

"Stop poking me!"

"Ah ha! That's it in."

Rose sat back and shook her head. "So how do I dial with this thing?"

"Now that's really clever, you apes are going to come up with some good stuff in the twenty third century, you just think about the person you want to call and it dials them."

"So if I think about my mum her phone will ring?" Rose was impressed, and at the same time horrified at that prospect.

"Oh," said the Doctor, always a sign of good things to come.

"What do you mean 'Oh?'"

"I didn't exactly remember to program Jackie's number into that thing."

"And exactly whose numbers did you remember to put into it?"

"The number for the TARDIS phone is in there."

Rose looked into the distance where the TARDIS was bobbing further away into the ocean. Thank God it could float, really.

"Maybe if I phone the TARDIS it'll float back over here?" Rose suggested.

"Nah, that's what this is for." The Doctor stood up and like a magician producing a really long handkerchief from his sleeve he produced a length of rope ending in a noose from his coat. Rose had long since given up being surprised at the things he kept in there.

"You're going to lasso the TARDIS? From here?"

"Oh, yes!" The Doctor planted his bare feet firmly in the sand, wiggled his hips and began swinging the lasso. Rose pushed her sunglasses up her nose and made herself comfortable, at least if she was going to be spending the foreseeable future trapped on this island the Doctor was going to provide some entertainment.

"No," said Benton, trying his hardest to stride purposefully away from Mickey.

"Why not?" said Mickey, trailing after him.

"The Brigadier won't like it."

"So don't tell her."

"You're a civilian, you could get hurt."

"So could Jackie, you've got to let me come."

Benton gave him a sympathetic look. "You're really worried about her, aren't you?"

"Yeah," said Mickey. "Plus if you lot go and rescue her and I stay here looking like an idiot she'll never let me live it down."

"You'll do exactly what I tell you and if there's any fighting you'll stay well back."

"I'd do that even if you didn't ask me to. So I can come on the rescue mission?"

"You've come this far I don't see why you shouldn't see it out."

"Result!" Mickey stopped and let Benton walk ahead. He pulled his mobile from his pocket, it was worth a try.

Jackie was watching Sarah attempt to pick the lock. The woman seemed to carry most of a safe breaking kit around with her and Jackie almost certainly did not want to know why. Her mobile gave a little bleep, surprised she pulled it out of her pocket. Surely there couldn't be a signal in orbit? That one time she'd gone to visit Mo in the Lake District there hadn't been a signal all weekend. But there were three bars of signal and a picture of a little envelope on the screen. The text was from Mickey.

WE'RE COMING TO RESCUE YOU.

Well colour Jackie not remotely reassured. "UNIT are apparently coming to rescue us."

"That's good," said Sarah, who was engrossed in her lock picking.

"Yeah," agreed Jackie, "Being rescued by soldiers who wear bright red hats that do nothing but show the other guys where to aim makes me feel much better."

Sarah's lock-picking paid off and their cell door hissed open. Sarah peered carefully up and down the corridor before stepping outside, with her head bent over her phone Jackie followed.

Mickey was admiring himself in the mirror, he'd been given some UNIT fatigues to wear. They'd refused to give him one of the red hats though, which was a shame, he liked those hats. He heard the customary beep of his mobile receiving. He bent to retrieve it from the pocket of his discarded jeans and opened the message.

DO U EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE??

Jackie had a point, Mickey ducked out of the room and almost bumped into Private Jenkins. "Sorry, mate, but do we actually know where Jackie and the others are?"

"Of course we do. We picked the space ship up on radar ages ago. They're setting up the passenger space shuttles in the grounds now." Mickey looked out the window, earlier he'd noticed two huge shapes covered in tarpaulin on the grass, now the tarp had been pulled back.

"We're going into space in those things?" Mickey asked, aghast.

"Yeah," said Jenkins, oblivious to Mickey's horror. "They were talking about using the new teleport system, but that's just a prototype and I can't say I'm wild about having every atom in my body scrambled."

"No," Mickey agreed that didn't sound like fun, but neither did flying to space in what looked like a giant lawnmower.

"Anyway, we'll be ready to leave in fifteen minutes."

"Uh huh," Jenkins strolled away while Mickey typed something furiously into his phone.

THEY'RE MAKING ME GO INTO SPACE IN SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A WASHING MACHINE WITH WINGS.

Jackie read the text from Mickey and turned her attention back to Sarah Jane. "What are you doing?"

"These are the transmat controls-"

"The what?"

"It's a teleport. If I can work out the controls I can get us back to Earth."

Sarah Jane was starting to remind Jackie a little bit of the Doctor, it was really starting to make her dislike the woman.

Mickey had never gotten travel sick in his life but it turned out that being in a homemade space shuttle heading for orbit was a bit different from getting carsick. He clutched his stomach and put his head between his knees. Sergeant Benton, who'd obviously done this more than once, casually handed him a sick bag. He held it to his face and wondered if Jackie really needed rescuing.

And then to add insult to injury he got a text from Jackie that simply read: SCAREDY CAT.

Secretly Jackie was quite glad that Sarah couldn't work the transmat, they'd probably have ended up turning themselves inside out.

"I'm quite glad you can't work that thing," she said.

Sarah looked as though she was about to say something in response when they heard the hiss of the door to the room start to open, Sarah touched Jackie's arm in what was obviously meant to be some kind of comforting gesture. "Don't do anything threatening," she instructed, "They'll probably just throw us back in our cell."

The door opened fully and revealed Sergeant Benton and some other UNIT soldiers. "Why am I not surprised to see you here, Miss Smith?"

"Sergeant Benton, you haven't aged a day."

"Thirty years on ice will do that for a person."

Jackie cleared her throat, "As much as I hate to interrupt this little reunion..."

"Mrs Tyler, Private Jenkins will take you back to the shuttle, Mr Smith is waiting there. Miss Smith, would you like to come with us to see the people formerly in charge of this ship.

Jenkins escorted Jackie to one of the shuttles where she found Mickey sweating and being sick in a paper bag. "You call this a rescue?"

"It's the thought that counts."

The Doctor lounged against the outside of the TARDIS, waiting for Rose to get back from her mothers flat. Rose had insisted they come back to the Powell Estate, she said she had a bad feeling that something was going on. He'd scoffed at her but now that they were here, there was something in the air. It was strange because he'd double checked the date before they'd left the TARDIS and this was meant to be a quiet month, no invasions worth speaking of. A chance for him to take Rose to some of his other favourite haunts without worrying that the earth was being devoured by a giant space dwelling lizard or anything.

"Doctor," Rose called out, jogging over to the TARDIS.

"Hello, find your mother?" the Doctor was actually surprised Jackie hadn't followed Rose down to tell him off about something.

"No, she wasn't at home," Rose frowned. "I went to Mickey's too, and I couldn't find him either."

"Not being able to find Mickey the idiot, now there's a tragedy."

Rose elbowed him in the ribs. "I'm serious. I haven't spoken to either of them since I lost my phone, what if something's happened?"

"Rose, it's your mother and Rickey, how much trouble could they have possibly gotten into?" the Doctor heard what he'd just said and realising the horrible possibilities he said, "You know what, I'm sure I've got some things in the lab that I could use to knock up a Jackie Tyler detector."

Mickey's humiliation about getting sick on the way up was lessened slightly when Jackie started to look slightly queasy on the way back down.

"So the aliens just left when you asked them to?" Mickey asked Jenkins, "That seems a bit easy."

"We were pointing guns at them."

"I can see how that'd help."

"God, I feel awful." Jackie complained, "I wish I'd got myself turned inside out by a teleport when I had the chance."

Mickey patted her on the shoulder and passed over a sick bag. "So that's it, nothing else happens?" he asked the soldiers.

"There's paperwork, if that's what you mean?" said Jenkins. "You can fill in my reports for me."

"I meant more like a party. I mean we just saved the world from an alien fast food company, we've got to have some sort of celebration. What do you say, Jackie, feel like a drink?"

"Oh, God..." moaned Jackie, diving for the sick bag.

The landlord of the pub on the Powell estate was somewhat surprised by the arrival of several dozen men wearing red berets, not least because this wasn't that kind of pub. But they were all drinking heavily so who cared.

"Friends of yours?" he asked Mickey Smith, who'd just ordered twelve pints of lager and a vodka and tonic.

"We're celebrating."

"What's the good cause?"

"We've just saved the world from cheeseburgers."

The landlord considered cutting Mickey off but a quick glance at his over flowing till changed his mind. He could see about getting the poor lad sectioned under the mental health act tomorrow.

"Is one of these mine?" Jenkins asked. Mickey handed him a pint, he wasn't entirely sure Jenkins was old enough to drink but the world was safe so what the hell.

"Hey, I got you a present," Jenkins produced one of the red UNIT berets and popped it on Mickey's head.

Mickey adjusted it to what he thought was a jaunty angle, "How does it look?"

"You look gay," said Jenkins, picking up his pint and wandering away. Mickey looked around for Jackie. She was sitting on Benton's lap and drinking directly out of a bottle of champagne.

Pleased that she was getting into the spirit of the occasion Mickey picked up his pint glass and started drinking.

The Doctor strode along the street staring keenly at the miniature screen on the homemade contraption he was holding. Rose had to hurry to keep up.

"So that thing can track down my mum?"

"Yup, the Jackie Tyler tracking device version 1.1, modified from the Rose Tyler tracking device version 1.2."

"Hang on, you've got one of those things that'll let you find me wherever I go?"

"Yeah, got to have one. You humans, always wandering off no matter how many times I tell you not to."

Rose was working up a good head of steam to tell the Doctor that he couldn't go around designing little gadgets to keep track of her when he stopped so suddenly that she walked into his back. He thumped his little machine, declared, "Down here!" and started running. Rose had barely run two steps when the Doctor stopped again, cocked his head to the side and said, "Can you here that?"

Rose strained her ears but could hear nothing, she was about to tell the Doctor as much when she did hear something. A noise that could charitably be compared to cats mating, and could even more charitably be compared to singing. It sounded almost like... and then it struck Rose exactly what it sounded like, it sounded exactly like Mickey coming home at four in the morning after the FA cup final.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIEND."

Rose and the Doctor looked on in fascination and horror as Jackie and Mickey lurched around the corner.

"AND WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING TILL THE END."

Jackie was using a half empty bottle of champagne to conduct them and Mickey was wearing a red beret at when might have been a jaunty angle had he been sober.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. NO TIME FOR-"

"Mum!" Rose managed to imbue her tone with the horror that only a nineteen year old seeing her mother drunkenly singing Queen songs while hanging all over her sort of boyfriend could manage.

"Rose!" Jackie exclaimed running forward, dragging Mickey with her because she needed to lean on him in order to not fall down.

"Ew, mum, you reek of booze, what's been going on?"

"There were these evil hamburgers, and Mickey saved me, sort of." Mickey swayed and looked drunkenly proud of himself. Jackie let go of Rose and rounded on the Doctor.

"And where the bloody hell have you been?" she tried to shove him in the chest but forgot she was still holding the bottle and succeeded only in sloshing champagne over him and falling into his arms.

The Doctor pulled her upright and glared at Rose who was pulling a giggling Mickey's arm round her shoulder. "Let's get you to bed," she was saying to him.

Mickey whooped in delight and Jackie reeled away from the Doctor. "Hey, I'm not letting him put me to bed, as if I haven't had enough aliens over the last couple of days."

The Doctor gave a put upon sigh and passed Jackie over to Rose, taking the brunt of Mickey's weight instead. Mickey stopped his rendition of the Queen back catalogue long enough to look up at the Doctor and say, "I'm not going to bed with you either."

The Doctor glared over at Rose. "I'm glad we left the tropical oceanic paradise of Avendis III in order to save these two from a couple of nasty hangovers."