Because I could not get over the fact that Ero-sennin is gone, and yes, I am still mourning, and Naruto chapter 405 was the breaking point of my grief.
Another risky piece because of the use of the second person point of view.
Disclaimer: Kumi does not own Naruto dattebayo!
Summary: The rain was mocking her. But what she felt for him was far from love or friendship, and this, she wished, he understood perfectly.
Tomfoolery
-shackled wisteria-
i. Mockery
The rain has always been fond of mocking you.
When Nawaki had died, when you heard he had died, that oh-so-mocking rain clung to your clothes like a leech, taunting, hissing, your little brother has died. But you were never able to do anything, not even the title of being one of the Legendary Sannin can save the life of a dear brother.
You cried and cried and cried, completely forgetting the shinobi protocol of not revealing your emotions. Because he is Nawaki and he is your brother and you love him so much - you have the right to cry in front of anyone.
When Dan had died, when he spent the remaining moments of his life under your care, that oh-so-mocking-mocking rain clung to your clothes again. And it wasn't just taunting or hissing your Dan, your lover has died over and over again, it was making the blood - the stench smell of blood - in your hands grow more gruesome. But then again, you were never able to do anything, not even those medical abilities that people praise you for having can save the life of a person loved so dearly.
You were in the middle of the war, and you cried and cried, teardrop after teardrop. Not only did you show your grief in front of the enemy, you showed them your fear. Because he is Dan and he is your lover and you love him so much - you have the right to show anyone you're afraid.
From that day onwards, you cried for both of them in front of anyone, in front of everyone - because he is Nawaki, your brother and he is Dan, your lover.
Oh how much you love them so.
--
'Are you gonna cry for me? Haha! I'm honoured! I don't suppose I'll get as many tears as Dan did though.'
--
ii. Hoax
Before he left Konoha, to pursue his dream of protecting the new generation that is, he insisted you to bet everything you have, on him dying.
"Put everything you've got on me dying," he said and you remembered it all too clearly.
Had you not known him some 40 years ago, you would have labelled him a suicidal maniac or perhaps a person too dramatic for his own good. But he is Jiraiya and he has always been aware of you being 'The Legendary Sucker' - you have never won in the field of gambling. But at that moment you wondered, if considering his life as a commodity for you to gamble on, was something to joke about at a time like this.
I won't, you wanted to say, because you don't have that 'everything' to offer and his life is something you never wanted to put at stake, you won't put at stake -
"In return, I will come back alive and well."
- and then your resolve wavered. Because although there was a sense of morbid inevitability tugging at your stomach, you were happy that he made such a statement, and somehow it made you wonder why you cling to it so much.
But he is Jiraiya and although you have seen him as an annoying lecher from day one, you trust him -
He laughed. "I'm kidding!"
- and then you suddenly felt the need to whack him hard on the head, break his ribs, disrupt his nervous system and other synonymous forms of manslaughter, all of which were specifically prepared for him. And him only.
You were willing to take such drastic measures to make sure he realized that this is no laughing matter but it was mostly because of your selfish, selfishmotive to make him stay.
If you come back here alive, you quietly, silently prompted, you don't have to put that cool exterior in front of me anymore.
But those words were left unsaid, because you are Tsunade and he is Jiraiya and words never really connected the two of you together. Because your relationship was more of aggressive behaviours, broken bones, insults and alcohol. It was the kind that thrived in exaggerated and deadly actions, the kind that called for your medical abilities in the event of severe injuries, and the kind that cringed at the sound of cheesy lines.
"See ya later!"
He was gone in a flash and you didn't say goodbye or take care or be safe, but that isn't because you were afraid to admit that h-he m-m-might die.
At a time like this, you have been wary of saying such tacky farewells because he is Jiraiya and you know how he likes to add malice to the words you say.
He might think you see him as your bestbestbest friend or as the brother you were once very proud of or as the lover you once loved so much.
He is Jiraiya and what you felt for him was more deeper than friendship or love or family.
And somehow, you'd like to think that he understood it perfectly.
--
'Dummy.'
--
iii. Mischief
Jiraiya is neither Nawaki, your brother nor Dan, your lover, and for that reason you cannot cry. You refuse to cry. Because he is Jiraiya and you never liked the idea of him mischievously grinning upon knowing that you, Tsunade, the one who had turned him down for numerous times, was crying for him.
"If that Pervy Sage had been made the fifth Hokage, then Tsunade wouldn't have forced him to do this, I know it."
Naruto's words stung but you steeled yourself because that boy Naruto, was the child that Jiraiya never had, and Jiraiya was the paternal figure that Naruto never had. You understood his anger, his grief, his pain because you've been there too. You've lost too many loved ones in that lifetime of yours and you felt anger and grief and pain when they all left you - you have cried in front of everyone when they died.
But yourself, at this moment, you don't understand, you cannot understand.
It is normal for a human to cry when someone passes away but -
"Why?" You dejectedly asked yourself as you exited the Hokage office, away from Sakura's worried stares and Shikamaru's questioning face.
There were no tears running down your cheeks, but there was an evident croak in your voice and trembling in your limbs.
You did not want to cry, but it was tempting wasn't it? Ahhh. But then you remember that malicious smile that might welcome you once those tears start falling.
He isn't your bestbestbest friend or the brother you were once very proud of or the lover you once loved so much - you will never cry for that perverted sage, that annoying lecher in front of everyone. Because you don't really love him as a friend or as a lover or as a brother.
But -
"Dummy," you said as you leaned yourself against the wall.
- no one was looking.
The next thing you knew, you were crying. You kept your teeth clenched together though, lest you might be heard, for fear that you might be seen.
Because letting someone know that you cried for that idiot would be humiliating. It was like saying that you lovelovelove him as a brother, as a friend, as a lover. And you do not lovelovelove him like that.
Because he is Jiraiya and what you felt for him was far more deeper than friendship or love or family.
It was -
And you think that if people heard of this truth, they would think that you're joking, because he is Jiraiya and you are Tsunade.
- eternity.
And you wished that somehow somewhere he understood you perfectly.
--
'Nice to meet you. I'm Jiraiya! You can send me a love letter later!'
--
FIN.
Finished in approximately an hour and a half and hardly revised. Unconventional? Convoluted? Was it because of the second person point of view? OOC? Should I rewrite this?
Please review! :DDDD
Thanks muchies!