101 More Things I Must Not Do In Erik's Lair

201. I will never set Erik up on a date with anyone except Christine. This includes Meg, Carlotta, and myself.

202. I must never write angsty Raoul/Erik slash and read it aloud to Erik. He will personally flay me alive before I ever get through the first sentence.

203. I must never pee in the underground lake.

204. I must never give him pamphlets on eating disorders, no matter how few times a week he eats.

205. I must never attempt to force feed Erik, no matter how much his eating habits disturb me.

206. Wearing Erik's cape will not enable me to fly. I therefore must not 'borrow' his cape and jump from a balcony in the auditorium whilst yelling "I'm Dramatic Black Cape Man!"

207. I must never refer to Erik as Batman. Humming the Batman theme only makes it worse.

208. I am never to mention Christine again.

209. I am not allowed to sit in Box Five unless Erik invites me.

210. I may not dress in a cheap Opera Ghost costume, jump out of Box Five, and land on stage laughing evilly while Christine is performing. Not only will Erik be very annoyed, Christine won't be too fond of me, either.

211. I must never, ever mention Raoul. Ever.

212. I must not beg Erik for singing lessons.

213. I must not keep bothering him about giving me singing lessons after he has already said no.

214. If he finally caves and gives me lessons, I must not purposefully sing wrong notes in order to piss him off.

215. I am not allowed to sing the Ghost Busters Theme during my singing lessons.

216. I am not allowed to sing any Pop music during my singing lessons.

217. I am not allowed to sing show tunes during my singing lessons.

218. I may not sing The Song That Never Ends for my warm-ups.

219. I may not sing the Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves for my warm-ups.

220. I am not a Jellicle Cat, and I therefore have no excuse for walking all over Erik's furniture.

221. I have no reason to make cat sounds instead of using proper speech around Erik.

222. I may not ask Erik if he knows the muffin man.

223. I may not ask Erik if he is the muffin man.

224. I must not beg Erik for ice cream. He does not have any.

225. If I still play Pokémon, I must resist the urge to name one of them after Erik, one after Christine, and one after Raoul… even if I really want to.

226. I must not write Erik notes signed "Your obedient servant, (my initials)".

227. I must not call Erik GhostMan.

228. I must not call Erik the Invisible Man.

229. I must not ask Erik how he does "That trick" more than once.

230. No matter how easy it will make entry into the Lair, I must never cut a hole in Erik's ceiling.

231. Erik is not the Jolly Green Giant, and I may not call him such.

232. I must never, ever refer to Erik as my pet corpse. This will get him angrier than a colony of hornets, and… Actually, you know what? I think I prefer the colony of hornets…

233. I must never keep pestering Erik to "learn to play the violin." Chances are he already knows how.

234. I must never sing 'When You're Evil' in or around the Lair.

235. I must not attempt to get Erik to dance with me for any reason. He simply will not do it.

236. I must not force Erik to do my homework for me.

237. I must never, no matter how much of a fangirl I am, wear cat ears, sit by Erik, and ask him to 'pet the kitty'.

238. I must never, ever use the word 'organ' in a provocative way around Erik.

239. Contrary to popular belief, Erik does not find random, hyper outbursts funny. Rather, he finds them very annoying.

240. I must not force Erik to recite Shakespeare, however funny that would be.

241. I must refrain from calling Erik Michael Jackson.

242. I must refrain from playing any Michael Jackson music in or around the Lair.

243. I will stop asking Erik if Billie Jean is his lover and if the kid is his son.

244. I may never make any references to anything by Douglas Adams. Ever.

245. No matter how tempting it is, I must never dye Erik's wigs strange or unusual colors or replace them with curly clown wigs. I will die very slowly and painfully if I do.

246. I must never attempt to get Erik to do the Thriller dance. He simply will not do it.

247. I must never do the Thriller dance in Erik's lair.

248. I must never teach Christine and the ballet rats the Thriller dance and then have them all go down to Erik's lair to perform it for him. All save for Christine will not return. This includes me.

249. Erik does not want to watch Shaun of the Dead with me. I therefore will not force him to watch it.

250. I will stop calling Erik a Lon Cheney Wannabe.

251. I must never, under any circumstances, call Erik a Drama King, Ham, or overly dramatic.

252. I must not tell Erik that his glowing eyes and black outfit make him look like Shadow Sora.

253. I must not force Erik to play Guitar Hero with me… more than once.

254. I must never, ever tell Erik that his music is "just too classical for me."

255. I must never, ever, ever diss opera in front of Erik.

256. If I want to live, I must not attempt to trap Erik and myself in a room for any period of time.

257. I must not ask Erik if I can borrow his Punjab Lasso, and when he asks why, say that I need it to put my little siblings in their place.

258. I must never bring any kids I happen to be babysitting into the Lair.

259. I must not play air guitar whilst Erik is composing and improvise a solo with my voice.

260. I must not play air organ whilst Erik is composing and improvise a solo with my voice.

261. I must not go up to Erik while he is composing and ask, "So, is this the part where the guitar comes in?"

262. I must never, ever, ever, ever, ever purposefully put Erik's organ out of tune. If I do, there will be nowhere that I can hide that will keep me safe from him.

263. I may not play Erik's organ unless I am taking lessons from him or he gives me permission to play it.

264. If Erik does give me permission to play his organ, I must not play any show tunes, pop music, or rock music on it.

265. I must not play the Mario Theme on Erik's organ.

266. I must not sing Rock Lobster around Erik at any time.

267. No matter how tempting, I must not wait until Christine enters the Lair and sing Ugly Girl. Erik will kill me, and by kill, I mean that he will slowly skin me alive.

268. I must not interrupt Erik when he is chewing me out for doing any of the above things.

269. I must not ask Erik how his eyes do "that cool, spooky, evil glowy thingie."

270. If Erik gets angry, and especially if he gets angry with me, I must keep my hand at the level of my eyes until he calms down.

271. I must not run up to him and yell "The grasshopper jumps jolly high!" and then run off laughing hysterically. That line was really only funny in the book.

272. Erik does not find spoons particularly funny. Therefore, I must not attempt to make him laugh by saying the word 'spoon' in a weird way.

273. I must not ask Erik if he can do "that thing that Trekkies do with their hands."

274. I must not attempt to get Erik to play any of the Myst games, or any other puzzle-adventure games, for that matter.

275. I must not put safety pins on every available surface in the Lair, and then, when Erik confronts me on them, say that I was only making it so that he didn't have to steal the managers' safety pins anymore. He will not appreciate the joke.

276. I must never, ever put a 'kick me' sign on Erik's back, no matter how funny I think it would be.

277. I must not purposefully use bad grammar around Erik. He will show me just how deadly a dangling participle can be.

278. I must not ever bring a voice-warping toy into the Lair and use it to annoy Erik. It will work a little too well…

279. I must never tie the Punjab Lasso into the shape of a tie.

280. I must never play Cat's Cradle with the Punjab Lasso.

281. I must not force Erik to watch reruns of Star Trek episodes with me.

282. I must not force Erik to watch any of my favorite TV shows with me.

283. I must not go up to Erik and yell, "I'm a-firin' mah LAZAR! GRAAAAAGGGGHHH!!"

284. I must not post signs on the mirrors in the torture chamber that read, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." This destroys the illusion, as Erik will demonstrate by forcing me to take them all down and keeping me locked in there until I learn my lesson.

285. No matter how funny I think it would be, I must never give Erik anything in a dribble glass.

286. I must never steal Erik's gloves and then run around smacking people in the face with them.

287. I must not sing Rock The Boat whilst Erik is paddling the gondola.

288. I must not sing O Sole Mio whilst Erik is paddling the gondola.

289. I am no longer allowed to stand at the edge of the underground lake and yell "Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Echo!"

290. I must never bring a blow-up mallet into the Lair and run around hitting Ayesha with it.

291. I must never hit Erik with said blow-up mallet.

292. Erik does not want a roller coaster installed in his underground lair. I therefore will stop begging him to get one, no matter how incredibly awesome that would be.

293. I must not put on a mermaid costume, swim around in the underground lake and tell Erik that I am the siren that lives there. He will not be amused.

294. I must never play ball in the Lair. If I break something, I'm dead.

295. Erik does not want to play dodge ball. I will therefore stop pelting him with rubber balls.

296. No matter how cool it would be, I must not install a killer sound system in Erik's lair. If I do, he will proceed to show me just how killer it is.

297. I must never quote the movie Scarface whilst in Erik's lair.

298. I must never quote Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or any other George Lucas-slash-Steven Spielberg film whilst in Erik's lair.

299. I must never hum the theme from Star Wars, the theme from Indiana Jones, or the theme from ET in Erik's lair.

300. I must not eat any of Erik's mint-flavored items, especially if they are not meant to be edible.

301. I am no longer allowed to be in Erik's lair, period.