To Date Her

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly

A/N: I saw these interview pieces posted on my grandfather's refrigerator: "Application to date my daughter." And "Ten rules for dating my daughter." I was so inspired that I had to write this, it'll be hilarious, so read it! I don't own it, so remember that, but I also don't know who wrote it.

-APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER-

"Hey, good luck with talking to my mom," Freddie said with a smile as he and Sam hugged.

"Don't worry; I think Mrs. Benson will accept me!" Sam said quickly. With that, Freddie and Sam parted, Sam walked to Freddie's door and knocked. She waited for Mrs. Benson to open the door and let her in.

"Hello Samantha, how are you today?" Mrs. Benson asked with a smile.

"I'm good, thank you." Sam walked over to a chair and sat down as Mrs. Benson sat in another chair.

"So you want to date my son, Freddie?" Sam nodded her head and Mrs. Benson smiled. "You have feelings for him then, do you not?"

"Mrs. Benson, I may call Freddie a dork several times but I do have feelings for him. He's a great person. Freddie is sweet, calm, patient, caring, understanding and several other things that I look for in a man…I trust him and I would never do anything to hurt him." Mrs. Benson smiled as she sipped some coffee from her mug.

"So have you fallen for him?"

"I know that love isn't something to mess with, love takes time Mrs. Benson. I know that there are many things that we've done that have made our feelings for one another start, and if you want me to answer truthfully, I will. I have strong feelings for him, but I have yet to fall in love with him. I'm sure that some day in the future I may fall in love with him, but that will happen in time." Mrs. Benson nodded her head, she agreed that love was not something that could be felt at first glance, you need time to be with each other before you can truly fall in love.

"It doesn't take much to fall in love though; sometimes it only takes a kiss."

"Right, but right now we will be going on our first date, I don't want to do anything to Freddie that shouldn't happen yet. I believe that things should go at it's own pace and when both people are ready for something to happen."

"That's a good response. Sam, I know you and I trust you with my son. I will definitely allow you to go on a date with him."

"Thank you, Mrs. Benson." Sam smiled and Mrs. Benson stood up slowly.

"Would you like to bake some brownies?" Sam nodded and followed Mrs. Benson into the kitchen.

-NEW SCENE-

Freddie walked to the Puckett household and knocked on the door, he waited patiently for a couple of minutes until a slit on the door opened and two eyes stared at him. "Are you Freddie Benson?"

"Yes sir, I take it you're Mr. Puckett?" Freddie asked with a smile.

"Yes, you may call me Dale Puckett. Please, come inside." Dale opened the door and Freddie walked in. Freddie raised his eyebrow when he spotted a shotgun on the couch with a rag on it. Freddie sat down in a chair and Dale sat down where the shotgun was and began polishing it. "Mrs. Puckett is asleep upstairs at the moment."

"Oh…okay then." Freddie was already slightly nervous; a shotgun was a bit of overkill. "So…the shotgun…"

"I will be doing the talking here, Mr. Benson."

"Yes sir."

"I didn't ask for you to say anything just now, did I?"

"No-"

"Don't speak unless I ask you to speak, can you do this?" Freddie blinked and kept his gaze on Dale. "I said, can you do this?"

"Yes."

"I didn't ask you to speak." Freddie gulped and nodded his head. "That's better." Freddie saw Dale take a few papers off of the table.

"I can't ask what those are, can I?"

"No you may not speak. I ran these out, for whatever you say here will be incomplete and rejected without the complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical history from you doctor."

"You got all that?"

"Yes I did." Freddie paled slightly but knew there was nothing that was too bad. "What is your name, son?"

"Freddie Benson."

"What is your date of birth, height, weight, IQ, GPA, Social Security number, Drivers License, Boy Scout Rank and Badges, Home Address, City and State as well as your Zip Code?" Freddie paled and counted that information on his fingertips.

"I was born sixteen years ago in February. My height currently would be nearly six foot, my weight is about 150, my IQ is 120, and my GPA is 3.50. My social security number is…Drivers License is…I wasn't ever in the Boy scouts. My home address is 134 Terrace Avenue in Seattle. It's just a couple of blocks from here." Dale nodded and wrote this information in. "Can I ask one thing?"

"No. I will be asking the questions." Freddie had a finger in the air, he glanced to the side and lowered his hand. "Do you have parents, yes or no?"

"I have parents."

"Is one male and the other female, yes or no?"

"No."

"If no, please explain."

"My father is deceased, I live with my mother." Dale raised his eyebrow and shrugged.

"How long had they been married, if less than your age, please explain."

"As I said, my father's dead. They were married for about seven years, and I was six years old at the time of my father's death."

"Okay. Now you will be entirely honest with me, will you not?"

"I will."

"Here, fill this short form out." Dale handed Freddie a sheet of paper. "When finished, hand it to me." Freddie nodded and took the form, he looked at it and up at Dale. "I'm not moving until you finish writing." Freddie sighed and took a pen.

A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes XNo

B. A truck with oversized tires? Yes XNo

C. A waterbed? Yes XNo

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? Yes XNo

E. A tattoo? Yes XNo

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, Yes XNo

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

Freddie looked at the last statement and gulped, he glanced at his arm and thanked God that the tattoo was a fake tattoo. Freddie silently handed the paper to Dale and watched as Dale's eyes moved across the paper, his eyes stopped and he glanced to Freddie to check if Freddie was sweating. "Pull your sleeve up," Dale stated.

"Yes s-"

"Don't talk, just do it." Freddie nodded and pulled up his sleeve, the tattoo of Sam was off. "So that tattoo was fake, good."

"Yes, it was a bet that Sam made with me and I lost, she made me put on the tattoo." Dale cocked his gun and Freddie's eyes grew wide.

"No she didn't."

"But…"

"My daughter didn't make you put the tattoo on, right?"

"That's right, she didn't…" Dale smiled and nodded.

"That's right, she's a perfect little angel, capable of doing no wrong."

"Yes sir, that's true." Dale smiled and nodded as he placed the gun back on safety and put it in his lap.

"Now, in fifty words or less, what does the word 'LATE' mean to you?" Freddie saw Mr. Puckett open a backpack from the floor and pull out a laptop. "Remember this, I can type 110 words per minute, so don't try to talk fast." Freddie gulped slightly as Dale placed his hands on the keyboard.

"The word late means that if I bring Sam back any later than the allotted time, I'm dead meat…"

"Nineteen words, nice job Mr. Benson!" Freddie sighed but knew he wasn't in the clear just yet. "Now, in fifty words or less what do the words 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?"

"If I so much as lay a finger on Sam in any inappropriate manner…you're going to kill me."

"Good answer! Hmm, nineteen words again." Freddie sighed once more and Dale continued. "In fifty words or less, what does the word 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?"

"I will have no sexual relations with your daughter, if I do, you will shoot me with that gun."

"Again nineteen words, not bad…Good answer as well, Mr. Benson!" Dale sat the laptop on the couch next to him and lifted a sheet of paper off the desk and pulled out a pen. "Now for the references, what is the church you attend?"

"I attend Grace Church."

"How often do you attend?"

"Two to three times a week..."

"When will be the best time to interview your mother, your priest and since your father is no longer among the living, I'll accept your grandfather or another close relative."

"You want to interview them?"

"Just answer my question." Freddie sighed and crossed his arms over.

"Okay, you can interview my pastor on Sunday after the service, he always is open to talk, actually any time for him. You can interview my mom at any time and you can interview my grandfather before the hours of six o'clock, he goes to bed then."

"Thank you."

"Is that all?"

"I will be asking the questions!" Freddie jumped slightly and nodded his head. "Now these next questions will have the answers made entirely confidential. So let me ask you, if you were shot the last place you would want to be shot is?" Freddie's eye twitched slightly, he knew where he wouldn't be shot but wasn't sure if that was going to help him in any way.

"Wouldn't you just shoot-"

"Answer the question, Mr. Benson! I will do the talking and I will do the asking." Freddie nodded and sighed.

"I guess the last place I'd want to be shot is the…arm." Dale raised his eyebrow and looked at Freddie.

"Would you be willing to submit to a lie detector test?"

"Uh...maybe…"

"Yes or no, Freddie, that's all I need."

"Yes."

"Okay…If you were beaten, the last place you'd want to be beaten would be?"

"My arm…"

"A woman's place is where? And for the love of God, don't say your arm."

"A woman's place is wherever she wants to be, as long as it is out of danger and a safe place."

"Hmm…not a bad answer…"

"Were you by any chance in the military?"

"I will ask the damn questions!"

"Yes sir."

"You don't talk unless I tell you to speak!"

"Yes-"

"Ah!" Freddie nodded his head and sweat dripped down the side of his face.

"This guy is nuts."

"The one thing you hope I don't ask you is what?"

"What? Uh…let's see…perhaps about why my mom is so protective of me and is insane." Freddie watched as Dale wrote down the information, he knew he was going to ask that.

"The one thing you want to be IF you grow up is what?"

"If I grow…" Freddie glanced at the shotgun and shook slightly. "I want to be a good family man with a job that I can use that will help put things on the table and allow me to provide for my family."

"Okay, now why is your mother so protective of you and insane?" Freddie sighed in response.

"I'm really not sure, I think it has something to do with my father's death, she never told me much about his death."

"When you meet a girl, the first thing you notice is what?"

"Her eyes, that is the first thing I notice." Freddie's answer was good, he didn't need to say anything other than that because that was true. He loved Sam's eyes, she had the most beautiful eyes ever.

"What is the current going rate of a hotel room?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"

"Okay, now do you promise that all of the information you've given me is true and correct to the best of your knowledge under penalty of Death, Dismemberment, Torture, Crucifixion, Electrocution, Chinese Water Torture, Red Hot Pokers, and the kiss torture of an extremely old woman?" Freddie paled and nodded his head. "Okay, now for the lie detector test, follow me to the basement please." Dale picked up his shotgun and Freddie did as he was told, it was ten minutes before they returned to the seat. "Good, you passed!"

"So scary…"

"You should be contacted in one to two weeks in writing if you are improved. Please, do not try to call or write, since you probably can't and it would cause you injury." Freddie nodded and Dale continued. "If your request is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases…you might watch your back."

"I understand sir."

"Ah! Did I say for you to speak?"

"No s-"

"Did I say for you to speak?" Freddie got the idea and shook his head. "Good answer. Now it's your turn to write, I hope you right fast and you are not permitted to use a laptop." Freddie paled as Dale handed him a notebook and a pen, luckily for him, he was a fast writer. "Now until you are notified, it will be good to remember my ten rules for dating my beautiful and precious angel."

"Okay, here goes nothing…"

"Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up."

"Yes sir."

"That didn't prompt a response." Freddie nodded and Dale continued. "Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them." Freddie gulped, knowing that by 'remove them,' Dale meant in a permanent way that would be very bad for him.

"Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist."

"But…I don't wear loose-"

"When did I give you permission to talk?"

"You-"

"That prompted no response."

"Sorry sir."

"I will continue, Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you."

"I wouldn't try to have sex with her though…"

"What? My daughter isn't worthy of this?"

"It's not that, I mean-"

"So you would try to sleep with her?"

"No, I never-"

"So you'd never sleep with her no matter what? So she's not worthy enough for this?" Freddie started to say something but paused, he then sighed.

"I'm going to shut up now."

"Good idea Mr. Benson. Allow me to continue. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'"

"I understand, no talking of sports, though I do like fencing."

"Would you like to go against me in fencing?"

"No thank you, I might lose something very important!"

"Good response. Now, you'll have my daughter safely back at the house, when?"

"Early."

"Good response. Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry."

"I think that's more for Jonah…"

"It counts for you too. Hurt my precious angel in any way and I will make sure you cry…hard."

"I understand sir."

"Good, now quit talking unless I prompt you!"

"Ye-" Freddie stopped himself and nodded his head. Dale smiled and continued. That was a just statement anyway, but he was over Carly and stopped even crushing on her long ago.

"Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?"

"I don't know how to change the oil in a car…"

"You will learn to change the oil!"

"Yes sir!"

"Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better."

"Doesn't that eliminate everything though?"

"I said elderly homes are fine, did I not?"

"You did sir."

"Good, because look at it this way, there's you, my daughter and whatever old person happens to be in that room that has the bed." Freddie paled and Dale continued "Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me."

"Yes sir, I understand perfectly and I will not-"

"I did not give you permission to speak."

"I'm sorr-"

"Do not speak." Freddie nodded and Dale continued. "Finally, Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

"What's the password though?"

"You need not know."

"But you just said…"

"You need not know, I am sure you'll figure it out." Freddie paled once more and nodded his head. "I am glad you see things my way, Mr. Benson." Freddie sat in his seat as Dale stared intensely at him, Dale then smiled and Freddie raised his eyebrow. "Okay Amy, come on out!"

"Are you sure you weren't to hard on the boy?" Amy asked as she stepped out of the kitchen, a video camera was in her hand. Freddie's eyebrow raised and Dale chuckled.

"Congratulations Freddie, I was going to let you date my daughter from the start."

"You were…"

"Well I was, but some of your responses…" Amy rolled her eyes and Freddie paled, Dale chuckled and patted Freddie's back. "It was all a joke, we would show you Jonah's reaction but he made it to the front door, saw the shotgun, wet his pants and ran off in fear."

"But we still let him date Sam," Amy said as she placed the camera on the coffee table.

"Just remember this Freddie, if you do anything to hurt Sam, I will hunt you down and I will dismember you." Freddie paled as Dale held his serious face. "You've noticed Jonah doesn't go to your school anymore, right?"

"Y-Yeah," Freddie's voice was slightly fearful.

"I shipped him to Antarctica for what he did to Sam and I can ship you somewhere else. Have you ever seen the moon, Mr. Benson? It looks beautiful from earth, but being on the moon is a beautiful place, it is very beautiful there. I won't send you there, Freddie, it's too beautiful. So remember this, hurt my daughter in any way, get my daughter pregnant in anyway, and you will become very closely acquainted to the sun." Freddie paled and Amy smirked as she rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Okay Dale, that's enough, can't you see that you're scaring the poor boy?" Amy asked as she placed her hand on Dale's shoulder.

"Aw, but I'm just having a bit of fun with him."

"Sam is so lucky that I love her," Freddie thought as he sighed. His hands were still shaking with fear, he prayed that Dale would not pick up that gun and make any motion of pointing it toward him.

"Okay Freddie, you can date my daughter whenever you like. Just remember to have her back when I want her back, do nothing to hurt her in any way, and treat her like the angel that you and I both know she is. Can you do this for me?"

"Yes sir, I can."

"You don't have to say that, it makes me sound like a drill sergeant."

"Okay, I won't do that then."

"Good, now let's discuss the date. I trust you to take her to a nice place, no dump." Freddie nodded and the two began talking about the date.

-NEW SCENE-

The next day, Freddie was sitting in Carly's sofa, waiting on both the girls to show up. He was the first to arrive, they would be shooting iCarly soon. Freddie had not seen Sam at all after the interview with Dale, he had grown too tired and went home where he fell asleep. Carly and Sam then walked in the door with wide grins on their faces. "So how was your interview with Dad?" Sam asked with a smirk.

"It was…interesting," Freddie said quietly. He placed his hands behind his head and leaned back, Sam chuckled as she sat on the couch next to Freddie.

"I think it went rather well."

"Huh?"

"When I got home, Mom and Dad showed me the video of your performance."

"You did better than Jake did with Spencer," Carly said with narrow eyes. "Jake nearly wet his pants at some points of time."

"Yeah, but my man didn't wet his pants," Sam said as she chuckled. "Freddie, you may be the world's greatest dork, but when facing my strange father, you are really great."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Freddie said with a sigh. "They showed you the video?"

"Yes, I said that already." Freddie paled slightly and Sam smiled softly. "Like I said, you did great. My dad likes to do that to those that I'm going to date, you're the first that actually made it all the way to the end, Dad admires that in a guy and I think highly of it also." Freddie chuckled and Sam hugged him.

"I'm glad you think I did well, I honestly did not suspect Mr. Puckett to do that."

"Yeah…well I had a fun time with Mrs. Benson." Freddie raised his eyebrow and Sam smirked. "We made brownies."

"So, she accepted you?"

"Yes, she's very accepting of me apparently."

"You mean you had it so easy and I was scared that I was going to wind up being shot." Sam chuckled and kissed Freddie's cheek. Freddie grinned and hugged Sam close. "I suppose it doesn't matter, but I think I could be great friends with Mr. Puckett if I tried."

"You better, if you want to date me."

"Is that another rule of his?"

"Well yeah, but it's more my rule too, I want you to be friends with dad."

"Then I will." Freddie kissed Sam's lips and she added pressure to the kiss, when they separated, Sam gazed into Freddie's deep eyes as if in a trance.

"You think my dad allows that?"

"Personally, I don't care if he allows me to kiss you or not, I'm not that scared of him."

"Oh you're not?"

"No, we had a good talk afterwards, Mr. Puckett is a very nice guy once you get to know him."

"I'm glad you think so, dork." Sam cuddled next to Freddie and placed her hand on his chest while leaning her head on his shoulder. "I think I may wind up falling in love with you, Tech Geek."

"I am falling in love with you, Sam." Sam smiled softly as Freddie kissed her forehead. Carly smiled and walked upstairs, she would leave them alone until iCarly started.

Hope you liked it, I tried to get it in last night but the dumb site was messed up.