Reason Six: Your yami will always come up with a better plan than you, so when you do have a plan, you probably shouldn't mention it in front of him.

Bakura was feeling pretty confident about his ability to get in jail, given that he was always having the Pharaoh's guards chase after him while he was in Egypt. And, after all, he had watched all the modern shows, played Grand Theft Auto, and there was the fact that just killing somebody in front of a policeman would alert his attention. As he and his two companions trolled downtown, looking for a pack of policemen, however, he was becoming discouraged. It appeared that cops didn't hang out with each other in the middle of a street as much as video games and TV tended to make it seem.

"Where the fuck are all the pigs?" Marik finally asked, looking irritated. He had wanted to get home before Malik and tear through the house to find all the traps and set his own for the weasel, but instead had been dragged to do this and so help him Ra, if there weren't even any cops around to arrest Bakura, there was going to be hell to pay.

"Well, we haven't been to any coffee or donut shops," Yami said, "so maybe that's the problem."

"No!" Bakura snapped. "My sources have said that they stand at random places in the streets and dammit, they should be standing in random groups!"

Neither Marik or Yami knew what Bakura's sources were, so they did not argue that point, although Marik immediately began to think of Assassin's Creed, where the guards would congregate or walk around Florence in groups. He frowned, wondering why modern cops were so boring and actually worked. It's not like they weren't corrupt or anything. In addition, they had been walking around stealing wallets from people in broad daylight and now they had far too many debit and credit cards, not enough cash, and too many IDs. Eventually, Marik had just dumped his in a trash can while Bakura continued to rummage around in his wallets, clearly not caring who saw him (as part of his plan was to get caught doing something illegal).

"Exactly how do you plan on getting out of jail, anyway, Bakura?" Yami demanded to know, frowning as Bakura swore and tossed a wallet behind him, finding nothing useful.

"I told you, I'm going to break out," Bakura said irritably. "I'm a famous thief lord, how else would I get out, you stupid pharaoh?"

"You know you can't just pick locks, right?" Marik asked conversationally. Bakura paused in his steps and frowned at him with a disbelieving look.

"What else would they use on their cells?"

"Are you stupid or something? It's the 21st century, Bakura! They use something called electronics...do you know what that is? It's the same thing they use for TVs, cell phones, that kind of thing? Or are you too fucking retarded to remember that much?"

Bakura continued to stare at him for a moment, frowning. He seemed to recall something like in one of his TV shows he watched, but he always figured he could just kill all the guards. But then he recalled they had guns, so that might not be the best of ideas, either and, after all, he was one man and he didn't have his Sennen Ring anymore. It really did suck not having a Sennen Item to aid you. "Whatever," he finally dismissed, waving a hand, "I'll figure it out later."

The three continued through downtown and the yamis were growing more and more irritated when they continued to steal from people, harass them, and still no cop was found anywhere. At last, Bakura decided to be upfront about it and went to the police station. He would have preferred to go out in style by doing something extreme in the middle of the crowded public, but supposed that in order for things to go as he wished, he would simply have to provoke them. Marik and Yami remained outside and peered through the window to see what he was about to do. After all, neither of them had seen this in the movies.

Bakura considered the office for a moment and then the rather large man at the counter. "Fill out the papers for complaints there," the man said without looking up, pointing to a box. Bakura glanced at it and then grabbed it and tossed it over the counter at the man. The fat man merely sighed and gave him an irritated look. "Sir, I understand you're frustrated – "

"Send me your most powerful guard! I will take him!" he announced, cutting off the man. After a pause, he realized that the line sounded rather familiar. Shrugging it off, he pointed a finger at him, saying, "I will take any of you."

"Sir, please calm down."

"I demand it, slave!"

"Sir – "

"You dare to disobey me?"

Outside, Marik was curled up on the ground, laughing his ass off. Yami, on the other hand, was infuriated because it was clear that Bakura was trying to be the alpha male and he was the alpha male, not him. So, unable to control his temper, he charged into the police station, startling Bakura, who whipped around.

"I AM THE PHARAOH AND YOU SHALL OBEY ME!" Yami roared, putting his hands on his hips and staring at the man in an authoritative manner.

There was a long pause where Bakura was glaring at him, sure that Yami was trying to ruin his plan and get in jail instead so that Anzu would bail him out and the man behind the counter simply stared at them, now becoming somewhat perturbed by these events. He had one guy calling him a guard and another man claiming to be pharaoh.

"Get out of here, you stupid pharaoh!" Bakura snarled, momentarily forgetting the man. "I know what you're trying to do and this is MY plan, not yours!"

"I refuse to let myself be trumped by you!" Yami returned angrily and then raised himself as high as he could, saying in a loud, dignified voice, "I am the greatest king in history, having saved Egypt, and I AM BETTER THAN YOU!"

"Fuck you, Yami, and get out of here! You're ruining everything! I've wasted my entire afternoon for this and I WILL get arrested, regardless of whether you interfere or not! I will have my answer of whether Mazaki wants me or not!"

"She is my woman, fiend!" Yami returned and took a step, glowering up at Bakura. "And I will win!" Clearly Yami had forgotten that Bakura's entire plan was pure idiocy and that he had merely tagged along to see him get thrown into jail (and not get bailed out). His brain was overthrown by his ego, which refused to allow Bakura to show himself as the greater male. Such as it was, the man behind the desk had become to call someone – which neither of the Egyptians noticed – and Marik could barely breathe outside because of the hilarity of the situation. He did not seem to care that his companions were acting like complete morons.

"For Ra's sake, man!" Bakura grabbed Yami by the collar of his school shirt and shook him. "You said you would let me do this, what kind of fucking king are you, going back on your word?"

"THE BEST KING IN HISTORY!" Yami replied loudly, clearing trying to get a point across the entire station.

The sudden sound of sirens made both pause and glance at the man, who simply raised his hands in defense, appearing more than a bit frightened. Bakura's face lit up and he released Yami, putting his hands on his hips with a triumphant look. "Finally! I can finally be arrested!" Marik was no longer by the window, having rolled out of their way and was watching it safely from behind a wall. Yami, unfortunately, was not so lucky. When the men charged in, both seemed aware that A) these were not police uniforms the men were wearing and B) they were carrying some rather strange instruments. Bakura's face fell and he became furious. "What is this? You call doctors instead of police? I DEMAND TO BE TAKEN BY THE PIGS!" Bakura lunged at the counter and the large man squealed and in his attempt to run, toppled over. There was the sound of two pop!s and both Yami and Bakura fell over.

"Ouch," Marik remarked as he watched the two be escorted into the van, tightly bound with white jackets. "Those tranquilizer needles must've hurt. Ah, well, this works just as well for Bakura." Satisfied that everything that had gone (more or less) as the tomb robber had wanted, Marik dismissed himself and went home to deal with his own insane housemates.

X

Bakura was fairly certain that his plan had not gone quite as he wanted. He and Yami were placed in a cell with one other man, who had remained on his bed, shaking, for the duration that he had been awake. He was still in the white jacket and after rolling off of his bed, he had settled in front of the cell, staring out with a murderous expression. So deadly was his expression that the other prisoners did not wish to make eye contact with him. When Yami had come to, he had tottered around the room for a bit, unaccustomed to being without use of his arms and then had slopped himself beside Bakura. "Well, this is just perfect," Yami grumbled moodily. "I wasn't even supposed to be locked up like this!"

"Yes, way to ruin everything. I'm never going to include you in anything again!" Bakura snarled violently. Yami harrumphed, unbothered by his attitude. "This is why you don't have any friends! You ruin everything!"

"I have plenty of friends and they love me!"

"No, they don't!" Bakura spat back. "It always has to be about you, doesn't it? I'm the Pharaoh, look at me, pay attention to me! Well, damn it, what about the hot fucking Tomb Robber? I deserve a bit of fame, as well! I deserve love! I deserve attention! PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMN IT!"

"What's your issue?" Yami said, his eyes bugged out as he watched Bakura roar up at the ceiling looking quite mad. "Did you not get enough sleep last night, because they have melatonin for that. It's all natural. Yuugi gives it to me." Bakura muttered under his breath. "What did you say?" Yami demanded suspiciously.

"He probably sticks shit up your ass to please you, too."

"Nothing has ever been up there!" Yami squealed, horrified and more than a bit angry. While Bakura glowered at the ground, Yami raised himself to his knees and drove his head into Bakura's shoulders, knocking them both to the ground. Swearing, Bakura violently kicked Yami, who bit down into his legs.

"GAHHH! WHAT ARE YOU, A CANNIBAL?" Bakura howled, kicking Yami in the head repeatedly, yet the Pharaoh remained fast, grinding his teeth into Bakura's leg. The thief continued to yowl and then they heard guards running to them. They immediately stumbled to their feet and as the guards opened the gate, startled by their sounds, they drove into them with their heads, knocking them over. "Free! Free at last!" Bakura cackled and went running down the hall.

"Wait, Bakura, there's more guards! This way!" Bakura immediately turned and followed Yami, who was running bow-legged.

"Why are you running like that?" Bakura yelled.

"It's easier!"

Bakura attempted and then nearly fell over a flight of stairs. "YOU LIE!"

"You're just too stupid to do it," Yami griped and then the two darted into a small room and shut the door. It was dark inside and as they listened to the guards tromp by, they became aware of heavy breathing behind them. Slowly, they turned to face the breathing. "EEEEEEEEEK!"

"Dear Ra," Bakura muttered, wincing and glaring at Yami. "What the fuck kind of scream is that?" Yami bit down on his lip, staring instead at the man that was in a cage within the room. He had a mask over his face and was breathing heavily, clutching at the cage, staring at them. "So..." Bakura eyed the man. "Who the hell are you?"

"Good evening, Clarice," the man breathed, his eyes focused upon them.

"Uh..."

"Who's Clarice?" Yami whispered.

"Fuck if I know, his nurse? Do you see anything we might get ourselves out of this thing with or are you too stupid to look?"

"He's staring at us!"

"Just ignore him!"

"But what if he attacks?"

"He's in a CAGE, Yami! For Ra's sake, what's the matter with you?"

"Matter with me?" Yami muttered, stumbling to the other side of the room and glancing at the man in the cage. "What's the matter with him?"

Abruptly, the caged man spoke again, "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

"Hey!" Bakura went over to the cage and glowered at the man. "Shut the hell up with your fava bean shit, I don't care!" Yami was cowering on the other side of the room. He didn't know what fava beans or chianti was, but he did know that the crazy loon had eaten someone's liver and that was not okay, even back in ancient Egypt.

We used to send their liver with them to Anubis, Yami thought sadly. That man will be without a liver when he moves to that realm.

"You're quite frank, Clarice," the man said, suddenly turning his head abnormally to the right. "I think it would be quite something to know you in private life." Bakura felt a shiver go up his spine and gave a disgusted shake of his head and then kicked the cage. As he walked away, he felt air move over his leg and saw that the man had tried to grab his leg.

"In jail," he muttered as he moved around the room and struggled with the jacket, "you just get threatened with knives and paper clips and with huge black penises, but in here, you've got fucking nuts calling you 'Clarice' and acting like psychos from a bad Hollywood movie..." His face lit up when we found a cleaver. "Ah ha!"

"You're not seriously going to try and use that, are you?" Yami asked nervously, glancing at the caged man who watched them patiently.

"Why not? Try and hold it in place for me." As Yami did so, Bakura sawed at his cloth and after some time of that, the fabric had been cut enough for him to release his arms. He quickly removed the jacket and then worked on getting Yami out of his jacket. "Alright...now get out!"

"What? Why?"

"Because you need to escape to tell Anzu to come get me."

There was a long pause in which they stared at each other, Yami with a solemn gaze and Bakura with a determined expression.

"Malik's right, you really are becoming stupid."

"Excuse me? That little chicken shit is saying things about me and you only now decide to bring it up?"

"I try not to gossip," Yami said primly, crossing his arms and looking away. "You know how it is. Gossip gets around, gets distorted...I wouldn't want a rumor about you to do that."

"I swear to Ra, Pharaoh, that if you don't tell me more about what he said, I'll – " He paused, hearing footsteps outside the door and hastily waved at Yami to dive behind the table. The caged man turned his gaze to the door as it opened. The lights flickered on and the two exchanged looks. Bakura pointed up and then made a punching motion. Yami gave him a clueless stare. Marik would be such a better person to have in this situation!

Ignoring Yami, Bakura leapt up and grabbed the person by throat. The old woman stared at him fearfully. Feeling somewhat guilty, he gently found the pressure point behind her head and she fainted. He took the white jacket off of her and pinned the card on it, backwards, and then grabbed one of the white straight jackets. "Put this on and make it look like you're wearing it right," he told Yami.

"What for?"

"Well, you're not going to help me OR tell me what Malik said, so we're leaving. This is a waste of my time! Can't even get anything to work the way that I want it to anymore. Can't get laid by Anzu, can't get Ryou to get off my back about jacking off in the shower, can't get a decent meal at any restaurants, and now none of my plans even work out right anymore. Nothing works for me anymore!"

"Do you realize you just told me about your masturbation habits?" Yami asked him, struggling back into the straight jacket.

"Don't act like you don't do it, too!"

"I do in front of the computer like a real man! And when Yuugi walks in, I just keep doing it!"

"What the - ?" Bakura whirled around to stare at him in disgust. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm not ashamed on my girth!" Yami said proudly, raising his head. "And I'm sure any girl would want that!"

"But that you're abiou you're jacking off in front of!"

Yami frowned and then simply shook his head, saying, "Let's go already!" Bakura was still staring at him, looking ill. "Come on!" he snapped irritably. He hadn't really thought of it that way before but he supposed Bakura was right. Yuugi was another man...but still, his girth was amazing and Yuugi was jealous of it, this Yami was certain of. Why not increase that jealousy? Shaking these thoughts from his head momentarily, he followed Bakura out into the hallway. Bakura put a hand on his arm and hurried him through the corridors. Any of the guards that were now in station did not give them a second look.

"I am quite genius," Bakura murmured as they came to a map and he inspected it. An elevator was near that would take them out of the hospital, it appeared. "Why would nobody want my genius?"

"You're a dick," Yami suggested bluntly.

"As if you're any better," Bakura snapped. The two moved to the elevator and as they stepped inside, they saw another doctor moving towards it. Immediately, Bakura released Yami and then smashed into the doctor who was so frightened by the attack, he simply passed out in Bakura's arms as the thief began to rant at him in Arabic.

"You're leaving a trail of bodies, knock it off!" Yami said as they got into the elevator. "That's the first mistake every criminal makes."

"I am an ancient tomb robber from Egypt," Bakura said angrily as the elevator descended. "I make no mistakes!"

"We're in a mental institution instead of jail. How can you not call that a mistake?"

"I will leave your ass in here if I have to, Pharaoh!"

"You don't even look convincing in that tiny white jacket."

"It fits fine."

"Maybe you should stop eating so many brownies, fatso." Bakura's mouth thinned into a straight line, but as they exited the elevator, his eyes drifted down dubiously to his mid-drift. They found themselves facing two doors, one that went into the waiting room and what it appeared went through security, as well, whereas the other was being used by doctors. Bakura watched them behind a wall for a moment while Yami removed the straight jacket. Bakura, feeling that he might be less conspicuous with the white jacket, took it off, but kept the key card. After it was empty, he moved forward and swiped the key card. The doors immediately opened into the lobby. "I think we may have a, um, additional problem," Yami said as they stepped into the lobby and peered outside. "Such as...where are we?"

X

Seto Kaiba was really not in the mood for this today. It was one of his usual days. He had stepped into his multibillionaire company, ignored everyone that said good morning, snubbed the man that tried to offer him coffee and then took the stairs when someone tried to hold the elevator for him. Yes, the avoidance of all idiocy of the human race was, thus far, going quite well. But, as he reached the floor where the conference room was located (thankfully nowhere near his own office and the top floor of the building), he was immediately reminded of the idiots that he had to deal with. His market managers were really quite annoying. They either had something to say, wanted to object, and actually thought that they had any say in what was going on in the business at all. It really was obnoxious since clearly Kaiba's way of doing things was superior and therefore worked much better than anyone else's ideas. He certainly didn't need subpar humans suggesting things.

"Mr. Kaiba!" one of the market managers, Tsuchiro, greeted him anxiously as he stepped into the conference room. With the slightest glance, Kaiba acknowledged him and then settled at the front of the desk. The men that had been sitting had straightened when he came into the room and the miniature paper football went flying over the head of the man who had formed the goalie and landed somewhere on the ground behind him. Kaiba ignored all of this. He couldn't expect them to be any better than they were. However, as they did, his cell phone began to ring.

"Kaiba," he answered the phone.

"Kaiba, you have to help us, we're stuck a mental institution, we don't know where we're at, we need a ride and I swear to Ra and God and whatever other god that you might believe in that I am NOT attracted to you and I swear that if you're attracted to me, I won't tell anyone, I swear it. I mean, I can understand why anyone would. I have an attractive face, a perfect body, an amazing girth – even ask Yuugi – but really I don't blame you, I promise I'll keep it a secret if you do. Just PLEASE get me away from this place and Bakura's being an asshole and I don't think I can handle being with him anymore!"

"..."

"Kaiba?"

Swiftly touching 'End' on his phone, he focused his attention on the marketing team again. They looked at him anxiously, but then his phone went off again. Irritated, he rose from his seat, saying, "One moment," and left the conference room. Once he had shut the door, he answered the phone again.

"I'll kill you when I find you if you don't come and get us right now," Bakura threatened through the phone.

"First, how the hell did you two get my number and second, why didn't you call someone else?"

"I can't call Malik, I have too much at stake right now!" Bakura growled. "Apparently he's spreading rumors about me! I can't have him making up another one right now. It'll injure my pride."

"As if it isn't already?" was Kaiba's sarcastic response.

"Damn it, will you just come and get us?"

"I don't even know where you're at."

"Some mental institution. You're smart, figure it out! I have to go hide in bushes because we snuck out, but you'd better damn well show up!" Bakura hung up, leaving Kaiba with a not-so-pleasant taste in his mouth. He glanced back at the conference room and then looked at his phone quizzically. He wasn't sure which would be less enjoyable. Considering the men inside the room, he decided he'd put up with the two idiots instead. Two idiots were better than an entire room full of them.

X

"What was he saying about me?" Bakura growled at Yami in the bushes. They had been crouched there for some time, but he had not forgotten Yami's earlier comment. Yami had been picking at the mushrooms on the ground, wanting to eat them, but unsure as to whether they would satisfy his hunger. "Pharaoh, I'm not kidding when I say I'll kill you for information. You know my forms of torture. Tearing off fingernails...waterboarding...dick flicking."

"Fag," Yami snickered. Bakura looked ready to explode, so Yami hastily said, "Alright, fine, all he said was that your plans have been sucking lately. Geez."

"What? My plans? My plans have never failed up until this one!"

"Except that plan with Yuugi and Ryou backfired," Yami informed him, "not to mention with Kaiba. And with Anzu. On top of this one!"

"They all worked in the end," Bakura said, smacking his hand on the ground to accent the point. "The only one that didn't was this one because I refuse to be stuck in a place where that freak obsessed with Clarice is!"

"You're obsessed with my Anzu, so..."

"She's not yours, Pharaoh, she hates your guts!"

"She does not!" Yami gasped.

"Are you two done yet?" They looked up to see Kaiba frowning down at them.

"Thank Ra!" Bakura muttered and scrambled to his feet, sprinting to the limo and diving inside. Kaiba watched him with disgust and then followed him much more slowly. Yami gathered a few mushrooms, saying to himself, "Just for the ride," and hastily got inside the limo as well. "Took you long enough."

"I run a business," Kaiba told him flatly, as if that explained the entirety of the world. As Bakura grunted and relaxed against the cushions as they left, Kaiba lit a cigarette, clearly feeling stressed out.

"Where did you get those?" Bakura asked, only then noticing that Yami was eating something.

"They were behind those bushes we were in," Yami said. "And no, you can't have any, so screw off."

"Selfish bitch."

"Those are poisonous," Kaiba told them, blowing out a stream of smoke. "I'll be dropping you off at the hospital."

X

Anzu hastened into the room with Yuugi after the nurse had allowed them entrance. "Yami!" she gasped. "I'm so glad you're okay. Once Yuugi called me, telling you were really sick from eating wild mushrooms...I was really worried."

"Yeah, it's really painful," Yami said in a depressed voice, turning his head dramatically. "I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been so close to the hospital. I could have died."

"Oh, no!"

Yeah, milk it, Bakura thought, sitting in the corner of the room while Ryou visited with the others. Fucking Pharaoh...

TBC

Reason Six: ...But yamis should also not mention their plans in front of other yamis.

X

DIS: Well...it's been a super long time since I've written on this, so I'm not sure if it's still got any humor to it, but let me know in a review so I can improve the last four chapters when I write them up. No, the wait will NOT be as long, haha...Ciao!