Summary: When Raphael is captured and traded as an animal on the black market, he is forced to question his pride, his strength, and what it really means to be human.

Rating: Mature readers (15+)

This is set after the 2007 film.

My first turtles fanfic! Constructive crit is always very welcome.

Send in the Clowns

Chapter 1

Thunk, thunk. FWAP. Thunk.

The comfortingly familiar sounds of Raph in a fight to the death with his punching bag emanated from the dojo. This was one of those instances where the physical exertion didn't seem to be improving his mood.

If I can't beat goddamn Leo in a spar, at least I can beat the crap out of this thing, he reasoned sourly. Thunk, FWAP. Maybe I should get a photo of his smug face and stick it up on here. Make me feel better.

His grumpiness was a mainly habitual response to a bad match. Raph was many things, but graceful in defeat was not one of them. His pride wouldn't allow him to be anything but a sore loser.

After the Winters incident his rivalry had settled back into the familiar groove of (mostly) friendly competition. But every now and then there was a harsher edge to it, something not quite resolved, and tonight was one of those nights.

It had been an ordinary training session after an ordinary day. And it wasn't like Splinter hadn't been pairing him with Leo at all recently. The problem, Raph thought darkly, was the rain. Something in the way it drove into the pavement so heavily, relentlessly, with a never-ceasing angry hiss. It reminded him…

He'd been going so well with the forgetting, too. He thought that he'd managed to firmly repress the memory of the expression in Leo's eyes with Raph's sai an inch away from his neck.

It was the kinda thing you really only wanted to see once, ya know?

Never seeing it would have been even better, of course, but Raph would settle for not re-living the experience every time the sky sprinkled a few drops of liquid. He'd watched Leo as they'd patrolled earlier that evening, but his older brother seemed oblivious. He'd seemed in top form despite the weather, somehow managing to give the impression of leadership without overbearing orders or a superiority complex. The four of them had moved through the city like a well-oiled machine, a flawless team.

But when they'd practiced in the dojo afterwards, Raph had caught some spark in the eyes behind the blue mask that immediately reminded him just how quickly and easily Leo could get under his skin.

And Leo knew it.

It was his damn compulsive memory. That's what he'd blame it on. It had put him off. He'd almost had to force himself not to pull his punches. Now that was a new experience for him. He'd always been the master of the whole aggression thing. But he was hiding from that memory, and he had a feeling that just laying a punch on Leo would bring the whole thing flooding back. So the fight had ended in exactly the same position as it had on the rooftop that rainy night; only this time, Leo had been the one leaning over his brother sprawled on the floor. There was no bloodlust in his eyes, no hint of vengeance. For a moment his face was completely clear, calm and focused, just as they always were when he was training. Then something seemed to click – Raph saw the second that he realised – a shadow came over his eyes, and he'd pulled away quickly, with an expression of… guilt? Remorse?

Go figure. Only Leo could somehow manage to feel personally guilty about his own brother almost stabbing him in the throat.

Fwap, FWAP, a grunt of exertion.

"Who's winning?" Don stuck his head through the doorway on his way to the kitchen. Raph growled wordlessly, and he retreated with: "better not be the bag, man…"

Then Leo was in the doorway, and Raph almost wished he could call Don back. Leo had got it into his head recently that just 'cause the two of them were okay now, it was a good idea to have these brotherly, deep and meaningful, heart-to-heart talks. And Raph had never improved much in the communication area.

"Busy, Leo." His older brother rolled his eyes in response.

"C'mon, Raph. You're not even punching it any more, just leaning on it."

Raph straightened self-consciously. "I am not – "

" – Look, about the match - "

"Oh yeah, I thought you hadn't gloated quite enough for the evenin' yet."

"No, that's not what I meant! I just wanted to say, to check, that, uh…" Raph watched him floundering, arms folded. "… I mean, well… you know I didn't mean anything by it, right?"

Apparently Leo's communication skills weren't too crash-hot at the moment, either. To give the guy some credit, he was struggling to tiptoe around issues that Raph had repeatedly refused to raise with him, or even acknowledge. There was, thought Raph resignedly, a Serious Discussion waiting to be had there. And yeah, he knew he couldn't avoid it forever, it needed to happen sometime. But not tonight. Tonight he just wasn't in the mood. Not that I ever am… whatever.

Leo was watching him expectantly, looking half-worried. Oh yeah, need to dodge this one.

"Lighten up, Leo." Raph managed a smirk. "When am I ever not pissed when you win a fight?"

"… Fair point." Leo relaxed enough to smile slightly, but Raph could still see that unspoken conversation just hanging there in his eyes. Urgh. I hate that look.

He had a couple of choices here: he could face up to the issue, talk things through with Leo, or he could listen to his pride and… what would Mikey call it? Do a 'Raph'.

Let's see what's behind door number 2.

"Listen, I'm goin' for a run." Already moving to the door, he ignored Leo's unsurprised sigh. "Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm so predictable. I just need to pound some pavement for a while."

Leo arched his brow. "And by pavement, do you mean skulls?"

"No sir. Just don't let 'em get in the way of my trajectory, that's all I'm sayin'."

"Yeah, right." muttered Leo, exasperated and partly amused.

"Back soon," he placated, and tried to sneak out around the back of the couch. Mikey's head popped up.

"Catch a movie with us, Raph! I've got multiple bowls of popcorn…" he waved them enticingly under his brother's nose.

"Nah, I'm headin' out. I give you permission to eat my share."

"Thankyou, your Highness!" Mickey bowed reverentially over the bowl, and then stuck his face into it.

"Geez, Mikey, do you have to slobber like that? No one likes soggy popcorn, you know." Don complained.

At the door of the lair Raph stopped to shrug his trenchcoat on over his shoulders, and felt Leo's unmistakable presence dithering behind him. He turned around with a growl stuck in his throat, but held it back when he saw Leo's expression. Instead it came out as a sudden bray of laughter.

"What?!"

"Man, you should see your face! Yer trying so hard not to say 'be careful' that yer eyes are practically crossing."

Leo's mouth opened slightly in chagrin, closely followed by embarrassment. He put his hands on his hips.

Raph just walked out, still chuckling. The doors slid closed behind him, and there was a second of silence.

"You're grinning, bro."

"Am not."

"You totally are."

Leo swiped the popcorn bowl, and plunked down on the couch.