Pairing: R/T (Surprise! Surprise! ;D)

Rating: Kplus

Warnings: Nothing... except for lots and lots of black humour, people! ('Cause... yeah, that's me! ;D)

Length: about 1,570 words (short 'n sweet...)

Disclaimer: The Two Personalities Of Jord or My Bad (Which Is Your Bad As Well) (And I just looove inventing funny plays!)

Short scenery description: Me and Alter Ego are standing in front of JKR's house. Waiting... waiting... waiting...

Me (determinedly): I'll get it.

Alter Ego (scowling at Me): No, I'll do it.

Me (shaking head, slapping Alter Ego): No, you wait here until she comes out, then you threaten her with the wand and I'll jump up from behind, grab the rights of HP out of her hand - and it'll be ours forever!

Alter Ego (eyes glowing greedily in anticipation): Oh yessssss... my precccccioussssss...

Me (slapping Alter Ego): Wrong fandom, idiot!

Alter Ego (rubbing head, a bit grumpily): Yes, sure, sorry.

Me (attention on house again): So...

Alter Ego (starting to tap lightly with foot): So...

Me (frowning, tilting head): When's she coming out?

And they stood there... and waited... and waited... and waited... until they realised that Alter Ego apparently had got the wrong address leading them to stand in front of the house of "Joanne K. Rollings". Needless to say that ME wasn't that happy about it... -.- (means this is the last ever play that Alter Ego will have starred in for death does somewhat prevent future appearances... agree with Me?)

Oh, plus I used titles of songs for the different headings (although they have nothing to do with the ficlets themselves). Just wanted to say that they belong to their respective owners.

Summary: RIDDIKULUS! ... Merlin, where did the sanity go? - Just three little vignettes of mine that are totally ridiculous, very funny... and do have a touch of black humour as well. Featuring Tonks, her most favourite werewolf (Remus, duh!), an evil umbrella stand and a Sirius who doesn't appear to be in his best form... (NOW WITH 3. CHAPTER!! ;D That makes TWELVE hilarious vignettes!)

Beta: Nope! (simple as that)

Author's Notes: I know, I know, I should be so working on updates for my chaptered fics now and I really am, it's just that I needed to write this, it wouldn't leave me alone! And really, it didn't take that long, plus it's quite funny which is always a good thing, huh? And now for the obvious: Have... nah, nah? FUN reading... ;D

OoOoOoOoO

Riddikulus!

1. The Kill

The full moon stood high above Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Everyone was fast asleep but for two – one werewolf and one quite determined Auror.

Tonks sat across from the snarling beast facing her. Her heart rate was at its peak, her breathing anything but steady. She inhaled deeply to calm herself down – and smelled the wolf's ragged dirty breath not a mere meter from her. She threw it a fierce glare as the full moon's prisoner began baring its sharp teeth at her.

"Do it!" she commanded loudly, just a faint trace of fear in her otherwise firm voice. "I know you want to. I would do the same if I were in your position."

The wolf made a step towards her but she didn't back away. Moody had always told her she had guts and now was the time to prove him right. No, she would not surrender. She would go down in honour…

"What are you waiting for?"

The wolf let out a deep haunting growl that made the hair on her neck stand up in fear.

"I'm DONE, Remus!" she yelled at him desperately, a stinging pain behind her eyes now. "I can't move! You got me! So do it for heaven's sake!"

The wolf stepped forwards again and she knew this would be the last breath she'd get to catch in her heaving chest. Doom was nigh and her heart was protesting against her ribcage, demanding her to run away, even if it meant surrender.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

She needed to stand up for herself, defend herself. She was an Auror after all. Though… in fact… there was nothing she could do anymore…

Tonks looked down for a second with tears in her eyes, her fists clenched so firmly that she felt the piecing pain as her fingernails dug into her skin. When she saw the wolf lower its head, she almost couldn't stand to watch.

But she did.

She had to.

Slowly, achingly slowly, the wolf's nose drew closer, sniffing for a moment. She closed her eyes briefly, just wishing it would be over already. Another moment passed – and the wolf had moved the pawn with his nose in front of her king. Tonks looked up again, unable to hold back the tears anymore.

"Check mate" she choked in a whisper, the wolf nodding its approval.

Remus had won yet again.

2. Devil In A Midnight Mass

It was midnight and Remus was trotting down the stairs, passing the narrow entrance corridor in an attempt to get into the kitchen and make himself some tea. However, upon seeing a very familiar petite figure on the floor, he stopped dead in his tracks. He turned slightly and frowned at the young Auror, sitting legs crossed just opposite her archenemy – the infamous troll leg umbrella stand – and staring at it without even so much as blinking.

"Tonks" Remus asked tentatively, not wanting to startle the delicate woman since she seemed so very lost in her… watching.

She didn't even stir.

Let alone answer.

Remus looked around him frantically, wondering if he should go search Molly or somebody else. But eventually, he decided that he would have to be the one to take care of the situation.

He sighed.

Slowly, step by step, he made his way towards the girl. When he had reached her, he sat down beside her mirroring her position. She was looking straight forward at the umbrella stand, not one single movement of her body visible. He wondered for a moment if she might have been hit by a Petrificus Totalus.

"Erm… Tonks?" he tried again, but immediately he was chided with a hushed but firm "Shush!" by her. He looked at the female Auror, confused for a second. A minute passed by and he hoped he'd be allowed to say something now.

"Tonks" he whispered very quietly as to not give her another reason to shush him. "Might I ask what you are doing here?"

She didn't look at him or even turn an inch away from her apparent position, but she did indeed answer this time.

"Watching" she said very fast and very simply. Remus raised an eyebrow inquisitively and locked his eyes for a second on the unmoving, quite dull troll leg umbrella stand in front of them before he turned his attention back to her. He was just about to ask what exactly she was watching out for when she threw him yet another single word:

"Waiting."

He nodded slightly, slowly, then frowned at her.

"And… what are we waiting for?"

"For that bloody soddin' beast to move and show its true self."

Remus nodded again, apprehensively this time and shifted his gaze to the unmoving opponent of the witch sitting next to him. The troll leg umbrella stand seemed to have no intention to fall out of its lethargy any time soon. Remus started lightly tapping with his fingers on the ground in anticipation and probably a tad bit boredom as well.

"True self?" he whispered dramatically after a little while, slightly leaning in to Tonks.

"Uh-huh" she answered absent-mindedly, her steady eyes never leaving the archenemy in front of her. "I swear it has it in for me" she added through gritted teeth and as Remus once again turned to her he could see that she had narrowed her eyes by now, a muscle right below her left eye twitching every three or four seconds. He stopped tapping with his fingers and regarded the brave Auror for a moment.

"Tonks…" he called her in a whisper.

No answer.

"Nymphadora…" he said again, his eyebrows inching up in question as to what he knew she was going to tell him now.

But still – no answer.

"Dora, darling" he said and a smile formed on his lips "I love you."

Now that got him a reaction. The girl he was facing whirled her head around immediately, so fast he was thinking she might break it. She stared at him wide-eyed, stunned, seemingly unable to reply. He was still smiling at her and wondering by now if she would mind him leaning in and brushing his lips over her soft, luscious ones. He didn't think so…

Unfortunately, since neither of them was paying attention anymore, this was the very moment in which the infamous troll leg umbrella stand chose to come alive – and viciously attacked his two victims.

3. The Joker

Tonks was looking for Remus and, having gone through almost every room at the first two floors already, she had decided she might take a look at the kitchen and see if the man could be found there. She grabbed the door handle and tried to open the large wooden chunk of creaking mass – when she felt that something was blocking it.

She frowned.

What the-?

And then moaned.

Oh great!

Was Remus teasing her again? Fine, if so, she was totally up to it!

She braced her every ounce of herself against the door, her fingernails almost digging into the wood and with all her might she slowly, gradually forced it open. Panting slightly she stepped through the frame – where her eyes fell upon a large body lying on the floor which had apparently prevented her from opening the door in the first place.

Odd.

Another glance around the room told her that Remus was sitting at the kitchen table, the sports section of the newspaper covering his face, though she knew it was him since nobody else would be drinking hot chocolate at a late hour like this. She frowned at the scenery for a moment, then shifted her gaze once more to the limb body at her feet and – let out a piecing screech.

"Merlin, Remus, is THAT Sirius?"

The man at the table came into vision as he calmly put down the newspaper and smiled serenely at her, taking a sip of his hot chocolate before answering.

"I believe so."

Tonks looked at Remus wide-eyed, then back at her cousin's unmoving form lying on the floor, face-down, still, pale...

She poked him with one foot.

He didn't even stir.

Her head snapped up again immediately and before she could restrain herself she was yelling:

"OH MY GOD, is he DEAD?"

Remus' eyebrows shot up and he seemed slightly surprised at her question.

"Oh, I very well hope so!"

"WHAT?" she shot back at him, now on the verge of panicking both at her cousin's seeming death and Remus' apparent delight given the fact. "WHAT did you do with him?"

The man at the table shot her a deeply hurt look at her question.

"What did I do with him? Merlin, Tonks, I would've thought you to be the last person to make assumptions without knowing the whole story. Do you really think I would've ever wasted a single spell on him if he hadn't deserved it?"

Tonks looked at Remus, wide-eyed.

She contemplated for a moment.

Then nodded.

She couldn't deny the fact that her cousin was some sort of mischief maker and therefore often earned himself one or two hexes casted at his sorry arse. Though… she would've never thought Remus, of ALL people, to be the one to actually kill him. The dead man must've done something incredibly horrible to end up like this. She gave Remus a questioning look and he went on, very seriously:

"He ate my chocolate."

Tonks eyebrows darted upwards, far FAR under her fringe.

"He ate your chocolate?"

Remus nodded, a dark glimmer in his eyes now more than evident. She dropped her shoulders in disbelief before her eyes locked once more onto the seemingly asleep form of what had once been the lively Sirius Black. She shook her head slightly at him.

"Git."

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Okay, fun aside... (now very serious) Did you like it? You see, there's this neat little button at the left corner of this site and - OH! You can SO click on it! See what happenes? Funny, huh? You can even write something in that new little window! Merlin, a miracle of technology, isn't it, people? ;D (No really, please give me a review, I totally beg you!!)

Anyway... This was totally FUN writing, really. And fun inventing as well. So, in the light of things, I'd just like to comment on the little vignettes, starting with... the first one? Good choice!

So The Kill (title from a 30 Seconds to Mars song which I love!) is actually my very favourite out of all - and the first I invented. I always wondered what the Marauders did in their years at Hogwarts at full moon, wandering the grounds and doing their mischief. And then I got this idea stuck in my head that they would do quite ordinary (as much ordinary as possible in the wizarding world) things. I don't really know where it came from, but since everybody's so into chess in HP, I came up with this scenery in which Tonks and Remus (in his werewolf form, of course) start playing chess - I just couldn't come out of the laughing fit! My original idea was something in the line of Tonks just staring at the wolf, the wolf staring back, Tonks shifting her gaze down to the chess board, then up again and she would say something like: "Your turn." Quite hilarious, but still I decided to play the game just a bit further than that... ;D

Devil In A Midnight Mass (song by none other than the rockin' band Billy Talent) - Well, that was quite funny to invent as well (which they were all, actually). I originally had Remus say: "Tonks, marry me!" but I thought since it wasn't that evident if they were together already or not, I'd better go with "Love you" instead of that. (Not that Tonks wouldn't have wanted to hear his offer... well, who ever wouldn't considering it's REMUS who's asking the question? ;D)

Moving on to the last one, The Joker (song by Fatboy Slim if I remember rightly) was... a total other concept once. More or less. It had the title Spoiler before and would've been significantly longer if I had stuck to my original idea. It would've featured a dead Sirius still (and yes, Remus also would've killed him still because he ate his chocolate) but there would've been a bit... more funny conversation. (And probably, Sirius might've been revived later or he only pretended to be dead - with him you never know). I'd certainly like to get back to my original idea one day, let's see... Er, speaking of which...

How about if I think up some other ridiculous situations? I can't promise anything, but it was quite fun to write (and I hope you had fun reading as well) and I just thought if reviewers show interest, I might be inclined to invent some more, make some sort of series of hilarious vignettes out of this! (That would include you reviewing, of course, and telling me to do so!)

Well, Riddikulus! to all of you then; bye bye und tschüß