Chapter Eight: Sirius Has Puppies?:

Snape rubbed his temples and kept his eyes closed. This was not happening, it was not, could not be happening. He opened his eyes and looked up at Lucius who was looking down at him grimly. He had got special permission to even come to Hogwarts (he was on probation for his part in the last war, he had helped out so he was not locked up and had even become friends with the Weasleys, that is a long tale so I will not bore you with it). He was holding a wiggling two month old black puppy in his hands, four months ago (could it be four months already?) Snape had taken Sirius Black in as his dog when the man ran out in his Animagmus form one day.

"It's a cute puppy." Sirius said from the corner trying hard not to laugh.

"Its black, they all are." Lucius said evenly trying to keep his temper. "With gray eyes."

"I see." The headmaster said from behind his desk. "Well then congratulations are in order, Sirius you are a father!"

"I am going to kill myself." Snape said slowly. "I have heard a lot of things, have seen a lot but if this is true I swear I will kill myself."

"Well the bitches were so willing and as I have not had human sex for a long time…"

Snape blanched, he really, really did not need to hear that. He wondered what potions he had on hand that would offer him a quick and painless death. Maybe something Potter made would do the trick, yes a healing draught from that boy would kill him nicely. Snape felt as if he was going to overload mentally very quickly. Sirius Black, Lucius Malfoy and Albus Dumbledore watched him keenly to see what he was going to do. He got up and smiled brightly, not a good sign at all.

"Well it's been jolly good working for you Albus." Snape said bowing to the headmaster. "But I think I need an extended vacation."

"Whatever for my boy?" Dumbledore asked.

"This is insane, either that puppy is not Sirius and I am insane or it is and I am insane!" Snape was looking insane at this moment and yes he was cracking up.

"Severus are you okay?" Sirius said now holding the puppy.

"Oh dear he has lost it." Lucius said.

"Poppy up here now Severus needs a calming draught." Dumbledore said.

"Yes I am insane! Good bye old chum Albus, Lucius you dear chap, mutt, this is the end!" Snape raised his wand to his temple.

It was fortunate that Albus disarmed him and Poppy came out with the calming drought and a straight jacket. The jacket fastened onto Severus and she poured the calming drought down his throat and carted him off to the infirmary. She was used to the staff cracking up at one point or another. Sooner or later a student would do something so stupid that a teacher would calmly walk from the classroom and try to jump off the Astronomy tower. Lucky wards had been set up so teachers could not off themselves in that manner.

"So is this puppy mine?" Sirius said. "Because if that is the case then we have jumped the shark."

"You know that did not make any sense." Lucius said.

"You don't know what jump the shark is?" Sirius said.

So Lucius and Dumbledore spent the next hour learning about what Jump the Shark meant and afterward they were still puzzled. Who would want to jump over a shark on water skis anyway? All this time the puppy got very contented in Sirius's arms and Sirius was hoping that the laws of magic held up in this case. Or new laws would have to be written and Gwap would not be happy at all.

"There is a way to test to see if the puppies are yours." Dumbledore said.

"Oh?" Sirius said.

"You will have to have blood drawn."

"Here you are Lucius." Sirius handed the dog back to Lucius. "Sorry did you say have blood drawn."

"Yes."

"That done with a needle?"

"Yes."

"Oh well in that case, bye!"

Sirius moved to the door but did not get more than one step before he was bound in silk ropes. He fell to the floor with a thud and Lucius smirked at this. Dumbledore took the Animagmus through the floo and deposited him on a bed in the hospital wing. Sirius howled in fear and begged Dumbledore to not let Poppy do this to him.

"Stop being a big baby." Poppy said taking what looked to Sirius a huge needle.

"No please I will be a good boy!" Sirius whimpered.

"Make sure you update his human vaccines too." Dumbledore said walking out.

Sirius begged, pleaded and Lucius thought this was very funny, until the needle went into his cousin and blood was drawn out. He fell very slowly backward and into a dead faint onto the floor. When he woke he had a sore head and arm and realized Poppy had vaccinated him as well. He sat up and wanted to know exactly what the blood tests revealed. Was Sirius Black a daddy or not?

"The puppies are not his." Poppy told them.

"Well then who's are they?" Lucius said.

"A regular old dog." Poppy said.

"Well splendid, better tell Severus then!"

"When he is feeling better." Poppy said. "He tried to jump off the tower again I am afraid."

"How long will he remained cracked?" Sirius said.

"I am going to kill you mutt!" Snape said from the doorway to the next room.

Sirius let out a very girly scream and took off running through the castle and very healed and ticked off Snape after him. Harry was in the library when he heard loud voices and he walked out to see Sirius run by then Snape after him yelling exactly what he was going to do to him. Harry walked back to the table he was studying at and sat down.

"What was that Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Snape going after my godfather." Harry said. "You have more ink?"

"Yes here, five galleons that Sirius is a dog until Christmas." Hermione said.

"Raise you ten its until New Years." Harry countered.

"Done." Hermione said.

The seventh years got back to studying as if it were normal that Sirius Black got chased through the castle by one irate potions master Severus Snape…