If living is without you, a harry potter fanfic

Title: If living is without you.
Rating: PG-15+.
Disclaimer: I wish.
Prompt: 62. AU: Remus refuses to fight now the only thing he was fighting to protect is gone.

"How long will we be together?" Remus grins, his bare stomach pressed against Sirius's under thin white sheets. It's barely dawn, but they're awake - fingers rubbing circles and words and light over the tops of arms, and sharp juts of hips. And neither can quite stop smiling.

Sirius's hair falls over the pillow haphazardly and Remus smoothes it back and kisses him on the lips.

"Forever." Sirius murmurs, pressing his tongue against broken crevices and chapped corners, "Forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever…"

Remus kisses him again to stop him talking.

"You don't like bacon." Remus says, aching in the back of his throat, as he sits down at the breakfast table and stares idly at the plates. Scrambled eggs in the centre, toast, beans. Molly smiles from where she's still cooking at the stove and Tonks slips a hand into his.

"Of course I do."

Remus shakes his head and bites his lip and she doesn't dare look at him.

"You always say anything that's good enough for him isn't good enough for --"

"It's only bacon." She interrupts, shrugging, and nuzzles into his neck with a fork pressing against his mouth, "Try some?"

"You don't like bacon." He says again, gritting his teeth together.

"Sirius was the only one who --" Molly laughs in the distance and Tonks feels her shoulders tighten in the middle.

"Okay."

ii.

They're in a forrest, on the outskirts, at least. It isn't cold, but the ground is damp and their laces keep trailing through pits of mud and grit. There was a sighting a few days ago they were told. A thick bush of hair and people - muggles - suddenly losing the last ten years of their memories.

"One man --" Remus whispers, "--he woke up, with his wife, and they were like strangers. Neither could recall anything past a mathematics exam they had taken when they were in college. Their children had to be taken into care."

Nobody comments, but heads bow and knuckles turn white.

"What about Harry?" A voice pipes up from a small, shaking frame.

"His business is only with You-Know-Who!" Someone else snarls, "This is the Order's responsibility."

They all quiet down when they reach a stack of carefully placed rocks and leaves, masquerading into an almost arch before them.

They hesitate, and Remus pauses, biting his lip.

"We can't go --" A small woman mumbles but he's already pushing his way through. And then come the pops of apparation. And they're surrounded.

They look at him, they all look at him, before firing spells over their shoulders and beneath their eyes.

He's fighting, but the last thing he thinks as his back hits the ground, is how nice it would be to see him again.

Even in his mind he can't manage the name, but when he wakes up, hours later, he finds himself staring up into a mess of dark hair and it's the first thing he manages to say.

iii.

She wonders sometimes if she's the only one who sees it - the bags hanging like lead weights under his eyes and the damp quilts curled up on the floor. He doesn't sleep as much anymore, but they don't think twice about it. There's a war going on, she reminds herself, more often than she should need to, there's a war going on so it isn't even an issue.

She rubs his back when he grunts heavily and almost rolls on top of her. Kneads her palms into his muscles and sighs when all he does is curl up tightly into a ball.

"Remus." She whispers in the dark, "Remus. It'll be okay."

He never screams. But he tosses and turns fitfully, his limbs fighting out against invisible monsters. She had two black eyes last month and they all think there's more to it than she can explain. But she grips him tightly, her knuckles turning white, until a cold sweat leaks through the blankets and he collapses back against the pillows and wakes up.

"It'll be okay." She says again and he rubs his face shakily, gets up and walks out of the room.

"It'll be okay." She whispers to herself as she bundles up the blankets and cries herself to sleep.

iv.

"Don't you take sugar anymore?" Remus asks, stirring two mugs of hot chocolate with Tonks's head resting against him.

She looks up rather oddly at that, and frowns.

"I never took sugar." She says softly.

"Oh."

It's always in the dark, with their bodies pressed up against the wall. He insists she keeps her shirt on as his teeth dip gently over the curve of her neck. "Yess --" he hisses and a moan winds it's way up her stomach, pressing against his ear. His fingers always spread across her back, her shoulders, and he never looks anywhere but her eyes.

They don't have sex, but she rubs her hand inside his boxers and he comes without even blinking.

He presses against her, sometimes, too. When she's wearing his jeans. Or his pyjama bottoms.

She curls up on herself in her underwear, and wonders if she's really that unattractive.

But he always smiles and rests his head against her chest. It's not perfect, but it's enough.

"I miss you." he hisses, once, and when her breasts press up against him, it stops.

"I'm sorry." Remus tells her as they sit down on the bed, twisting to opposite sides and trying not to talk, "I don't think we can do this anymore."

She takes his hand in hers then, and holds it between her legs.

It's not much, but he shudders and his expression goes blank.

She watches him carefully and nods, wrapping herself up in the under-sheets.

"What even attracted you to me in the first place?" she asks, only because she has to, because she knows she won't be able to bring herself to any other time.

Remus pauses, turns to face her and takes a deep breath.

"Your eyes." He whispers, and he's looking right at her, "It's your eyes."

He doesn't turn over but it's almost morning before she replies - stock still.

"Everyone in my family has the same eyes."

She tries to calm her heart rate, to tell herself she's imagining it. But his muscles tighten and he nods.

"I know."

vi.

She lingers helplessly in the doorway as Harry sits down on the couch and glances around.

"You've grown up." Remus nods, next to him, and they both smile.

"Half of the Wizarding world after me, no choice really have I?"

There's a pause where they don't quite meet gazes and Remus watches the shadows trying to slink out of the open window.

"James would be proud of you. Your dad. And your mum. Everyone is proud of you, even if they never say it."

"I don't want people to be proud --" Harry closes his eyes, "I want them to be alive."

"Sirius --" Remus starts and looks away.

"You and Tonks look like you're doing well." Harry interrupts suddenly and the almost haunted look on Remus's face makes him edge further away, his elbows nudging against the oil-smacked cushions and his fingers not quite making it through the shivers.

"Tonks?"

"Tonks." Harry nods, "Your wife?"

vii.

"I have to go away for a few days." He tells her, nodding politely and inching his fingers away from touching her. "Order Business" he adds, even though she already knows. They're quiet, and the light moves around them like static, things that should be said, but Tonks just smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

"I'll be waiting."

He doesn't return it, but the faraway look in his eyes as he turns and leaves makes her heart echo resolutely in her head.

She sits by the hearth until Moody firecalls and when she turns back around he's standing there - Remus. Shoulders slumped and jaw set.

"Dumbledore --" he whispers, and his voice cracks, sticking in the back of his throat, "Dumbledore sent me back. He said --"

She looks up and reaches for him, pulling him into her arms before he can say another word.

"I love you." He stutters against her neck and she swallows hard, realising, for the first time, it was never her he was talking to.

"I love you." He repeats, angrily, and doesn't dare look at her face.

She pauses and digs her nails into his shoulders to stop herself screaming.

"I know." she breathes out, "I know."

viii.

"I'm worried about him." Harry says later, curled up with a mug of tea, "I don't think he quite knows what's going on."

"Sirius --" Ron starts and Hermione shakes her head.

"I think that might be the problem, actually."

ix.

There are only two of them, but they're a threat nonetheless. Cornered behind a Starbuck's he should have had more sense to be at. But it's Muggle Territory, and his head is pounding. He doesn't have time to check the area once the spells come and the wands flash in broad daylight like too bright fireworks.

"Cruciatus!" the first one yells, black hood crinkling at the corners as a thick sleeve arcs elegantly with a flow of sparks. "Expelliarmus!"

His stomach twists into a tight knot and his bones grate together. He tightens his fingers on the tip of his wand and turns sharply to the left, trying to fight it.

"Cruciatus!" it comes again and his legs go numb as he catches the briefest glimpse of cold grey eyes through the mask.

The pops of apparation wake him up and he shakes his head, but he can't bring himself to move.

"Lupin!" Shacklebolt growls, setting the two on their way with a hefty set of magic, "What the hell?"

Remus groans and rests his head back against the wall, staring up into the sky.

"Two. Two. You could have more than handled that."

"I saw him." Remus murmurs as he's pulled to stand, muscles tensing right down his spine, "I saw him." He says again and Shacklebolt takes them back before he has to look him in the eyes and see the empty space that nobody has ever got used to being there.

"I saw him." He tells them all later, gathered around the table, before his head falls forward and hits the wood. They nod, and frown, and try to stay hushed under Tonk's worried gaze.

"He hasn't been sleeping well." She hisses, "He's fine."

Molly rushes over with a cold cloth and a wand.

"-- saw him?" she asks, tilting his head up gently.

"There's nothing wrong." Tonks grinds out again, between her teeth, "Really."

And wonders, under the heavy racing of her pulse, how much longer she can keep herself convinced.

The day she tells him she's pregnant, she locks herself in her room and cries.

The day she tells him she's pregnant, his eyes roll back in his head and his brows crinkle in confusion.

"Despite the magical prowess of wizards --" he says, sounding too faraway for her liking, "Only girls can -"

"Remus!" she hisses, her stomach tying itself in knots, "I am a --"

"Sirius…" he purrs then, rubbing a hand against her cheek, "How many times --"

And she doesn't come out until he's gone.

xi.

"Remember the time -" Remus grins, wand in hand, as they run through the streets, "Remember the day we made love with our shoes on?"

"That's never happened with us." Tonks shouts back, and their fingers are almost linked.

"It did." he insists, and he tugs her around the corner, away from the dark skies and heavy footsteps following them, "Our laces came loose and got tangled. Neither of us could get out of it, so we stayed in bed for days."

She doesn't say anything then but her throat tightens and she sends a shot of red sparks over her shoulder.

"Remember the time --" he starts again, pressing up against the wall of an old building, "-- when you studied for months, just to create the perfect rainstorm for us to kiss under?"

Tonks shakes her said again and frowns.

"That wasn't --"

"What about when you told me you loved me and your eyes lit up when I kissed you back?"

"We never --"

His eyes glaze over, his cheeks flush, and it looks like his hair hasn't been brushed for weeks.

"I can remember when we talked for hours about getting married, knowing we'd never be able to. You sat naked, in the dark, and you looked so beautiful, it's the one time I was thankful for the moon, that I could see --"

"Remus." Tonks yells, shaking his shoulder hard, "Remus, we are married."

"I never told you I loved you too."

"Remus--" she yells again, and then he crumples over backwards when a shot of light speeds out from the side.

"Remus!" she cries and he laughs, throwing his head backwards.

"No more fighting." he smiles, "I want us to be together again."

"Remus --"

"Moony and Padfoot sitting in a tree --"

"Remus…" she whispers and he fades out.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G --"

xii.

"I want to go with you." He tells Harry, and they watch him carefully out of the corners of their eyes, "I want to help. I want to --" he pauses, stumbling, "I want to fight."

Hermione and Ron exchange a worried look and they shake their heads.

"You need to stay here." Harry says, softly, "You need to look after Tonks. And your son."

The surprise on his face at that stops them all dead in their tracks.

"I can't have a son --" he whispers and his wand is braced shakily in front of him, " I don't --"

"Go to them." Harry says, "Go with Tonks."

"I need to fight for him -- he wanted me to fight."

His anger flares in limbs and magic. Exploding like grated teeth and sharp bones.

He stands on the threshold as he storms out the door. And looks around. Feeling barely eleven again, he whispers, just outside of his head, "He told me to fight."

Except this time, nobody answers.