A/N: Hola! Ok, so just a little about this. I was sitting here at one in the morning just thinking and this came into my head. I don't know, I've never seen Matt as religious even though Mello strikes me as a devout Catholic. Nihlism seems to fit Matt a bit better. I don't see him as just atheistic, but as critical of religion as a whole. This is a spur-of-the moment thing, so I'm not sure where this will go. As for the religious aspect of it, I know I'm probably going to offend a few people. Personally I've been studying Wicca and have adopted its traditions and beliefs, so I don't really agree with either of them. I have, however, been at both extreems (if you substitite just plain old Christianity for Catholicism). This first chapter, by the way, is narrated by Matt.
Warning: Frank discussion about religion and faith, death and suicide, sex and sexuality, as well as possibly graphic depictions of self-destructive habits. For all of you who may flame me later, just don't. I gave you fair warning.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
There is no God. No higher power to which we owe our existence. No supreme being who governs the course of the universe. As much as we humans hate to admit it, we are alone.
There is no God. In this purely human world there is only sorrow and joy, pain and oblivion, silence and chaos, hope and reality, agony and death. There is no higher meaning behind it. There is no grand scheme. There is nothing. There exists only each individual human being and it is within his or her own mind that God originates. There is no God. There is only human desperation.
There is, however, sin. They say that greed is the root of all sin, the lust for power and riches and carnal pleasure. They are wrong. Sin and the figment we call God have the same origin: human desperation. Desperation to prove to ourselves that we are not weak, to have the ability to provide what we need and desire, and of course there is the desperation to see that we are not alone. It is the last one that has the most interesting consequences. It is the source of his salvation and my damnation.
How long has he believed in that human creation named God? Most probably all his life, at least as far as I know. He's been alone for most of his life, too. Not completely, he's had me, but it was still enough to drive him to desperation.
Personally I've never believed, but I have been alone before. Even now I feel so completely and utterly alone. He's still with me – in fact, he's here right now – but I wonder sometimes if he even really sees me anymore. Certainly he doesn't see me the same way he used to. As a lover, yes, but more importantly as a friend. As another human just trying to find a place to belong. We were so close when we were young and ultimately it grew into something deeper and more physical as we got older. But there came a time – it was after our first night together – that he started to distance himself from me. Desperation.
He doesn't know yet, won't know until it's too late. I'd like to keep it that way, although I think he's already begun to notice. He commented just yesterday on how thin I am, how I haven't been myself lately. How would he know? He's gone so much that he wouldn't know. He's distanced himself from me out of fear of his sin.
There is no God in this world, but there is sin. Not sin as he understands it – according to his beliefs loving me is a sin – but real sin. Murder, rape, abuse, theft, arson, the list goes on. Real sin. Sin against your fellow man. Love, though… love is never a sin. Love is the only thing that can make this life bearable.
He's right here next to me, so close I can feel the heat from his body, but I've never felt more alone. Abandonment is nothing new to me, but this time it's too much. Desperation. I know my sin, feel the weight of it every waking moment, and it is too much. Desperation. The sheer powerlessness. Desperation. The knowledge that none of it changes anything.
Really we don't. We live for awhile, fighting and hoping, just wishing that maybe we can make some difference in the world. Ultimately we fail. There is no meaning. There is no clarity. There is no hope. There is no God. There is only human understanding and human desperation.