We've all thought it at some point or another "If I was Christine I would have…". Well, he's my story. This is what would have happened if things were as they should have been, with me (Victoria) as the object of dear Erik's obsession…instead of dumb Christine.

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom or anything having to do with it. That honor goes to Gaston Leroux and the brilliant ALW.

A/N – This is, of course, a bit of a comedy. It's by no means a complete retelling; most likely it will only have ten or so very short chapters. It's not splendidly written, in my opinion, I don't do comedies all that often but I had to indulge in this one. Oh, and it's based mostly off the play…and, in case you wanted to know, my Erik looks like Gerard. Why? Because I can. D

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"Prologue" or "That Auction Part"

Raoul le Vicomte de Changy, elderly and weak, is wheeled into the old Paris Opera House in the midst of a public auction. Few others are present; among them is Meg Giry, also old. They recognize each other but neither says anything.

What the hell is he doing here? Thinks the former ballerina, Hasn't he gotten the hint by now that she wasn't interested?!? Well, maybe he's gone senile…poor bugger. Good thing she decided against coming…

Meanwhile the Vicomte, who may or may not be senile, is also thinking.

Oh my love, if only I could see you again! I would break that demon's trance and wisk you away and guard you and guide you and hide you and…Suddenly Raoul falls asleep mid-sentence, as some older people tend to, but he quickly wakes. And I'll talk about summer and we'll go on the roof and play in the snow!

"Lot 665 then. A papier mache music of a monkey in Persian robes sitting on a barrel organ."

A bidding war ensues between the aged Vicomte de Chagny and Meg Giry. No one is quite sure why they both want the slightly creepy looking toy so much, but they do. In the end Meg lets Raoul win it and the auction continues. Meanwhile Raoul talks to himself,

"A collector's piece indeed, every detail exactly as she said…Oh who am I kidding, she never told me anything. At least I know she was in the same room as this thing at one time…."

"Lot 666 then. A chandelier in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange story of the Phantom of the Opera…a mystery never fully explained. We are told that this is the very chandelier that figures in the great tragedy. Parts of it have been wired for the new electric light, perhaps we can scare away the ghost of so many years a go with a little illumination."

There is suddenly a very bright light (apparently the wiring was a little off in the chandelier) and we are plunged fifty years back in time…

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Ok, not great. I'm not really thrilled. But perhaps it will get better? In any case it gives me something to work on when I need a break from my other much better Phantom Phiction.

Please read and review!!!!

Your Obidient Authoress,

M.E.