Chapter 1: And it Begins

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: But YOU can! Kakuzu is hosting a garage sale, and if you see anything you want, make Kakuzu an offer via a Review!

RULES/ GUIDELINES:

(EDIT) NO Anon reviews. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I would have a problem, but I have a feeling the anon reviews I got are all the same person, and I can't allow that. Sorry.

You can only buy up to five things, but they don't all have to be from the same character.

You must give an offer of what you will pay (in dollars and cents, I don't understand Yen or Ryous.)

If there are multiple requests for the same thing, then it will go to the highest bidder.

Include your name, gender and maybe a brief description of yourself or your alter ego, and I will write a chapter just for you!!!

There is a small list provided of some possible things for sale, but please, request something yourself if you don't see what you want on the list! Whatever you want, as long as it doesn't belong to Sasori.

I won't do this unless I get at least 10 reviews, not because I'm greedy…just because I don't see the point of this if no one gives a shit.

Please keep in mind that I don't write fluff. This is NOT a romance, it is Crack Humor. The Akatsuki may not like you…be warned.

PS: Sasori's things are not for sale. Kandai bought it all. So don't ask. She gave me the idea for this, so I gave her whatever she wanted.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu and his hired help (really just three of his masked demons) were unloading boxes of miscellaneous shit he didn't think anyone really cared about (even though some of them DID) onto rickety old tables scattered around in the driveway.

The Gumby mailbox was hidden behind a giant fluorescent pink poster that had the words "Garage Sale" written on it in magic marker.

Well, it was supposed to say "Garage Sale," but since Tobi is the one who wrote it, and he can't read or write, it really said "Gay Raj Sail." But people weren't that fucking stupid. They got it.

When everything was set, Kakuzu sat in a moth eaten La-Z-Boy he'd found on the side of the road last month and caressed his calculator lovingly.

"Soon, you shall be full of numbers…Oh, yes…and I will hit the 'add' sign again…and again…and again…"

Kakuzu grinned from beneath his mask (his face was sexy, yes, but it tended to frighten little children away, and frightened children meant loss of prospective buyers), lost to thoughts of money making greatness…and then a growl brought him back to reality.

"Hey, quit fighting, you two!" Kakuzu yelled at Bird Brain and Horn Dog. They stopped poking each other and looked to 'daddy' with puppy dog eyes.

Kakuzu glared.

"Don't pull that with me! Just get back in my back."

The missing Falls nin stood up and took off his cloak so his mask demons could…go back home, yeah.

But there was one mask missing.

Kakuzu shook his head and looked around the yard. He found Mr. Chiclets (the one with all the teeth) humping the fire hydrant out by the curb.

"No, Mr. Chiclets, BAD! BAD DOG!"

Mr. Chiclets paused mid hump, cocked his head curiously, and ran to his daddy.

"Get in, shut up and behave."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey…hey! Wake up!"

"Huh?" Kakuzu snorted. He'd fallen asleep in his La-Z-Boy, and was being shaken by a little girl with purple hair.

"Hey, how much for everything on that table over there? All the puppet stuff?"

Kakuzu's eyes widened.

"ALL of it? There's some very valuable things there…."

The girl grinned wickedly. Kakuzu blinked.

"Money is NO object. I. WANT. IT. ALL."

The old missing Falls nin snorted.

"And who the hell do you think you are?"

"Kandai!"

"Riiight…well, Candy-chan…money talks, shit walks…"

The girl smirked and dropped a gigantic money bag on Kakuzu's table, upsetting his bowl of dried fruit and his beloved calculator.

Kakuzu petted the bag and drooled on it for a full five minutes.

Kandai took that time to rifle through Sasori's things.

"Let's see…empty Pledge cans…of course…spare arms and legs…a plastic eyeball that once belonged to a Furby from Singapore…a raccoon stuffy with its tail chewed off...ew…ew…EW! I'll leave that here…" Kandai said as she grabbed Itachi's baby blanket and used it to remove a broken vibrator from Sasori's box and put it in a chipped coffee mug instead.

Kandai came across an old shirt with a mysterious burn hole on the sleeve and sniffed it.

"OMG it still has his smell!"

Kakuzu snapped out of it when he heard the distinct high pitched squeal of a fangirl screaming, and impulsively grabbed the money bag and slipped it into his cloak.

He looked like he was nine months pregnant, but that was fine with him.

"Thank you for shopping at Kmart. Now grab your shit and go."

Kandai nodded and waved a $50 at an old beat up Ford pickup truck. The truck screeched to a halt and backed up into the driveway.

A pair of Konoha rednecks with magnificent mullets hopped out of the truck, yanked the $50 out of the girl's grasp, and loaded up the truck bed with Sasori's Shit.

The girl hopped in too, and just as the truck was pealing out of the driveway, Sasori happened to walk outside.

He looked around at the tables topped with various broken and used things, and his eyes wandered over to the old truck as it left.

There was a little girl in the bed, waving a wooden arm in farewell.

Sasori's eyes bulged, and his head spun around to face Kakuzu.

"Kakuzu, did you sell all of my spare parts?!"

"…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After suffering Sasori's wrath, Kakuzu got out his inventory sheet and crossed off everything under the puppet's name. The old man grinned as he read his list, happy that he'd already made a decent profit, and was looking forward to making even more money off of his colleagues' shit.

AKATSUKI GARAGE SALE INVENTORY LIST:

PEIN

Self Piercing Kit

Candy Cane Crack

Podium

"Kiss the Cook" apron

Umbrella

3rd grade picture

Mirror

Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of Hidden Mist cards (limted edition!)

Rinnegan teddy bear

Plan Z file (only copy)

KONAN

Paper bra

Cigarettes

Girdle

Collection of gay porn

Paper flower

Collection of origami Akatsuki figurines

Empty Zippo lighter

Family portrait

Tweezers

Makeup kit

TOBI

Picture book

Scarf

Gloves

Hot wheels

Teenage mutant ninja turtles pj's

Roller skates

Herd of My Little Ponies

Rugrats sippy cup

Crayons

Finger-painted group portrait of Akatsuki members (his beloved masterpiece)

ZETSU

Jar 'O Dirt

Chia Hippo

Headband (where does he put it?)

Hedge trimmers

Fertilizer

Watering can

Aloe Vera plant named Alice

Giant Terra Cotta pot he sleeps in every night

ITACHI

Contact lenses

N64

Baby blanket

Socks

Fudgsicles

Tae Bo tapes

Diary

Sasuke scrap book

Furby

Knife

Hair Straightener

KISAME

Razors

Samehada

Goldfish

Keys to his '89 Buick Century

Jaws boxed set (AKA shark porn)

Fishing pole

Swim trunks

Surf board

DEIDARA

Toothbrush

Hairbrush

Scrunchies

Eye scope

Dried up Play Doh

TV

Shower cap

Frizzease

KAKUZU
Mask

Sewing machine

Slimfast shakes

Piggy bank

Wallet

Heart medication

HIDAN

Hair gel

Rosary

Jashin Bible

Spare virgin he keeps in the closet

Unused shirts and sweaters

Lingerie