Disclaimer: No ownies.

The Letter

Dear Mortal,

I regret to inform you, that due to an unfortunate adjustment in current standing, I find it necessary to permanently terminate our relations.

In other words – you're so dumped.

I do not doubt that I am the sole center of your puny universe, and that my mere presence is enough to make your lovely heart go pitty-pat, but I fear that this is not enough to continue our extended dalliances. I have simply found someone else who turned out to be much more interesting than you ever could dream of becoming.

As a result of this (no-doubt-devastating-for-you) news, I ask the return of any and all of my belongings, including but not limited to one-hundred and three crystals of varying size, two pairs of moleskin gloves, one elf-spun necklace made of Dwarf gold, my mother's priceless pair of heirloom earrings with matching bracelet, one pair of green leggings, ten poetically written love notes, five dozen enchanted roses, and a handkerchief.

On receipt of said, but not limited to, items, I would be more than happy to have my housekeeper return your overnight sack containing one blue blouse, one pair of trousers, socks, undergarments, tube of toothpaste, and toothbrush. I am keeping the hairbrush as it was my grandmother's. Also in the sack will be the cuff links you gave me our first anniversary, the stuffed toad that you insisted upon having since it was quote "too cute" to pass by, the hair spray you gave me as a gag our second anniversary, and the lumpy pair of home-knit socks that I never did wear.

Do not call me, wish anyone away, or come into contact with any of the Underground or I shall be forced to take drastic action.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I do so hope we can still be friends.

Regretfully yours,

Jareth, King of the Goblins

P.S. No, you may not have your brother back. -J