I don't own Harry Potter.
WARNING: SPOILERS TO ALL BOOKS UP TO DH ARE IN HERE! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE WHOLE SERIES!!!!
This story does contain bashing of Mary-Sues; it is a parody, so don't take anything seriously. Thanks go to Mina for helping me edit and iron things out.
And so it begins…
Mary Suewriter was just a plain 13-year-old girl. She had friends, she went to school, she ate, she slept, she breathed. And she was obsessed with Harry Potter. She obsessed over the books day and night. She loved the movies, too, even more than the books. She would pop in one and fast forward to all the parts with Daniel Radcliff in them. If he wasn't in the scene, she skipped it. If it was a particularly good scene, she would pause the movie and rewind it again, and again, and again… She rather fancied him, which explained why Daniel Radcliff himself had given her a restraining order after she basically attacked him at the premiere of the fourth movie. She hung it on the wall and displayed it with pride just because poor Mr. Radcliff had signed it.
So, in the nutshell, she was just a normal 13-year-old girl.
When she finished the seventh book, she was devastated. No, it wasn't because all those beloved characters like Hedwig, Mad-Eye, Dobby, Lupin, Tonks, Fred, and Colin Creevy died. No, no, she was upset because Harry had fallen in love with another woman who was not her.
The plot thickens.
So, one day, she sat down at her computer with all seven books at her side and began a tale. She wrote a tale of love, a tale of adventure, and a tale that would violate all established principles that made the Harry Potter world the Harry Potter world. She wrote the tale of young Mary Weasly, Ron's long-lost third cousin thirteen times removed who hails from America and who was now transferring to Hogwarts.
Okay, so things are starting to sound bad. It gets worse.
Mary Weasly is a Metamorphagus. That is not all she is. She is also part veela, part mermaid, part centaur, part giant, part goblin, part house-elf, part hippogriff, part bowtruckle, part niffer, part Pgmy Puff, part Blast-Ended Skrewt, part thestral, part knarl, part dragon, part flobberworm… so basically she's part everything in the magical world. Yet with this impossible species range in her genealogy, she still maintains a beautiful human form.
Barf-bags at the ready, everybody.
She had beautiful red hair that shines with the brilliance of a flame. Her eyes are a clear blue. Her skin is a flawless ivory. Although, she could change all of this in a heartbeat, considering she's a Metamorphagus. She also surpasses Hermione in brains and Fred and George in humor, although she is perfectly capable of being sweet and sensitive when it is required.
Things just go downhill from here.
When she arrives at Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat thinks that she is just so perfect that another house should be created just for her. Since she is humble and kind, she graciously refuses, so the hat just sticks her in Gryffindor. She sits down next to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Harry, naturally, is smitten by her unearthly beauty that surpasses that of any female he has ever seen and immediately falls in love.
It's painful, isn't it?
Mary Weasly magically becomes friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. She helps them through the years as they struggle through Hogwarts, while managing to tell Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape off at every opportunity she can (and, remarkably enough, gets away with it considering that Snape is a teacher and would probably throw anybody who said anything nasty about him in detention). In their third year, she teaches Harry how to make a Patronus, creates a cure for being a werewolf, convinces everybody that Sirius Black is innocent, and captures Peter Pettigrew with a well-aimed stunning spell. Although, due to the incompetence of Dumbledore, Pettigrew escapes. And he goes back to Voldemort.
Would you like it to stop?
In their fourth year, she and Harry both become Triwizard champions and the Hogwarts champions get in a three-way tie for the cup. There, in the graveyard, Cedric tragically perishes (with much angst from Mary) and Voldemort gets resurrected on her and Harry's blood (because what fun would that be if it was just Harry?). They manage to escape and Mary is able to convince everybody that Voldemort is alive again.
If so…
Then, in their fifth year, Mary manages to tell off more mean people (this time it's Umbridge) without even a stern talking to. She helps Harry with Occlumency (which she happens to already know) and together they figure out what is in the Department of Mysteries. When Harry has his vision of Sirius in the Department of Mysteries, she, him, and the D.A. (co-taught by Harry and herself) go to his rescue and fight off the Death Eaters. Mary manages to save Sirius' life and is hurt by Bellatrix in the process. Naturally, Harry is very angry about this and discovers the love for her he always had. He goes after Bellatrix and nearly kills her. Voldemort stops him, though, and Dumbledore comes and duels Voldemort. Dumbledore is losing miserably when Mary comes to his rescue and gets Voldemort to leave. Dumbledore then tells them about the prophecy that involves both her and Harry and how they must both defeat Voldemort or perish trying.
…then please…
In their sixth year, Mary and Harry take lessons with Dumbledore on Voldemort's past and learn about the Horcruxes. They also discover their feelings for each other and start going out. Mary then meddles and gets Ron and Hermione together. She then figures out what Malfoy's up to in the Room of Requirement and thwarts him by sneaking into the room when he's not there and destroys the cabinet. While she's there, she destroys the Horcrux in the room. After that, she finds a way to heal Dumbledore's cursed hand so that he will not have to die. After that, she manages to convince Lupin to go out with Tonks. Then, she figures out who the Half-Blood Prince really is. And when she and Harry go with Dumbledore to destroy the Horcrux, she manages to vanish the potion in the basin so that nobody will have to drink it and they discover that the locket is a fake. They go back disappointed and the end of the year is uneventful.
…give me twenty Galleons.
In their seventh year, they go off and destroy Horcruxes. Along the way, Mary discovers a spell that will bring people back from the dead. In the final battle at Hogwarts, she kills Voldemort and manages to bring everybody good who died back to life. And then she and Harry got married and lived a happy life with lots of kids.
Thank you.
Mary Suewriter looked at her completed story with satisfaction. She had done it. She had written a masterpiece. It was perfect.
She smiled and picked up the books (which, as it turns out, she had never needed to use after all) and started to walk over to put them back on the shelf. Suddenly, something odd happened. Her computer screen blared an angry red and sucked her in, books and all.
Mary Suewriter had disappeared.
Hogwarts, 1993
"—unless he was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?" Lupin was babbling what sounded to Harry to be incoherent nonsense. Harry was even more confused when Sirius Black, the notorious murderer, nodded.
"Professor," Harry interrupted loudly, trying to restore a sense of normalcy to the world, "What's going on--?"
But he never finished his question because a deafening explosion was heard as a young thirteen-year-old girl came tumbling out of thin air, books flying out of her hands and into the air. She hit the ground with a crash and knocked herself unconscious.
"What the--" Harry started.
"Bloody hell!"
"My sentiments exactly, Ron. Who's that?" Hermione asked. Sirius stooped to investigate, but before he could get to the girl, something else caught his eye. He picked up one of the seven hardcover books that had flew out of the girl's hands and looked at the cover.
"Blimey!"
"What?" Remus now rushed over to Sirius, peering over his shoulder. "A biography?"
"Did he--"
"Maybe…"
"Possibly…"
"Does he really have an ego that--"
"Git."
"Sirius, we don't know that he--"
"But he could have--"
"Why not just ask him?"
Remus and Sirius looked up from their conversation over the book cover and stared at a rather confused Harry.
"Harry, did you authorize the publication of a biography on your fist year at Hogwarts?" Remus asked Harry.
"No, I never -- WHAT?!"
Sirius and Remus both showed him the cover of the book. It had a still-life image of himself and it said, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
That's the end of the first chapter. I hope you all liked it. Hopefully, I will be able to post the next chapter by tomorrow. Please leave lots of reviews!